(A/N: Just a reminder, this chapter contains some mild content. Thanks for reading.)
Chapter 11 - The Dream
Peter woke in a cold sweat and sat up in his bed. The dream had been so real. He blew out his breath and looked at his hands, they were shaking. It was only a dream, he thought, then fell back on the pillow. After a long while he was able to go back to sleep.
The next thing he knew was feeling a thump of a pillow on his head. A voice registered, "Peter, wake up! What's wrong with you?"
It was Edmund. "Aw, Ed, stop! Why are you hitting me?"
"Because, you overslept. Everyone is gathering for breakfast and we are all headed to the mission this morning."
Peter groaned, not because he didn't want to go to the mission, but because of the dreams he had and lack of sleep. He stumbled out of bed, not paying attention, and went into the hall. Edmund watched him with a smirk on his face. Peter was getting ready to run straight into April and he was ready for a laugh.
"Ooof! Hey, watch where you are going!" Peter mumbled, thinking he had run into Susan.
"Ow, Peter! What...?" said a voice that was not Susan's.
His eyes flew open, April was on the floor, and he heard cackling behind him. Edmund was doubled over with laughter. Peter's eyes narrowed, he would deal with his brother later. He reached down and pulled April up.
"I'm so sorry, are you okay?" he asked rubbing his eyes.
She nodded but gave him a wary look. He was too distracted to notice, he mumbled something and ducked into the lavatory.
Susan was standing in the doorway watching. "He can be a grouch sometimes, don't let him get to you April. Let's go get breakfast."
The shower improved his appearance but not his attitude. The contents of the dreams were troubling him. He was angry with her for what had happened in the dream. Completely unrealistic, but combined with the lack of sleep, it made him sullen and unresponsive. He knew April was watching him closely during breakfast, but he couldn't meet her eyes. Edmund had guessed and kept ribbing him about the 'nightmares' he had last night. Lucy suggested that he talk about the dreams so they could help. Edmund laughed harder. Then his mother commented that Peter looked flushed, did he have a fever? His father eyed him carefully, and finally called for peace. Peter shot him a grateful look.
He walked near April on their way to the mission, but was silent. She was quiet too. He knew he needed to talk to her, but on the way to church was not the right time. Besides, he was confused and until he got it sorted, he was likely to say something he didn't mean. She soon dropped back to talk with Lucy and he was glad to be alone.
After lunch he finally felt ready to talk and went to look for her, but she had gone for a walk. Was she avoiding him? He deserved it. He hadn't said more than three words to her today. He heard laughter and the front door open. He went to stand in the hallway and lounged against the doorframe like he had all the time in the world. She saw him and froze. Lucy half hugged her and skipped around Peter leaving them alone.
"Hi," he said softly.
"Hello," she replied warily.
He came toward her, "Can we talk?"
She nodded. They went out to the garden and sat on the bench. He was quiet for a minute not knowing how to start. He took a deep breath and plunged in.
"I'm sorry for today. I have been angry and confused and have not handled it well."
She was quiet, waiting for him to continue. This was going to be difficult.
"I didn't sleep well last night, Edmund hit my head with a pillow to wake me up, and I thought you were Susan in the hall."
He watched her. She was grinning at first but then she frowned and her eyebrows shot up. "You would run over your sister in the hall on purpose?"
Oh no, he thought, hearing the edge in her voice, "I um, yeah, I mean, she's my sister. But, I wouldn't intentionally hurt her."
"Hmm," April replied frostily, "Well, that is a bit disturbing, but let's get to the root of the issue, why were you angry and confused? The nightmares?"
He sighed, "They weren't nightmares. They were about you..."
"So you are angry at me?" she asked her voice rising a bit.
"Yes, because of what happened in the dream. But, I am not feeling that way now." He said lightly, trying to ease the tension. "I mean, you felt that way towards me before..."
She stood up, frustration written all over her face, "That was a Narnian dream, it really happened! And, I gave you the opportunity to read about it in a letter. I didn't run over you in a hallway and then ignore you all day! Is this about last night? Because that is the only thing I could come up as far as to why would you be upset with me. Is it because I didn't stop you or because we didn't go farther?!"
He was shocked, that's what she thought? Oh, why had he gone all day without talking to her? He stood before her. "No! Neither, I mean, sort of, but no, last night was perfect, every bit of it. I want it to be perfect for you."
"Well, it's about to be ruined for me, unless you do something to fix it!"
There was heat in her voice and her face was flushed. Her arms were crossed over her chest. She was really angry. Had he ever seen her this angry?
"April, I made a mistake, I... it's hard to explain. But, I'm sorry..." he tried.
Her eyes narrowed, "It's time I go back to school. I have class in the morning. I know you won't let me go by myself. I'll see if Edmund can take me." She started to walk away.
"No! Don't leave, not like this!" he pleaded.
"I don't have a reason to stay!"
He did the only thing he could think of and it probably would just make things worse, but he was desperate. He reached for her arm before it touched the door handle and spun her around. She looked shocked. He quickly pulled her into his arms and kissed her. Her hands were against his chest and she pushed, struggling. He wrapped his arms closer around her and kept kissing her, careful to keep it tender and loving, careful not to deepen it, or let the passion he longed to release take over.
He kept the embrace until she relaxed against him, responding, even stretching her arms around his neck. He gently pulled back but kept her close. She put her head on his shoulder and he started to talk, very softly telling her about the dream. She needed to know.
"I had just left you at the door to your room and had gotten into bed. I wondered how I was going to fall asleep after what had just happened with us downstairs, and then I realized I had forgotten to close the bedroom door. Before I could get up, there you were, one hand up high on the door frame and the rest of you leaning against it. You were wearing...my t-shirt and only...my shirt. I sat up in bed and you came over and sat on the edge facing me. You took my shirt off. I asked you what you were doing. You said, 'what does it look like?' You pushed me down on the bed and leaned over. I said, 'But you promised to help me avoid temptation.' The look you gave me made my heart race. You then told me, 'a little temptation can be a very good thing," and kissed me. After a long moment I opened my eyes because the bed felt different. I glanced around and we were no longer in my room in London, but in my bed chamber at Cair Paravel. I flipped you over underneath me. There was no return from that. Afterward we cuddled close together talking and laughing, about what I don't remember. But, it just felt so right, there was no guilt, no regret, and no shame. Then...I woke up, shaking. The dream felt so real. I couldn't go back to sleep for a long time. When I did, I had the exact same dream again. But when Edmund woke me I felt angry at myself for losing control. Angry at you for tempting me like that and confused, because it felt so right for where we were in our relationship, but I knew it was wrong. I felt guilty for breaking a promise to you and everyone including God. Not to mention guilt for having the same dream twice. All of that was running through my head as I tried to get to the lavatory, I thought I was going to be sick. I am shaking just talking about it."
He pulled back to look at her face. The anger was gone. Instead there was compassion and guilt?
"Peter, this is my fault. I'm the one who encouraged your advances last night. I didn't say no, and I even said yes before you carried me to the couch. The truth is, I didn't want to say no. I feel like I have to pull away from you constantly and I was tired of it. One day, after we are married, I will be expected to say yes all the time. I wanted to see what it felt like. I didn't mean for it to spark those dreams. Also, I felt so loved by you. If we had fought on the way home from the date, I would have reacted differently, but we had talked about what our lives would be like after we married. You had held me close while dancing, you told me how lovely I was, you bought me dinner and a rose. How could I not want you be with you in that way after such a wonderful evening?" ***
She thought for a moment more, "We were going so slowly, I felt safe, but mostly it is because I feel so close to you. We are intimate in every way, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. It felt only natural that we connect that way too. I guess somewhere in my head I knew it was dangerous, but I also knew I could trust you to stop."
He hugged her closer, "It was not all your fault. It was mine too. I could blame it on this young body, but that would be an easy way out. I could have pulled back at any time, but I loved the knowledge that you weren't stopping me. That you were, in fact, encouraging me to continue was incredible. But, it is too soon for us. If we really want to wait, we are going to have to not be alone or we will have to decide on boundaries ahead of time for what is too far."
"Do you regret what happened with us?"
"No!" he said.
"What if we had done more than kiss? What if Edmund hadn't come in and we both lost the will or ability to stop? What if we had made a mistake? Would we be able to forgive each other? Would God forgive us?"
He walked her over to the bench so they could sit. He took her hand, "You, and your 'what ifs'" he teased.
But, then getting serious, he continued, "I've thought about that some. It would be hard, but we would have to forgive each other. I know that God would forgive us, but we would have to be serious about not letting it happen again. I don't believe that God would honor us continuing to sin, just because we asked forgiveness each time knowing we wouldn't be able to resist temptation next time. I think He calls us to do hard things like resist, because he knows it makes us stronger. But, everyone makes mistakes and we all sin. Regardless of forgiveness, we still have to face the consequences of our actions. Just the thought that the consequences could be damage to our relationship, mistrust forming, or even the anger and confusion I felt toward you today is devastating to me!"
She nodded then a thought occurred to her, "Peter!" she said, her eyes lighting up. "Have you thought about this? Maybe we were married in your dream and that is why it felt so right!"
He looked at her and nodded, "That thought does help some. But, we were in Narnia. That part doesn't make any sense!"