Holy fuck. I'm stood here currently, Alfie and Marcus with sneering, disgusted faces looking down on me, Phil giving me an apologetic look and I'm stood here internally freaking out.
I thought they had had pissed off for the night to go fuck random strangers and to give me space and time. Luckily, this is at the end of the garden so no crowds or confrontational behaviour. My thoughts about what I'm having to compose are suddenly cut off;
"Dan, dude, what the fuck? I didn't invite you here to become all lovey-dovey with fucking Lester?! Are you a faggot? What the-" Alfie yelled, no giving a shit about his choice of words.
I cut him off. He's outraged and Marcus, whose still glued to his side, as originally, is still in hysterical laughter. I'm hoping they're pissed out of their minds so they don't remember this.
"I didn't do anything!" I am in no control on what I am saying right now, I'm losing it. This whole plan of me just trying to 'fit in' with society, has gone AWOL, just because someone was pissed and two pretentious dickheads are stood right in front of me, I need to keep this shitty reputation up, and fast. "He fucking latched onto me! Fuck off you faggot and don't come anywhere near me again, you got that? Piss off fag."
MINOR TRIGGER WARNING
As soon as those words came from my mouth, I was hit with an instant wave of regret. Those words, which had previously been triggered by, the reason the many scars lay across my body, the reason I cried myself to sleep, the reason why I had never fit in, just left my mouth and onto another person. Society. This is what's happening to me. I am trying to hard to impress that I am upsetting people. This 'party' was supposed to be a forgiveness ticket, but no. The whole 'forgiveness thing' will never happen. If society can't forgive, then I can't forgive myself.
I'm craving release. A way to punish myself because those despicable words, I deserved to be punished.
Punishment is a weakness, you must stay strong and not show it.
And that is what I'll have to do.
TRIGGER WARNING FINSIHED
"Yeah right Howell, don't you bullshit me, I know you wanted it." Marcus spoke suggestively, whether he was trying to be provocative like the usual dickheads are, he's defiantly doing it right.
"No! I swear, I didn't do anything! He came onto me,"
I need to do something that will make me believable. The alcohol is making my head throb, sirens screech into my brains dark abyss', slowly losing my sanity. Why do people drink? My vision blurs and sways, I can't contain my anger. I just wanted to fit in, to be like other people, I did what I thought I had to do, fuck you society.
"Oh yeah," Alfie spoke up again, "If that's the case, punch him pussy."
"I don't think that that's necessary, he's pissed. He had no control over his actions,"
"I knew it, Howell's a faggot,"
"No!"
"Prove it then,"
I had no choice. I had to do it this time, there was no doubt about it. All the things that I had already done, the things that I said, clearly wasn't enough. When did things start becoming this way? I had to do this. My head was screeching as the alcohol moved its way down my body, becoming less sober by the minute.
Without thought, my fist collided with Phil's jaw, the purple bruise already appearing, Phil stepped backwards as my sudden outburst struck with his face.
I had to get out of here. Now.
I took off, my legs taking me places without my brain even knowing where my destination was. The anger, upset, guilt and self disappointment making me move and push past the people who stood in my way. I ran out the front door, to drunk to drive back home and no cash for taxi, I would have to make the six mile commute back home by foot. My body swayed, loosing conscience. My feet trip up on one another, making it harder to walk than ever.
-
Some how I made it home, it must of taken at least three hours, but I'm home. I'm too drunk to remember where I located my key, so I'll have to knock.
I silently knocked three times, hoping it was loud enough for someone in my house to notice. I stood there for about thirty seconds until, to my surprise, Adam opened the door. He put a finger to my lips and motioned a silent 'shh' before taking me to the lounge and sitting me down on the couch. Turning the lights on down stairs, with the exception of the down stairs hall to avoid disturbing our parents, got me a glass of water and some paracetamol to pre-cure the horrific hangover I was sure to endure later. I took the paracetamol and necked immediately the glass of refreshing water.
Adam then disappeared upstairs, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I'm so upset with myself. How can people do this without feeling any unwanted emotion after? The feeling of purging an unwanted emotion by a cathartic way will eventually emit delectation, why do I not feel this yet?
The amount of self hatred right now is too much to comprehend. I stagger into the kitchen and grab yet another beer, not helping my already shit hangover. I open it silently, and take a massive swig. I need this.
It's my party now and I'll cry if I want to. Society is so hard just to be accepted in, it's like 'no one will love you if you're unattractive' or 'you don't have a lot of money'. It's bullshit.
I drink the whole thing in the second drink and instantly get a new one, I need this and it's not like my parents will find out, I just need to remove the evidence and drink away the pain.
I stop and let the darkness engulf me, allowing me to finally be myself.
-
The rest of the weekend was very uneventful, I spent the next day and a half recovering from self hatred and a God awful hangover. My parents never found out because thankfully, Adam kept his mouth shut.
On Sunday my Mum left for an important business trip late on the Sunday evening and my Dad claims to have to rush to his mothers for a birthday celebration tomorrow.
Adam fucked off God knows where so now I have the house to myself before and after school for the next few days.
I get into school fifteen minutes late and completely miss form, running and loosing my breath as I run to my first lesson, English, which I unfortunately share with Phil.
When I finally arrive, everyone else is sat down and intensely listening to what the teacher is saying about this terms project. Casually sliding into my seat and trying to get engage conversation with Phil, as I unluckily fail, and actually tune into what the teacher is saying.
"Right so yeah you're gonna hate me for this," My English teacher, Miss Jackson, who is a nasty piece of work and cares more about the work pay than the students education, drones on about this 'project' I presume is about to take place, "Your next project is once again Jekyll and Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson. I am fully aware that you have studied this for the last few years but this is a really important part of your exams. You will be paired up with your partner and the two people in front of you and Niomi and Tanya please join Marcus and Jim for the final four, and one of you come and collect this sheet."
Another project with Phil, one with PJ and the other with Caspar, this is sure to end abysmally.
Miss Jackson continues to speak in monotony about this project, whilst I need to work out a way to repair mine and Phil's 'friendship'.
I rip out the corner of my English book and scribble yet another apology out to Phil that he yet again won't accept. I can understand this time as it is genuinely serious.
He doesn't accept which I completely understand but get slightly pissed about. Does he not realise my power by now and what I am capable of? Why is he being a dick?
Bored of trying to reason with Phil, I doodle some words and miscellaneous song lyrics onto the paper. 'Mama' by My Chemical Romance suddenly springs into my head as I find myself softly humming it and saying the words under my breath.
"Mama, we all go to hell," I mutter with tune. I continue my serenade under my breath until Phil finally speaks up.
"Shut up, I am trying to pay attention to the project that you probably won't help with but when you are sing M-C-R it's kinda hard to focus so shut up, and yeah, you will go to Hell you prick" He angrily whisper shouts.
Well, he's sure to accept my apology soon, I just need to be persistent. If he can talk to me once I've annoyed him, then I'll do the same until he accepts it.
After all, he is weak and doesn't fit in the higher hierarchy of acceptable society...
A/N just for clarification really - I am not homophobic in anyway, I strongly support the LGBT+.