~EDITED
CONNIE'S P.O.V
Normally I'd pretend not to care, but I just couldn't help but notice that none of my friends had called me. Maybe I'd pushed them to their limit and they didn't care anymore; I had made their lives worse ever since I'd arrived, having a depressed roomate will grate on you after a while. I know Katie wouldn't in a million years, but I expected something off Sian or Polly at least...
Jack pulled me out of my short-lived reverie. "There you go Connie. You can't say he's not hurting, missing you a painful amount, or completely in love with you." His face stretched into a smug smile.
"Ugh. Jack, do you have to be such an arse about it?" I glared at him. I'd always hated it when he thought he was right.
"It's true though! You can't deny he loves you. And wants you back, Connie."
"But he cheated." I whispered. It was the only argument I had. The only disagreeing fiber in my body that wasn't screaming at me to end his hurt and give in to what I wanted more than anything else.
It was undeniable however, he had hurt me. He'd hurt me so much, that every time I thought about him, I saw some girl draped all over him. He'd made me feel like I couldn't trust anyone, that eventually everyone would betray me somehow. Like my life was a waiting game, waiting to be hurt by everyone I loved and was close to. The hurt ran deeper than he realised. But maybe I was blinded by something that made the hurt shallower than I knew it should be. Some hope or slight emotion that I wasn't quite aware of yet, in the peripheral of my universe, floating around, waiting for its chance in the limelight.
That was all that was stopping me. My whole body cried out for him, and would forgive him instantly; even my heart, it was broken and it saw Alex as the cure, the missing piece. But my head screamed at me that I was stupid for even considering it, that I would only get hurt again. the age old cliche that nobody had a straight answer to: do you listen to your heart or to your head? My mind played on my fears and my hurt, and I'd always listened to my head; and now I just wondered if it was all a big mistake. Alex had always made sense, there was no question about my past and my future when we were together; he was it. But without him, I get lost and my future gets hazy and I have no idea where I'm going. Head or heart?
All I knew was that I couldn't see Alex yet, not until I sorted my head out; he'd just confuse me even more thanI already was.
"Connie? What are you thinking about beautiful?" My heart always jerked a little when Jack called me that, he was such a little charmer, he was going to make somebody a very lucky girl one day, bless him.
"What to follow."
"The sidewalk?" He looked baffled at me. And I couldn't help laughing, it sounded weird, I hadn't done that for a while!
"No silly! My head or my heart; it feels like they're both screaming at me."
He took my hands in his and made me look at him. Jack never did this, it was almost like he was serious. "Well, you have to figure out which one is shouting the loudest and try to imagine taking that route. Fast forward your life down that road and what do you see? Does it feel right, or not?"
"Hmmm..." That sounded so easy, if only... All I wanted to do was trust him again. I tried to see the road away from him, following my head, the way I'd trusted since my mother died, it had never led me wrong yet. But maybe this time was different? Maybe I had to listen to all the stupid romantic novels and love songs and do 'what my heart says'. But it felt so strange, to ignore my common sense and reason, I wasn't sure I was ready for such a big risk. I'd always been so cautious about everything I did, always factored in the risks. Alex had always laughed at me for it and he was right to, because I sure as hell never saw this coming.
"Well? Did it work?" I snapped my head away from the window I hadn't realised I'd been staring out of, and turned to look at Jack sat beside me holding out a mug of hot chocolate for me.
"Thanks," as I took the mug from him, I noticed a weird look on his face, "are you okay?" I studied him more closely, his eyes were red and bloodshot, the way they look when you're straining to hold back tears.
"Fine. I guess." He tried to act breezy, even if he was avoiding my eyes; but I could tell there was some secret emotion he was trying to suppress and hide from me. There was an edge to his tone that I couldn't figure out. Hiding the truth from me was not like him at all.
"You guess? C'mon Jack, it's me for God's sake! You know you can tell me anything!"
He shook his head. "I know, but don't worry, you have enough on your plate..." His pathetic attempt at a reassuring smile actually really annoyed me. Why was he keeping things from me? After all I'd shared with him.
"I never have enough on my plate for your problems. Now spill. Don't even argue. You're not leaving here until you do."
"I'll do you a deal yeah? If you go see Alex, I'll tell you everything." That was sly. Since when did we bargain and do 'deals' to tell each other stuff? Wasn't it supposed to be a natural thing? Whatever this was had to be really upsetting him because he was never like this; he always told me everything that upset him. This was really really odd, and I couldn't figure it out. But judging by his now hardened expression, wiping away any trace of vulnerability as if it had never even ghosted his eyes, there was no room for a debate. At least I knew that about him.
"Okay then. Deal. But I'm not happy, Jack." He grinned.
"I know. You never are if you don't get your way!" He laughed, and pulled out my tongue, playing along. How could he switch from moods so quickly? He drove me crazy.
Then it hit me. I'd just agreed to see Alex. Why did I do that?! That thing I was trying to avoid because I knew exactly how it would end, I'd just willingly agreed to.
This was going to be a nightmare.