July 2
HARRY
The lights were blinding, flashing in steady intervals across my sight. Just when they would move on, clearing my vision enough to try and focus, they would return, again making it impossible for me to see anything beyond me. I knew I was laying down, complete flat. I couldn't tell if the surface was hard or soft, dry or wet. I felt nothing, apart from the annoying disruption in my sight.
It was a repetition of color...white, then blue, then red. At first I thought maybe it was fireworks, possibly the fourth of July and I had merely fallen asleep, waking to the brightness they allowed. But I heard no sound, no thundering clap at the discharge of the fireworks, the lights too harsh and direct.
Turning my head, I closed my eyes tightly, trying to regain some form of composure, some control over my vision. After a minute, it cleared, and I slowly turned my head back in the direction it had been. Opening my eyes again, I could see clearly, the repetitious lights still rotating, but now above my view rather than directly affecting it.
I was on the ground, concrete and hard, damp from the rain. I could see that it was still falling, drops of water cascading all around me, but I didn't feel wet. I didn't feel the cold or the annoying cling of my clothes to my skin. But I could see, clear as day, the scene around me.
I was laying on my back, arms relaxed and splayed at my sides. My head was turned to my left, and it appeared that I was laying on the shoulder of the road. I could see vehicles beyond me, some recognizable, others not. The most obvious of them was the large, white ambulance, dominating the scene, the source of the annoying and blinding lights. The back bay doors were open, uniformed men stepping up inside, a gurney in tow. The body on the stretcher was covered, completely, with a white sheet. I couldn't see their features, but I felt the panic grip me right down to my core.
The stretcher jarred, jamming against the edge of the ambulance as the medics tried to hoist it up and inside. The disruption caused an arm to fall, hanging lifelessly over the edge. On the wrist, was the unmistakable gold watch. I would know it anywhere. He had gotten it from his company for fifteen years service. I remembered the day he received it, sitting at a big round table at a banquet honoring both him and other employees. I had been only twelve at the time, and remembered clearly how annoyed I was that I had been forced to wear a suit. But I knew that watch.
My father.
The panic that overtook me gripped me like a vice, and I tried to sit up, but couldn't. I could see nothing holding me down, nothing impeding my motion, and yet I couldn't move. I pushed harder, willing myself to move, to sit up, to scream, but nothing happened. The harder I tried, the more afraid I became, and the more impotent I felt.
Suddenly a uniformed knee blocked my vision, a body kneeling in front of me. Looking up, I couldn't make out the face clearly, but it appeared to be a woman. I could tell her lips were moving, her hand placing on my chest. I couldn't hear her, I couldn't feel her.
I felt nothing.
I closed my eyes, willing myself to calm. Get a grip, I told myself over and over. Finally, I forced my eyes open again, staring ahead.
Immediately, her face was in my view, alarmingly close. So close, that I felt myself jar back, shocked and frightened by her proximity. She stared at me with lifeless eyes, her face drawn.
And I heard the words for the first time, said only once, but they continued to echo in my mind.
"They're gone,"
I bolted upright, the freedom of movement surprising and slightly alarming after so much struggling and impediment. I was drenched in sweat, my breathing deep, heavy and ragged. My eyes were wide, paining from the harsh light that streamed into my room from the window at my side. As I turned away from its assault, I tried to close my eyes again. But all I saw was her face, as her words just continued to echo in my mind.
They're gone.
They're gone.
They're gone.
And each time I heard them felt like the first time, a new piece of me ripping away from my already shattered and raw core. I swallowed loudly, trying to calm my breathing as I shuffled back in the bed slightly, sitting myself up. I slouched over, my arms fallen into my lap.
Jesus. Again with the nightmares.
They had started again over the last week, not every night as they had been previously, but still with more regularity than I would prefer. In all honestly, I had prayed they were gone, since they had practically stopped completely after Lane came into my life. She was like a reprieve from my dreams, but yet a dream herself.
I exhaled a long, supposedly cleansing breath. It did little to alleviate the anxiety and fear I felt, however. Unfortunately, I knew the only thing that would give me any form of solace and calm. And that source was a world away.
How had I come here? How had I gotten to the point there I actually sought comfort in another person for the nightmares that I had grown so used to? It was a sad, but all too honest truth that I was used to them. They were regular, to the point where once waking, I wouldn't think much of it past the first few horrific moments. Slowly my breathing would calm, my eyes clearing, and I would settle.
But she had changed that. Without even trying, she had chased them away, and even though it had only been a short time, she had become my escape. I had yet to hold her, to kiss her, to love her the way I wanted, always separated by lands and oceans since telling her how I felt about her. And yet, it was already the most honest and life changing relationship I had ever been in.
It was the only real relationship I had ever been in. And the only one I ever wanted.
Leaning back, I edged myself back between the sheets, falling back against the pillow with a huff.
As with most mornings, nights, days I woke like this, I longed for her. I craved her voice, her scent, her closeness. Even if all we did was sit on the couch and bicker like an old married couple, it was enough for me. Because she saved me, she chased away my fears, and made me feel normal. She made me feel like I could move on, and had something worth moving on to.
God I needed her.
Quickly and instinctively, I reached over to my phone, pulling it harshly from the nightstand. This was my only connection to her for another one hundred and thirty seven days.
As I opened my email app, I hoped for a message from her. Our correspondence in recent days had been sparse, and I prayed it was only because she was busy. But deep down, I knew it was more.
I knew that the other night, the night in the village, had haunted her. She had never seen anything like that before, never been truly prepared for the sight of such loss and horror. She was too pure, too innocent, too kind. And to throw her into such violence and hate would surely scar her as harshly as if she had been attacked herself.
She had called only twice, both conversations forced. She was trying to act like she was normal, like she was dealing and moving on. But I could tell. I knew her better than she realized. I had studied her as she had no doubt studied me, each of us for different reasons. I knew she was trying to ease my worry, knowing if I knew just the true depths of her nightmares I would insist, again and again, that she come home. And of course, she would refuse.
Stubborn girl.
Finally, loading my email, I smiled when I saw a message from her. She had been emailing with moderate regularity, and I hoped that it gave her some comfort for her fear. Because it did for me. Even just seeing her name in my inbox was enough to chase away the remaining flickering images from my own nightmares.
From: Lane
To: Harry
Date: June 30
Subject: tired
Hey you
God I'm tired. We ran an on site clinic today, and it was over an hour and a half drive from the camp. The sun is getting harsher, and I swear I am melting. I think I've lost ten pounds just from sweating all the time.
We saw a lot of people today, which was good. Nothing too shocking or surprising, but I guess I might be desensitized a little. I'm getting used to things here. I cant decide if that is good or bad.
I frowned at her statement. Even she knew she was hardening, becoming less affected. Unfortunately, I didn't have an answer for her as to whether or not it was a good thing. Under her current circumstances, it may be necessary. To put up a wall around herself, protection against the harsh world she was living. But at the same time, her sensitivity, her passion and care was one of the millions of things I loved about her. I didn't want that place to take that from her. I didn't want it to change her.
We are doing another site clinic tomorrow. Its closer, though, which is good. I think I've gotten some really great pictures these last few days. I'm going to try and send you some soon.
Rob sent some of the pictures back to NG from that night. A few were my own. I'm honestly afraid of what they will say. I don't even know if I want feedback on them. If they praise them, it would feel hollow and swallow. But if they criticize them, I will feel like it was all for not.
I guess I'm still adjusting.
I miss you so much. Especially now. I just want to lay with you, have you talk to me, and make me feel safe.
I will be home soon.
Love you more than anything
Lane
I smiled at her sign off, and yet it felt forced. I hated how much the other night affected her, and even more I hated how little I could do to help her. She wanted me there, to hold her and to comfort her, and I couldn't even do that small concession. My role as her boyfriend was to protect her. That was my fucking job. Whether from militia or a damn spider on the floor, it was my job. And I couldn't even do that.
Hitting reply, I set to giving her the only comfort I could.
From: Harry
To: Lane
Date: July 2
Subject: likewise
Hey baby
I'm sure your images are incredible. Everything you do is amazing. I know the other night threw you, but please, try and move passed it. You did everything you could; more than most probably would. You are strong, and amazing, and wonderful. Remember that you made a difference, even if you don't feel like you did.
The site clinics sound cool. Its good to be able to get out and reach more people. You said that a lot have to travel a far ways to reach you. At least this way you come a little closer to them.
I woke up craving you. So I understand what you mean when you say you just want me to lay with you, talk to you, and chase away the nightmares. Believe me. I know all too well. And we will do just that, in only one hundred and thirty seven more days. Yes, I am still counting.
You know you can call me, anytime, anywhere, anyhow. I don't even care if you just want me to read to you until you fall asleep, I will do it. Please don't ever feel like just because we are so far away from each other that I am not there. Because I am.
I love you so much. And I will see you soon
All the love
H