A/N
So... About last chapter...
I'M SORRY! IT HURTS ME TOO YOU KNOW BUT PLOT Dx
But like I said, that was not the last chapter, nor is this one. However, there will only be either one or two chapters left of this story until it's finished and then SEQUEL!! But I'll give you more info on that in the epilogue...
Anyhoo, I'll let you fix your hearts now...
Enjoy the chapter ^^
Peace out, my lovely peeps!XxX
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KANEKI'S P.O.V
Why does it always rain? Whenever something like this happens, why is it that the sky feels the need to weep alongside you? Maybe that's just it. Maybe the heavens feel sorrow for the loss almost as much as you and wish to let their despair known. Gripping my hands into fists, I tolerate the words that fall from Yukio's lips, going on and on about how having Rin in his life affected it and how much he'll be missed, despite having turned him away not hours before he... No. I refuse to use that word. I'll never say it again. I can't.
Once he's finished, he steps down from the podium, trying to avoid my eyes as I glare at him with hands balled into fists, using everything I have to not lunge at him and blame him for what happened to Rin. Instead, I swallow my breaths, though they tremble viciously, something that Touka notices, her eyes falling upon me with a concerned glance. Nudging my knuckles with her fingertips, she slips her palm into mine, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze whilst I fight off the tears, as well as nerves. They want me to talk. They want me to say something. But I don't have any words to say. I don't want to speak. Ever since it happened, I've refused to talk.
"Kaneki, you can't not say something. It'll be alright," Touka murmurs softly, my eyes flickering down to meet hers for a brief second before I turn them away again, gulping down the lump in my throat whilst salty water races to the corners of my eyes, quickly slithering over my face in silver trails. Nodding once, knowing that she's right, I hesitantly drop her hand from mine, gradually taking a few steps towards the podium before I hesitate, casting a look back to Touka. After she mouths 'it'll be alright' again, I break eye-contact and take my rightful place beside where they've placed his body, my brain unable to process the words linked to the passing of a life. I still can't accept it, even though he lies there, completely motionless with no life to his skin. No smile to his face. No emotion to his features. Just... Nothing.
Staring out at the sympathetic sea of black clothing, I gasp in a deep breath, my eyes constantly flickering between them and Rin, my bottom lip already trembling weakly whilst tears slip over my cheeks. I have to do this, even if I can't. I won't let him leave without me saying goodbye properly, even if I'll never accept that he's gone.
"When I first met Rin, he was broken. Just like me, he was terrified of everything that was happening to him. He needed someone to help him, so I tried. Holy hell I tried. But, in doing so, he helped me too. He saved me from the monster in my head. He saved me from never feeling anything but numb. He made me human. Gave me life again. And this is how I repaid him. If it weren't for me... He... He'd still be alive!" I sob, suddenly feeling my knees buckle from under me as I collapse to the floor, Touka instantly darting over to me so that she can cradle me under her arm, my pained wails tearing through the silence whilst everyone watches, nobody sure how to react as I allow my despair to consume me. "I-I'm sorry, Rin! I-I'm so sorry!" I cry, Touka softly hushing me, though her gentle words take no effect.
It's all my fault. It's all my fault. It's all my fault!
With a sharp gasp, I jump out of slumber, tears still clinging to my cheeks as I loudly groan, a sob hitching in my throat as I do. I swear, for the past week or so, all I've had is that same fucking nightmare over and over again. And it's driving me absolutely crazy! It's as if my mind loves to taunt me into thinking that it's real, displaying such vivid images and scenarios that I wake up fearing that it's an actual memory.
Sighing, I rub my face with my palms before I gently rest my fingertips against the back of Rin's hand, soon curling them around it so that I can clasp it tightly, pressing a kiss against the skin with a shaky breath. Last week, when the fight between Shoki and Rin broke out, I was so certain that I'd lost him. That he'd died and it was all my fault that he'd never draw breath again. Until I heard his heartbeat, throbbing against my ear like the pounding of a drum.
After that, I did the only thing I cold think of, being to rush him back to Anteiku as quickly as possible, where they got him breathing again and tried everything they could to get him to wake up. We waited minutes. Hours. Days. Eventually, Yoshimura confirmed that he'd slipped into a coma and there was no telling when he'd open his eyes again.
Whimpering a little, I hold his wrist against my ear, his pulse still strongly thudding through it, allowing me to breathe a small sigh of relief, though that still doesn't cast away the utter despair that's possessed me ever since all of this happened. Because, despite what Touka says, this was my fault. If I hadn't have freaked out, Rin wouldn't have ran away and none of this would've happened in the first place. He'd still be awake. He'd probably be teasing me about how, when we got to Tokyo that night, that one guy at the train station asked me where I got my nails done and I had to awkwardly tell them that it was some kind of made up medical condition, though it was so cringey, Rin practically couldn't stop giggling.
But he's not doing any of those things. He's stuck here, in this bed, unresponsive in every single way, though I'm unsure of whether or not he can hear what we're saying; sometimes comas work in such ways and, others, it's just as though the person's asleep. With Rin, none of us have a clue, though we're leaning towards the fact that he can't hear us since, when he was in a coma after his first encounter with Shoki, he awoke thinking that he'd only been knocked out for a few hours. But it's not as if we'll know until he wakes up. If he does.
I know I shouldn't, for the benefit of myself, as well as everyone else, think about the unhappy ending to all of this, but I just can't help it. Becoming a ghoul turned me into a pessimist, which sucks in situations like these where it's literally a matter of life and death. I mean, Rin could wake up any second now, perfectly fine and back to his old self. But he could also stop breathing at any given moment and that would be it. Then again, I guess that's true for life in general really. Even still, I can't help but worry 24/7, which is why I've been unable to get sleep for the past week. Whenever I do, I'm awoken by nightmares.
But that's not all I'm lacking the ways of health; eating's been another issue too. I guess I decided that, if Rin has to suffer in this state, then I don't deserve to feed myself. I don't deserve to be healthy after what I did to him. If anything, I should be suffering far more than he is, so I refuse to eat, no matter how many times Touka tries to shove flesh at me, demanding that I at least take one mouthful. That argument is quickly won when you have a size-altering demon-cat on your side to back you up.
"I'm telling you, Kaneki's not gonna let you in there!" I hear Touka urgently hiss from down the hallway, my body flinching a little as I gradually uncurl my kagune from the base of my back, Kuro twitching a little in his sleep as he bundles himself up next to Rin, as if he can feel the tension that instantly fills me. That's another thing: the list of people allowed in this room is a very short one indeed. Anyone I don't trust isn't allowed anywhere near Rin without getting a kagune to the face. And I'm being literal about that.
"I don't care! I have to see my brother!" A voice retorts, my hands instantly tightening into fists as I mechanically get to my feet just in time for Yukio to come crashing into the room, his gaze falling upon his unconscious brother before he clasps a hand to his mouth, tears quickly beading in the corners of his eyes. "Rin," he gasps under his breath, hatred burning through me like a frenzy that I really don't regret not being able to control. If it weren't for him, Rin wouldn't have had to flee from True Cross. If it weren't for him, Rin wouldn't have gone through pain.
"Get out. You don't have the right to be here," I spit, my kagune writhing behind me to form a barrier between Rin and everyone else, Yukio's eyes suddenly developing a vicious look as he narrows them into a deadly glare that would intimidate anyone else. But not me. Even when he takes a step towards me, looking as if he's ready to punch me square in the face, I don't flinch, though my kagune twitches a little, like it's eager to defend me instead.
"I don't have the right to see my own brother?" Yukio spits, my fists trembling at my side as I grit my teeth, doing everything I can to control my breathing whilst holding back my anger, trying to get a handle on it so that I don't allow it to do something stupid. As much as I wanna kill Yukio right here and now, I know that Rin would probably kill me when he wakes up.
"Oh so he's your brother now? Because last week, you were calling him a monster!" I yell, Kuro suddenly jumping awake from the harshness of my tone, the small feline hopping down from the bed before staring up at Yukio with lazy eyes, which widen when he notices who's decided to show his face. Glaring at me, Yukio takes another step in my direction, a small lump catching in my throat when I realize his superior height, though I hold my ground nonetheless.
"Well according to Shiemi, I'm not the only one," Yukio hisses, pain suddenly lurching through my chest as he brings up the vile words that I used against Rin, my tough facade cracking the second the memory splinters through me. And, though I want to act as if what he's just said doesn't bother me, I can't; I know he's right to blame me. I hate it, but he's right. I called Rin a demon. My words were the ones that pressured him to flee.
"I know, alright?! I know what I did and I haven't stopped hating myself ever since!" I exclaim, my kagune lowering itself a little as sorrow begins to prickle through me, tugging my emotions through the floor until I can barely keep my hands scrunched into fists, my fingers relaxing as a soft hiccup catches in my throat.
"Me too," Yukio admits in the smallest voice I've ever heard him use, my eyes quickly snapping up from the place they've fixed with on the ground, a slight look of shock racing through my features as I connect my gaze with his guilty one. He... He regrets what he said? Tracking my eyes over to Rin, my kagune finally relaxes completely, crawling back into my tailbone as I sigh, pushing my hair out of my eyes.
"We both screwed up, didn't we?" I mutter, looking up to find Yukio nodding in agreement, though he soon arches his eyebrow in questioning, waiting for my permission to get closer to Rin. And, though I really don't want him to, I can't hold this against him forever. Like I said: we both screwed up. It's our fault and we know it, so the least we can do is wait by Rin's side until he wakes up and we can finally drown him in our apologies.
Nodding once, I turn back around to face Rin, slumping down in the chair I've positioned by the bed whilst Yukio places himself onto the mattress, staring down at his brother with tear-filled eyes, his bottom lip trembling as he sucks in a shaky breath. I know that look; it's the look of someone who can't stop blaming himself for what he's looking at. Because it's the only way I've looked ever since Rin fell into a coma.
"We'll wait for you, Rin," Yukio murmurs, clasping his brother's hand in his own as he silently cries, my heart twisting when I can't help but see my exact actions in Yukio, my own eyes tearing up as I place a small kiss on Rin's cheek, proceeding to brush a piece of hair away from his face.
"And we'll be right here when you wake up. I promise," I mutter, Yukio's lips plucking into a crooked smirk as he nods in agreement, though I soon find that his eyes are tracking over my body, a frown of confusion flickering onto my face when I catch him doing so. "Something wrong?" I ask him, his eyes quickly flying up, as if he didn't expect me to notice him staring like he was. Breaking his gaze away, he fiddles with the fabric of his clothes before looking in my direction again, concern etched into his irises.
"No. It's just... You've gotten thinner, Kaneki," he states, my eyes quickly breaking from his, as if it'll help me avoid the subject, though I doubt he's gonna drop it, this suspicion only being confirmed when he continues to talk. "You know it's crucial for you to eat. What do you think Rin's gonna say when he wakes up? If you're like this after just a week, I can't imagine how you'll be if Rin's in a coma for as long as he was last time." As Yukio explains, I try to tune myself out, though something hits me hard in the chest when he brings up the subject of how me doing this to myself will make Rin feel. I don't care about me, but what if he wakes up and the first thing he feels is guilt?
"I'm not leaving him," I state bluntly, giving Kuro a good scratch behind the ear when he jumps up onto the bed so that he can curl up next to Rin again, nuzzling himself against Rin's shoulder with a small, content purr. I guess you could call that an excuse, but I don't feel as if I deserve to eat. Because I honestly don't. Rin's like this because of me so it's my duty to constantly watch over him and monitor his every breath. I'm not just gonna ditch that to go and feed myself when I don't even feel as if I should be eating anything at all.
"Well I'll go and get you something then. I'll be back in a bit," Yukio murmurs before he rises to his feet, leaving the room before I can stop him. Softly smiling, I reclaim Rin's hand running my thumb over the back of it as I sigh a little.
"Me and your brother actually getting along? That's a new one." I mutter, knowing that, if he could, Rin would probably laugh at that or make some kind of sarcastic comment. But, even though he can't, I'm sure he'll have enough to say when he wakes up. And I can't wait to hear it all.