Time was a complex factor in our case. Lilly and I depended on time. Always.
Every moment leading up to where we are right now, all came down to time. Worrying whether or not moments that we wanted to remember went by fast or slow. The idea of how long Lilly had constantly hanging over our heads. Watching each month fly by so fast, compared to the excruciatingly slow pace of time when I had to wait for Lilly after a test was being done. Every single little thing revolved around time.
After almost five months, I'm now married to her.
It's surreal. But it feels so perfect.
The days seemed to go by slower once we were married. It was as if time decided to be kind to Lilly and I. After months of going by too fast, it finally slowed down so that we could take it all in and say and do everything we need to do before Lilly's time is up.
There was still so much that needed to be said and done.
Lilly's pain hadn't increased since that friday before the wedding. From a one to a ten on the pain scale, she was a solid seven. That included the heavy medication running through her veins.
But, depending on the time of day, her pain would worsen. It was always the worst at night. Most nights, she wouldn't be able to sleep, because of the pain.
See? Everything revolves around time.
I clearly wasn't able to feel what she was feeling, but it was as if I could sometimes. I would cringe when would, as if the same muscle in my body were as sore as hers. And the expression on her face made me feel the pain too. The weak and tired look told me how physically drained she was from the pain alone.
The worse she got, the slimmer time was for her. I knew that and so did she.
That following week, Lilly had started planning her final arrangements. If anyone has lost a loved one in their life, you know how this goes. Basically, Lilly decides how her last days on this earth are going to play out. She decides if she wants life support, or if she does or doesn't want to be revived, she decides the funeral arrangements, she decides who gets her belongings. She decides everything.
Lilly advised me to not get involved in the final arrangements. She told me that she knew what she wanted and she didn't want me being apart of anything that has to do with her death. Only her life.
As frustrating it was, trying to bite my tongue, I let her make her own decisions. She's my wife, but she's also her own person. And she has her own mind. I allowed her to use that to do exactly what she wanted. Not once did I insert my opinions on her choices. And she chose them all on her own.
Closed casket. Buried in the local cemetery, not cremated. All of her items and belongings go to me, being her husband. And she signed a 'do not revive' contract. Which means, once she flatlined, the hospital isn't authorized the revive her or put her on life support. In her words, she didn't want to be "in between death and life", she wants one or the other. Those were her choices. As much as I disagreed with the decision to not revive her, how could I argue over her final wishes? A part of me understood what she meant by not wanting to be comatose and basically dead-alive. But I hated the idea that any moment, she could just drop dead, and no one can do anything.
I hate the idea of watching her suffer, in front of my eyes, and not being able to tell the doctors to save her. That moment was definitely going to be one of the toughest moments of my life. I knew it was.
I hoped that I could be strong for her. But no matter what happens, after that horrible moment. When she's gone. I have to remember our love isn't dead. I promised her. I have the ring on my finger to prove it. The same promise that she had on her finger, that she'll be buried with.
As she figured out her final arrangements, I took it upon myself to start facing the one thing that I had been hiding from, my future after Lilly is gone. I started reading my script for the movie finally.
It wasn't as hard to read anymore. Now that I knew that Lilly was mine for eternity, it made the words of the script, seem like they didn't apply to my life. And every time I read the part when the man begs the woman not to leave him, I didn't think of Lilly like I did before. Because like Susan and Tim said, the ending isn't where I read last. The difference between me and the man in the script is, I know how the story goes for Lilly and I.
I knew where I was in my story. He doesn't. He thinks his story ends when the woman in his life leaves him. He can't see past the thought of losing her, so he just stops. He stops in his tracts of sadness and despair, and he thinks that's the last page of his story. He thinks, the end.
I used to be exactly like him, the man in the story. I used to imagine my life ending when Lilly's did. Like, once she's gone, that's it. I was blinded from the fact that, whether I like it or not, my life continues after her death. I was unaware of the idea that Lilly and I will never have to see a day without one another. I thought the end too.
I now knew that I was somewhere in the middle of a story that has so many pages left to it. So I wasn't as afraid of my future.
I wished I could crawl into my script, and tell the man everything I knew. I wished that I could tell him how his story really ends. How the woman that leaves him, comes back to him. Of how they get married and of how they love each other forever. I wished I could tell it all to him.
But I guess I have to let him go through his story on his own. And I guess that's what everyone has to do. Everyone has to face their nightmares, to get to their dreams.
I still cried when I had to, while reading the script. Although, instead of real tears, they were the ones I learned to make in drama class.
When she wasn't planning her final arrangements, Lilly would run lines with me . She told me how good I was and rambled on about how famous I was going to be. Like she knew my future before anyone did. She was so sure about it.
I told myself that I would do everything I could to be everything she imagined I would be. I would give it my all, to become this superstar, and i'd do it all for her. I made myself a promise that I would do it all for Lilly Reynolds.
Scratch that. I would do it all for Lilly Reynolds-Hiddleston.
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"Let's get back to the lines!" She gave me one last kiss before getting serious. "We keep getting distracted!" She laughed, giving me a gentle nudge as I lay beside her on her hospital bed. And the other hand grasped her keychain box I had given her.
"That's your fault!" I joked. "If you would keep your hands off of me maybe I could concentrate."
"Me?!" Lilly exclaimed. "Everytime I recite a line, you're all over me!" She gave a valid point. I was pretty touchy feely.
"Maybe if you would stop being so attractive, I wouldn't stick to you like a magnet." I tilted my head. "So let's consider it, both of our faults."
"Oh" She said in a mocking tone. "What a good pickup line. Do you use that a lot on terminally ill women?"
"Shut up." I laughed "You're the only terminally ill woman I use any pickup line on."
"I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing." She smirked.
I bit my bottom lip to stop myself from laughing anymore. And I observed her smile. Mostly because I was thinking of kissing her again.
"Back to the script Mr. Hiddleston." She ordered, giving me a playful smile.
I snatched the script from her hands. "Let's take a little break." I pleaded like a little kid. "Like five minutes!"
"You're unbelievable." She shook her head. "I have no idea how you're so good at acting and you barely even practice."
"I can practice later." I whispered to her, then I set the script down on the table by the roses Mrs. Patterson had given to Lilly. My eyes catching their bold red color and sticking to them for a moment.
For a moment I could almost envision being on the rooftop of the flower shop. And I smile at them.
"They're beautiful aren't they?" Lilly had noticed my eyes on them. I nodded.
"They are." I looked back to her. "Just like you."
She blushed, her cheeks a few shades lighter than the roses exact color. "I don't know about that." Her eyes narrowed.
"I do." I stated. Then I turned my attention back onto the roses. "They're beautiful you, and wild like you, and they have became my favorite thing in this world, just like you." I squeezed her hand and glanced back over to her, nestled in the crook of my arm. I smiled. "You have more similarities with roses than you probably think."
"Oh yeah?" She grinned. "Tell me more." She said as if she didn't believe I could think of more similarities.
"Gladly." I raised my chin. I took a rose from the vase, twirling it in between my fingers.
On the stem of the rose were tiny thorns. "See these?" I pointed to the thorns and she nodded.
"You get these too, when you get mad at me for turning off the radio when your favorite song comes on." I smirked.
She laughed, shaking her head. "I won't disagree with that."
I plucked a petal from the rose. "A part of you, is delicate, like a rose petal. But you're strong as well, like the stem of the rose."
She listened intently.
"Just like you..." I slipped the rose back into the water and looked back to Lilly. "I know a rose needs to be handled with care."
I brushed her brown locks away from her forehead. "And I know i'll still love roses, even when their beauty fades."
"Even when the roses are dying." She added.
"Even when they're are dying." I confirmed. "I always find something that makes me love them more."
I leaned in to kiss her when there was a knock at the door. I instantly sighed. Just our luck. "We're busy, Jen come back later!" I shouted. And Lilly laughed quietly, hanging onto me as we froze, waiting for a response.
"It's not Jen." I heard a hazily familiar voice. Yet it sounded muffled through the door. I looked back to Lilly, who swallowed hard, her grasp of me loosened as she stared at the door in confusion before looking back to me.
I took that as a sign that she wanted to welcome the person in, and I stood up from her bed.
She nodded to me as if giving me thanks for reading her mind. "Come in." She said in a sweet, welcoming voice, with a hint of uncertainty and even a little bit of fear.
The door opened slowly. Although I wasn't looking at who exactly was there. I was focused mainly on Lilly's face. And how it seemed so stiff, until the door opened and her expression softened with blatant shock. I could have predicted that a ghost had walked through that door if I didn't already know who it was.
When her jaw and mouth finally seemed to function, after just hanging, she obtained control enough of her muscles to utter one word. "Mom?"
A/N I really REALLY want to apologize for how inactive I've been lately. I haven't commented back to any of your comments and I'm updating so late but I promise I see every comment and they all make me smile, even in this really tough time I'm facing right now.
I'm facing a lot of family issues right now and I'm trying to power through. You guys are the only reason I can even write right now. You're the only motivation I have. Please send your prayers to me. I need everything I could get. I love you all so much. And I'll update asap I promise. Again I'm so sorry for my inactivity. Thank you for being so patient and kind. X.Ashley