Even though I am not a good company in the state I am in, Anna stays for dinner, and by dinner I mean that we ordered some pizza and drank some wine.
"Sooo, how is life?" I ask her as we are staring at eachother in my kitchen, Anna giggles at my silly question and pulls me towards the couch in my living room. My head lands on her lap, her hands find a way to my hair as she starts massaging me gently.
"You know same old same old. My boss is still harsh, a little jerk to be completely honest." My hand tickles her sides as she says this.
"Excuse me? Harsh? You should probably do something about it then?"
"Something like what?" Our eyes are locked, her lips pulled up in a beautiful smile, her teeth showing in the process. Our fingers are slowly intertwining as her head moves slowly towards mine.
"I don't know, I don't have that kind of boss." I say playfully and she lets out a nervous sigh, her lipstick looks so good on her, I put my hand on her ponytail and pull the elastic out of it. Her hair falls down on my face but my fingers are fast at moving it away from our faces. I am faced with the most beautiful smile and eyes blue like the ocean.
"I think I should just kiss her, once." I freeze in position that I am right now, I know that things were going out of hand a few minutes ago but I am pretty sure that if she leans in I won't be able to stop myself. I am craving for comfort for a little attention and affection for a very long time, I never came to the second base with Emily because I was always pulling away from it. But there is nothing pulling me back in this exact moment. Will I regret this tomorrow? Yes, yes I will. Will I feel guilty? Yes, yes I will, I shouldn't but I will. Will I imagine someone else on top of me? Not really sure, but I could find out right now.
Our lips almost touch when we hear the bell. I am seriously not expecting anyone so whoever it is interupting our little moment I want to rip their head of.
"Don't open," she whispers in my ear seductively but I pull away from her, my feet carrying me towards the door. When I open the door I am met with an angry Susan on the other side. She storms into my apartment, her finger pointing at Anna and the door. Anna seems to get the hint as she starts stumbling around the apartment looking for her purse.
"Be happy that you're not fired! And be aware of the fact that I will keep an eye on every fucking move you do from now on. Leave now!" Susan yells and if Anna isn't scared, I am. When the door of my apartment close Susan points at the couch and says, sit yourself the fuck down, through gritted teeth.
"What do you think you're doing? If I tell you to stay inside the room while I am talking to Lauren you're going to do it! And how dare you just run away from work with that little worm!"
"Look I don't know what's up with you, but I am not going to sit in there watching her talk but wanting so badly to kick me out of the room."
"It is not your job to judge the situation we are in. Lauren is getting better because of you. She insisted that you come to our meetings, she basically told me to drag you in there if I would have to. She watches that fucking video of you singing to her every fucking day. The girls have to write down everything she remembers because she is so confused by these memories that she can't write them down herself. For fucks sake she has a wall full of memories of you and her, full of pictures she found in her old computer. Everyday she goes to work to be better, to get better for you, and what you do in return? You want to fuck Anna!" Her eyes are full of anger. Well no shit you messed it up pretty bad this time.
"How on earth could I know all that? How? Lauren told me to stay away."
"What part of, she is not the same as she was before you don't understand? Go to her house and fix it, fix this mess that you've made." She pulls me from the couch and pushes me out of the door, I try to lock the door and take the key out but she keeps on pulling me towards the car. I take the keys out and she drags me into the car.
"Are you crazy? This is between me and Lauren!"
"She is my patient and I am not going to watch her suffer. I am not going to watch you suffer either. Don't you see that you're not only hurting her, you're hurting yourself too." Well she is right about that. The car ride towards her house is quiet, Susan is watching me from the distance. When we arrive she pushes me out of the car and tells me, I don't care how you get home. You're on your own. Fix it.
When I reach my destination Camila is already waiting for me outside the door.
"Be careful, she is pretty angry, throwing things, slaming the doors, kicking everything that she can reach." I nod as I walk towards Lauren's room, Dinah is sitting there with her back pressed on the door.
"We were supposed to have a party here tonight, what should I do now?" Dinah asks standing up.
"You can still have a party Dinah, I am going to take care of Lauren. Just make sure that nobody comes into the room we are in." I move towards the door, I open them slowly, pushing my body through it. There is a little object flying over my head in no time, but when I look at the broken girl in front of the bed it crushes me. Her eyes look dark, she looks lost, her hair a total mess, she is breathing heavily.
"Laur," I try but I am pushed into the doors behind me. Her lovely hands holding my wrists on the door roughly. These beautiful green eyes looking right through me.
"Why would you leave me?" She screams at the top of her lungs.
"I am here aren't I? I am here and I am yours, as long as you want me to be." Her look softens, she is still holding my hands above my head but not so roughly anymore.
"I need you to wait, I don't want to lose you I just need time to get better for you," she whispers quietly, her eyes unfocused.
"You're not stuttering anymore." I notice and she giggles.
"That's not the main point here Y/N."
"It is for me, you're getting better without me."
"You see that's the thing. You're the reason for this, I am getting better because of you, because the video you sent me, because of this things!" She points to the wall full of pictures and notes. I pull one note from there to read it.
She took me out today, it wasn't our first date, it wasn't even a date, she just gets me, she knows when I need something to make me feel better. She knows when all I need is a hug and a hand to hold. She said that she is nervous because I told her that I don't want the fans to see us together, but the truth is that I want to tell the world she is mine, my baby.
She was walking in front of me and I couldn't stop myself from smiling when I realized that she was doing it for me. I think I never seen her face as happy as it was in that moment when my hand slipped into hers, when our fingers intertwined and I felt butterflies erupting in my stomach. I love her, I think I do, I think I am falling but I can't bring myself to tell her that. When she smiles, oh lord when she smiles, I don't need anything else in my life anymore.
I put the note down, I can feel smooth hands from behind me making their way towards my belly. Her head falls on my shoulder as she whispers in my ear, you can read them all. I have to admit that I feel pretty curious about those things, I want to see this moments we shared from her point of view too. I take another note down as I sit down in front of the wall, her legs resting on my sides, her head resting on my back. I can hear her giggle when she sees goosebumps on my shoulders. My heart is beating way to fast and she is listening the melody he is playing.
I am sitting on the bed, my face focused on my girlfriend who's sitting in front of the window. Her guitar resting on her knees as she is writing the lyrics for her new song on a paper. She is amazing, her voice super hot, her talent all over the place but she doesn't want to sign the contract because that would mean that we wouldn't have any time left for us to be perfect together.
I can see a tear falling down her cheek but I don't question her about it, I know that she is thinking about all of this, about the fight we had, about the fact that she is not allowed to hold my hand in public or kiss me. She got mad at me for not standing up for us in front of the people. She got mad when I tweeted that fans are being delusional about us being together and that she is just a friend joining us on tour.
If I could I would punish myself right there and then but I was afraid of the eyes of the public. Y/N always punished me in bed but tonight was different, she took a blanket and a pillow and went to the couch.
It was a little past midnight and I was still awake, I walked to the couch and sat down next to her. It hurt to see her so broken, the tracks of tears were still seen on her cheek. I caressed her smooth skin for a while and gave her a little kiss on the cheek. I am going to make it right, I said to her that night, I guess I was wrong, a few months later nothing felt right anymore.
I feel fingers on my cheeks wiping a little hot tears away, Lauren had to move from behind me while I was reading this. She is sitting in my lap, our fingers intertwined now. A note falls from the wall and she smiles and says, this one is sweet.
She took me out on a dinner, we still didn't held hands in public and I still hadn't told her how much that bothers me. We were eating sushi, I mean I was, she was just watching me eat it. I don't know why did she take me to this kind of restaurant if she hates sushi, she said that she wanted to make me happy and she did, she really did.
I took the food from the plate and her nose scrunched up and she moved her head backwards when I tried to feed her. I remember it like yesterday how I spent almost an hour convincing her to try sushi. She freaking loved it I could see it in her eyes, but her freaking pride wouldn't let her confess that. But she did though, she confessed it when we were laying on the blanket beneath the stars.
It was the second part of our date, she searched for an empty and safe place where we wouldn't be bothered. My head was pressed on her chest, our hearts beating as one as my lips found hers for a lovely kiss. I melted everytime our lips touched, everything inside me came to life when our lips danced in the dark. I couldn't imagine kissing anyone else for the rest of my life, this was what I was looking for since I was a little girl. Love like this. When you feel like you're flying when she looks at your eyes, your lips, bites hers a little, pulls you a bit closer, puts a hand on your cheek, looks into your eyes then your lips again and leans in so slowly that you are high just from the little things that happened before the kiss.
When I put the note down I can feel smooth arms pulling me up towards the bed. I can hear loud music coming from outside the door, I guess the party has started already. I take another note with me on the bed. I slide under the blanket, my head pressed on the headboard. Lauren comes from the bathroom wearing nothing but a big shirt and underwear, I wonder if she has her bra on. Her legs look so good, I really really want this women, I need her, she is my freaking world.
I can see her big smile when she is walking slowly towards me, her hips swaying seductively. Her beautiful body slips under the blanket, her head lands on my chest and I pull her closer, as close as I can. Her leg moves between mine, her hand falls over my stomach, I place a little kiss on her hair.
"There is one memory of us that I never put up there, I don't care if the guys see the others but I don't want them to see this one." Her hand reaches over me towards the drawer on the nightstand, I tickle her sides and her laugh is the most beautiful melody that I've ever heard. Her hand slaps mine, she is glaring at me playfully. God dammit, you are craving for her touch aren't you? Of course I am, look at her. I am.
Lauren takes a little folded paper from the drawer, her body moving back into the previous position, her fingers are slowly playing with the edge of my shirt.
"What is it?" Lauren seems nervous, her eyes are studying the folded paper like she is questioning herself if she should show it to me or not.
"It's some kind of a shower sex I think," she says quietly like she is embarrased of saying it, I have to understand that since she's been in this condition her mind isn't completely the same. There are things she is afraid to do or talk about. One of those is probably sex, I think she doesn't notice that I am staring at her like I want to repeat that night over and over again.
"Read it out loud please, I couldn't bring myself to read it, I just wrote down what came inside my mind." My head nods immediately, I take a little glance at her, her eyes are looking at my hands as I unfold the paper slowly. The handwriting is pretty messed up, I think that she must of been writing it pretty fast.
Oh God I thought to myself when I came into our hotel room exhausted from the world around me. I quickly took a glance over the room to see if she was already here, but she wasn't. At least I thought so, I pulled my jeans off and threw my t-shirt on the floor. Walking to the wardrobe I grabbed a towel and threw it over my shoulder.
I wanted my baby back so we could kiss and cuddle all night long, but I had to take a shower first and wait for my beautiful, talented, perfect girlfriend to come back. As I walked into the bathroom, I heard the water running and at first I wanted to scream at the person using our shower and kick them out but when I heard her beautiful voice as she started to sing it sent me over the edge. I felt tingles in a silly places, I don't know if it's possible to be turned on by the voice of the person, but my body was begging for release. Everything inside me was craving for her touch.
You make it look like it's magic
'Cause I see nobody, nobody but you, you, you
I'm never confused
Hey, hey
I'm so used to being used
God damn it the song is just appropriate for the state I am in, I want her to fuck me senselessly, I had a rough day and I really don't care if I sound like a little horny teenager, I need her fingers on me, in me, every-fucking-where.
So I love when you call unexpected
'Cause I hate when the moment's expected
So I'ma care for you, you, you
I'ma care for you, you, you, you, yeah
It took me at least five minutes to gather my courage to step into the shower. Slowly really slowly I opened the door and looked inside, her body is a freaking wonderland. I wanted to touch every single part of it, just standing there looking at her made my heart beat faster, my knees started to shake and good damn it I don't know what it was but suddenly it was pretty hard to breathe. I stepped inside behind her, but she still haven't noticed me.