He stared into the locker long after the final bell rang and the halls started clearing out. He was almost afraid to touch the books inside and the pictures and notes taped to the sides and the door were even worse. He didn't want to leave them here though so they had to come down. He quickly grabbed the text books and left them in a pile on the floor. One of the teachers or a janitor would find them and handle it. They weren't what he was here for.
"Hey, we just wanted to say how sorry we are." A group of kids from his English class stopped by on their way out of the building, taking a few moments away from their precious summer break.
He just nodded and turned back towards the door, pretending to fix his hair in the attached mirror before reaching towards it. He didn't feel real, nothing did.
"Um, so if you need anything. Let us know" Ricky said.
"Yeah, we're so sorry" one of the girls added.
"Was he really on his way to your house?" Brad asked before getting smacked in the arm by one of the other guys.
"Dude, you can't talk about that! RUDE!!"
Dan wasn't really paying them any attention, his mind was filled with the same scene it had replayed countless times over the past four days. Their last texts were still on his phone; him laying on his bed being lazy while Asher gushed over Mike's change of heart and how they'd talked and gotten the house all cleaned up that afternoon. Their shared amazement that Mike had let him leave the house on a Sunday, even though it was family day, because he knew how much they wanted to see each other. Arguing good naturedly over what to watch and that Asher would see him soon and to not start the movie without him.
Even though Dan hadn't seen the accident he knew exactly where it had happened. He'd walked the long way to the bus stop this morning because he couldn't bear to go past the corner where the drunk driver had hit him. His parents told him that in his drunken stupor, the driver had forgotten to turn his headlights on and that Asher couldn't have seen him coming fast enough. They'd said he died instantly and that he hadn't suffered.
It didn't matter though because nothing did anymore. He carefully peeled down a picture Asher had taken of their rock. He'd said once that sometimes when he felt overwhelmed he would look at it and try to remember how he felt there. It was their happy place. Dan had tried to go yesterday, wanting to feel that sense of calm, but his feet refused to move once he turned onto the path. He didn't think he'd ever go back; the photo would have to do.
There were many things he couldn't imagine ever doing again. Parts of himself that he was sure had died with Asher. He'd wished over and over that it had been him instead and it could have been if he hadn't whined to Asher about already being in his pajamas. If Asher were still here, he would be able recover. Ash was strong enough to get through anything, to do anything, to become anything. Dan wasn't. He knew that.
He took down a picture that Asher had taken of him from the rafters during play practice. He wanted to believe in heaven, to think that Asher had the same view now. It didn't matter though, really. Either he was dead and gone or he was in heaven; either way he was safe and happy enough. Dan was the one stuck here alone and miserable.
"Dan, you're here!"
He stared at Bailey who had caused Asher so much grief.
"I just wanted you to know that it wasn't me. I was trying to warn him, I.... well I am too. Okay? Please don't tell anyone. I heard people talking and... I'm so sorry Dan. I really am."
Dan watched him walk away, trying to pretend that it was Asher instead and that they would see each other again soon.
"Dan?" Mrs. Maldonado put her hand on his elbow. "I'm so sorry about Asher. Are you okay?"
He shrugged his shoulders, it had become his standard response during the past few days.
"I know you're hurting right now but not talking about it won't help. You need to speak, Dan. Asher would want you to."
Her words felt like a hot knife in his chest. What did she know? Did she think he didn't know that? Did she think that he was doing this FOR Asher? No, he was doing it for himself. He'd helped Asher find his voice again and what they'd shared had made each of them better and stronger. Now that Asher was gone he felt like all the music had been snuffed out too. Words had been theirs, in lyrics, in whispers, in scribbles and in fingertips. The spoken words had been the least of their connection and until he could feel that way again he had no need of them. He wanted to keep Asher close and this was the only way he knew how. He didn't know how to explain but he knew without a doubt that he would never speak again.
"Dan, it'll get easier. Not soon, but someday."
He shook his elbow free and reached for the last picture, a selfie of them that Asher had gotten developed. Ash was smiling, his cute dimple flashing. They'd been happy. Really happy. He didn't regret a single day. He told himself that Asher had gotten to talk again and to love. It wasn't enough but it would have to do. Why did the brightest lights have to dim so quickly?
Good-bye my songbird. I hope you're free.