Chapter 19
I hadn't handled last night well.
I ran the towel through my hair a few times before dropping it at the end of the bed. He watched me as I pulled on a pair of loose fitting pants and the first shirt I touched, but he said nothing. I'd always prided myself in the fact that I was a damn good profiler, but as the silence grew thicker in the room, I couldn't hope to decipher what was going through his head or what would come next.
"I'd planned a whole speech in my head last night." I told him as I turned and leaned against the closet door.
"A speech for what?" he asked quietly and I smiled even though I certainly had no reason to.
"For you...For me...about how I'd seen the error of my ways." I told him. "My dad helped me realize how selfish I'd been acting." I continued.
I watched him sit up slowly in the bed, taking care to ensure the sheets were secure around his waist. "Not selfish...just stupid and reckless." He said seriously and this time I chuckled.
"Maybe a little bit of all three then." I said and he offered me a small smile. I gestured to him and the surrounding area. "I hadn't planned on this to be honest. It just...sort of happened".
"Because you can't control yourself?" he asked and I raised a brow.
"I wouldn't exactly say I can't control myself, it was-"
"If you could control yourself then you would have." He said simply. There was no malice, no amusement, just pure facts.
"Well..."I paused, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "Maybe when you're involved I just lose my ability to."
He shook his head and his eyes narrowed. "I wish you would stop saying shit like that."
I frowned and pushed off the door. "Why is it so hard for you to accept the fact that you actually mean something to me?"
"Cause you're just wasting your time and there aint no point."
When I moved to sit on the edge of the bed, he drew his legs up and wrapped his arms around them, resting his chin on his knees.
"Why do you think it's a waste of time?"
He shook his head. "Cause it is."
"Then explain it to me. I'd like to understand."
It took him a while to say anything at all, but finally, he took a breath and his voice, when he spoke, was low and careful...but it was also firm.
"My old man used to tell me that you can't just get shit... you wanna be something worthwhile then you gotta bring something to the table. You don't just get to have stuff just because." He gritted out, eyes narrowed and glaring.
I watched him carefully, letting his words sink in. "So you're saying I haven't brought anything to the table." I surmised, but he shook his head and sighed.
"I'm saying I don't got nothing bringing to the table and that aint fair. You can't give a shit about somebody when they got nothing to offer you."
I shook my head. "You think you have nothing to offer?" I questioned incredulously. "Jason look at yourself. You're a man who's had to fight for everything he's wanted for years. You had to put up with a father who didn't deserve you. You've had to struggle living on the streets and through all of that, you managed to raise a beautiful little boy who looks at you like you hung the moon." I told him seriously, and though he listened, he said nothing.
"You're the most responsible, hardworking and selfless person I know. If anyone out there has anything to offer it's you." I told him, but he looked away. "You think I care if you don't have money or a house or any of all the other things that don't matter?" I questioned him. "You've made me a happy man by just being here." He looked at me then and I continued. "That's the best thing anyone can offer a person. Trust me."
He looked at me for a long time after that, like he could read the truth in my eyes and he had to be sure it was what he was seeing. So I went ahead and held his gaze, refusing to look away before he found exactly what he was looking for, and when he did, he nodded slowly.
"Okay."
I raised a brow, wanting to ask him the conclusion he'd come to but not wanting to push him. So finally I nodded too and stood and his eyes followed me.
"Are you still gonna work on your case?" he questioned and I shook my head.
"No." I told him. "The chief already put some guys on it. I'll let them do their job."
He surprised me with a smile and I felt a brief tightening of my chest before.
"Do you think you can go check on Timmy? He's normally up by now." Hr requested and with a nod, I stood and crossed the room.
Once I exited, I crossed the hall, thinking on his words and that smile and the night before.
Jesus.
If this constant whirlwind of thoughts and emotions was what it meant to be in love, then I had a renewed sense of respect for people like my parents who'd managed to do it for decades. I pushed open the door to Timmy's room and peeked in, just to make sure he was alright, but he was already sitting up in bed playing with bunny, so he spotted me the moment my head popped in.
He didn't call for me as expected, but instead he dropped the bunny and raised his arms, so I crossed the floor and picked him up.
"Morning little man." I greeted him, noticing his flushed cheeks and runny nose.
He dropped his head onto my shoulder without a greeting in return and I reached up to feel his forehead with the back of my hand.
He had a slight fever.
"Hey, you alright buddy? I asked him gently, but he only reached up to play with the button on my shirt and I ran a hand through his curls.
"You want some tea?" I questioned and only then did he nod, granted it wasn't with his usual enthusiasm.
I pulled the blanket from the bed and wrapped it around his small frame, before turning to exit the room. He was silent as I crossed the hall and when I pushed open my own room door and looked in, Jason was still in bed, a hand thrown lazily over his eyes as he soaked in the sun streaming through the window.
He glanced up when I entered.
"I think he's sick." I told him in a tone that was soothing for Timmy's benefit.
Jason frowned and gestured for me to bring his son to him. When I was next to him, he felt Timmy's cheeks and forehead, much like I'd done earlier.
"You feeling sick babe?" he questioned, but Timmy only watched him. His big eyes looking sad and miserable.
"Can you give him something warm to drink?" he asked, pushing up from the bed with the covers still wrapped securely around his waist. "Just gimmie a minute and I'll come down." He explained and so I did as requested.
I carried the quiet Timmy out of the room and down the stairs. When I placed him on the couch, wrapped the blanket around him and switched on the TV, he didn't even make a fuss. I would have been lying if I said I wasn't worried as I watched him. He didn't even make an effort to suck his favorite fingers.
I made quick work of his tea in the kitchen and contemplated dialing my mom as I carried his cup with the warm liquid back into the family room where he still lay.
"Here's your tea buddy." I told him softly. He allowed me to pull him into my lap and didn't even try to take over like he usually did when I attempted to feed him. He merely drank the offered liquid as his eyes remained glued to the cartoon playing on the screen.
I took my time feeding him; raising the cup to his mouth in between brief pauses, and through it all he didn't make a sound. I wasn't used to him like this. I wanted him energetic and talkative; like he'd been just the night before and every day before that.
"You want some mac and cheese?" I asked him when he managed to drink half the contents of the cup and he shook his head.
He must really be feeling sick if he was turning down his favorite meal.
I pressed a hand to his forehead and frowned. When I was sick, I popped a few pills and went on with life, but this was a little kid. I didn't know what the protocol was when it came to them and their needs.
"You want your grapes?"
"No."
"Strawberries?"
"No."
"What do you want"?
"No." he shook his head again and with a helpless shake of my own head, I tipped the cup of tea to his mouth again.
As he drank, he reached up to absently twist his hair around his finger.
"Daddy." Timmy pronounced when I lowered the cup again and I looked up to see Jason leaning against the wall, watching us.
"Hey babe. You feeling better?"
"No." he said shaking his head. His brows were furrowed and his mouth pulled down in a miserable pout.
Jason pushed off the wall and came to kneel in front of us. He placed his palm against his son's cheek and Timmy leaned his head into it.
"You're gonna feel better soon." He told him. "I promise."
"Some?" Timmy pointed to the cup I held, and Jason shook his head, but smiled.
"That's yours, you drink it." He said and Timmy tilted his head, letting the top of it rest against my chest as he looked up at me expectantly.
""More?" I asked, and when he nodded, I continued to feed him. He kept his eyes planted on Jason the whole time he drank, and when he was done, he raised his arms for Jason to pick him up.
I watched him straighten and lift Timmy into his arms.
"You think his fever's getting worse?" I asked him and he shrugged.
"He's gonna be alright. We just gotta make sure we keep giving him things to drink, like porridge and orange juice and water." He explained. "It aint nothing serious."
I nodded slowly, my eyes on the little thing, then I glanced down at the phone beside me.
"Mind if I get a second opinion?" I asked him. "Just to be sure."
Again he shrugged, so I picked up the phone and dialed my mom. She answered after the third ring and I kept my eyes on them as we spoke. Her first question was of course about Timmy and I explained that he'd woken up ill.
"He'll be fine Michael, just keep him hydrated. Make sure he gets some vitamin C in him; Orange juice will do and some soup wouldn't hurt either." She told me. "And lots of rest. That's important." I nodded.
"Thanks mom, I appreciate it."
"Of course honey. I'm glad you have someone to take care of." Brief pause. "I never liked seeing you so alone."
After we'd said our goodbyes, I nodded at the question in Jason's eyes.
"You were right of course." I said "She said to keep him hydrated and let him rest."
Jason nodded. "Kids get sick." He told me wisely. "You just gotta keep your head and do what you gotta do."
"Yes sir." I joked and we shared a smile.
"Bunny?" Timmy asked, rubbing his eyes and I stood and deposited the empty cup on the coffee table.
"I'll go get it."
I took the stairs two at a time and when I reached his room I plucked Bunny off the bed by his ugly floppy ears, grabbed Timmy's bed slippers in the process and made my way back down to the family room. There, Jason stood with a tissue at Timmy's nose.
"Blow." He told him and Timmy did as he asked.
When he wiped him up and his face was nice and clean, I watched him lay Timmy on the couch, pulling the colorful blanket over his small frame. He fluffed up the little pillow we always kept down there for Timmy and after dropping the slippers on the floor by the chair, I handed him his Bunny.
I just couldn't understand how he could be sick when we did everything we could to keep him healthy. We didn't take him out in the rain or the cold air without the proper protection. We made sure he ate healthy and we kept him happy. It just highlighted the fact that little people were just fragile and in need of extra care and attention if you wanted them to grow up well.
Timmy rubbed his eyes slowly and yawned. For once he didn't fuss or fight it as the sleep came. He just closed his eyes and let it happen and I found that I didn't like seeing him like this-not one bit.
"I'm gonna go make him some porridge for when he wakes up."
"But he hates porridge." I whispered, following him out of the room.
"Yeah well... When a kid's sick, it don't matter what he wants. The only thing that matters is that he gets healthy again." He told me seriously and I nodded in agreement.
"You don't seem too concerned right now. My heart's racing." I chuckled to make light of what I was feeling, but I could see that he knew I was just about ready to steal his son away and run with him to the emergency room.
"I used to be like that." He told me as he got the ingredients out of the cupboards. "But after a while you get used to this kinda thing."
I nodded as I sat at the stool to watch him, but I didn't really think I'd ever get used to seeing my boy sick.
Jason placed a pot with water on the stove and lit it and with a frustrated sigh, I got up to make us breakfast. No point in neglecting our own health at a time like this.
....................................................
The day passed slowly and uneventfully. While Timmy slept, we sat around and talked or watched the muted television and took turns feeling his skin to check on his fever. We woke him around lunch time and I listened to him cry as Jason forced him to eat his porridge, then I carried him to the bathroom and held his hands while he used the toilet. He slept for hours after that, only waking briefly to cry for his Bunny, who had fallen off the couch while he'd slept.
Jason woke him two more times after that. Once to feed him some orange juice and another time to feed him his dinner; the chicken noodle soup I'd helped him prepare. When the doorbell rang around six that evening, he was down again, sucking his fingers while he slept. I opened the door to Kyle and John; one of them carrying two containers that smelled suspiciously like homemade brownies, and the other holding the leash of two very excited little dogs.
"Sorry to drop in on you like this." John was saying as I led them into the kitchen. "Kyle insisted."
"It's not a problem, you guys know you're welcome anytime."
"That's what I kept telling him." Kyle explained to me, then rolled his eyes at his partner, who only shook his head.
I grinned. "Where's fat cheeks? The puppies were missing him so I figured I'd bring them over."
I glanced toward the family room just as Jason entered the kitchen. "He's passed out on the couch. He's been down with a cold all day."
Kyle frowned. "Aww the poor baby. Good thing I brought him some treats." He gestured to the brownies he'd placed on the counter. "They'll cheer him right up. I'll just let the puppies loose in your back yard then so they don't disturb him." Then he gestured to Jason. "Come on we can catch up while we watch them."
And so they went and John took a seat around my counter.
"A word of advice." He began and I looked at him quizzically. "Throw out the brownies as soon as we leave."
I laughed. "When's he gonna learn he can't cook to save his life?"
John smiled in amusement. "He's in denial."
"You want a beer?" I asked him on my way to the fridge.
"Sure."
When I opened two of them and slid one across the counter to him, he was watching me.
"Heard you wont be working the homicide investigation."
I grabbed the seat across from him and ran a hand through my hair. ""Maybe it's for the best."
He raised a brow in surprise. "Since when?"
I took a swig of the liquid and glanced toward the family room where Timmy slept. "Since I have a family to think about now."
It was a moment before he said anything to that. Instead he watched me and I let him. Ever the thinker, ever the one who had to analyze every situation.
"You should take us up on our offer then. "he said "You know Nate and I are starting a business and there's always a place for you there."
I shook my head. "And you know I'm never leaving the FBI."
"Maybe it's time you consider it."
"You really think you're going to be satisfied as a private investigator" I asked seriously. "After everything we've been through at the Bureau?"
He shrugged. "Who knows. Maybe I will, maybe I won't...but it's like you said. I've got a family to think about. You've seen Kyle...he can't even squash a bug. He needs me alive."
I chuckled "Yeah...well I don't plan on dying."
John smiled. "Nobody really plans on dying Michael."
...................................
Two hours and a lot of conversation later, Timmy walked into the kitchen. He was barefooted, with Bunny in one hand and his blanket in the other. He paused when he saw John, but raised his arms as soon as he spotted me, and I hopped off the stool and lifted him into my arms. Bunny and the blanket fell to the floor.
"Hey buddy." I greeted, before feeling his head. The fever hadn't broken yet. "How are you feeling?"
"Tea?" came his immediate reply and it was a good thing I'd had the sense to put on the kettle earlier. The water was already warm and ready for him.
"You wanna say hi to uncle Johnny?" I asked him as we passed the silent John on our way to the kettle. While he watched him, he didn't reply and I grinned before turning my attention to the task at hand.
When I was done, I took my seat on the stool and sat him in my lap and like he'd done earlier, he allowed me to feed him. As he drank, his eyes remained on John and John's eyes remained on him.
"You change your mind about having kids yet?"
John snorted. "Doubt I ever will."
"What if Kyle wants them?"
He frowned then and finally shook his head. "I'm hoping he won't change his mind either."
"And if he does?"
"Then I guess we'll be coming to you for advice on how to raise a kid then, won't we?" he said unhappily and I laughed. Yeah because Kyle always got what he wanted. John just couldn't help himself.
I set the cup on the table and held Timmy out to him. "Want to hold him?"
"No." they said in unison and I couldn't help but laugh.
"Trust me, when you have one of your own you'll wonder why you waited so long."
John wasn't convinced. "So you three are a done deal then?"
"I hope so." I said seriously "I'm already in love with them...can't go back now."
Timmy began to fuss and I handed him the cup; holding the bottom so he wouldn't spill it.
"Well then good luck."
Kyle, Jason and the dogs took that moment to come in, and to my surprise, when Timmy spotted the furry creatures he didn't even bat an eye. He did gave a cursory glance, but they could have been invisible for all the attention he gave them.
"Oh look, he's awake." Kyle pointed out when he saw us. He came to a stop by my side and held out a hand, which after only brief consideration Timmy touched...if only for a moment.
Before the two could interact further though, John stood. "We'd better be going now." He announced and Kyle glanced over at him with a frown. I suppressed a grin. If John thought prying Kyle away from Timmy would keep him from changing his mind about kids, he had another thing coming.
"We've been here all of five minutes Johnny."
He raised a brow. "Try two hours." Then he took the leashes from Kyle and began moving away.
"It was nice catching up." I said, helping him out. "And thanks again for the brownies." It was only then that Kyle shrugged and turned to go. "We'll visit again soon then...and I'll bring more for you guys." He said. Jason left to follow them to the door and a minute later he returned.
He pointed to the brownies and said seriously; "You shouldn't eat that."
I chuckled. "Yeah John gave me the heads up."
He smiled before taking the seat John had previously occupied. "I like your friends." He said simply and I nodded.
"Good to know."
"Kyle said he invested in John's business." He explained, looking down at his hands
I could already see where he was going with this. "Yeah I'm aware."
"So even though he doesn't work, what he did made it so that he kinda does work. He's still contributing...like a man's supposed to"
I heaved a sigh. "Jason there are more ways to contribute than with money. I told you that." I told him, but he only shook his head, then very suddenly, he froze, looking at me as though something had just occurred to him.
"You alright?" I questioned and I watched as he stood.
"I...I just remembered something." He said, and very slowly a smile broke across his face. "I think...I gotta go." And he turned and bolted out the room.
I stared on in surprise, before lifting Timmy-cup and all-and carrying him with me out the kitchen and into the family room where Jason was pulling on his coat.
"What're you doing?"
He glanced up at me with an expression that was almost giddy. "I'm going out real quick."
I glanced at the clock on the wall, then back at him in confusion. "Right now?" but he was already pulling open the front door and stepping out onto the steps.
"Yeah... just take care of Timmy. I'm gonna go get something...then I'm coming right back."
He leaned in and kissed his son's forehead and a moment later he was running down the stairs and down the driveway.
"Jason!" I called, but he was out of my sight before I could take a step in his direction.
I looked down at Timmy and he looked up at me. We both frowned.
...................................................
~Jason~
The old place looked shittier than I remembered. I figured that was only because I lived somewhere nicer now, because back then I used to think this place was the best thing that ever happened to us.
I took the steps one at a time and they creaked just like I remembered, except that when I got to the very top, my foot went right through and I had to grab onto the old wooden rail to keep my balance. The front door swung open when I touched it and I had to use the flashlight on my phone to light the way.
It was mostly hard to believe that me and Timmy lived here once. I walked past the kitchen and around the corner to the mattress me and Timmy used to share, then I pushed it out of the way and it slid across the floor noisily when it rubbed against the dirt and wooden splinters that had fallen from the ceiling. When I had enough room, I stuck my hand into the narrow hole I'd made in the floor so long ago and sighed in relief when my hand came in contact with the bag.
I pulled the zipper open as soon as it was all the way out and peered inside at the cash that was still there.
Thank God.
It was hard to believe I'd forgotten all about this stash. I remembered when back then it was all that used to be on my mind. Every time I went out I'd worry about someone coming in and stealing it and every time I took it out with me I'd worry about someone holding me up and stealing it. Then after all that, I'd met Michael and forgot all about it.
I zipped it back up and put it on my back. This had been me and Timmy's saving money. For when we'd been saving for a place of our own; with running water and a working stove and a fridge and all that. Funny how you could meet someone and have them wipe out all that important shit outta your head without even trying.
I shoved back the mattress so that it covered the hole again and stood, shining the light to look around the place we used to call home. It felt like so long ago; probably because it was. I held on to the straps of the bag, before stuffing the phone back into the pocket of my jacket.
Now I had to go home to Michael and show him that there really was something I could offer. It wasn't a lot; not even close to what Michael had, but it was money I'd earned all on my own. Money he didn't have to take out of his own pocket and give me, so it counted as something.
I'd give him and he could use it to help pay some utility bills or whatever it was that he paid for every month and for once it wouldn't have to come out of his own pocket. For once he'd be able to say that I'd gone and contributed to our living and maybe then it would be even a little bit fair that me and Timmy lived there. Maybe then it wouldn't look so bad.
I crossed the room easily enough now that my eyes had adjusted to the darkness. I didn't like my old man but he was right when he'd told me what a man's job was. If I didn't believe in anything, I believed those words; a man's job was to take care of his family, and If he couldn't do that then he wasn't worth much.
I reached behind me and patted the bag. At least now I could say I was doing my part; even if it was just for one month or two. I pulled the front door closed behind me as I left, knowing that this might very well be the last time I did it again and the thought made me smile.
I think maybe it was because I was so caught up in the house and what a man's duty was that I didn't see them until I stepped onto the grass, but when I did notice the group standing out on the lawn not too far in front of me, I froze and my smile froze with me.
"Hey Jason." Ronny called out. He had his arm wrapped around Sophie; another member of the crew I used to hang with sometimes. There was also Dave, Sharon, Martin, Joseph, Ricky, and Paul.
I nodded in their direction, but for the most part, I kept my head down. I didn't want any trouble, not tonight. Not when I was so close to doing something good.
"Surprised to see you here." He continued. "Heard you up and ran off with some cop."
I shook my head. "Where'd you hear that crap? You know I aint down with no cops."
"Oh yeah?" Ronny kept at it. "Well when we aint seen you around here no more we figured the rumors was true."
I kept walking, though I'd slowed down some so as not to make them suspicious.
"I've been around. Just figured it was time for a change of scenery that's all."
Ronny was walking toward me, pulling Sophie along with him and like they usually did, the others followed him, watching me like there was nothing better to do.
"Looks like you got more than a change of scenery don't you think guys?" he asked them and it was Sharon who replied. "Looks like he went and got himself some perfect new life."
Ronny nodded. "Yeah, you looking real pretty in them rich people clothes. Looks like you went and fixed yourself up real nice huh Jason?"
"So I got new clothes...aint nothing wrong with that." I said and finally came to a stop when they succeeded in blocking me.
"Aint nothing wrong with new clothes, until you up and ditch your friends at least."
I shook my head. "I just needed a break for a while. You know I got Timmy to think about."
Ronny nodded, but his eyes narrowed. "Where is the kid anyway?"
I shrugged, trying to act cool and calm, when all I wanted to do was run before they went and tried something stupid. "I left him with somebody for a little while, so I gotta go pick him back up soon."
""Yeah...left him with your cop it sounds like." Martin put in and again I shook my head.
"I look dumb enough to go get myself caught up with some cop to you?"
He seemed to think about it for a second, then he held up a heavy looking bag and grinned. "You wouldn't believe the shit me scored tonight."
I swallowed hard, my eyes darting to the road and back. "Yeah? What's that?"
"Booze man. The guy didn't know what hit him. We even cleaned out the register." He laughed. "Best night of my life."
I nodded. "Sounds like it." Then I glanced at Ronny. "Look, I gotta get back to Timmy. I can't leave him this long."
"The kid'll be fine. Come chill with us for a little while like we used to."
I shook my head and moved; trying to get out of their way, while keeping my eyes on them.
"What? You can't have a few drinks with your buddies now?" Ronny asked, looking slightly pissed off. "You think just because you've got your fancy new clothes, that we aint good for you no more?"
I kept walking, refusing to let him get to me. I just needed to get onto the road and get the hell away from here. I could already picture Michael and Timmy back at home and waiting for me.
I kept going, moving with purpose and with care. "You wanna know what else we scored Jason?" Ronny said and I shook my head, glancing at him in time the see him lift his shirt to remove the gun that he'd stuck in the waistband of his jeans.
The breath left my body and I froze, watching him approach me with a grin. He held up the gun for me to see and my heart was pounding when he came to stand before me.
"You can have a few drinks with your good friends can't you Jason?" he asked, wrapping his arm around my neck so that the gun came to rest against my chest.
I looked down at it, then up at him and I felt like I'd throw up right then and there.
"Is that a yes?" he asked and I couldn't even sallow past the lump in my throat as I nodded.
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