tyler.
I was sat outside, a few cars parked in sight. I didn't pull into the driveway, feeling a bit awkward about that sort of ownership in a house I've probably visited once or twice in my childhood. I sighed as I began to slowly make my way up toward the house. I was only about a few minutes late to the time Jenna had told me, but I didn't think it'd be much of an issue. As I walked up to the small porch on the outside of the house, I knocked on the door awaiting politely to be let in. Once the door opened, reveling the familiar blue haired girl on the other side, I felt an odd relief filter through me, as if I thought this could possibly be the incorrect address.
"Tyler, hey come on in!" Ashley said in a little over-the-top peppy attitude. I weakly smiled as I followed her inside, recognizing the house's layout and furniture. Obviously a lot has changed since I had last visited, but not too much that it's totally unrecognizable. Little things that I noticed had changed, like their TV or their coffee table, wall colors and pictures on the walls. Everything else to me looked almost exactly the same, though it probably wasn't close. I followed Ashley into her kitchen, where Jenna was sat on the counter with a cup of some type of beverage. We all stayed in the kitchen, doing nothing in general, when the sound of the door opening echoed in the house. I looked toward Ashley, who had a moment of panic on her face. "I'll go get that!"
"Who else did you guys invite?" I asked as Ashley left the room. Jenna had the same moment of panic before it faded as I asked the question. She looked toward me a hint of panic still left in her eyes, trying to low-key explain the situation. I didn't exactly know the situation as it stood, but Jenna obviously did, and I was planning on getting the scoop of what it was.
"Uh- I don't know.. but I'll go check, you can wait in the living room while I go find out." Jenna nervously tried to cover up her knowledge of the plan I still had no clue about. I raised an eyebrow as I followed her out into the living room. I sat down as she seemed to go around to the front door. I sat there for a moment, waiting for whatever company was waiting at the door. Once I heard footsteps coming from the front door, I turned around to see the one person I wasn't expecting to be coming to this 'get-together'. How could I be so blind to this? Of course they invited Josh, all they want is for us to make up. I internally groaned as I stared Josh down until he noticed my presence too.
"I- um, I'm coming, Jenna! I'll be right back, uh make yourselves at home, please." Ashley awkwardly stuttered trying to get out of this tension. I hadn't even noticed Ashley, and I had no clue where Jenna had disappeared off to. All I knew now was how much of an awkward situation Josh and I were left in, alone, while I knew the two girls were probably eavesdropping in the next room, wherever they were. After just a little while, Josh made his way toward the couch just next to my seat, hesitantly sitting down. After that, we were sat in silence while Josh didn't dare tear his attention from the blank television screen. There was low music playing from a hidden speaker and some chatter coming from the kitchen, of which I assumed to be Ashley and Jenna, but other than that nothing else was distracting us from this moment.
"Uh–" Josh cleared his throat after a good few minutes. I looked up from my hands at the sudden noise, before slowly putting my attention back on my hands again, not expecting Josh to really continue his sentence. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Josh debating with himself whether he should continue or not. I sighed as I distractingly made myself more comfortable on the couch, before facing Josh and interrupting his silent debate.
"What?" I asked a bit more hostility than I had planned for it to, but I didn't act like I wanted to take it back. Instead I pushed him harder, making direct eye contact with him. He seemed caught off guard by the sudden confrontation by my forwardness, which was understandable, but I still didn't back down. He cleared his throat once again as he twiddled with his thumbs, avoiding my gaze at all costs. It wasn't until after I cleared my throat to remind him that I was still waiting when he finally stuttered up his response.
"O-okay." He sighed, before looking at me, making the eye contact I had wanted, but now it was making me feel victimized. His gaze was soft and full of worry, I didn't like it. I felt like I was being cornered with nowhere to escape to, and I was the one to blame for making him do this to me. Why did I have to be forward? Plates in the background crashed as the clock began to sing its hourly tune, alerting us that it was 9 o'clock. "Why?" He asked, his voice low, matching perfectly with the stare he gave me. I shifted in my seat, anticipating his next approach. "Wh–" Just as he began to speak, silence developed the room around me. I felt time beginning to twist and shift out of proportion, before landing in a spot I didn't ask it to land in. Plates from the kitchen crashed, as the clock began to ding it's tune out once more, alerting us it was once again 9 o'clock. "Why?" He asked again, but his voice more hostile and angry. I nervously began to twiddle my thumbs awaiting the rest of the sentence, but it never came. "Hm?"
"W-why what?" I stuttered, trying to get the thoughts out of my mind of every possible thing he could be interrogating me about. I twiddled my thumbs faster with each passing second. I knew Josh was just staring me down, as if he could believe I wasn't catching on to what he was asking, as if he thought my power was to read minds or something. Time continued its mission like it should always be, making each tick of the second hand more awkward than the last. I felt the tension from here to the kitchen, where the girls were most likely trying to piece together what was going on with a bunch of broken plates on the floor. I couldn't blame them, I wanted to know just as much as they do. I turned to Josh, fumes almost radiating off him now, as if he were planning to explode any second now.
"Don't act so innocent! You know exactly what you did!" Josh whisper-yelled, obviously not wanting the two eavesdroppers to hear this part of the conversation. Yet, even with more knowledge than them on this topic, I still had no clue to of what he could be speaking of. There was a lot of things I have done that he could be finally confronting me on, but which could it be? I stood up, just wanting to find the girls to stop this, but Josh stood in my way to leave. I looked at him, fruited with his motives. I was about to blow up on him, wanting to explain the situation, before he finally explained this fiasco of words. "You rewound time, you're reliving this!"
"I-I" I began to say, but I didn't know how I was going to end that. He knew, b-but how? This was definitely not once of the ideas of what he could be confronting me about that I had in mind. I stumbled backward, back down into my seat as he said that, my knees going weak. I buried my head into my hands, frustration from all this week of not being able to control this power, I dare call it, finally showing in my emotions. I stood up, ready to explain, before I was left dumbfounded with my mouth hanging open, no words being able to process.
"Don't even try to back up the story that I already know." Josh smirked. With that my frustration only grew to anger. Oh, does he think he's so smart? That he possibly knows everything that's happened in the past few months? I huffed a little breath aside as my hands almost automatically balled themselves into fists at my sides. Josh seemed a bit intimidated by this, just as I began to open my mouth he relaxed, as if he thought I would chicken out again. Think again, Dun, I am totally past the point of chickening out.
"Don't act like you know everything when you clearly don't even know the half of it." I hissed, my emotions seeping through every word onto Josh. He seemed to be taken back again by my words, like they made him furious at first, opening his mouth to made a witty comment, but then he started to rethink his mind. I watched as emotions flickered across his face like an old movie. He didn't seem to know how to respond to such an outburst, and I didn't know how to feel about his reaction. He closed his mouth finally as he came back to the present and obvious question on his mind. He looked away from me for a second, as if he was embarrassed to ask this question.
"Then– what exactly is everything?" He cleared his throat and looked at me from the awkward angle. I gaped at the sudden pact that the question held, but Josh didn't seem to realize it. I cleared my throat as I slowly sat back down on the couch, sinking into my position to think about the question. It held a lot of explaining and ideas, events and emotions, and Josh said it so– casually. From the corner of my eye, I could see the realization hit him like a truck, the weight of the question placed on such thin air, we had the crash coming for us. I quickly began to think about the past few minutes, about what had happened and how I could successfully explain the situation without worsening our circumstances that we happened to stand in. So, in the fewest amount of words I could place together possible, I tried to explain to Josh what this week was for me.
"I-I can't control it anymore." I explained, avoiding eye contact as best I could. I could feel the weight rise from the thin tension in the room, Josh thoroughly examining the weight of the question and the weight of the answer, to see if they happened to match. I didn't know what to do while he did that, the best explanation I could give was out in the open and all Josh had to do was accept the fact that I didn't cause the switch in time just minutes ago and let the subject go. I watched as he worked out the situation in his mind, before shrugging and replying in the most monotone voice possible.
"Oh." I wasn't exactly expecting him to go full out, begging on his knees for forgiveness, pleading and pitiful. However, I wasn't exactly wanting the reaction of a soulless individual, a simple 'oh', as if this was just nothing. If anything, knowing I couldn't control a flaw of mine was definitely more than an 'oh' in my life. Good thing Josh isn't apart of it anymore. I did say that we were better off without being friends– why was it so hard to believe it? All the clues that I never saw before are slapping me in the face, making me question my life's choices. Unless– unless none of this was here before the fight. "It's not my problem."
"Yeah, you're right. It's totally and completely all mine." I chuckled indifferently. Maybe I was wrong about that, maybe all of this was there, Josh just was waiting for the perfect moment to stab me in the back with all of this. In that case, ever befriending him was the worst mistake I wish I had never made. Not only was this situation my problem, it was also my fault. Of course it didn't matter to him, why would it? I was finally off his back after so long, and my problems weren't his, they were mine. All mine, and I was losing my mind over it. I.. was losing my mind over this.. oh my god, how could I be so stupid? I've broken my promise, I knew we weren't friends anymore but I've never broken a promise, and especially my own.
I couldn't live with myself knowing it, I need to say something. If I couldn't live like this, the only option would be to... I quickly stood up wanting to leave, but I couldn't without telling him. I needed to get out of here, I needed to get out of time. I quickly gathered myself together getting myself ready for this one moment. I needed to bring this Josh's attention, knowing what keeping this in would lead to. Not only would it lead to breaking myself, it would also lead to breaking Josh's promise– our promise. Quickly, before I had another moment to began rethinking my actions, I grabbed Josh's arm, ready to pull us out of time for the length that three minutes allowed us to.
Pause.
"I'm sorry." I said as soon as the calming silence took us over. I didn't want a second to loose to explain this, but I still found myself waiting for Josh to take the sudden apology in. Josh had his eyes wide with fear and confusion written noticeably all over his features. In the moment while he was caught off guard, I took notice of his expression and features. I didn't know the last time I really looked at him, but it had to be a while ago. His face looked almost destroyed with bags underneath his eyes and his skin seeming lighter from lack of sun during this past summer. He looked healthy at a glimpse, but once you finally looked at him, you'd think that he was being tortured. Was this all because of me? If it was, the two words I said only seconds ago, I really meant them to the core. I am so sorry. I watched as he stood there awkwardly, still trying to figure out for himself what I could be apologizing for, which I knew with his close minded thoughts, he wouldn't be able to figure out my reason anytime soon. I was just about to chime in, before he finally accepted defeat.
"For?" Josh asked surprisingly calm compared to his last statement of how this was 'not his problem' just two minutes ago. Josh didn't seem present for the time being, and knowing with each second that counted down, I wouldn't be able to say this that way I wanted to with the two gossiping ears just behind the kitchen doors. So, with only one minute left to explain, I cleared my throat ready to answer, successfully brining Josh back to the present time— or at least the paused present time that we stood in for only the limited amount of time left.
"For losing my mind." I stated, making unmistakeable eye contact with him. I expected the exact reaction he had, confusion, unable to make the lines connect for a good few seconds until it clicked. As the realization dawned on his features, confusion only hit him harder than before. I could almost read his mind— he couldn't connect the ideas together, the two biggest promises we ever had made for each other, and he couldn't connect them in the moment we have both practically almost broken them. It was just before I told him not to allow me to loose my mind. Once he agreed, he stated a similar promise. "Don't ever take your life; don't try and don't hurt yourself." As anyone would be, I was a bit off balanced at the odd promise, but I ended up agreeing none the less. Only because I knew I would hate myself forever to know Josh hurt or tried to kill himself, knowing Josh was probably the same with me. I simply replied with, "Only if you promise too." And of course he did, but he obviously didn't see the connection then and he will never see it now, why did I ever think he would?
I let go of Josh's arm, allowing him to soak in the new information before time resumed at its normal pace. Once the sounds of the everyday world resumed, I instantly made a get-away to the front door. I didn't want to be here, I don't know why I didn't choose this as my first option once I realized Josh was present. I pulled at my hair in frustration with myself. I needed my time alone, and it was now or never. As I approached my car, turning on the ignition, and about to get inside, I head the faint opening of the door just behind me. Before I turned around, I had a vivid idea of who it could be, my assumptions being confirmed as a clear voice shouted from the door frame two words I definitely was not expecting to hear.
"You're welcome!" I heard plain and clear. I turned around to question his choice of words, but before I could the door was being shut at an increasingly alarming rate and I was left to ponder alone in my thoughts. I was muddled by his choice of words and his sudden disappearance afterwards until I stupidly realized what the words meant in context of our conversation. He wasn't taking the blame for the fight, he was taking the credit. Credit for everything I've done to myself, everything that had happened in the past few months. Not only that, but he was saying he was proud of it.
I felt myself fall into my seat not being able to physically stand anymore, laying my head on the steering wheel of my car. What just happened? For starters, I recently lost control over my power again and now it's even more so my fault that Josh hates me. I sighed, if only I knew how to get this thing back under control. If only I knew how to get Josh back. If only I knew, but unfortunately I don't; I have no clue. If only I could turn back time far enough to stop the whole thing from happening. Why can't my power work like that? How much easier it would be to love, or at least accept. If only.
--
I had been driving for a while, and as I stopped at the next red light, a sudden flashback hit me. I had recognized it from a nightmare that I had a few nights ago. I sat there for a few minutes before a horn behind me snapped me back into reality. The nightmares never were constant, yet they all surrounded the same idea about Josh turning on me, telling Jenna, Ashley and the rest of my family about this curse. Not only did it end there but they all turned against me telling me everything I hated about myself and pointing out every flaw inside me. Of course none of the words came out memorable or images were clear, but it didn't stop them from haunting my sleep or even my day. I just wish I could do away with the power, or better yet, do away with myself. As soon as the thought got into my head, I quickly tried to get it out everyday possible, but it only stuck more with every attempt to dispose of the thought.
My thoughts were everywhere lately, it's almost as if the filter between my thoughts and actions was totally discarded since our fight last school year. I usually didn't think like this, maybe a few times in the past, but never so seriously on the topic or out of nowhere. I inwardly slapped myself for the amount of stupidity I was allowing myself today, of course this wasn't out of nowhere, what had I just apologized for back there? This was only the beginning of something I could never see coming my way. Just like Josh's unexpected 'you're welcome', almost as if he had no filter on his words too. I groaned in frustration, I'm going to have to ask him about that on Monday, it wouldn't kill me to anyways. The only two possible things that are killing me are my breaths and my thoughts. With every breath I take the I'm closer I am to death, and with every thought I think the closer I am to taking my own life. It's just the pure truth whether I chose to believe it or not.
-- Monday
The day was bad enough as it was, nothing could seem to make it worse, but boy was I wrong about everything lately. First off, it was a Monday, the day that officially interrupts my weekend by an alarm blaring at the top of its volume. However, that wasn't the only reason I wanted the day to end already, oh no the bad luck only continues. I woke up about thirty minutes late today, being tardy to my first period class. The teacher was already mad at me in the first place, but once my phone began buzzing its little metal sides off, I could've sworn I saw steam rising from her head in so much frustration. After a warning, I decided to look at the text, being astounded by the news it brought. Jay just got stabbed in the arm by a falling knife. At the hospital now, thought that you should know. xo - Mom.
"Is it an emergency Mr. Joseph?" The teacher sounded even more infuriated now than she was before. I shook my head, not really thinking through the situation before I got to my actions. She slowly walked down the isle, all eyes on either her or on me. I felt like she was calling me out for being late. She placed her hand out in front of me, looking at me with the devil's eyes. "Phone, please, Mr. Joseph. You may pick it up after the 4th period bell." I carefully placed the phone in her hand as she walked away with the click of her heels down the isle again. I really didn't pay attention the rest of class, knowing I already had an A in the class. I don't know why she had such a grudge on me today. Maybe it was her goal to make a students day miserable. I sighed, luckily she wasn't my problem. My day was already headed down hill before her interference.
The rest of the day up until 5th period was just a bore of regular classes and annoying kids. I was on my way to my fifth period, after picking up my phone from my 1st period teacher, who was more than pleased to give me a lecture about interrupting class again. I decided not to argue back, knowing it would only lead to more trouble with who knows what. So I apologized leaving with a detention slip toward Crate. As I turned the corner, more than enough on my mind already, Josh was standing in the middle of the hallway looking like a lost hobo student. I was about to pass him and ignore his presence as I usually do everyday, but he stopped me with a tap on my shoulder and his mouth hanging open.
"I- uh- well, you k-know- I.." He trailed off in a stuttering mess of syllables. Instantly, I recognized the routine, though I was never before on the other side of the conversation, the whole routine hasn't changed from the last apology he attempted. I watched him internally curse at himself for thinking this was a good idea, before he looked up, trying his next best path; apology trough the eyes. But, I wasn't allowing something to slip by so easily. What exactly did he think he was apologizing for? So, I did my signature confused face and walking away just as my phone dung in my pocket. I looked down seeing "Mom" written across the screen. Jay is alright now; he is stitched up and resting. Luckily only five stitches were needed. How has your day been, hon?
I sighed as I walked into class, typing out a reply, but not before the message disappeared and I was walking around the corner again to Crate in a simple moment. I looked around to see Josh in his hobo state, but now noticing how confident he looked now. As if he felt that this apology wasn't going to be a reflection of the last twenty. As if time doesn't repeat itself, how ignorant. I slowly strode down the hallway, hoping to just pass Josh without him noticing, but as the hand tapped my shoulder I knew I was going to regret turning around. The same stutter spilled from his mouth, lowering his head in the loss of confidence. I watched him try to apologize with his eyes again, but now before Mom's text buzzed in my pocket. I furrowed my brow, leaving him to weep in his embarrassment as I typed out my response once again.
This time I got to my seat, before I was standing in the hallway just before Josh's failure to apologize again. I sighed as I walked down the hallway again, hoping and praying that this would be the last time. As I walked down the hall, I felt Josh's eyes fall on me. I walked past him, but he didn't tap me on the shoulder, instead he walked beside me. I allowed him to, but not before I turned my head around to see the two familiar faces poking out from behind the corner, spying on us. Did they somehow help plan this incident too? Those two meddling bastards, I wish that they would leave our situation alone. I sighed as Josh started his stuttering mess of an apology, but this time I decided I have had it. "Shut up." I growled, as Josh's eyes of attempted apology snapped in with hurt before quickly masking over a facade of hatred.
"Right. I forgot." He said, turning away from me and hurrying to his seat. I felt a ping of guilt inside me for being so harsh. I mean, why did I have to be so stubborn to keep this grudge against him? Why were we so stubborn to keep our friendship broken while we both were so obviously braking even more in the process? I sighed as I sat down next to Josh, trying hard to ignore him and his head down on the table. Ashley and Jenna walked in not too long later, sitting in their seats with little hesitation upon seeing Josh's state. I knew they could also feeling the tension as they kept trying to silently ask me throughout the class what happened, but I couldn't possibly explain it with my eyes, what are they mind-readers? Class went on, and once the bell rang, Josh was the first to shoot out of there, Ashley quick to follow. Jenna and I, as always were the last to leave, Jenna being slow to verbally ask what all of that was specifically about.
"Okay. What was all of that?" Jenna immediately asked as we stepped outside the classroom. I didn't respond as she kept asking different forms of the question. We continued down the hallway, Jenna continuing her saga of questions until she finally grew silent as we approached the bench we sat at. I left every single lingering question unanswered, but once she grew silent I felt as if I should answer one.But before I could finish my thought, Jenna opened her mouth to speak again. "Do you two even notice how dependent you guys are on one another?" She asked as though it was to herself, just out in the air to answer if I wanted. I felt that I knew deep down and that Josh probably did too, but neither of us wanted to admit it to ourselves, much less to each other. I sighed, shrugging in response to her question, the only one I actually showed any interest in answering, before she groaned officially giving up. "Whatever, I give up."
"Me too." I mumbled, sighing under my breath. me too.
[edited.]