It had been a almost a month since I'v last seen Abel he had been on his tour. I would be lying if I said i trusted him because I didn't, I don't. There was still a part of me that felt like I was forcing him into this monogamist relationship shit even this damn marriage. So, how could I really trust him if this wasn't what he really wanted in the beginning. I mean yeah true enough he loves me but I'm sure a kid and a wife was no where in the plans. But we were here and there was still alot of damage that had been inflicted on both of our parts. I've hurt him and he's hurt me numerous times but I still stayed I still felt that he was mines and I knew for sure I was his and he made sure to leave his mark to remind me.
I sat daydreaming as I unpacked the boys clothes and toys. We had finally moved everything in the house and this was the last of the boxes. Inside I smiled but I was missing something, I was missing real happiness. I felt empty I felt abandoned by everything and everyone I've ever known. Abel was supposed to fill that void but yet he only made it bigger. Don't get me wrong I know that I allowed whatever it was that he douched out to me but he did the same. I felt as if I was sacrificing my own happiness for his. I had nothing left for myself because I gave it all away when I feel in love with him and took the dark unsetlling road instead of the bright road with fulfilment. My solitude had been ripped right from up under me and I didn't put up a fight I watched as he took it. I guess you can say I took the pleasure and took it with the pain. I knew when we first became acquainted that he was a man of his own and the women trailed behind them and if you fell in love he tend to leave you behind. At this moment I wish he had done that to me because my sanity and my womanhood were stripped down to nothing.
A tear rolled down my cheeks as I stared blankly into space wondering what my life would be like if he had just fled. I was to frail and greedy to let him go when I had the chance before the baby before my heart fell. I had made my bed and it was a bitch laying in it.
After getting the kids settled in and giving baths I ironed Samuels clothes he had started the 4th grade and was adjusting very well. I had put him in a private school and he was in the gifted program for Science, technology and business. I didn't want him to lose his intellect being in a public school that didn't offer him any stimulation. I was proud of him and was glad he got the genes of the Trotters although I don't know Sam's IQ. I needed something to shred my thoughts of Abel anything to get him out of my mind.
I sat in the oversized master bedroom on the settee that I had bought since the bed looked like a spec in the middle of the room. Aioki helped me decorate it in a moraccan theme. The canopy bed was covered with plum and fushia curtains. Huge turquoise and ocean blue pillows with gold trimming. I had a full body mirror in the nook corner, a small rack for my many books by the window seat.
I sunk down into the jaccuzi that accented the middle of the bathroom floor the smell of lavender and mint gave me some relaxation. The sound of his voice softly escaping the newly installed Beats pill speakers made my heart race. All thoughts came flooding back as his words stung me. Why could'nt I've been there to love him before they all loved him? They only wanted him for his potential while I gave him the potential to feel real love. He had been different too different and whatever he was before I'm not sure if he really changed all that much.
The door creeked open behind me and I sat up hoping it was him. I had been plagued by his absence that him being here would lay them to rest.
Her hands gently touched my shoulders as she massaged them my body went limp under her submission. She continued while I marveled at her hands they moved around with such elegance that I yearned to be touched without being felt because when they felt me they wouldn't let me go. Her lips lightly brushed against my neck line as her breath tickled the nap of my neck. A moan escaped my mouth.
"Aioki,..Aioki we...we can't." I said through moans.
I wasn't into women and I was married but she made my blood rush.
"Why?" she whispered.
"Be..because I'm ma..mmma married." I stuttered and shuttered at the sensation my body once again betrayed me.
"Don't be afraid Abigail." she chimed taking the top of my ear in the clutches of her teeth.
"Aioki this is wrong, I promised. I can't do this." I shrieked moving out of her grasp.
I turned to look at the sour hurt expression on her face as she stood her body bare and her emotions raw. In that moment I felt in a way sorry for her because I'm not sure if I led her on or if I had given the wrong impression.
"I'm sorry Aioki, its just you work for me and I don't look at you in that way. I wish I could but I can't I don't want to hurt another person for falling for me. Your too good for me Aioki and I don't want to take your virtue away. I've done that to someone already." I eyed her hoping she'd understand.
Her eyes shifted back and forth as she tried to fight back her sentiment. I could tell she was really hurt by my reaction but I wouldn't ever want to ruin her not like I had been ruined.
"I thought that day on the couch you felt the same way I did. But you act as if your dead inside." she said her voice cracking.
"I'm not a fool I'm just lifeless to love anyone the right way. I can't began to explain to you what it is you won't understand. In many ways I've succumed to what I've become and although he doesn't see it I can't hurt him anymore or you." I reasoned.
"What has he done to you Abigail?" she questioned her cheeks wet from the tears that fell.
Her words seem to swam around in my head as I tried to put the words together in a way she could comprehend.
"I love him and he's only been who he knows how to be." I said simply.
She nodded her head and pinched the tip of her nose as she sniffed through the tears. Her heart was breaking in front of me. I slowly got of the tub and pulled her into my wet body.
We both stood naked as I held onto her while she unleashed her sorrows onto my burdened shoulders. I needed to carry on some elses pain because I knew what she felt and whatever I did to make her like this I would carry them with no hesitation.
"I'm sorry Aioki. I hope you can forgive me." I said as I looked into her swollen red eyes.
She nodded her head. "Its not your fault Abby." she said wiping her face.
I watched as she gave me a forced smile and walked out the bathroom. I got back in and washed up hoping she was okay.
I untied my robe and let my wet hair hang as I stood looking at myself in the mirror. My eyes were a dark shade of green they had a glossy look like there was no life behind them. The woman in the mirror was me and I had to except her and let all shit I was feeling go and move on and at this moment I took over what was left of me.
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I listened as the crowd sung along with me. I felt everything they was feeling and I felt it every night. They didn't know I was hurting when I wrote most of these songs. They came from a dark dank place somewhere that hate resided. I was my own prisoner and I hated it but I lived it day after day. My emotions were in my voice as I slowed the band down and sung acapella.
'CAUSE I KNOW EVERYTHING
I KNOW EVERYTHING
I KNOW EVERYTHING
I KNOW EVERYTHING
I wanted them to feel me tonight.
After my show I went back to my room I wasn't in the parting mood. Valerie said she would be by later but I wasn't feeling her not since I talked to Destiny and since I found out about Abigail. I still couldn't believe she was sick and didn't tell me. But at the same time I knew why she didn't say anything.
I stripped out of my clothes as I walked to the bathroom to shower. The steam filled the room as I just stood underneath letting the water roll over my body. I thought about Abigail and I thought about Destiny. I don't know why I thought about her like I did but I guessed I missed her being around. I didn't want to sleep with her it was more of me needing a friend someone to talk to. I only wanted Abigail no other woman they did nothing for me anymore. Shit I'm sure they didn't do anything for me before but I was to fucked up to notice.
Once out the shower I went into my room with the towel around my waist. I laid back on the bed and closed my eyes as the light from the moon shined in.
The thoughts of Abigail touching me made him jump. I felt him getting harder and harder under the towel. I felt the bed rock a bit and before I could sit up she was sitting on me. I could see her face as she eyed me seductively. Her hands roamed my chest as she ran her hands down to the towel. In one swipe the towel laid underneath me.
She slid me inside of her and I groaned at the warmth of her insides. She bounced and rolled her hips as she took me down under.
My hands reached up to her hips and I pumped more inside of her. They went further and I felt the bump on her belly. I hurried and grabbed her hips making her stop.
"ABIGAIL! " I shouted.
She got up. I reached for the bed side lamp.
"I'm not Abigail." A familiar voice said taking me by surprise.
I looked to see Crystal standing with tears welled in her eyes.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked harsher than I anticipated. But I was in shock.
"Valerie invited me since this is your last show." She murmured.
I wrapped the towel around my waist and looked at her with this red lace bra negligee on. My eyes went further down to her belly.
I pointed to her stomach."What's that?" I questioned feeling physically sick.
Her head dropped as she moved back."It's yours Abel." She cried in a whisper.
My eyes almost popped out of my head but the contents in my stomach were looking for a way out. I rushed to the bathroom and puked up my guts it felt like. The burning in my throat was harsh.
"Are you alright?" She asked rubbing my back.
I put up a finger.
She grabbed a rag from the towel cabinet and wet it with cold water.
Finally after dry heaving for what seemed like forever we went back into the room. I stared at her still trying to process her words.
"When did this happen?" I asked.
"The last time we were together." She said.
I tried to think about the last time we were together I was pretty fucked up. But the memory came back vaguely. I only remember her sucking me off.
"The last time we were together yoy only sucked my dick. So how'd you get pregnant. And I done let plenty of girls swallow so I know it can't be from that." I eyed her as my blood boiled waiting on her to tell me some bullshit.
She cleared her throat. " I'm sorry Abel." She cried.
I looked at her my eye brows furrowed. "What did you do?" I asked angrily.
She jumped at my tone of voice but I didn't care I wanted that Bitch to be in real fear.
"I....I didn't want to lose you Abel." She cried.
"That's not telling me shit. I'm married I told you that. Why the fuck you trapping me?" I asked angrily. I knew that's what she did.
"You think that you can just play with people's feelings and move on with your life as if nothing matters." She shouted bitterly.
"I not the type and you knew that from day one. So why the fuck would you do some shit like that?" I yelled pulling up my pants.
I rushed over to her pushing her into the wall.
"Are you trying to ruin me? Huh! You trying to get hurt? I'm not leaving my wife." I spat.
"Fuck you Abel you and your wife. I hate you, you sick son of a bitch. I hope she leaves your ass." She cried.
I let go of her." Get the fuck out my room." I said calmly.
"Is would've never tried to change you. I always took you AS YOU ARE. I hope she's very understanding." She whispered.
I watched as she picked up her things and cried as she walked out the door.
I felt defeated all my bullshit had caught up to me. I knew this would break Abigail. I was being to reckless for my own damn good it could've been alot worse.
"FUCK!" I yelled.
I needed to tell her and figure out what I was going to do about this. I wanted to ask her to get an abortion but I don't believe in that shit I don't care how deceiving she was I couldn't ask her to do that. But in the same breath I didn't want to lose my wife over this shit.
I picked up the phone and called Destiny.
"Hello!" She said in a groggy tone.
"Are you asleep?" I asked knowing she was.
"No I'm up what's going on?" She questioned.
"I need to see you as soon as possible. I'll be back in Toronto tomorrow by noon can you come get me from the airport." I asked hoping she would say yes.
"Yeah my last class is at 11 so I'll head over there right after." She said.
"Thanks Des. Go back to bed I'll see you tomorrow." I said smiling.
"Goodnight." She said hanging up.
I threw my phone across the bed and sat down with my head in my hands. This shit was almost as hard as it was to know Abigail tried to commit suicide.
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I watched as the security pushed the screaming fans away and the driver grabbed my bags. I pulled my phone out my pocket to see a text from Destiny.
"I'm out front in a white Mercedes Benz GL-Class."
Once outside my security made sure I was in the car.
We drove off to her place I was guessing.
"So what's going on?" She asked.
I leaned my head on the head rest with my shades hiding my eyes. I had been up all night.
" Just life I guess catching up to my ass." I said honestly.
"How's the wife?" She asked.
"She's alright for now." I said.
"What happened Abel? You called me at after midnight so I know it's serious." She said looking over at me.
"Keep your eyes on the road." I joked with her.
"Alright I will." She laughed.
"Crystal is pregnant." I blurted out.
She swerved a little with her mouth gapped open.
"Dammit girl don't kill us. And close your damn mouth before you swallow an unwanted snack." I said.
"How? I mean when?" She asked in shock.
"You know how and she said the last time we were together. She didn't swallow she used the shit." I said as chills ran down my spine in digust.
"Are you fucking serious? That nasty bitch needs her ass whooped." She yelled.
I nodded my head.
"So what are you gonna do?" She asked.
"I don't know it really ain't shit I can do." I said shrugging my shoulders.
"The fuck it ain't take that Bitch to a clinic and get rid of it." She reasoned.
I shook my head." Nah I can't do no shit like that. It's not in me. Abigail was gone do some shit like that. I swear if she would've I wouldn't be right here talking to you." I said seriously.
If Abigail would've went through with that abortion I would've killed her ass.
"But what about Abigail. How are you gonna tell her?" She asked.
"I'm still trying to figure that part out. We've been through some shit and this right here, this would definitely end us. I can't live with out her, I won't, I refuse to go through life seeing another man love her. Fuck that shit!" I yelled pissed off.
"Your gonna have to tell her Abel and explain to her what happened. I'm sure she would understand." She said.
"Would you understand? " I asked.
She seemed to be thinking about it." No I wouldn't especially since the two if you were already married when the shit happened. Well technically your not married." She said.
"Man damn!" I shouted hitting the arm of the door.
"Abel it's alright. Does Valerie know?" She asked.
"I'm sure she does since she's the one that invited her ass to the show last night. She came to my room last night and I felt her stomach." I told her.
"Wow Valerie is still up to that shit? I can't understand why you still for her hanging around. She's clearly trying to sabotage your relationship." She said.
"You don't understand. Shid why you still fuck with her? " I snapped.
"I guess I love her." She said seriously.
I sat back in my seat understanding her hoping she knew that I felt the same way. But this shit right here if she was in on it I swear I'm a beat that Bitch wig back." I thought to myself.
"Abigail loves you Abel AS YOU ARE. And she always will." She rubbed my hand.
"I guess. But if she hated me I would clearly understand." I whispered.
This was gone be some hard shit to do.
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I got home after 6 I had spent some time with Des smoking and drinking. I even popped a few. I needed this shit to numb me while I broke this shit down to her. But I had a feeling it was going to ruin us.
" Hey!" Aioki said opening the door.
I nodded at her and stumbled my way into the house. They had already decorated and furnished the house. I was too faded to even really look at it.
"Do you need some help? Abby's upstairs." She asked.
"Nah I'm cool." My words slurred.
I made it up the stairs after falling a few times and hearing Aioki laughing at my ass.
Finally making it to the room I sat on the little couch thingy. My ass was fucked up I could barely keep my eyes open.
"Abel what the hell are you doing here? And why are you like this" Abigail asked sounding digusted.
"No...nothing...babbby." my words came out fucked up.
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I rolled my eye's at him as his words slurred. I wasn't even expecting him to be her but he could've definitely came home more presentable.
"C'mon. " I said trying to help him up to the bathroom.
He stumbled as we walked toward the bathroom.
"I'm...swey...im.sor...I'm sorry Abby." He slurred.
"About what Abel. I'm sure I'm used to seeing you like this." I said.
"I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't know she was gone get pregnant and trap me." He said I a drunken stupor.
Heating the words pregnant and trap. I dropped his ass to the floor.
"Damn baby..wh..why. ..you drop my ass." He asked he eyes closed.
My blood boiled as I was ready to take his fucking head off. I kneeled down and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. " What the fuck is wrong with you Abel? Huh. You wanna destroy me because that's all you've been doing. I'm so over this shit. PREGNANT! REALLY YOU SICK SON of a bitch!" I cried into his chest.
"I'm so sorry Abigail I never meant to hurt you ever. She trapped me baby please believe me." I cried with her. I could feel her pain.
"Where were you when I needed you? Its the same old song with you, your so busy out there looking for shit that you will never find. I've been too good to you for you to hurt me like this. I don't know what made me think you could ever do me right. I swear I love you. You probably went and fucked the world but I was here waiting for you to do me right." I cried and screamed.
"Baby please don't leave me." I begged as she cried into my chest.
My hand touched the left side of his chest and I put my hand over my own heart.
"It used to beat for you every second every minute of everyday. Yet you kept up with your games I told you I was playing for keeps. But I no longer need to keep putting myself through this shit with you. I'm done Abel I swear this time I'm done with you." I said calmly.
I stood up and left him in the middle of the floor fuming in his own self pity to reflect on what he just truely lost. He and I were over we were done.
"Abigail don't." he whined.
I just sat in my bed with my head against the headboard. "Bye Abel. " I whispered to myself.
"I told you the only way you leaving me is in a pine fucking box." He got up and stumbled over to me.
I hopped out the bed." Really then put me in it. You coward. You wanna play around with my heart and then threaten my life. Fuck you, you drug addicted fool. I hope you rot in hell you twisted prick." I spat.
Before I could run his hands were around my throat choking me. "Abigail I will kill you. DO YOU FUCKING HERE ME?" he yelled squeezing on throat.
I felt my life slipping away. I clawed at his hands and tried to pry them from around my neck." Stop." I squealed out.
"Nah you wanna leave me this the only way your leaving me. You think because I'm high you was just gone leave me that easy. You mines or you dead simple as that."
My eyes fluttered before they were shut completely.
I don't know how much later it was but I felt water being splashed in my face. I felt like I was drowning now. Like damn I done got choked out and drowned in the same night. I gasped for air as my eyes tried to focus on the water source. It was Abel standing over me with a towel wrapped around his waist and water still gliding down his body.
"You cool?" he asked.
I was baffled like this fool is really crazy he can go from being high to crazy to calm.
"Talk to me." he said taking the towel from around his waist.
I don't see how he could want me to focus on what I was thinking when he stood naked in front of me.
"Baby please." he said coming closer to me.
I scooted back afraid of what he might do next.
"I'm not going to hurt you." he held his hand out.
"Are you serious right now? You just tried to kill me twice." I eyed him evenly.
"Well maybe you shouldn't say shit that has the potential to end your fucking life. This bullshit talking about you leaving me you can get that shit out ya head. I tried to explain to you before you dropped my ass that she trapped me."
"You make it sound as if that shit is ok Abel. Like I'm supposed to just sit here and take this shit. I'm only 25 and I'm going through way more shit in a year than I went throughout my entire fucking life. But I'm done I can't do this with you and fear isn't going to keep me. Who's pregnantt anyway? Valerie." I said.
"Like I just said Abigail your only leaving in a box thats it so shut that shit up. And no it's not Valerie." He said nonchalantly.
"Then who?" I questioned.
He out the towel around his neck after putting his sweats on.
"Crystal." He shrugged.
I sat with my eyes searching the floor.
"I can't believe this bitch did that." he hit the wall.
I saw his defeat as his hands pushed through his hair.
"Abel I can't do this anymore seriously. This is never gonna stop." I said.
He just glared at me from the side his jaws clenched together.
I hurried and stood to my feet running and climbing onto the bed as he chased me.
"Abel stop please. Aioki...Aioki.." I screamed as he grabbed me by the ankles.
"What the fuck you calling her for she can't help you?" he yelled.
I kicked him in the chest making him lose his grip. I hurried and ran out the room and down the stairs.
"Aioki!" I screamed while running.
He darted skipping some of the steps as he chased me.
"Abel leave me alone." I cried."Just let me go please."
He didn't say anything he just kept coming towards me.
"Abel stop please don't do this." I slide with my back on against the kitchen counter.
That's one thing I hated we were out in the middle of nowhere and this house was planned awkwardly. His hand caught the strap of my night gown and he tore it off.
"Why are you so possessive?" i cried trying to catch my breath.
"You made me like this." he said calmly.
I could feel his breath on my chin as he breathed with his body weight trapping me against the counter.
"Dammit Abigail I love you so much that the only way I could let you go is by killing you." he kissed my lips.
"No please Abel this isn't right. I've done nothing to deserve any of this." I whined.
"And I don't deserve to live without you with me unless your dead then I know no other man will have you." he kissed me again.
"Thats what your worried about is me being with someone else. Trust me I can't ever be with another man." I said seriously.
"Man woman I don't give a damn if you not with me period. But I wanna feel you one last time." He licked my lips.
"Don't do this Abel I promise I'll stay." My chest tightened.
"Shhhh."
He lifted my legs pulling my panties to the side as he slide inside of me. I gasped as the intrusion made tore me. He saw it in my eyes and he slammed into me harder as tears fell I tried to close my eyes but he wouldn't allow it.
"Abel please I swear I love you. Just stop please." I cried.
"Uhhhh." He groaned at my desperation.
"I'm PREGNANT!" I yelled out.
He stopped in mid stride halting all movement. I felt him go limp as he looked at me in shock and uncertainty.
"We're going to have another baby. I was going to tell you but then this all happened. I can't go through this again while I'm pregnant again." I said sadly.
"Are you lying to me?" he questioned.
I looked at him like he had shit on his face." I don't play pregnancy games." I snarled.
"Abigail." He said sitting on leaning against the island.
I pulled my gown down and bit my bottome lip. We always ended up here and this was the last straw he needed serious help.
"You just tried to kill me." I said.
He shook his head." I wasn't going to kill you especially not with Aioki and the kids upstairs. I thought you'd change your mind about leaving." He said.
I eyed him angrily for even doing such a thing.
"You choked me out." I yelled.
"I swear it was by accident. I mean yeah I meant to choke you but not like that."He reassured.
I turned on my heels just ready to get away from him it was too much in one night and I couldn't believe this is how he had to find out that we were expecting another baby.
I went to the bathroom and his hand print was on my neck.
When I came out the bathroom he was laying down in the bed waiting for me to climb in. Instead I grabbed a throw blanket from the window seat and laid on the settee. I replayed the words of another woman having his baby over and over again in my head. In the darkness I could see him pulling the covers back.
He sat down next to the settee on the floor and leaned his head against it and rested his arm on my lap.
"You really wanna leave Abigail?" he asked.
"I mean no i don't but I can't deal with you having a kid with someone else or deal with another woman. I'm not about to argue with her or watch hop from her bed to ours because you feel you can. There has to be some other way or I'm gone Abel I'm gone." I said sternly.
He just looked at the floor.
"I know what I may be asking and it is very mean of me but look at it through my eyes. Its fucked up." I said.
At this moment I couldn't really tell him the truth about this baby situation. I wasn't sure if we needed a baby right now. Plus I had to see my doctor and Aubrey because deep down I wasn't sure if Abel was the father. Although I know Aubrey and I used a condom the last time I still needed to be sure.
"I hear what you saying and I fucked up big time but I can't aske her to get an abortion its just against what I believe in. If your going to leave then I can't really stop you Abigail but I refuse to live without you." He said.
Okay so I'm a little confused. He just said he can't stop me from leaving but he refuse to live without me. I swear this man is a walking contradiction.
"So I guess I'll be leaving then because I'm not competing with that." I said seriously.
His head perked up a bit as his dark eyes glared at me intensely. "You won't have to because I'm going to seek full custody for the baby when she has him/her." He said.
"No Abel I'm not taking care of your love child. I refuse to live like my parents and raise another womans baby." I argued.
"Your right. We won't be living like your parents because this is the only one that isn't ours. Just be here for me Abigail. Please. You don't have to answer me right now. You can think about it, everything that I said." he kissed me and reached for my hand.
I looked at his hand for a moment before grabbing hold of it. We walked to the bed and climbed in he snuggled behind me while I cried myself to sleep silently. I no longer was the only woman who carried or bore his children and that part hurted because nothing was special not even being his wife. There was no value and he didn't know that it was killing me. It was always me for you, and he was never for me. It wasn't ever going to change. I either had to leave or accept it love you AS YOU ARE!
P.S TO MY READERS
ALWAYS USE PROTECTION THERE IS SO MANY THINGS OUT THERE TO PREVENT PREGNANCY AND THE SPREAD OF STDS. WE NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT WE ARE PROTECTING OURSELVES AND OUR PARTNERS BECAUSE A BABY IS JUST A MINOR THING AGAINST SOMETHING LIKE HIV/AIDS. TAKE PRECAUTION AND LEARN THAT IT ONLY TAKES ONE TIME TO GET PREGNANT OR GET A STD SO BE SAFE AND STAY NEGATIVE GET TESTED ANUALLY LIKE YOUR SUPPOSED TO. LOVE YOU GUYS I HOPED YOU ENJOYED THIS CHAPTER.