I knew I had to tell Jackson the truth about Daniel. I'd left it too long as it was, and it was beginning to swallow me whole. Aside from my indecision about college and ever moving back to New York, it was like this giant dark thunderous cloud hanging above my head, gathering more and more water to drown me with.
I walked down stairs to find Jackson. We were home alone, his parents and the twins had gone out for parent teacher evening at the school. It was the perfect time to tell him, to rip the band aid off, maybe he wouldn't hate me.
"Dude, you missed an amazing party." Daniel's voice echoed through the kitchen, I scowled and turned to go back up stairs.
"I'm sure I had more fun in New York with Amber." Jackson replied.
"What was in New York anyway? Everyone was being so vague on the details."
"If she wanted you to know she'd tell you." Jackson replied.
"Come on bro, we don't have secrets." Daniel said, and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I turned back around and continued to walk down the stairs and in to the kitchen. Both boys looked up at me, but they had completely different expressions. Daniel choked on his juice, then raised his eyebrows.
"Uh, hey Amber." He said slowly. "How was New York?"
I shrugged and walked over to the fridge and opened it. "Oh you know. So, use any girls or betray any hearts while we were away?" I said mindlessly. I heard Jackson gasp, but I chose to ignore it. Once he knew what Daniel had done... he wouldn't be so surprised.
"No." He replied. "Someone I have a lot of respect for called me out on my behavior."
"Dude, loads of people have called you out on the way you treat girls." Jackson laughed. "It's never stopped you before."
"Let's just say this person really got through to me." Daniel mumbled. "I have to go."
Jackson frowned but stood up anyway. "You sure you don't want to hang around, Amber and I were going to order in pizza and watch movies."
"Oh, uh..." He looked at me and swallowed hard. "That wouldn't be a good idea."
Jackson let out an exasperated sigh and looked between Daniel and I. he picked up his wallet and walked over to the kitchen door. "I'm going to get pizza, and when I get back you two better be over whatever this is okay?"
He left, leaving Daniel and I staring at each other. Daniel sat back down and looked at the table, he drew circles with his fingers, and gone was the normally over confident boy I'd always known.
"I want to tell him." I murmured. "This secret is pulling me down."
Daniel nodded. "I know you do. God, I've gone over what I would say if I ever told him the truth. I don't like keeping this secret. But I have no choice, I don't want to hurt him either."
"You already did." I huffed. "The minute you went after his girlfriend, you hurt him, he just didn't know it yet."
"I didn't go after her because she was dating him." He said defensively. "I know you think I'm a walking dick with no feelings just testosterone, and I guess sometimes I am. But it was different with her."
My eyes narrowed and I walked over to the table. "Different how?"
"She would always send me these looks, they did something to me, made me weak. I told myself she was just flirty, but one night she text me, and we started talking."
"Why didn't you just ignore it?"
"I ask myself that all the time."
"So you expect me to keep your secret because what... you weren't just in it for sex?"
Daniel shook his head and looked up at me. "I was in love with her." He said.
"You? Come on, pull the other one."
"Believe what you want, but while I was supporting Jackson, while I was stopping him from drinking himself stupid I was nursing my own broken heart, and all the while I knew he was like he was because of me. I knew I could never tell him, not because of me, not because he would hate me. That I deserve." Daniel's jaw clenched and he looked out the window. "But because he trusted me, and he trusted her, and if he found out he'd stop trusting everyone. He's too cool a guy to be dogged down by something stupid that happened."
I looked down at the table. Daniel was right, telling Jackson would bring his pain flooding back. His past would come back to haunt him and the fabric of his family would be damaged.
"I'm sorry you found out. I'm sorry you've had to hold this to yourself, and I understand if you can't anymore."
I'd felt pain for such a long time, that I could bear to cause Jackson any. I shook my head and took a deep breath. "I wish I didn't know either." I looked up and our eyes connected. "But I do, and I don't want to cause Jackson any pain. I don't want to hurt him at all if he doesn't need to be hurt."
"Do you still hate me?" Daniel whispered. "I hate that when you look at me these days it's with disgust."
"I've never hated you Daniel."
"You know what I mean."
"For Jackson's sake, I'm willing to move on from this." I whispered, making a promise I couldn't keep. I'd been living for the moment I was free of the lie I had been holding in my heart about Daniel. But my freedom meant nothing, when Jackson was going to hurt because of it.
"Friends?"
"Yeah." I breathed out.
Jackson returned 15 minutes later with enough pizza to feed a small army. The three of us set up in the lounge and spent the evening watching movies. It was like one of the slumber parties we'd had as kids. Before love, sex or drama had entered the picture. When Jackson's parents came home the laughed at home we were sitting exactly as we had five years before hand. On the floor, side by side, no gaps between us. After Daniel left Jackson and I watched another movie, but we were really just delaying going to our separate bedrooms. We lay on the couch together, talking.
"So you and Daniel are okay again?"
I nodded, a small pang of guilt moved through me, but I pushed it aside. Daniel had done something monumentally stupid, but he was right. Jackson didn't need to pay for it more than he already had and losing Daniel as a friend would do that, not to mention the ripple affect it would have.
"Thank you." He whispered. "We're the next generation of the patchwork, we need to keep the pieces together."
"Cheesy Jackson..."
"I know." He smiled and leaned forward to kiss me on the forehead, "But it's also true."
It was true, we were the next generation, and that thought frightened me. I'd heard stories, about the past about terrible things that had happened, about deaths, kidnappings and amnesia. Our patchwork family had been through it all, and I was no exception. Except here I didn't feel like I'd been through any of it, here I could pretend my life in New York had never happened. Here the status quo meant I was safe. I didn't have to move on and possibly face more pain if I didn't want to, I could stay right here and pretend that never changing could work.
Suddenly I knew why the thought of college in New York scared me. I was afraid of the future and growing up, but I was also afraid of moving on from what I had been through, letting it go and potentially putting myself at risk of hurt again. I was protecting myself, even if my protecting myself I was stopping myself from living my life.
"You're deep in thought." Jackson soothed.
I looked up and nodded, but didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know if he'd understand my logic was so frayed.
The door in to the lounge opened and Scarlett poked her head in. "I think it's time you guys head off to bed. You've got school tomorrow."
"Yeah okay Mom." Jackson replied.
"Night guys." She left the room.
Jackson kissed me softly. His hands cupped my face and everything disappeared as the blinding light of us engulfed me. The kiss changed, from soft to fervent and our hands began to wander. I pushed my body against his, I could feel him through his clothes and through mine. Reluctantly we pulled away from one another.
"I forget about everything when I am with you." I murmured.
"I know the feeling."
We sat up and walked through the house hand in hand, parting like star crossed lovers as we reached our bedrooms. We stood in our doorways, just staring at one another. For anyone else it probably would have been strange but it was comforting. He mouthed I love you, and I did it back and then we closed our doors.
The next day at school I was ambushed by people from my dance class. They had seen the dance at time square and had recognized me. It was strangely satisfying, being seen and appreciated for who I was. Of course the question always followed. "Are you planning on attending?" I gave a nonchalant wave and shrug, but beneath the surface I was a body of nerves.
"You're a star." Jackson murmured slipping his hand in mine.
"I guess." I replied with a tight smile.
"Can you imagine the faces of the people who stomped all over you? Can you imagine how they must feel seeing you on television doing more than they could ever hope for."
I hadn't thought about it like that, and surprisingly the thought did nothing for me. I'd never been big on revenge, and reveling in the discomfort of my tormentors only made me feel sad. I looked at Jackson and shrugged. "I'd prefer they forget I existed." I admitted. "People do stupid shit when they're young. Hopefully they redeem themselves, but if they don't, it has nothing to do with me."
Jackson smiled and leaned across to kiss me, but before our lips could touch a large body separated us. "Oi, no making out on school property." Daniel laughed.
"Look who's talking." Jackson said dryly.
"I resent that comment." Daniel replied. "I haven't... erm, done anything with anyone in over a week."
"Huh?" Jackson replied, genuinely shocked. "Mr. Love, hanging up the belt... so to speak."
"I just figured I needed to slow down." Daniel murmured, his face turned to mine and he smiled.
"Daniel speaking reason... I never thought I'd see the day." He laughed.
"Well get used to it. I'm not going to be a jerk anymore. I need to get serious about my future." Daniel slipped his hands off our shoulders and turned around to face us. "You guys are the best, but I've got an appointment with the careers counsellor."
I watched Daniel critically as he ran off down the corridor. I knew why he was doing this, he was supplementing his guilty conscience by overcompensating. Sure, calming down a little bit would be good for him, but it was almost like he had changed completely overnight.
"Is this your input?" Jackson said cheerfully. "Because if it is, congratulations. I've been telling the guy to sample life in moderation for as long as I can remember."
"Don't look at me." I murmured. "Uh, I've got to get to Dance."
"Oh of course. See you after."
I ran across to my classroom without giving Jackson as much as a peck. Watching Daniel being eaten alive by his guilty conscience had set off my own worry. I escaped into the classroom where my fellow classmates once again ambushed me. I told them the story again, and it wasn't long until I'd managed to push my problematic feelings about the whole Daniel fiasco to the back of my mind.
The teacher had us preform a solo dance thankfully, which allowed me to release all the stress I'd been gathering since we had returned. The feel of the hard wood floors beneath my feet comforted me, the music swirling through my ears swept me into a 3rd dimension, where only my movements existed. I became a tree gracefully blowing in the wind, dancing, bending and moving to a beat solely its own. I was free from everything I'd ever felt.
When I finished it all came flooding back, and I hated it, but he couldn't know. I couldn't break him. I knew what it felt like to be so utterly broken, and I didn't want that for him. After class we met in the corridor between our classes. One look from him like I had felt when I was dancing, I was free.
A/N - So.... keeping Daniels secret... a brave sacrifice to protect Jackson... or a stupid mistake?
I chose Born To Try by Delta Goodrem. I feel the lyrics are reflecting Amber's current state of mind. Just as an FYI, I loved this song back in the day. It makes me so happy, and I'm a rock kind of girl usually :P
Anyway, hope you liked this chapter!
Love yas!