A knock on the door forces me to get up from the ground. I didn’t want anyone but Autumn to see me like this. If it were her, she would have called my name.
I walk over to the door and unlock it. My breath hitches when I see Damon standing in front of me.
I gasp at the look on his face.
I was wrong. So very wrong.
He wasn’t as unbothered as Anya made it seem. Dark circles were under his eyes, his lips were dry, and his face looked like he hadn’t slept in days. What has he been through these past few days without being by my side? Is it possible that he’s like this because of me?
This was not the face of someone happy about their engagement; this was the face of someone who was having doubts.
“Did you eat anything today?” He asks, breaking the silence.
My lips part. Was that seriously the first question he had for me? It’s been days. He’s been ignoring all of my messages. He never once explained what he’d been up to. This is the longest we’ve ever been apart. And this is the first thing that he says to me?
I fold my arms stubbornly and glare at him.
He winced at the look I gave him. Good. I wanted him to know exactly how angry I was at him. It’s the angriest I’ve ever felt.
“Is there a reason you are in my room right now?” I demand. “Or are you here to apologize for something I don’t want an apology for again?”
He swallows and takes a step in my direction. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” I warn him. “I can’t think clearly when you’re near me, and this is the one time I want to be thinking clearly.”
He pauses, and I can see the confusion in his eyes.
“Why are you here, Damon?” I demand. “Shouldn’t you be with Anya picking out more dresses? Shouldn’t you be with her to ensure she’s happy and cared for? Or are you suddenly finished with ignoring me?”
He frowns at me. “Picking out dresses?”
I narrow my eyes. “Isn’t that what you’ve been up to all this time? Spending all your time with Anya? Isn’t that why you’ve ignored me and acted like I no longer exist?”
His jaw clenches, “Austin and Hunter asked for my help. After everything they did for Autumn and Atticus, I couldn’t say no. I’ve been helping them find a groom for Hunter’s sister since Atticus was busy.
Hunter seems to think that his sister is secretly meeting one of the Blackners; he doesn’t want her to get involved with them since the Blackners aren’t allowed to have mates. I wasn’t out with Anya all this time. I don’t know where you’ve heard that, but it isn’t true.”
Of course, Anya lied to me, and I foolishly believed her. It was clear that her dishonest ways didn’t change, even though she wanted everyone to think that she was different. Her lie just made everything easier for me. I knew I wasn’t doing the wrong thing by fighting for Damon anymore. She was the same woman she was in the past.
If she lied to me about this, there was no doubt in my mind that Anya didn’t already know of my feelings for Damon. Of course, she knew. She was intentionally trying to hurt my feelings.
“I came to apologize.” He finally says.
“Of course,” I mumble. “To apologize. Just like I expected.”
“Please let me finish, Clarissa.” He begs.
I don’t say anything. I waited for him to say what he wanted even though I knew I wouldn’t like it.
“I’ve been avoiding this thing between us.” He finally says.
This thing? Was that what he was calling it? Still, this was the last thing I was expecting him to say. I thought he would never acknowledge what happened between us.
“I know that you must think the worst of me. I’ve always protected you from everything. I’ve always tried my best to make you happy. Not once did I ever think I would be the reason that you’re sad. I never thought I would ever be saying no to you.” He explains in a sad tone. “I’ve always thought that I was so protective over you because I saw you like a sister. . .”
“Don’t.” I stop him. “Don’t call me your sister. Never do that.”
He closes his eyes. “That’s the problem. Isn’t it? I don’t see you like a sister. If I did, I would have never done what I did that night.”
What was he trying to say to me?
“I can’t let myself do that anymore. I can’t allow myself to feel anything for you, at least not these inappropriate feelings. There’s no chance of anything ever happening between the two of us. We are supposed to act like family, like siblings, that’s what my parents expect from us, and it’s what outsiders expect as well. If we go against it, there will be plenty of trouble ahead. To avoid anything bad happening, I need you to agree with me. I need you to stop trying to change things between us.”
I can’t believe he’s saying this to me. Does he think that it’s easy to throw away my feelings and act like they never existed to begin with? How weak does he think my feelings for him are? How weak are his feelings for me? Is it that easy for him to push it aside and marry Anya?
“Say something.” He begs. “Please. I hate when you ignore me, Clarissa.”
“And do you think it’s easy for me when you do the same to me?” I demand. “Do you think it makes me happy when you leave home for days and don’t tell me anything? Do you think it doesn’t affect me when you ignore my calls and messages? If it bothers you when I ignore you, why do you do it to me?”
He closes his eyes in pain. “I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings or yours. I needed time away to think. I didn’t want to see you until I was prepared to be near you again.”
“You needed to prepare yourself to be near me?” I ask in horror. “It’s never been that way between us in the past, Damon. We’ve never had these problems.”
“I know,” he whispers. “I hate it. That’s why I want things to return to where they were.”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.” I apologize. “You have no idea how hard any of this is for me. You have no idea what I’ve been through all these years, keeping what was in my heart a secret from you and everyone else.”
I can see the glassy stare in his eyes as he pleads with me.
“Clarissa, I need to protect you.” He insists. “I have to protect you from the things you have no clue would happen if things change between us. Please, listen to me. If you care about me at all, listen to me. Nothing can ever happen between us. Things cannot change. Think about our family and the reports that will hit the headlines as soon as anyone gets to find out that something is happening between the two of us. I’m preventing all of that from taking place.”
“I don’t care!” I snap. “Don’t you get it by now, Damon? Nothing in this world scares me as much as losing you does! You have no idea just how much you mean to me. You have no idea what my heart—”
He grabs my hair and pulls me towards him.
“Don’t say it.” He whispers with his forehead pressed against mine. “Please don’t say it. If you say what’s on your mind, everything will change between us, and I don’t want it to. I don’t want things to change between us, Clarissa. It’s good, just the way that it is. We don’t need to complicate things. We don’t need to bring trouble upon our lives.”
There is complete silence after those words leave his mouth. He’s serious about this. I can’t believe Damon is so desperate to get me to forget about my feelings for him. It hurts.
Why was he so determined to make me forget about everything? Was this because of Anya?
“She’s the one that you love.” I gasp, finally understanding everything. “All this time, I thought that there was a possibility that you didn’t know what you truly wanted. But that’s not true. You want her. You want to marry her. I never stood a chance. I’ve been wrong this entire time.”
I’ve been forcing myself onto him without realizing that I was the one he didn’t want. If he wanted me, he would have fought for me all along.
What the hell was I thinking? I was so blinded by my love that I didn’t take a second to think about him and what he truly wanted.
I knew that Anya would make him unhappy, but if she was what he wanted, I had to step back. I had to let him stay with the person he wanted to stay with.
I pull away from him to walk over to the window. “I’m sorry, Damon.” I apologize. “I’m sorry for everything. I didn’t realize until now that I was wrong for wanting to be more to you. I didn’t realize how unhappy I was making you.”
“Clarissa, you have it all—” he tries to say.
“No.” I snap. “You wanted things to return to normal between us. You’re getting your wish. I won’t try to stop this wedding. I won’t try to be something more. I won’t burden you with talks of my feelings, and I definitely won’t try anything inappropriate anymore. You have made your decision very clear; I’m giving you exactly what you want. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy, Damon. I didn’t want to believe that Anya was your true happiness, but I know now. I won’t make the same mistakes twice.”
He’s about to say something when the door opens.
“There you two are,” Atticus says. “We were looking everywhere for you. We need some extra help with the rest of the decorations.”
I don’t turn to look at them. I can’t let Atticus see me like this. I know there is plenty that Damon still wants to tell me, but I’m done with this discussion. If I stayed any longer with him, I would lose my composure and go straight back to how I acted before.
I couldn’t believe I was indeed giving up like this. It was different when I thought that Damon wanted me as well, but now that I knew he wanted Anya, I couldn’t continue with this.
It was over. Everything was over.