Chapter 33: Illiana
His hands on my waist supported me as we floated in the air, and the gentleness in his eyes soothed my fears. We were not that high off the ground, a small child could easily slip beneath us and not be hit by our dangling feet. However, we were still in the air and my wings barely wanted to move. There was a knot in the middle of my shoulder blades where the wings connected to my body and I could feel the tension and the fear inside of it. I was afraid to fall, afraid to be injured, and no matter how many times he promised that he would protect me, there was a small part of me that was afraid. Until I looked into his eyes.
Why did his gaze always comfort me? Why was it always filled with love and gentleness? Could he ever be angry? I knew he could, I had seen it before, a few times but he had never harmed me in anger. He had never harmed me period. He loved me. He cared for me. I knew that Reginald was nothing like I had expected and when I looked at him, I just wanted him to stay the way he was and never change.
"Just try to flutter your wings, Illiana." Reginald's soft voice interrupted my thoughts and I nodded once with a nervous smile. The knot did not want to disappear, instead it grew and I could feel my wings tensing as well. Helena's words echoed in my mind, I knew that I had to learn so that my siblings could as well, but the question what what I needed to learn. Did I need to know how to fly and use magic, or did I need to know the world for as it really was? And could I really fall in love with Reginald with the fear and doubt of everything inside of me?
"Try not to think to hard. Just think about staying in the air, to not feel restricted by the world below, but reaching to the skies and getting your dreams."
"My dreams?"
"Any dream that you desire." He smiled, his hands tightening slightly around my waist. "A dream that you have to reach for, to strive, and the only way you can get it is by moving your wings."
In a way, it made sense, but would could I want that I could only achieve by flying? My gaze fell, glancing over the vibrant green grass dancing in the wind and the door to the cottage where I knew many men and women worked, preparing the food for Reginald and I to eat before we returned to the palace. In a way, the idea of being able to fly to the palace was something that I would love to be able to do, but it seemed like a dream, something that I would never be able to do. It had to be something attainable, something that I could try to do here, in front of me. But I was only surrounded by trees above me and the ground below. There was nothing here for me to strive for.
I will not allow you to throw away your life.
Helena's words echoed in my mind and I swallowed nervously. She wanted me to believe that Reginald would not harm me, that he would love me, but how could I find that out? How could I find out how he would react if he knew what I wanted to know. Would he change the way he acted, pretend to be someone else, or would he stay the same and allow me to get to know who he really was? Would I even have the chance to be able to love or am I to far gone to even know what it was?
Would he be angry if I attempted to do something of my own free will, to try something that may or may not make sense? Would he allow me to do something that may answer questions that I had been dying to ask but been to afraid? Perhaps it was childish, silly, to want to believe in the books that I read, but they were the only hope that I had that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to understand this world. In all the books I read, in all the characters who claimed they were in love, they would always share a moment, a moment when their lips touched and the world around them disappeared. Would it be the same with him? For us?
Nerves filled my stomach at the idea and my cheeks burned with humiliation. How could I even think about this right now? It was foolish, childish. None of this would help me right now, but at the same time, I wanted to know. After everything that has happened, all the words he had spoken, all the promises he offered, and everything the others seemed to believe, I wanted and needed to know what it was. What I felt inside of me.
I knew the fear and the doubt, I knew the feeling of betrayal inside of me as I thought of my siblings and the pain that they suffered, but there was something else that I did not know. A feeling that I had never experienced in the real world, a feeling that was so similar to that of the ones I had read in the books I once considered fairy tales. Perhaps this was not the best time and that all of it was in my head, but I wanted to know, needed to figure it out now.
My gaze flickered up to him, realizing that he was perhaps a head higher than I was. I knew that could not reach him from where I was and that I needed to fly just a little higher. I could feel my wings flutter once, attempting to move, and Reginald nodded, smiling brightly.
"Just like that, but keep trying. Try to reach-"
My wings fluttered quickly and I could feel them straining against the knot inside of me, but it was enough to reach him.I had, unwillingly, interrupted him as I shot up slightly, just high enough, to press my lips against his. His body tensed and my courage faltered, fear flooding through me. Why, why did I have to listen to such a stupid wish? Why did I question how our relationship was supposed to be? This was not like the books, I was nothing like those characters so it would make sense that it would not be the same. I pulled back, attempting to mumble out an apology, but then his lips were there, pressing against mine and cutting off any attempt at speech.
He was gentle as his hands slid around me, his arms tightening around my waist and pinning me against him. How do I describe what I was feeling as his lips slid away and his head fell to my side, his chin resting on my shoulder as he held me in his grasp. It was not fear, doubt, or any other feeling I had ever known. It was warm, comforting, protective, fulfilling, and so much more. It felt right. Being here, in his arms, it felt like I belonged. Was that really so foolish to believe or was it right?
"Thank you." Reginald's soft voice was as quiet as the wind but it was like his voice exploded in my ears. There was no guard to his voice, no anger in words, only hope that echoed inside of me. But why? Why would this have made him hope and what did he now hope for? There was so much that I did not understand, so much that I could not understand, but I knew one thing. I wanted to stay in his arms for just a little while longer without a single bit of regret.
*
My fingers rose to my lips, brushing softly against the skin around them and wondering why it was that I could still feel the gentleness of his lips against mine. It seemed so familiar, like the ideas in the books I read to escape from the world I once thought was real, but it was so foreign as well. It was like everything that I knew, but nothing I had experienced and I had no idea what to do with what I was feeling. By the time our food was served and we had headed back to the palace, all I could think about was what had happened in the air. The one time that I had attempted to actually fly, the one time I really wanted to, ended in a way that I could never had imagined. I felt like something inside of me had been answered but a million more questions had appeared.
My gaze fell back to the book that I had been studying, attempting to practice and understand the magic for tomorrows lesson, but once again I could not focus. Reginald had practiced with me for a short while before he was called away by his father and my luck then was rarely better than now. How could I understand any of this when my mind refused to say focused and would rather attempt to understand my life here. Why could nothing work the way it was supposed to, why could I not understand what was going on inside of me or what I was feeling?
With a defeated groan, I pushed myself from the chair and turned to stare at the night's sky and the stars that glinted in the darkness. I wished that there was something that I could do to help understand my feelings and the desires inside of me. I wanted to know how I was supposed to be happy here, how I could even attempt to be comfortable here knowing that my siblings were home and suffering. Why could we not all be here, to be safe? Would it then be easier for me?
"My lady?" Isabella's voice sounded in the silence and I turned to her and her worried expression. Her eyes fell to the ground at my feet and I followed her gaze and realizing that the book I was studying was sprawled at my feet. "I apologize, I did not mean to interrupt, but I have a message for you." She smiled brightly as my gaze lifted to hers once more. "Your tutor will not be coming for your lessons tomorrow as something had come up with her family. As such, your lessons have been canceled but she still wants you to practice."
"Thank you." So, I really did not need to read tonight, at least not anymore. Perhaps tomorrow would provide a new chance to focus without the thoughts of Reginald running through my head and the complicated feelings that always seemed to battle within me. At least, I could hope that it would get better.
"May I help you with anything else, my lady?"
"Please, if you will, I would like to get ready for bed." I told her and she nodded once before rushing forward, her bright smile still playing on her lips.
"I can clean up here if you want to go and change."
"Thank you, Isabella." I strolled over to the bathroom, only stopping once at my wardrobe to pull out a night gown and slipped inside to change. A part of me wondered if Reginald would come tomorrow to help me practice or if whatever called him away tonight would keep him to busy. My hand mindlessly drifted down to my wrist, attempting to toy with the small bracelet that I knew was there, but it was not. My gaze shifted down to my wrist in horror.
It was gone. My last connection to my siblings had vanished.