Chapter 16
I drifted in and out of the darkness.
I could feel hands on me and the sensation of being carried.
I called for him, I remembered that. I cried a lot when I realised he wasn’t there. He would never be there. No, never again.
The darkness was my refuge. I drowned. The misery flooded over me and I sank deep. I wrapped myself in my torment and let it smoother me. I hoped for death. I longed for it.
But it didn’t come. The pain ate at me and as my heart tore, it ripped apart and then it burst into flame and it burnt. And still death didn’t come.
Through all of this I lay covered in darkness. Unable to move or react, I just soaked in the darkness and the pain. I could feel things move around me. I reluctantly swallowed when they spooned the cold gruel into my mouth. I heard voices but not words and none were familiar.
I waited. Surely death would come soon. Surely if I was patient and endured the pain for a little longer death would find me.
My dreams became nightmares. His face would smile at me, his eyes would glow with their promises of love, he would touch me tenderly, kiss me softly then when I returned his love he began to fade. As I watched he faded from my sight, his skin dissipated until my arms floundered in the air searching for him. I woke always screaming for him, reaching for him and with my face wet with tears. Every time I closed my eyes it came to me in some form or another. I could not escape this dream. I could not escape this nightmare. I could not escape my punishment. I had betrayed him.
Sometimes I lay there with my eyes open and watched the shadows on the ceiling or floor. I began to hear repeating voices. The older woman and a man’s voice became regular, but there were others as well, including the one who called me blossom. They spoke to me softly, gently and were kind to me. But I did not respond to them.
I waited for death. It was slow in coming.
The voices around me became clearer. I heard their words. I didn’t want to listen but still they filtered into my hearing.
“She is hurting my son,” the woman said, I heard a murmured voice reply but then the woman scoffed, “Do not judge her, you have seen her scars, you do not know her pain...”
I closed my eyes and tried to listen to the birds outside instead. I was beginning to think that death had deserted me too. No one loved me not even God. No one wanted me. I had been abandon by all. The crying started again. My arms wrapped around me as I tried to hold myself together but as always I failed miserably.
“Shh, you will be alright,” the womans voice tenderly reassured me as she swept the hair off my forehead. “You are safe, your child is strong, you must believe in life again. Reach in side yourself and find your love for your child. Live for your child,” she whispered gently too me.
My child, our child, it lived? It had not abandon me? It wanted to stay with me? It was strong, he was strong, my son.
Something inside me awoke. Warmth trickled into my soul. Something had changed.
I slept. He was smiling at me he handed me a bundle of cloth, so warm, I looked from his face into the small face of the baby. I marvelled. I looked up to share my amazement but he was gone. In my arms the baby moved, I looked back to the child unable to put it down, unable to throw myself at the place where Torc was once. I cried but rocked the baby. It needed me.
I opened my eyes with the morning light. For the first time I noticed where I was. The room was small but clean and bright. The door opened.
“Where am I?” I asked, my throat hurt with the words.
“Ahh you are coming back to us. Hello, my name is Grace, my son Tommy and his friends found you alone in the woods. He brought you here. What is your name?”
I searched myself. I didn’t want to be that person.
“Blossom,” I said before I had thought about it. Blossom was as good as any name.
“Blossom?” she questioned but I didn’t answer. “So Blossom do you want to sit up and have something to eat?”
Food. Yes I was hungry. I moved and felt Grace helping me.
“How long... how long have I been here?”
“Four days Blossom, you have been in this house for four days.”
Four days? I closed my eyes and imagined the King, Aine, Douglas and the twelve. Four days was a long time for me to be gone. It was too much time for me just to be lost.
I wondered. Would they think that I was dead? Would they think I had been kidnapped... actually, yes, I had been kidnapped. Did my attackers, those rouges, did they leave me alone and broken in the woods?
I sat on the bed. My body was heavy and tired but I ate the food offered while I considered.
“How did you get the scars on your back Blossom?” Grace asked. I didn’t respond to her. I didn’t look at her. “The broken bones? You have been hurt. Who hurt you Blossom?” I looked away this time. “You are safe Blossom, you are safe now.”
I breathed a small smile and shook my head but didn’t answer her. I was not safe. I would never be safe from him. He would find me and he would make me suffer for this embarrassment. Actually he would kill me. But again that was inevitable. All he waited for was the Heir. My hands went to my small bump.
I looked out the window as the tears formed in my eyes. There was a knock on the door.
“Ahh Tommy, she is awake. Her name is Blossom.” Grace said with a smile in her voice as the door to the room opened.
I wiped the tears from my eyes expecting to see the young boy ‘Tommy’ who had found me in the wood. Instead in the doorway was the Blonde man. The same blonde man who had held my horse while his ‘friends’ had attacked me. The same blond man who had informed me that they were going to ransom me not rape me. He was my saviour? This kind lady was his mother? My eyes narrowed. He reacted quickly.
“Mother will you give me a minute with ‘Blossom’,” he said the name with obvious disbelief, “She will be disorientated after falling from her horse and wandering the woods alone until we found her.” He looked at me as if trying to imprint this memory into me.
Wandering the woods alone? I glared at him. He looked at me with a warning. His eyes flicked to his mother and they betrayed his concern. I glanced to his mother who was handing me back the bowl. She had a gentle face, lined with age and framed with sandy blonde hair that was not exactly curly but buckled and kinked in rebellion to all the fastenings that she had tied it back with. She smiled at me and her blue eyes glistened with such a genuine innocence. She didn’t know. She believed the lies her son had told her as to how I arrived in her house. She had no idea as to the truth.
I pushed myself back against the wall on the bed as ‘Tommy’ sat heavily in the chair his mother had just vacated. The door was still ajar but we were alone in the room.
“What is your name?” he whispered to me.
“Blossom,” I hissed back at him.
He snorted his annoyance, “Blossom then. So Blossom where are you from?”
“You tell me, Tommy. I must have hit my head when I fell from my horse,” I glared at him.
“Thomas,” he glared back at me, “Only my Mother calls me that.” He grimaced as if embarrassed. “I had to bring you here. Don’t tell her, please.” He looked at me seriously. His blue eyes had an intensity about them. “I don’t want her involved. I can’t involve her. But I couldn’t leave you out there.”
“You should have left me,” I said quietly as I looked back out the window.
I heard him exhale loudly and I could almost hear his frown.
“It is time to go back to your world Lady Blossom. Tell me where you belong so I can make the arrangements.”
“Ohh my hero!” I sarcastically intoned. “I have no worth... Thomas. You should have left me in the dirt. You will regret that decision. I am a bringer of pain, a harbinger of doom, I am unwanted by all.”
I turned back to him just in time to find his eyes surveying me. “I find that hard to believe...” he mumbled. Then more clearly, “Your clothes were fine, your steed well breed, you are in child, you will be missed by someone, by your husband the father of the child?” he paused and waited but I did not speak. When the silence lingered he continued, “But you are not local. So where do you come from? What were you doing so deep in the woods alone?”
I sighed and returned to looking out the window.
“Is this Torc you cried to, is he your Husband? Is he the one we should be seeking? What is his real name?”
I closed my eyes and didn’t respond. I used what energy I had remaining to stop the tears. I would not breakdown in front of this man. I would not give him any clues as to my origin.
“Ohh Blossom, you are a hand full aren’t you. Yes I am regretting stopping you that day...” he stopped what he was saying either that or I couldn’t hear it anymore because of my tears. My chest ripped open as my sobs emerged.
“What did you say to her?” I heard the angry words from Grace, “Why did you go and upset her again? Tommy you... you have no right to upset her.”
Graces’ arms were around me as she pulled my head into her chest. I sobbed into her chest with her wrapped around me. Her arms were warm and comforting. I let myself be lulled by her gentle rocking.
“Now Tommy, say sorry to Blossom,” Grace sternly reprimanded the fully grown man.
“Sorry Blossom,” he mumbled at me.
“Now, now, Blossum,” she smoothed my hair back. “Tommy, you must be kind to Blossum she has endured a pain you know nothing about. She will carry this deep scar for the rest of her life. Men have no scars that run this deep, your cuts are surface cuts. This wound runs straight to the heart. Men would never endure the pain of this. When your Father died I endured this pain. But I had you boys to live for. She has only the promise of a child.”
“You think her husband is dead?” Thomas asked his mother.
“Let us not talk of it. Blossum, you need to recover for your child. You baby needs you. Rest now,” She whispered gently and lowered me back into the bed. Exhausted I let my eyes relax as the voices moved to the door.
“She has lost her one true love, she has lost her reason to live. Whether he is dead or just gone it does not matter. She is lost. She must find in herself a reason to live or she will die. I only hope that she loves that child enough to hold onto life. It is a very strong baby to have endured this. The child wants to live. We must convince her to live now. So, Tommy I will not have you upset her.”
“She is so young and so... strong. How long will it be until she is better? We should find her family, reunite her with this husband she loves so much.”
“Tommy, you are such a boy. Each woman is different. Her hurt is deep. She must have loved this man very much. I doubt that she cries out to the one she is married to though. I suspect that it was her Husband who scared her and no woman would grieve like this over a man who beat her. And yet she is strong. I asked her about her scars she turned her head and would not answer, she laughed when I said she was safe. Yes, I suspect that two men have hurt her.”
He snorted in contempt, “Her husband and her lover.”
“Do not judge her Tommy. You know nothing of her life and, given the depth of her scars, there are many years of beatings that lie on her back. I don’t think you are in any position to judge her.”
“Why would a man do that? Why would a man who loved her enough to marry her do that to someone... someone like her? She does not deserve such treatment, no woman deserves such treatment. I wish it to be contrary to your assessment Mother. Let it be her Husband who is the better man. That makes more sense to me.”
“I brought you boys up to be honourable men, but Tommy not all men are honourable. I am happy that you place so much emphasis in the promises of marriage but do not be naive, there are many who do not. If she had a lover and a husband do not make presumptions as to her virtue. It is not your business. Be good to all creatures Thomas, not everything is white and black.”
I drifted as I listened. I heard the door creak and the chair move and half asleep I assumed that he had left.
I felt a hand gently skim my face to sweep the hair back.
“How could any man hurt something so lovely?” I thought I heard him say but I must have been mistaken. I drifted back to my dreams.