"You're never going to shut up about her, are you?" Ray let out a sort of half-defeated sigh, looking at Frank with a half-hearted false kind of disgruntled look, because he could never really hate the guy, and quite honestly, it was all rather sweet, and he was just happy to see Frank happy about something, even if he never did seem to shut up about the aforementioned something.
The two boys found themselves sat on the roof of some guy's apartment block, which sounded obscure and unreasonable at first, but initially there'd be some sort of party involved - an invite from a friend of Ray's friend, and Frank had been free that night, and Ray thought fuck it, because his Netflix subscription had run out for this month, and he had approximately twenty cents in his bank account.
They could even hear the party from up here - it had been all too loud, full of rowdy assholes with too many drugs, well, it had been Ray that had complained about the excess of drugs, whereas Frank had just gone along with it, and taken the six pack of beer up to the roof with Ray, because he didn't need anything too illegal tonight, but more importantly, he just didn't want Ray to know.
It was already too much having Gee know, but Gee was biased to him, always seeing him in a good light due to their relationship, and how perfect she'd made Frank out to be in her head, whereas Ray was far less biased, and a much more down to Earth person, with a better sense of morals and common sense.
Fuck, Frank couldn't even imagine what Ray would say to him if he knew about, well fuck, even the personal connection he had with Freddie, his drug dealer, who he quite thankfully, hadn't spoken to in about a week now. Freddie wasn't a bad guy, bad things just seemed to follow in his shadow, and Frank didn't want to get caught up in a mess like that again, or at least he was trying this time.
Trying for Gee, mainly, because what one girl thought of him seemed to dictate his entire life and decisions, and dear god, he was such a fuckboy, but he'd never come to accept that, of course. He was probably the nicest fuckboy out there, though.
But there was no denying that Frank longed for more than the cigarette in his hand, the six pack of beer between them, the midnight air, Ray's pointless conversation, and the sounds of one fucking overdone party downstairs.
Frank didn't quite know what he wanted, he doubted he ever would, but at the back of his mind, hidden, but stepping out into the limelight only as Frank pondered upon it, there was this odd notion that whatever he wanted, Freddie could give him. And perhaps that was just the addictive side of Frank's head talking, fuck, Frank hoped it was, because as much as Freddie wasn't a bad guy, he still wasn't the kind of guy Frank wanted to be spending an abundance of time with.
Ray was probably his best bet for company besides Gee, and her parents were in all weekend, and they really would not like the idea of him at all, so he knew for really everyone's sake, he should just keep their conversations to text messages for a few days. Not that he didn't doubt that one day Mrs Way would go crazy enough to read through everything on Gee's cellphone, he was only so fucking glad he didn't have his girlfriend's parents at all.
Ray's parents were probably the best parents in the world, and they were definitely largely something to do with Ray turning out to be the amazingly decent human being he was. Frank did kind of wish he had two mums like Ray, or even two dads, or just queer parents at all, because they were most definitely so much more understanding than any other parents he'd met.
Ray's mums: Hailey and Rachel, had only been welcoming to Frank from the very moment he'd met them, acknowledging and respecting his gender, and Jesus Christ, they were just great parents in general, because Frank did not know anyone else in this world that would let their kid and his friend sleep over after coming in at something like three in the morning, vaguely drunk from a really dodgy party.
They just didn't like drugs that was all, and Ray had spoken for Frank as well as himself, saying they were good kids who wouldn't dare do that, and that was truly what Ray thought as he took another sip of his beer; his lips moving but not a single word making sense in Frank's brain.
He felt like he was living a double life: there was the person he felt he had to be for everyone, and then there was the strong side of him that succumbed to addiction, yearned for some fucking coke, and even wished he was spending this night with Freddie as opposed to Ray. Frank hated that side of him, but it was as much a part, well really, it was a bigger part of him than the side he wanted to be.
"Earth to Frank?" Ray's voice grew louder, clicking his fingers in front of Frank's face, and soon grabbing the younger boy's attention with his actions. "God, were you even listening to a fucking word I've been saying?"
"I'm just..." Frank let out a sigh, fighting the urge to shake his head, "I'm thinking."
"What about?" Ray asked, concern becoming evident in his voice, in that fucking Ray Toro manner, because Ray would always care, even when you didn't want him to, and that was either the best or the worst quality in the world; Frank just hadn't figured it out yet.
"Myself, not in a narcissistic way, I just... I have this secret and I hate it - it's like a burden, but I can't tell anyone, and I can't fix it on my own, and Gee knows but I hate that she knows, because as much as she tries to deny it, she hates it too. It's the part of me that she hates, that I hate, that everyone will hate, and it's... I don't know what to do, Ray, I honestly don't."
"I can't really help if you don't tell me." Ray let out a sigh, meeting Frank's gaze, "I'm not gonna judge you, I promise you that, Frank."
"Fuck, I guess... I guess I'll just have to fix it myself-"
"Can't Gee help you?"
"She doesn't know the extent of it... she just knows the basics, and she thinks that's all of it. I can't bear to tell her, fuck, don't even suggest it."
"You can't keep it locked up inside you forever, Frank, or it's going to swallow you whole."
But Frank couldn't shake the notion that it already had.
-
It was one of those nights where the house didn't feel like home, and the four walls of Mikey's bedroom appeared as arms closing around him, constricting him, as if he was destined to die right there in his bed, with the covers pulled up over his head in a useless attempt to protect himself from the world and its horrors, because Mikey wasn't that little anymore.
He was outgrowing this all, despite how much he just wanted to stay little, to lie there forever, he wanted to be safe inside his own head, inside his own room forever, he wanted to keep lying to himself, he wanted to cling onto youth, to cling onto to sanity, to the monsters under his bed, and not the ones undercover out there in the real world, because the latter were far more dangerous and he was learning that the hard way.
He wanted this all to stop, he wanted the world around him to fade away into familiarity, he wanted to be okay, he wanted to make sense of nonsense, and even stay naive if it meant staying sane, because Mikey didn't reckon he was ready at all: hating every glimpse of what was to come of the real world.
Tonight had been a horrible night; a horrible meal with a horrible family, lies told by the dozen at the dinner table, only outdone by the number of times his parents said 'Gerard'. Gee was used to it by now - long used to everything to hate about the world, and she could make it through, she was okay, okay with herself, and she had Frank and Lindsey, and all of those other insanely cool goth girls that Mikey didn't quite know the name of.
She was used to it all.
Mikey just wasn't used to himself, and the way his head was working in the dark alone, under the covers, scared without cause - instinct, when you're on edge, but you can't pinpoint why, when the place just feels wrong, what tells you to run, but Mikey didn't reckon he could move from his bed at all.
It was different now; everything was different now.
He felt vulnerable, he felt scared, scared of himself and what would become of him, and it shouldn't feel like this, because everything was okay in the ways that it mattered, but it wasn't, because he was scared of the whole wide world out there and what they could possibly think.
What would happen should they know, what people would do, how things would change, how the world around him would morph into one of horrors as he lost the race to accept and come to terms with himself, because none of this was his fault, but it was all too fast, and he had no time, he wasn't like Gee, he didn't have experience, he didn't have responses in the back of his mind, he didn't have a safety net.
He had nothing, this was the freefall, the beginning, the moment he'd only come to realise his fall, and now everything was a desperate panic to make it out alive.
Because tonight was the first night. His mother had spoken her usual nonsense, she gone onto the topic of homosexuality, she'd gone on to speak of the 'faggots' and how disgusting they were, and Mikey didn't just know that she was wrong, Mikey knew in her words that he was wrong too.
Because tonight was the first night when Mrs Way had spoken directly to spite the youngest of her two children, because as important and wonderful as this thing with Pete was, it held like a burden weighing down on his heart, a secret locked away, and the look of hurt in his eyes as he came to realise that today she was talking about him too.
And she wouldn't change, she wouldn't care, neither would his father, because they hadn't with Gee, and Gee was okay with herself now - she'd had two years and more of this kind of hell, and she'd made herself the armour to withstand the heat, but Mikey lay there at night wishing he could undo this all.
Because there could only be more to come, and the world would never understand.
Mikey jolted up in bed, movement suddenly stretching to all parts of his body, his frame shaking a little, his eyes adjusting to the sudden light flooding into the room, and into his eyes like daggers, the world coming to harm him, but nothing like that at all, as he came to realise that the figure in the doorway was his sister.
"I heard you crying." She offered as her only explanation, closing the door behind her, before making her way towards Mikey's bed and getting under the covers with him, and in that very moment, the world seemed just that little bit less terrifying.
"What's wrong?" She asked after a few moments of silence, "tell me why you're crying, because you're still crying, and it's horrible. It's really horrible, I love you Mikey, you're my little brother and I love you so much."
"I love you too, Gee." He choked out, wiping his face and forcing himself to exhale; the exchange of air, the act of breathing almost feeling foreign in his throat. "It's just... I'm really scared, and I shouldn't be, but I am, because everything is changing, isn't it? Everyday everything changes just a little more and I can't stop it, I can't stop the world turning, I can't stop living, and I just want everything to be okay, but I'm so scared that it's not going to be."
"Mikey," Gee let out a sigh, holding her brother close, "talk to me, please, just what is it? Everything will be okay, I promise you."
"Pete..." Mikey let out a sigh, with no clear where to start, even though Gee was the one person who would understand, who would always understand, who would care and always care. "Pete's crush from the other day, and then you left to Frank's house, you remember that?"
"Yeah, of course I remember..." Gee trailed off, unsure of just what could come next.
"It was me, he had a crush on me, and I-"
"I knew that." She added with a small smile. "It's obvious, Frank knew it too, and he's only heard about you and glanced at Pete's instagram on occasion."
"I didn't." Mikey admitted, exhaling loudly, "I didn't even know I had a crush on him either, but I do, and I have for a while now, and it's obvious and it makes sense, and this sounds so weird, but it was like I didn't really know what a crush was, what it felt like, what it was supposed to feel like, because I thought that was just... Pete being my bestest friend, but it's not, because he was talking to me how he felt about me, and I feel the exact same way about him. And I think maybe I never noticed and never realised because everyone keeps telling you that if you're a boy crushes are supposed to be on girls, and I knew that was wrong, of course, but... I just... I never thought about it."
"I love you, Mikey." Gee let out a sigh, hugging her brother again, "whoever you're attracted to you, whoever you are, whoever you become."
Mikey smiled, letting out a sigh, "I know, Gee, I do, and I thought it was all okay from then on, because we're like a thing now, and he makes me really happy, but... but then, what mum said at dinner, and how it's all different this time, because what she's saying about the people she hates is something she's saying to me."
"Nothing either mum or dad says about anything like that matters, Mikey, they're idiots."
"I know." Mikey let out a sigh, "you're just used to it, I'm really not."
"And I hate to say it, but you will get used to it, and that doesn't sound like a good thing at all, but things will get better, things always get better." Gee smiled, "and I promise you that."
"Will you stay with me tonight?" Mikey asked.
"Of course I will, Mikeyway."
-
"Mikey." Patrick repeated in the darkness of his bedroom, the room only illuminated by the moon shining in through the rooftop windows, and the screen of Pete's cellphone, put on full brightness, because Pete, being a dude who likes dudes, liked fucking things in the ass, and that included his cellphone battery, it seemed.
"Mikey Way." Pete added, his eyes still fixated upon his cellphone screen, not because he didn't care for Patrick and what he had to say, but because he was scared of that look in the older boys eyes, and even what Patrick didn't say.
Patrick let out a sigh, leaning back against his bedroom wall and just thinking for a moment, because this was perhaps the worst situation in the world, but still, it could work out so much worse, and Pete didn't hate him, and he didn't hate Pete, and he didn't hate thirteen year old Mikey Way, with the glasses and the brown hair and the sister called Gee who was something like the epitome of awesome, either.
"I'm glad," Patrick began, not even fully sure as to what he was even glad about, because perhaps he was glad about everything, the circumstance, the world around him, because Patrick was an optimistic person, and he was trying everything he possibly could not to hate this town and instead forget entirely about Chicago, and Joe and Andy, and Joe in particular, and Joe who he might not ever see again, and this made no sense, because he was just lying to himself, because Pete was amazing, but in no way a replacement for Joe, in the same way that this town was in no way a replacement for Chicago, but this town and Pete Wentz was all he had.
"Glad about what?" Pete asked, finally daring to interrupt the silence.
"Glad that you're happy, glad that it didn't work out how I said I wanted it to, because I didn't want that, not really - you're not a replacement, Pete, you're better than that."
"Replacement for what?" Pete asked, his eyes widening in the darkness, and Patrick was just glad that the very same darkness masked the look on his face; the one you got when you were just about to cry.
"Back in Chicago," Patrick let out a sigh, threw his mind back there, back into where he belonged, and the streets he knew, and the people he knew everything about, and the best friends, and everything and everyone they'd grown to hate together, and that one night when Patrick's parents told him that he had to move, and he'd told Joe first, Joe before Andy, and that had meant very little but all so much. "I had this... friend called Joe, Joe Trohman, and..." Patrick trailed off, shaking his head.
"He wasn't quite just a friend?" Pete guessed, filling in the blanks with ease.
"Something like that, and when I had to move, we just cried forever and it was just pathetic and we both knew it, but because, we'd never admitted to each other how we felt until that night, and we had like two weeks, we had two weeks, we could have had almost a year, if I... if we just... just said something, because I took him for granted in a way, because I thought we'd be friends forever, and now we're states away, and he promised me he'd come visit, but I don't know if he will, and I don't know if I can wait."
"I think he will." Pete added, moving closer to Patrick, "if he feels the same way you do, then he most definitely will, and I'd even promise you that."
"You're lucky." Patrick let out a sigh, "I don't hate you, I don't hate Mikey, I'm not jealous of him, I'm jealous of you both, because you two are so happy together, it's perfect, I reckon."
"Nothing's perfect."
"Well, then as close to perfect as you can get."
-
ayy pals!!! how are you all doing i hope you're all :))) even though this chapter is kind :(((. this is me spreading the :))) vibes in this message because autocorrect just changed spreading to speaking and i am so done with this bullshit. don't tell me what the fuck I'm trying to say autocorrect you know how to spell gabilliam but not that spreading is also a word. thank you. then again we have to consider my usage of those words - the gabilliam to spreading ratio, yes now this seems to make more sense. anyway vote and comment and tell me in the comments whether you think gabilliam or spreading is a more important word lmao i sound like a youtuber they're like oh tell me in the comments what your favourite colour sock is i will totally read all of these comments. i am not a youtuber because i actually read my comments also i actually write my own books.
i don't know what this authors note is I'm sorry goodbye