Lauren's POV
"Well, I heard you wanted to talk, yeah? Let's talk!"
Camila emboldened me to speak up by putting her hand on my knee as I sat cross-legged. We locked eyes and she nodded subtly, smiling. By this small gesture she gave me the courage to talk to my mother about my deepest secret.
"I don't mean to come off as offensive, Camila, but you'll be staying with us during this conversation? I thought this was something more serious." My mom's voice filled the silence again.
Before the girl could respond, and I knew she was startled and didn't know what to say, because her whole demeanor changed, I decided to answer to save her the inconvenience.
"Actually, Mom, I've already talked to Camila about it and she's the one who encouraged me to speak to you. It's something I've been hiding from you, I couldn't get myself to tell you all of this." I stopped for a second to see my mom's reaction. Her face said it all. "I'm not surprised you're surprised, to be honest."
"Of course I'm surprised, Lauren. You've had trust issues since I remember. I'm not saying it's wrong, I have nothing against it, and Camila, I apologize upfront, but you talked to a girl you've known one day about an issue that I have no idea of? It doesn't sound like something you would do, that's it."
"I know, and I'm sorry, Mom."
"You don't need to apologize. You know, I'm glad you made the decision of reaching out for help to someone, in this case Camila. What's important, is the fact that you're finally openly talking about your secrets to anyone, really." My mom shared with us. "And I know I had nothing to do with it, I've been nothing but a burden to you recently, and I'm the one who should apologize. You've done so much by yours-"
"No, Mom. Stop."
"Let me finish, honey. I owe you this much." She reasoned her need of confessing all this to me at a time like that one. "In one year, you were forced to face the loss that has occurred, deal with not only your own sadness and grief, but also everything that came with my lameness. You didn't have a life back then, because I was your life; your supposed mother that couldn't, and didn't want to take care of herself, was your life when it absolutely shouldn't be this way." She stopped to take a deep breath. "I feel like I don't say enough of this, but I'm proud of you, Lauren. For dealing with everything during the past year and for finding yourself again. After all this time and everything you've been through, you still have the strength to be yourself, gain the things you've lost in the process all over again, build new friendships and be the wonderful daughter you've always been. I'm so incredibly proud of you. I'll never be able to thank you sufficiently. "
I didn't have time to think of an answer, because Camila's attempt of British accent, which she failed by the way, filled the lingering silence in the room.
"Well, things have gotten officially awkward."
All three of us burst out laughing and when the laughter died down, I gestured at my mom to give me a hug. As we were enjoying the embrace I said, "I love you, Mom. And you're very welcome." I decided not to dwell on it, not right now at least, I'll have many occasions to talk to her about it when I'm out of hospital, and just state the obvious.
"I love you, too honey."
"Seriously, guys.. I do feel a bit awkward, it's like invading your privacy, 'cause you're getting all sappy and sentimental, and I'm just sitting here and watching it. Do you want me to leave?" I heard Camila speak up again as she stood up.
"No," both of us said in motion. We looked at each other and smiled.
"No, unless Lauren wants you to, but I already know your presence is important to her, so as long as she's okay with it, I don't mind you being here." Mom explained.
"Okay, thank you, Mrs. Jauregui." The girl smiled genuinely.
"Okay, now I feel awkward. Please, call me Clara. The surname thing is way too serious and I don't feel old enough for this."
I laughed wholeheartedly at what my mom had said, because I didn't get to hear her say things like that too often. She truly surprised me with this.
Mom gave me a pointed look and then winked at me, so I knew she wasn't being too serious.
"Alright, Clara. So Lauren, do you still want me to be here while you talk to your mom?" Camila asked, directing her words at me.
"Yes, please. If you still want to, of course."
"Sure!" the girl smiled slightly and walked up to my bed to sit on it, again. Mom took a sit in a chair for guests of the patients.
I let out a shaky breath as I was getting ready to spill the big secret to my mom. Camila put her hand on my knee once again and I looked into her eyes. They were filled with nothing but composure. She lightly nodded her head, encouraging me to do the inevitable, aka finally telling my mom about my issue.
"You two are really scaring me right now, so spill, child." My mom said jokingly. Camila smiled and I let out a nervous laugh.
"Here comes nothing..." I muttered to myself. The girl sitting on my right squeezed my leg approvingly, which caused me to start talking, finally. "I'm not sure where to start, really."
"Lauren," Camila leaned in and whispered in my ear. "Just try explaining your mom what occurred last night and then tell her it used to happen in the past, too. It's no biggie, but I'm right here if you need me, ok?"
I nodded and looked her in the eyes, peace was once again one of the things lingering in them, and I knew I was ready. "Ok, Camila." I stated surely.
"Ok then!" She sat up straight again and sent me one of those small smiles. I smiled back and found the courage to look at my mom, who was silently watching the two of us, patiently waiting for me to say something.
"Sooo," I dragged, giving myself a second to think of what I was going to say. "Last night, uh, it wasn't the first time it happened, the fainting I mean. I would faint occasionally, usually on my worse days. And when I say 'worse days', I mean the days when I'd think of him the most, too much even. I go through a drastic change on those days, I'm basically a different version of Lauren, one that I'm not very fond of."
I paused and looked at my mom, who was thoughtfully watching me, she nodded once, encouraging me to keep going. I know she was aware of the fact how difficult it was for me and I was thankful she wasn't being too hard on me.
"During those days I hardly get out of my room, because I'm no good to anyone around me then, I'm no good to myself either, but it's rather hard to get away from myself, right? Yeah, uhm, I considered hurting myself, obviously, I even might have done a few irrelevant things to myself," Camila gasped and then covered her mouth with her right hand, and with her left hand she caressed my leg again. "but I'd never gone this far. Until yesterday. I was in this kind of daze, all I could think of, was him. I remembered one of the best days I've had with him, and-"
I had to stop talking, the lump in my throat was too big to ignore it any longer and my bottom lip was trembling too much. I took three deep breaths as Camila was gently caressing my right arm up and down. I sent her a thankful smile and forced myself to continue.
"I don't even remember holding that knife, Mom. I have no idea how I got this cut," I said as I lifted my left hand to show her what I was referring to. "it's gotten to this point when I'm scared of myself, scared of what I'm capable of. What if that fucked up version of me decided to stab you? Are you even aware how that could end? I'm not, I'm fucking not!"
"Lauren, come on." I heard Camila say as she put both of her hands on my shoulders which forced me to look at her. "You're getting off track, we're here to just explain it, you'll discuss it further with a professional, alright? Focus on explaining the situation to your mom, leave the rest for the doctors."
I nodded a few times and the girl in front of me put her hands on both of my cheeks and wiped away the tears that had made their way down my skin. I didn't realize they were there until she did that. I smiled thankfully and took one deep breath. Camila straightened up and let me continue.
"I'm sorry for blowing up on you, Mom. And sorry for cursing, I didn't mean for it to get so heated."
"Don't worry, sweetie. Just tell me as much as you feel comfortable with telling me." She seemed startled, but she never voiced her worries and questions which i was thankful for.
"Okay, well," I started, taking one more breath to calm me nerves. "I'm not okay with hiding things from you anymore. And I want you to help me. I need help, and I see that clearly now. I was too stubborn to do it earlier, but after last night, I understand how serious things have gotten and I don't want them to get any further. So yeah, I'd appreciate if you helped me figure it out.." I said unconvincingly.
"Honey, of course I'll help you! Why would you even doubt it? Why didn't you tell me about it the first time it happened? The first time you fainted or didn't feel very well?"
"Because..ugh," I groaned, because I hated to tell her the truth, it'd crush her. "Mom, I didn't tell about any of this, because I knew you wouldn't be able to do anything to help, ok? It's not that I didn't want you to know, I just didn't want to get disappointed if I did, in fact, inform you about this. I also didn't want you to get any deeper with your problems, because I know it might have caused it. But now," I said as I gestured at her. "you're obviously getting better, and as yesterday proved to all of us, I'm still kind of stuck."
" I feel like such a horrible mother. God, I'm so sorry. But where's your father???" I heard mom yell at the top of her lungs. "Where is he now when his daughter is in a hospital? Where was he when our daughter was forced to put my health first? When our daughter thought her condition wasn't important enough to talk about it to any of us. We've done a terrible job at being parents. Maybe.." She stopped, wondering what to say next as her eyes started to fill up with tears. "Maybe God took him away from us, because he knew he'd be better off without parents like us. Maybe it's good he's gone, Lauren."
"Mom!" I got up abruptly which caused me to get dizzy from the sudden change of position. Feelings boiled inside of me after I'd heard what she said. "Don't you ever dare say this again! We all loved him dearly and we gave him an amazing life, alright?" I coughed up through sobs and tears. "We deserved to have him with us longer but the fact that he's gone, is none of your fault. It's no one's fault, you need to understand it."
Camila appeared behind me and put her arm around my waist, she must have noticed the way I was swaying because of the dizziness.
"Clara, I'm sure Lauren means what she's saying. I have no right to get involved in this and get between you two, but both of you need to stay calm."
I went back to bed after I'd heard Camila's words, she was right. I'm sure we could solve it without the unnecessary screams.
"Yes, you're right. I'm sorry, Lauren. That was so wrong of me to say it. And I let my anger out on your father again, that was wrong too."
"He is half guilty, though. Mom, don't justify him. Don't pretend like I don't know anything, please. I'm not a little girl anymore! If you hate him so much, get a freaking divorce."
"I know this conversation is long overdue, but your health comes first, okay? We'll talk about it when you're safe and sound, in our house. I'm sure Camila doesn't want to hear all this anyway, she's had enough of the Jauregui drama in 10 minutes."
All of us let out short laughs, as I wiped the tears off of my face. Camila squeezed my arm reassuringly and I smiled genuinely.
"We have a conversation scheduled in two hours with your doctor, we'll talk about your treatment then, alright? Everything will be okay, Lauren. Don't you worry. I'm back and I'm back for good. You have my support and full attention now." Mom said and got up. She walked up to my bed and opened her arms, signaling she wanted to hug it all out. I got up eagerly and put my arms around her. I sighed contently as mom was stroking my back. Things were looking up forreal, finally.
We broke our embrace and the second we did it, my tummy growled loud enough for everybody in the room to hear. I burst out laughing along with Camila, and mom smiled at both of us.
"I'm definitely aware of the level of disgustingness of the hospital food, so I'm willing to take you both to lunch. There's a nice café downstairs." Mom said, smiling.
"I'm still kind of nauseous, but we can try."
"Okay, one down, one to go. Camila?"
"I approve! I saw some delicious cakes down there, I'm looking forward to consuming them all."
My mom and I laughed wholeheartedly at the dorky side of Camila.
"Save some for me, missy." Mom joined in.
"I'll consider it.." the girl said thoughtfully.
"What if I tell you I'm paying?"
"Half of the cakes is yours." She stated immediately.
I burst out laughing again at their small banter. Who would have thought that they'd be getting along so well.
"Okay, children. Let's go before they eat all the cakes." I spoke up as I put my arms on their backs, leading them out of the room.
"That'd be a tragedy."
"Such a tragedy." The woman I call my mom continued.
I looked at them and smiled, just because. I didn't see a reason why I wouldn't smile, because things were getting better with each minute passing. It's funny how things can change in a matter of seconds. I'm not gonna complain, though. I have my two favorite girls beside me and we're about to eat lunch in a gross hospital café, why would I complain?
a/n bleh i cried while writing, or should i say, getting this out. i didn't think it'd be this hard.
it's shorter than last few chapters and sorry for that, but i felt like this chapter is long overdue, two weeks without updating is was too long, i'll try (key word: try) to update more often, pinky promise x
i didn't want to make lauren's dad look bad actually i wanted him to be the best father ever but somehow while writing it, i thought a bit more of drama won't hurt nobody, so yep, i got it out.
hope you guys like it. stay positive x
pola (i love getting feedback you know so if you're bored you can come talk to me here or on tumblr: ijustsawaunicorn)