Amanda's POV
I had panicked. Just as soon as I had seen the glimt of James moving towards my table I had bolted. I just didn't feel like once again coming up with some stupid excuse. It had been much more simple to just walk up and leave. The fact that he hadn't followed meant either two things. One, he hadn't been about to talk to me. Two, he had given up and realized that I was avoiding him. I didn't know which one was best. At least my maneuver had been successful.
I was currently sitting curled up on one of the windowsills in the castle somewhere. After rushing out and then taking random turns and random stairs I had felt like resting. Since there hadn't been any place to sit, the windowsill had seemed pretty inviting. It was actually pretty nice sitting there. I was reading the chapter we were supposed to read in herbology. It was easy to focus and it felt cosy.
"I really don't know why, but you seriously need to learn to be more slick if you're going to avoid people." I jumped at the voice and looked to my side. Scorpius and Dolan were standing there, both smirking. I tilted my head to side, silently asking what they wanted.
"It is pretty funny watching you run from Potter though. It is even more funny than hearing your excuses. Ehm... I need to study with Allison all afternoon... and evening, that on is my favorite", Dolan said as he and Scorpius chuckled. I simply glared annoyingly at them and sighed.
"Are you only hear to taunt my lies?", I wondered in slight irritation while looking at them without any interest. Dolan rolled his eyes while Scorpius simply shook his head.
"Then what is it?", I wondered which made Dolan chuckle a little. He stopped though when he saw the glare I was sending his way. I didn't really enjoy other people enjoying my misery. If they found it so funny they could gladly take my place. I didn't really want to be where I was.
"We just wanted to know if you're coming with us to Hogsmead today", Scorpius explained. I made sure that the confusion I was feeling wasn't shown on my face. I hadn't even realized that it was Hogsmead weekend. I had been to occupied by my own misery to think of those things. I didn't want others to know that though. I simply gave the guys a sad smile.
"Sorry, boys, I think I'm staying here today", I told them and I could see that it was the answer they had expected. They hadn't come to me because they didn't know if I wanted to come. They had come to me because they had wished that their prediction was wrong. Sadly, they had been right though and there wasn't anything changing my mind. Hogsmead was a place of happiness and that didn't really fit my current emotional state.
"Okay, then. We'll see you later", Scorpius said with slight disappointment in his voice before he and Dolan left. I stayed on the windowsill in silence for a little while. With a deep sigh I picked up the book once more and I started reading it again. I only had a couple of pages left and I really wanted to finish it as soon as possible.
As I was about to read the last sentence I heard footsteps coming down the corridor. My heart sped up a little but I told myself that the chance of it being James coming towards me was really small. I quickly finished the chapter and then put down the book next to me. When I looked up I saw that it wasn't James, which made relief fill my heart. It was actually Christina and Allison. Neither did they look happy, mad or sad. If I was to describe their expressions I would have said that they were actually a bit troubled.
"Hey, guys", I greeted and jumped down from the windowsill. I felt a bit stiff after sitting down the same way for about half an hour. I tried moving my legs a little to get the blood in my body flowing again, but it was a slow process.
"Hey. Dolan and Scorp said that you were here. We just wanted to ask you one last time if you're sure about not coming to Hogsmead with us", Allison explained. I tried to show carelessness in my smile, but I'm pretty sure that it came of as sad instead. Then I shrugged my shoulders.
"I'm not really feeling it today. I guess I'll just stay here today. I have a lot of homework to catch up on and I guess I just want to relax", I told them. They gave each other a glance, but nodded. It was clear to all three of us that I wasn't telling them the whole truth, but no one wanted to be the one saying it out loud. I was about to say good bye, when Christina suddenly spoke.
"I'm not sure if my brother told you already, but James wants to talk to you. He told us to tell you and I thought you should know. Maybe you should consider it." I put my hand against my forehead at the news. I knew that Christina was right. I also knew that she gave me the advice because she wanted to help me. I wasn't mad at her. I just felt that I didn't want to face my problems yet. I didn't want to have to look James in the face and lie again. He deserved better than that. He deserved better than me ignoring him. The problem was that I didn't have the guts to either tell him the truth or brake up with him.
"I will, I promise. I need to do this, even if I don't want to", I told the girls and they smiled sympathetically at me in response. I wasn't sure yet if I would actually do it, I just didn't want them to have to worry about it. If they at least thought that I would handle my problems they would maybe feel better.
"See you later", Allison said as a good bye before the two left to go and enjoy a happy day. I stayed where I stood and pondered on whether I should try to find James, or keep on avoiding him. It might sound stupid, but I did really try to find all of the braveness inside of me so that I would go to James. There was too much nervousness in me though, which led me to turn around and walk farther into the castle. I knew where I was going. It would probably work well as a hiding spot. I was going to the Room of Requirement.
•••
I opened the door in front of me and stepped inside. At the same time as I let the door close behind me I froze. The one thing I had absolutely not wanted to happen, happened. The sound of the door closing behind me echoed in the room and it made James turn around. As soon as he saw me standing there his eyes lit up. That light closed as soon as he saw the frown and the unhappy expression on my face.
"I don't know if you heard, but I've been looking for you", he nervously got out as he scratched his head in unsureness. I knew that I was the reason to why he was nervous. He didn't know how I would react. It was horrible that he felt that way, because he had never acted that way before. It was my fault though.
"Yeah, I heard", I confirmed as I then felt as if I just wanted to run out of the room. I was able to silent the thought with new braveness I had gotten from facing the problem. I had gotten the final push that I had needed without meaning for it to happen.
James seemed to try to find the words he was looking for. It looked like he didn't want me to get mad at what he was going to say. Little did he know that he could basically say anything and I wouldn't even think of getting mad at him. I deserved to hear whatever he had to say.
"You've been kind of distant lately and well... I've noticed that your whole mood has dropped. You don't ever really seem happy. I just want to know what's wrong." It surprised me that he had actually noticed my mood. Had he noticed that just by seeing me during lessons and in the Great Hall? I couldn't believe it.
In that moment I was just a breath away from telling him about everything. I was so close, but then the words stuck in my throat. They would come out, and I knew why. I couldn't risk it. I couldn't risk hurting the people around me. One person was already dead, even if I hadn't known her it was terrible. I couldn't even imagine it happening to someone close to me. I was scared that maybe Scorp or Allison or Christina or Molly or Louis or anyone would pay for my actions. What if it even went that far as to someone at home getting hurt. I couldn't be there for them.
"I'm fine." The words stumbled out of my mouth, without sounding honest. I couldn't look James in the eyes when I said it. I just knew that I needed to say it. I needed to pretend that nothing was wrong, even if he could tell that something was.
"Please don't lie to me. I know that something is incredibly wrong, and I just want to be there for you", James pleaded with me as he came closer to me. I had to blink multiple times to get the tears out of my eyes. I took a deep breath and looked up att James pleading face. I shook my head and acted as if there wasn't anything wrong.
"Really, I'm fine", I told him and heard how my voice had thickened. When James heard it he tried to take a step closer to comfort me, but I took a step back and raised my hand.
"I can't", was all I could say. I heard James' sudden intake of breath and how he was about to say something. I turned around though to show that I didn't want to hear it.
"Fine, then." Seconds later I heard the door to the room shut and I put both of my hands over my face. I breathed in and out repeatedly as I reminded myself to not let any tear slip out. I couldn't cry, I couldn't let myself brake. I was scared of not being able to stitch myself together if it happened. Therefor I kept fighting the sadness that threatened to escape me. I fought until I felt the numbness of no feelings inside of me. The sadness was the only feeling I had. Feeling nothing was better than feeling sadness.