Anna basically ran away from me when I asked her about Lauren's results, my luck was not much better when it came to Susan, to sum it up they are both avoiding me now. I wonder what is going on, I wonder what should I do, after all I am a doctor and I could easily sent an intern to bring me Lauren's files, but I don't want to do that. I want them to be honest with me, I want Lauren to be honest with me, sometimes it feels like honesty is not appreciated as it should be anymore. People would rather lie to your face than tell you the truth and I hate it, God knows how much I hate it.
I've been working late lately, this week has been crazy for me, I slept for max 2 hours per night and I can feel myself getting weaker day by day, but this patient, Lucy, she means so much to me. I know that I shouldn't be that close to someone, especially a girl, but that is the thing, she is just a little girl.
She should be outside playing games with her friends, but she's been stuck in this hospital for six months now, nobody can figure out her condition, nobody can say, "she has this or she has that." it is just not possible anymore, at first we thought it was cancer, but it was not and now I am wondering if we missed something, if there is something important that I've missed when I was looking through her files.
"You should be at home for about two hours now doctor, it's not good for you to keep doing this to yourself." Doctor Loyd that I've been working with this week says as she steps inside my office.
"I just, I can't get a grip on this case."
"Lucy again? Give it some time, we're getting closer aren't we?" She was older, wiser, she had a lot of things happening in her life right now, but she is still the most intimidating person that I've met here.
She reminds me of Lauren when we were younger, so sassy and hard on everyone, she doesn't take a no for an answer, she is mean to every single person in here and when I accidentally asked her something about it, she smiled and said, "that's how you keep your job and make them better, in medicine there is no mistakes, everything has to be perfect, you can't just take a risk, maybe sometimes you have to, but most of the time everything that you do, must come from your head, that's why you have it right? To think with it, to think about the most appropriate methods to use, to think about the signs your patient has, everything starts and ends in your head, there shouldn't be any heart involved in our cases."
"Are we really getting closer? What if there is no time? How can you be so calm about it? She is your patient too," I say as calmly as I can.
"That's the thing, she is not just my patient, she is yours too and I have faith in you."
"Oh? So there is still a heart beneath that shell of yours?"
"Easy there tiger don't cross the line now," she says sternly as she moves towards the exit.
"Go home, take a shower, watch tv, do something, maybe the answer will come to you when you won't be even thinking about it." That almost made sense to me, almost. I want to ask her something before she leaves, but of course I was too late, she is fast, one second she is there talking to you and the next she is saving people.
Even though I didn't want to, I told myself that enough is enough. I closed the door of my office and went home. On my way there something weird happened, I drove past the park my father loved so much, he took me here when I was just a child. It was our favourite place and just one look at it made me think about my family, the people I've been missing so much without even knowing it.
A few days before my father's death I wanted to tell them that I liked girls, I made this speech inside my head but when I came home that night, to talk to them I was faced with an empty house. It was weird and a bad feeling ran through my body, I called my mom but she didn't answer, I called my brother and when he told me that they were at the hospital I forgot about the speech in my head.
I remember how much it hurt looking at his lifeless body, he wasn't dead yet, but he was going to be sooner or later. They told us to stay by his side and we did, I held his hand so tightly that my mother had to tell me to hold it a bit lighter, I couldn't, I knew what was coming our way, it hit me so hard that the tears ran down my face without warning. My dad begged them to leave us alone for a minute and with heavy hearts they did, his eyes found mine and he squeezed my hand harshly.
"I know," was all that he said in that moment, I was confused, my eyebrows were furrowed in confusion when he smiled at me and whispered, "Lauren, I know about you and Lauren, don't let her go baby girl, don't lose her."
I didn't know what to do so I just nodded, all this time I was planning the perfect speech, all this time that I've wasted, and he knew it all along didn't he? After all he was my father.
"Promise me, that you won't give up on your girl," he said and it took me by surprise, the machines in the room started going crazy, his eyes were darker, his hold on my hand lighter, I was losing him in front of my eyes, but before his eyes closed for the last time, before he took his last breath, he told me to fight for her, to respect her, every little thing he said was inked in my brain. He said goodbye to my mom and brother before his eyes took a last glance at his family, he had a little smile placed on his lips when he went away, that made it a bit easier, but nobody could prepare me for the pain that was coming my way.
I don't know how or when it happened, but I am currently standing in front of my mother's house, waiting for her to open the door. When the doors open I see a little girl, she is probably 4 years old nothing more standing there, I find myself thinking if mom moved away but when I hear a familliar voice coming from behind the little girl I freeze.
"Who is it sweetie?" A man asks and when our eyes meet, I can feel the first tear escaping from my eyes slowly. He stands there looking at me, a beautiful woman comes to his side and kisses his cheek as he stays stuck in his place looking at me. She turns her head towards the door, picking the little girl in her lap as she stares at me and my brother.
"What is going on in here?" I hear a voice, mom, she sounds so different, when she comes into the view I see her tired features, her eyes look so tired, her hair all grey, six years ago that woman looked younger than most of the ladies her age did, I guess time really changes people, she has wrinkles but they make her look beautiful.
"Y/N? Is that you?" She asks sounding surprised, worried, confused and I just stare, I stare at them, at brothers girlfriend and his daughter, they look happy together, what am I even doing here? They probably don't want me anywhere near them. I turn around on my heels and start walking towards my car, "Y/N stop! Where do you think you're going?" I hear my brother ask as he runs to my side.
"I don't even know what I am doing here Bryan, look at you all grown up, your girlfriend looks stunning by the way," I try to keep going but he interrupts me, "my wife. She is my wife Lia, we've been married for almost three years now, it's been rough and crazy especially since our daughter is in the picture but we are happy."
"Wait Lia? As your english teacher?" I smile at the thought, he had the biggest crush on his teacher in college, she was only eight years older than him he always said as he fantasized about her.
"Sounds weird huh? We spent days, months talking about how beautiful she was, how obssesed I was with her, but when you left there was no one there for me, she wanted to talk to me after one of the classes to tell me that she was disappointed over my grades, I used to be on top but suddenly I was barely passing. She offered some help and here we are now, happy together. Sometimes I wonder if dad did it on purpose. If he was the one who put her on my way, maybe he knew how much I liked her and he did something about it." It was hard to listen to him, when all I could think about was how I didn't get the invitation to the wedding, how I wasn't there to be his maid of honor, how my life wasn't as perfect as I thought it was for so long.
"We all knew Bry, we all knew. I am so happy for you," I try to sound as happy as I can, but something is just not letting me be, I can see it in his eyes that he knows that I am trying.
"What about you? Are you happy?" He asks and when all I do is stare at him while he is waiting for an answer, he figures it out quickly, I feel his arms traveling to my back as he pulls me in for a hug. I missed this, I missed my brother.
"Let's go inside, mom has been waiting for you to come around longer than you think." I feel sad when he says that, I've hurt them so much, they don't deserve this. His arms stay wrapped around me as he leads me to the place where mom is, she is sitting on the chair on her terrace just looking up at the sky. Bryan closes the door behind me and I take some time to just admire her.
"Do you still know where it is? Can you find it?" I ask her and I can see a little smile on her lips.
"Everyday I look at the star he bought for me for our wedding present, everyday I say good night to him, I know he is out there somewhere, watching over us and I know he is the one who light up the star that brought you back home tonight." They were so in love, it all started in high school, he always said that all it took for him to fall was a little smile she gave him, when they walked past eachother on the hallway. He started leaving notes in her locker, roses, a little things that meant everything to her, and that's how it started. Even though he left her alone in this cruel world, the love they shared is pretty much still alive and getting stronger as I can see.
"Do you miss him mom?"
"I miss everything about him, every second of the day, but I finally realized that he is not coming back. He is waiting up there for me to join him, I can't wait on the day when we'll be dancing with the stars together, looking down on our happy children." When she talks about death, I get this weird feeling that I don't like it at all.
"Mom, you know how people are constantly being judged by who they are, well I'm just sitting with you beneath the sky, looking at the stars, just wondering why? Why do we have to be like society want us? Why on earth I can't be myself? We're all special in our own special way, I don't like everybody, but I'm not going to bring that in their face. I mean, I can keep stupid comments for myself, I don't need to insult the person. I'm not like that, I never was and I won't be, I won't let that happened. I don't really care if you're black or white, thin or a little fluffy, I don't care if you're straight or gay, I really don't. You're still just a human. And for the first time, I admit it mom, I'm not straight, I can't even think straight, but that's just me, you know? I still like the same music as I did before you knew who I am. I still believe in the same things, I still love my family, I'm still me. And I see love in a woman..." she doesn't let me finish.
"...and there is nothing wrong with that, love is love." I look at her and she gives me a little smile in return.
"Do you think I am blind? You were so in love with Lauren, it hurt to watch you love her that much, it hurt because I thought that she was going to hurt you."
"And she did," I tell her.
"Did she really? If I know one thing, if I learned anything in this life is to accept things as they come, embrace them, and I did that with you and Lauren, I did that when I saw how she was looking at you. I know we never really met her, but seeing you two together on pictures was enough. How is she by the way?" I shrug my shoulders in respsonse.
"She is not herself anymore," I tell her and she listens when I explain it to her what is going on with Lauren, even though my mother is getting old and it's hard for her to listen I can see that every word that I say reaches her, she is thinking hard about the things I've told her before she opens her mouth to speak again.
"What exactly are you doing here?" I am surprised by her question. "The love of your life is fighting this war all by herself? You're supposed to be there for her, to support her, who cares if she doesn't remember you? Make a new memories worth living for, make her happy, if you're so scared that something is wrong again ask her, find out about the condition she is in, where is my daughter? The one who couldn't stop talking about Lauren, that girl was all that you cared about, she still is, stop wasting your time, she won't be here forever." My mother was right, I have to find her, she is probably still working tonight, I know it because she wasn't in the coffee shop in the morning. One last look at my mother tells me all that I needed to know in this exact moment, I have to see her, I have to make her mine again, I can't screw this up.
"Go," she says and I run out of the house as fast as I can, I jump into my car and I can see my brother on the stairs looking at me, mother whispers something in his ear and he smiles my way before I disappear.
I am thinking way too hard about the things I want to tell her, about the things that happened, about the things I want to know about, but as I step inside the coffee shop every little hope that I had, every little dream in the back of my head is gone when I see her kissing a guy, it wouldn't hurt as much as it does if it was a girl. Who am I kidding right? It would hurt just as much as it hurts right now.
"Y/N?" I hear Camila's voice behind me and Lauren jumps away from the guy when she sees me, her eyes change immediately, I can see her coming closer, "don't, just don't." I manage to get out before I start crying, "not again." I whisper to myself but the girls and Lauren heard me, "Y/N, let me explain."
"No. I don't have time for this anymore, I honestly wanted us to try again, to start over. I even broke up with the girl that cared about me, I went to visit my family because you wanted to see them, I haven't talked to them in over two years and I didn't know what lead me to their house, now I do, you did, the thought of making you happy did. For what? For nothing. I just need some space." I say quietly as I open the door and start walking towards my car again. That's when it happens, that's when I see the light and I can hear myself thinking, that's it, I am gone now, I can finally be free of this pain and feelings.