XX.
IT IS SAFE TO SAY that as the days went on, Amanda seemed to have become even more distant, even after her reassurance that nothing was wrong, there was something that is going on that she wouldn't talk about. I did not doubt in my mind that money troubles had a small part to play in this but there was something even larger going on, something she did not want to let slip. I could preach and ask her to talk to me to tell me what was going on it felt like the more I pressed and hassled, the more closed off she was becoming.
I have noticed that she would force a smile on her face to avoid the questions, or it would be the complete opposite where she would look straight through me like I was completely transparent with her ignoring everything that I would say. I don't know what more I can do at this point. I could choose to ignore her, she would not even notice in the slightest.
One of the days, she came into school still obviously intoxicated from either the night before or currently from the morning. She would not say or answer any of my questions but allowed me to take her home, either way, that same morning she had made it very clear that she wanted to be left alone.
Everything about her had changed in a matter of weeks, emotionally and physically. She no longer looked tired but looked beyond exhausted to the core and became emotionally available. Her eyes would look flat but filled with despondency.
We could be having a conversation then she will trail off and sometimes even end her sentences halfway through and not realise until I coax her into finishing what she was saying, half of the time she would not notice that she did and would forget about what she was talking about.
The weather today would be the perfect metaphor for how she was probably feeling inside her head, it wasn't just raining it was coming down in lashes with no sign of easing up any time soon. I guess it was nice to have something other than snow and now it is going to turn into slush, which was wetter and slippier, I was not looking forward to walking to my car once my shift was over. I only had a few things left to finish up and clean the tables, after that I could call it a day and retire early for the night.
The rest of the evening dragged by while I finished up and clocked out a little before ten, happy when I finally threw myself into the car to get out of the freezing rain, I shrugged off my damp jacked, just wanting to get home to take a nice hot shower and get into bed, only to repeat it all over again tomorrow.
As I pulled out of the parking lot the rain started to come down heavier which made the visibility poor causing me to drive slower, just about making out the taillights on other people's cars as the water distorted the light. My window wipers would not go any quicker if they tried and definitely could not rid the water from the windshield long enough to drive faster than I was.
Going at the speed of a snail, I noticed someone walking in the rain without a coat in just a t-shirt, not realising that it was Amanda until I passed her and glanced in my rearview mirror. I slammed on my breaks to pull over to the other side of the road, narrowingly missing and hitting another car when someone held down their car horn, my body bracing for a head-on collision when they swerved out of the way.
I noticed that she stopped walking after the commotion while I unbuckled my seatbelt and threw myself out of the car, my feet slipping on the wet gravel and slush when I almost fell, my hands grabbing onto my car to steady myself.
"What are you doing, DeCeno?" I called out with a slow jog to close the distance between us as my hand grabbed onto her arm to pull her into me.
She was completely soaked through when I held her against me, feeling how wet her clothes were when she was up against me as we both stood there in the rain. I felt my heart in the pit of my stomach, not understanding why she was walking in the rain, in the winter, in cold weather.
"You almost caused a car crash," she muttered when she moved away from me, her face sent in a hard mask that was ready to falter and crack if I said the wrong thing.
"Let's just get you to the car," trying to coax her along with me when she did not move and stared blankly at me.
"I'm okay," she spoke in a monotone.
"You are going to catch hypothermia, get in the car." I no longer gave her a choice as I pulled her with me and helped assist her into the car. Now not being the time for her to start acting stubborn.
When we were inside, I told her to remove her shirt, I handed her my work t-shirt and hoodie as I put on all the heaters to try and warm her up if the cold hadn't already gone to her bones. All I could do was sit there and look at her, not knowing what there is that I could ask or say to her.
We stayed silent until I caught on that she wasn't going to talk, leaving it up to me to find out what the hell was going on with her. I've had enough of the excuses and heard the same reasons. If I have to be cruel to be kind, then so be it. I need to get to the bottom of this.
"Cut the shit and tell me what is going on?" I know I could have worded it better, but getting straight to the point was better.
"Honestly, I don't know what to tell you." She whispered as she looked down at her hands, her fingers red from being so cold to now warming up, her skin probably tingling from the temperature change.
"Let me help, just tell me what it is?" I begged, my voice softer this time around when she just shrugged her shoulders.
I let out a sigh and pulled away from the kerb, not knowing where my destination would be but driving around seemed like a more soothing option than being sat in silence, listening to the rain beat against the roof of my car.
Every so often I would look over at her, her eyes still looking down at her hands, I tried to be patient, hoping that she will talk to me, that she will tell me what it is. And yet, nothing came out of her mouth. I don't understand why she will not spit it out. How bad can it be for her not to speak to me?
"Do you want me to take you back home?" her reaction threw me off when she quickly shook her head no.
"Not tonight, I need to get out of there." She finally spoke, finally getting somewhere with her.
"Where would you like to go?" allowing her to decide, willing to go anywhere if it means she will talk to me and tell me what is going on. It's not only money troubles it has not been just that for a while now.
"Anywhere but home," she barely breathed out.
I decided to head back to my house to get her out of her wet clothes, not wanting her to get sick, not knowing how long she had been walking in the rain. If my mother has anything to say to me then she can wait until another day to go on at me.
"It is my mum," she spoke up when I pulled onto the bypass that headed home, my eyes glancing over at her while she looked out the passenger window.
This is something this was progress. Slow, but still progress. I kept quiet, waiting patiently for her to continue, that was if she was going to follow it up with anything else. I quickly looked at her to see her wipe something from her cheek, my heart sinking into the pit of my stomach. I knew inside that it was not going to be something good.
This was Amanda DeCeno. Thick-skinned with a does not give a fuck attitude. Seeing her cry broke my heart. Seeing her vulnerable did not sit right with me. All the signs that she was not okay now became clear as day. Did I ignore them or did I just not see them? Now I know they were screaming at me like someone waving a white flag in surrender.
Amanda said nothing further during the rest of the drive.
I felt her hesitation when I pulled into my driveway, seeing that my mother was in and at this point, I did not care for what she had to say. My girlfriend needed me and I was going to be there for her. Whatever my mother had to say can wait until later.
She didn't budge out of the car seat while I walked around to her side, opening the door as I held my hand out for her to take. I could sense she did not know what to do.
"I don't care, I am not leaving you. Please come inside, have a shower to warm yourself up and change into some dry clothes." My voice came out soft when she relaxed slightly and took my hand.
Even I took a deep breath in before we walked through the door, silently praying that she wasn't going to start anything tonight. As we walked inside I told Amanda to head straight to my bedroom and that I would be up in a minute when I noticed my mother poke her head around the corner with a frown on her face. Seriously though, butter would not melt in her mouth, I know how heartless she can be, only thinking of herself and how she would look to other people. God only knows what would happen if somebody shit on her reputation.
"Who just went upstairs?" the questioning started to happen, not even taking ten seconds of walking through the door.
I tried to remain composed when I walked towards the utility room, throwing her wet shirt in the room for now until I got the rest of her clothes. I tried to keep any sarcastic comments and answers to myself, not wanting to make the situation any worse than it could be.
"Amanda," I spoke her name out loud when she looked over at me with a hard stare.
"I thought I told you that she is not welcome in this house." She spoke in a cold tone, I just gave her a shrug in response.
"She is dealing with a lot," I commented when I left the kitchen to head upstairs to my bedroom, not giving the conversation any more of my time.
When I walked upstairs and into the room, I saw her snuggled into the corner of my bed in one of my thick fleece hoodies with the duvet pulled up under her chin. I gave her a small smile when I joined her and opened up my arms when she fell into my side, my arms wrapping tightly around her, my lips pressing to the top of her head.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I spoke into the silence when she let out a quiet sigh.
"They found a lump. She does not know what it is yet nor what they are planning. She has not told me what she is planning on doing." Her voice came out in barely a whisper, everything making sense.
The way she had been acting over these past few weeks, how she was off on a different planet and could not hold a conversation. The sleepless nights that she has probably had. This was not what I was expecting it to be. I do not know how to respond. What was there that I could say. There is nothing that would make any of this okay or better. I just found myself staying silent, hearing her breathing shake when she wiped her eyes on my shirt. I just held onto her tighter.
"Is there anything that I can do?" the words finally tumbling out of my mouth.
She shook her head from side to side, my jaw clenching with nothing else to say while we stayed in the corner cuddling.
For the rest of the night, I kept her in my arms until she finally fell asleep, leaving me to stare up at the ceiling while my mind was whirling at a million miles an hour. All of the questions that I want to ask her, yet I knew I couldn't not until she was ready to talk to me about the situation.
I did not see my mother the rest of that night which I was grateful for. This was the first time that she didn't have anything to say or try to make this whole situation harder than it already was.
When morning came, Amanda took a shower while I sat on the sofa and watched the news, the only time I looked up from the screen was when she stepped foot outside of the bathroom, a weak smile on her lips as she tied her hair into a wet, messy bun before joining me while I held my arms open for her.
We threw around small talk with her being able to hold a conversation, hoping that her finally talking bout it had eased her mind or at least was a weight off her shoulders. I did often wonder if she spoke to her other friends about any of this, that's if she still spoke to them.
Over the past few months, she did not hang around nor talk to Chrissy much, not mentioning her as much as she used to. I feel like after the huge fight I had with her in school a few weeks back, that was the last time she even looked in her direction.
"She only told me a few days ago." Opening up, finally talking to me without having me prompt her.
"When did she find out?" I asked when the conversation fell short, the both of us watching whatever was on while she stayed cuddled into my side.
"The last few weeks, probably explained why she happily sent me away to the cabin."
All I could seem to do was nod my head slowly when my words fell short. I wasn't sure if I should be kicking myself about that whole week away, I could tell she was beating herself up about it but she would not have known either way. I understand that she and her mum are close but would she have told her then if she did not go? Let's be honest, that week was a shit storm with everything that had been going on.
She stayed at mine for a few hours in the morning before I took her back home, saying she didn't want to leave her mum alone for too long. I knew inside that the moment I would arrive back home my wonderful mother was going to speak to me, trying to make the journey back home last as long as possible.
I played out all the likely scenarios inside my head of what could go wrong or what she will say to me, already knowing I was not going to be able to guess, it was just good to be prepared so she can't catch me off guard.
The drive back home took me twenty minutes longer than usual, seeing that my silent prayers for her to be gone went unanswered, the urge to keep on driving seemed like a good idea, however, I knew I had to face her at some point.
With a steady inhale, I climbed out of my car, trying to give myself a pep talk that even my inner narrative did not want to help me out right now. The pit of my stomach felt uneasy when I started to feel nauseous, my hand hesitating on the door handle before I let myself in.
"Can you come here, Rebecca?" my mother's voice rang when I shut my eyes and froze momentarily.
Here goes nothing.
I walked down the hallway towards the kitchen where I saw her standing up against the counter, a cold look on her face which wasn't any different from how she usually looked at me. If she was going to argue with me and have a screaming match, I would rather she just got it over and done with, thankful she was not a person for small talk and got straight to the point.
"I thought I already told you she is not welcome?" the question coming out rhetorically.
I may as well go down fighting.
"And as I said last night, she needed me. Anything else you would like me to clear up?" I asked her back in return.
"This is my house," she began to say when I cut her off, already hearing enough.
"Yes, that it is. I am sorry I forgot that I was just the house sitter. Please accept my apology." Feeling braver than I thought when I turned around and walked away, not doing this again.
I heard her call my name as I went upstairs to my bedroom, taking whatever it is that I need so I can go back out. I decided I was going to crash at Ryan's house, not wanting to hear the bullshit my mother was going to throw my way. I must have hit a nerve because I could hear her slamming around downstairs when the house fell silent.
I held my breath when I did not hear anything other than my heartbeat in my ears. I did not move an inch as I froze and stopped what I was doing I knew this is where the tsunami came crashing into the shore.
Without missing a beat I quickly stuffed things into my bag when I heard her heavy footsteps march down the hallway, making sure to stamp her feet up the stairs, my mind counting the steps until she hit my room. Having more than enough practice from being a child to know how many it took. It took exactly eight footsteps along the landing until she threw my bedroom door open.
I didn't take the time to look up from what I was doing, just wanting to get out of here and away from her as quickly as I could.
"Where do you think you are going?" her voice cold when she stood in the door frame.
If she does not move and let me pass I would not even hesitate to throw myself out of the window at this point.
"Out." My voice was just as cold as hers.
"Where?" the second question made me stand up straight and stop what I was doing when I turned my head to look at her.
"Anywhere that is not here," I spoke before carrying on with what I was doing, finally zipping up my bag. "Move." Pleasantries no longer exist. "Look, you either move out of my way or I am climbing out the window because either way, I am not staying here."
She didn't say anything as she stood to the side to let me leave my room, not hearing another word leave her mouth when I left the house, pulling the door shut as hard as I could as I walked to my car with my phone held to my ear while I rang Ryan to at least give him a heads up. Well, tried to when he didn't answer, knowing that Leah would most likely be in.
The more she acted like this the more evident it is that she had a problem with me being gay. It was not just about Amanda and her not liking her as a person. She did not like her because I liked her. She never bats an eyelash when she has walked into my room and sees Ryan half-naked standing in the middle of the room. If anything this whole argument was driving in an even bigger wedge between the two of us than what was already there.