A/N: Sorry i didn't get the chapter up until right now. it's almost midnight, and these past couple days i've been on break, so i was really relaxing and getting away from it all. But I'm back now, should be updating weekly and all that jazz. Hope you guys are loving it so far. Getting into the good stuff now. Let me know what you think in the comments. All the Love, as always xx
~L
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Louis' POV:
"What a welcome..." I mumbled as I closed the front door and immediately heard shouting. Mark and my mum were having at it again. This happened at least once a week, and it was always over petty things. My mum claimed that it was all part of marriage, but somehow, it didn't seem like that with her and Mark. My sisters were nowhere to be found, so I could only assume that they were upstairs, probably in Lottie's room. I tiptoed up the stairs, trying not to wince as I heard the strain in my mum's voice, and when I reached the top of the stairs, I saw four pairs of eyes peeking through the crack in the door to my oldest sister's room. I put a finger to my lips and slipped inside the room, closing the door behind me.
"You all alright? How long has it been?" I asked, pulling them each into a tight hug.
"Only a few minutes. We were hoping you'd be home soon...where did you go last night? We were worried sick," Fizzy mumbled, and the other three nodded. I tried to think back, but my head was still a little fuzzy from the hangover, and in any case, I didn't want my sisters knowing what I did to 'feel better'.
"Just out for a walk and then to meet some friends. Spent the night with them." I said, which was mostly the truth. I had walked...to the bar. And then, well, most of it was a blur, but I had woken up wrapped around Harry fucking Styles with no recollection of having gotten there. Fuck it.
"I've got a lot of homework, girls...you'll be okay in here? I can set up a movie for you guys if you want," I offered, and they all made noises of agreement. I busied myself with that, and five minutes later, they were all curled on Fizzy's bed in blankets, eyes fixed on the screen. I was almost out the door when Daisy's voice cut through the silence.
"Lou...those aren't your clothes, are they? I've never seen them before."
I swallowed, just now remembering whose clothes I was wearing. "Borrowed them from my friend. Forgot an extra set of my own. Enjoy the movie, knock if you need me. Love you."
I got out of there as quickly as I could, managing to make it to my room before starting to freak out. I slid down to the floor with my back against the door and buried my face in my hands, my brain going a million miles an hour. I could not think straight, and hadn't been since the moment I woke up this morning. I had never been more comfortable...waking up with someone warm in my arms was a dream that I had always had. And he was so soft, his hand had been playing with my hair not a moment before I opened my eyes, I was sure of it. All I could smell at that point was vanilla mixed with a slight musky scent, and never in my life had I smelled something more amazing. But...it couldn't be like that. Harry and I were barely past the friend part of any sort of relationship. I could not be touching him, let alone wrapping my entire body around him like a monkey. But it felt good...amazing...I hadn't felt that happy since before we moved.
"Fucking shit, god damn, fuck my life," I grumbled, slamming my hand onto the floor in frustration. Tears were gathering in my eyes, probably from a combination of my headache and fear. No. I didn't want to cry...I was strong, I could do this.
Trembling slightly with the effort of containing all my emotions, I stood up and sat down at my desk, picking up my phone and dialing a number. Very soon, a cheery Irish accent answered me.
"Lou! What's up? Your sister called just yesterday, asking if you were here. Sounded worried. Is everything okay?"
"No...nothing is okay...everything sucks ass...Niall, I can't do this," I whispered into the phone. I was afraid that if I talked any louder than that, I would lose it, and I couldn't afford to do that, not on Niall.
"You sound...do you need me to come over?" His tone was one of great concern, which made me feel a little better. Niall was so caring, I was lucky to have him as a friend.
"No, no...just...tell me something. If you, umm, liked someone, but it was...not your usual type, and you were afraid and scared and just downright terrified of your feelings, what would you do?"
There was a moment of silence on the other end, and I could tell that Niall was thinking about how to word this correctly. He was a little too good with words sometimes.
"Well, let's just say for the time being, that I thought I was in love with...like, Liam, or something like that. I'd probably tell you first. I trust you more than anyone and I know you wouldn't make fun of me for it. And I'd do it in person too, cause I'd probably break down crying, and then at least I'd have someone to comfort me and help me figure out what to do."
"Right...see you tomorrow, Ni," I said, and hung up before he could ask any questions, taking several deep breaths. Everything was fine. I was fine. There was nothing to be worked up about. Maybe...maybe it was the alcohol...making me go crazy and feel things for someone that I shouldn't be feeling. Or maybe it was just my hormones acting up again. Yeah, sure, I was 18, but they never really stop, do they?
I threw myself onto my bed and curled into a ball, squeezing my legs as hard as I could, figuring that if I distracted myself with pain, the feelings would go away. I sniffed, trying to keep the building tears at bay, and caught a whiff of the vanilla scent from this morning. Where was it coming from? Was Harry in my room?
I looked down and saw that I was still wearing his clothes. I wanted to tear them off and rid myself of the comforting smell, but for some reason, smelling it...feeling like he was there with me, was calming me down. I curled tighter and kept breathing nice and steady, and in a few moments, I felt a little better. My eyes hurt a lot from trying not to cry, but other than that, my head was clearing up. Sitting up and brushing my cheeks just in case a tear or two slipped, I headed for my door and stopped, my ear pressed against the crack to listen. The shouting had stopped, and a moment later, I heard the front door slam and a car start up. Running to the window, I saw Mark driving angrily away, and my heart suddenly felt lighter. Even though there was a 100% chance of him coming back in a few hours, it would be amazing to just have the house to ourselves...
I left my room and walked quietly down the stairs in my socks, my feet padding softly on the carpet, and then on the wooden floor as I walked down the hallway and into the kitchen. My mum was pulling things out of the freezer, looking like she had been crying. I went over to her, pulled the food out of her arms, rested it on the counter, and pulled her into a hug. She rested her head on my shoulder, seeming very tired.
"You alright, Mum? What did he say to you?" I asked, my voice sounding dangerously low. She pulled back and shook her head, wiping her eyes delicately.
"Nothing, Lou. He was just being...difficult, as usual. But that's..."
"How marriage is, yeah, I know," I sighed, not wanting to tell her that I was tired of her making excuses for him. She deserved so much better than him.
I went to pick up the food and she reached for my wrist, which still had the fading bruises from earlier this week when Mark had grabbed me.
"Did he do this to you?" She asked me, her voice sounding hard, as opposed to the sad soft tone she had just been using. I pulled my wrist away gently, shaking my head. I hated to lie to her, but I didn't want her to know what Mark did to us. She was stressed enough as it was.
"Just roughing it up with mates, that's all," I offered, and she lifted a hand to touch the bruise on my jaw and eye.
"I guess this was just 'roughing it up with mates' too?" She said in that tone only mothers can create. I sighed and turned to face her.
"No, I, umm...someone said something very crude to a friend of mine and I got mad at him...it wasn't right of me, I'm really sorry...but it just got to me."
She stared at me, and I knew she wanted me to elaborate, so I kept talking, mumbling now. "A guy who I used to call my friend called one of my other friends a faggot...and he's not. Well, I mean, he is gay, at least I think so, but you don't call someone that. You don't know how much it hurts to hear that." I choked up on the last few words, remembering the times that Mark had directed that phrase at me, and my mum gripped my shoulder tightly.
"Let's not speak of it anymore, love. Want to help me with dinner?"
I nodded, that having been my intention for coming downstairs. I was a horrible cook, but when I did it with my mum, it made up for all of the things I burned or under cooked. Guess I was a bit of a mummy's boy. Proud of it, too.
"What should we make, then? Your choice," She offered, pulling a smile onto her face just for me. I pondered it and then a smile grew on my face.
"Can we make my favorite?" I asked, sounding like a little child...made me a bit nostalgic, to tell the truth. My mum nodded and dove back to the freezer, pulling out the ingredients for the meal.
"You remember how to make it?" My mum asked, and I nodded confidently. She handed me all of the food and settled at the kitchen table with a glass of water. "Cook away, then, Lou."
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An hour and a half and several small burns to my hands later, I had finally finished, and my sisters and mum were all sitting expectantly at the table. I wiped my face with an already dirty towel, earning a giggle from the twins, presumably because my face was now covered in bits of charcoal and whatever else was on the towel. I carried the plates over and set one in front of each of them proudly.
"Dinner is served. Chicken stuffed with mozzarella wrapped in parma ham with a side of homemade mash. Sorry if some of is it burned, I...kinda messed it up."
"This looks amazing, Lou!" Fizzy exclaimed, and they all dug in right away. I pulled some together for myself and was just about to start eating when I thought of Mark. Just the mere entrance of him into the forefront of my mind had my blood boiling, but I knew that I should save some for him, even if he refused to eat it. I made up a plate for him and put it in the microwave before sitting down and starting to eat. In my opinion, it didn't taste like it was supposed to, but all of the girls were eating it like they had never had something so wonderful, and that made me happy. We kept conversation going, just talking about school and how things were going at work for my mum, and everything was wonderful. It was like we were a family again, just like it used to be.
As soon as my mum finished her meal, she turned to me, and I knew what was coming. I tried to brace myself to have no expression and feel nothing when she asked the question I knew she would ask.
"So...how was that, umm, lads day you had the other day? You said Harry was there, right?"
I swallowed and merely nodded, trying to think of something to say about it, but before I could, my sister spoke up, her mouth full of food.
"Isn't Harry the guy at the bakery?"
"Yeah, the one with the curls and the cute smile," Lottie agreed, and I had to concentrate very hard not to blush, because, of course, she was right. Harry did have a cute smile...and I loved his curls. As soon as that thought entered my mind, a battle of my two selves started once again.
You can't feel like this about Harry, it's wrong.
No,that's just what Mark told you. You can like whomever you want
But I DON'T like him.
Like hell...of course you do. Nothing wrong with that.
"Lou...Louis, honey, are you still with us?" My mum's voice interrupted my furious internal battle, and I looked up at her, biting the inside of my cheek.
"Yeah, yeah. Fine. Umm, it was good. Lunch was great, Liam is a really nice lad. Niall and him get along really well." I was hoping that they wouldn't notice how I avoided speaking of Harry, but of course, mums are a little too observant.
"And Harry?" She prompted, and all of my sisters looked at me collectively, especially Lottie, who so far was the only one to really know about my interest in boys.
"Harry...he's good. Really nice. Good friend, definitely." I said, which was only half the truth. What I really wanted to say was 'holy shit, this boy, he's so lovely and kind and just wants to make sure I'm alright, which I'm definitely not, and he helped me when otherwise I would have spent the night passed out drunk on the street and I think I like him a lot and that scares the hell out of me', but I don't think I would have made it through that without completely breaking down.
Lottie clearly sensed that what I had said wasn't even half of what I was feeling, but she didn't say a word, and my mum seemed satisfied, so I didn't elaborate, but rather stuffed some mash in my mouth.
The door opened in the hallway, and the light whispering coming from the twins stopped immediately. I stood right away and took my plate to the sink, despite not being anywhere near finished. We really only had room for six people at the table, and I knew Mark would make me move anyway.
Mark entered the kitchen with an unreadable expression on his face, and my mum tried for a smile. He ignored her and pulled out what had been my chair roughly, putting his head in his hands.
"Girls, why don't you get cleaned up and then get ready for tomorrow, yeah? You've got school!" My mum suggested, and they didn't need telling twice. They took their plates to the sink and were out of the room in under a minute. I put my plate on the counter, thinking I might finish it later, and took Mark's plate to the table, setting it down in front of him rather harder than I meant to. His head came up out of his hands and he glared at me. I swallowed and said, keeping my voice as even as possible,
"I made dinner. Saved you some. Hope you like it."
"Probably tastes like shit. The way you cook, I'm surprised the house is still here." Mark grumbled, and my mum glowered at him.
"Don't say that to him. Louis did a wonderful job and didn't burn any of it, did you, Lou?" I almost responded, but Mark beat me to it.
"Doesn't matter if he burned it or not, it's still horrible. No one lets a fag make food."
My throat got extremely tight and my mum looked half furious, half confused as she looked from Mark to me and back.
"Think I'll head up...lots of work to do before tomorrow," I said, my voice sounding choked, and I got the hell out of there before I could show any trace of emotion. As I ran for the stairs, I could hear my mum yelling at Mark, but I blocked it out and dashed to my room, feeling tears building in my eyes. I close my door and locked it with shaking hands, not even bothering to stop myself from crying this time. I let the tears fall freely as I collapsed on my bed, hugging my pillow tight to my chest and trying to muffle my sobs. I was fucking done. I hated him so much...I had barely figured out that I was gay, and not only was he not at all accepting of what I was, but he had just outed me to my mother, when I most definitely had not been ready to admit that yet.
I swallowed and stood up, stripping down to my boxer briefs and throwing myself in bed under the covers. I caught a whiff of that vanilla scent again and I suddenly remembered...Harry's clothes. The clothes I had just taken off still had a bit of him lingering on them. I stumbled out of the covers and pulled the shirt towards me, curling back up in bed with it held tightly in my arms. I knew it was weird, but it was going to help, I was sure of it. Sniffing quietly so as not to alert my sisters, I pressed Harry's shirt closer to my face, breathing deeply and trying to make myself calm again. It worked slightly, but something inside me was still bothering me...like I had a truck sitting on my chest. I needed to tell someone...someone I trusted...
'I'd probably tell you first. I trust you more than anyone and I know you wouldn't make fun of me for it...' Niall's words came back to me at that moment, and I grabbed my phone from my desk, fumbling to get to his contact. Not forgetting what he said about doing it in person in case I needed someone (and at this point, I really needed him), I finally found his number and hit the call button. As soon as he picked up, I whispered.
"Ni, I need you to come over...right now."
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Ten minutes later, there was a knock downstairs. Luckily for me and for him, the fighting had stopped and my mum answered the door. I could hear her greeting Niall happily and then whispering something. Then I heard footsteps on the stairs and a key clicked in the lock of my bedroom. I always kept a key hidden on the top of the door just for Niall, since I usually had my door locked at all times. I was hidden under the covers, clutching Harry's shirt to my chest and holding the tears back. I knew I was going to completely lose it the moment I tried to speak to him about it, but for now, I wanted to at least pretend that I wasn't completely losing it.
Niall closed the door behind him and just stood in the dark for a few minutes before turning on a small light next to me and standing next to my bed. I threw the covers off and stood up, wiping my eyes even though I'd be crying in a second anyway. Niall looked slightly scared, but his face was a comforting sight for me, especially right now in the midst of all my confusion and fear.
"Ni, I...I..." I whispered, trying to get a handle on my words. Niall wanted to reach out for me, but he seemed to think I needed my space, and stayed where he was.
"Lou, I need you to relax and tell me what's going on..." He said slowly, looking me dead in the eye. I tried again, but no words came out this time. I was too afraid to admit it to myself, let alone to Niall. This had been a stupid idea.
"Louis Tomlinson, you are scaring the shit out of me. Please just talk tome." Niall pleaded,and I just couldn't hold it back, not when Niall was looking at me like that.
"Niall, I think I'm gay," I choked out, tears spilling onto my cheeks faster than I had expected. Niall sighed in what seemed to be relief, which confused the hell out of me,and pulled me to him in a tight hug. I buried my face in his shoulder as my whole body shook with sobs.
"Good god, Lou, I thought you were about to tell me that you were dying or something. Being gay is nothing to be scared of or ashamed about. You're still the same old Louis that I know and love, you know that. Shhh, come on, Lou, it's alright." Niall soothed me, rubbing my back and keeping me in a tight embrace. I tried to get control of my breathing and gripped him tighter.
"M-Mark knew...and he...calls me a fag...told my mum...I'm not out, I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't do this, Ni..." I whispered jerkily, my breath hitching. Niall just stood there and didn't say anything other than words of comfort as he held me. It was a good five minutes before anything more was said.
"Lou...sit down, mate, we need to talk this through...you'll feel so much better about it, c'mon." Niall coaxed, and he let me go gently, guiding me towards my bed and pushing me down onto the bed. I just sat there staring at the floor and twisting my hands in my lap. I didn't know if I could even speak three words about it without completely breaking down again, but Niall was right. I needed to talk this through, and he was the best person to do that with.
"Alright, we'll take it slow...how did you figure this out?" Niall asked softly, his arm around my shoulders in a very comforting way. I sniffed and tried to get ahold of myself.
"I...well, I never saw a problem with it...didn't really care if I liked boys or girls, it was just about the love for me. And I...I always l-liked girls until I kissed this one guy at a party about a week ago, and it...it just clicked, but I didn't believe it myself. And...and then..." I swallowed hard, but the next bit was not going to come out. I couldn't say it.
"Keep going, Lou, you've got it," Niall encouraged, rubbing my shoulder a bit. I almost laughed through my tears, because Niall was being so supportive and kind and really nice to me, something I definitely wasn't used to, but he was going to lose his mind when I told him what was going on in my head right now.
"Harry..." I managed to get out, biting down on my lip hard. Niall didn't react, clearly knowing that I had more to say, so I just let it all spill out in one big rush.
"He's too much, Ni. He's just...with the curls and those lips, and that perfect smile with the dimples, and the way he is just...himself and always wants to make sure people feel happy, and I can't handle that. I don't deserve something like that, but I can't help how I feel about him. I like him too much, Ni, and I...I can't...I can't like him..."
I started to cry again, and Niall just pulled me into a one armed hug, letting me cry it out on his shoulder, until eventually, I cried myself to sleep.