Two days later without any visit from my dear husband, I can finally get out of bed. The Grand Maester Pycelle, back at his post, prepared me a sash and formally prohibited me from raising my arm. So, I can no longer dress or undress alone. I did not dare to tell him about my possible pregnancy, this rumor could spread and condemn me.
If I hadn't come back for the Battle of the Blackwater, I would have stayed with the Brotherhood. Thoros must know a thing or two about abortion. And if he didn't know any, he would just have helped me deliver.
I know I couldn't keep this secret forever. Hopefully, the violent fight against Stannis will have killed the child. I can't believe I think that. A baby is supposed to be happy news.
I just don't want this life for him or for me. I don't want Cersei to take my child and turn him into a new Joffrey and relegate me to the status of laying hen. If I had taken the contraceptive potion that Varys brought me several months ago, we wouldn't be here.
"Ma'am" a man I don't even take the time to look at says on my left.
His voice awakens something in me. Something I had fled deeply because she would have ended up getting my skin. After several long breaths, I finally turn to my interlocutor.
"Sir."
"Diana..." he starts by moving towards me.
"Step back, sir."
"I didn't think you'd be mad at me again..."
"You betrayed me, Petyr. You thought a little retreat in the Stormlands would wash you of all your sins?"
"I thought you would miss me."
He has this little smile so characteristic that reminds me of our first moments together. I also thought I would miss him but that's not the case, these months away from him have done me the greatest good. I was able to realize the hold he had on me, a young woman who came to lose her father, who was far from home, alone.
Except that at that moment, while he gets closer to me until he touches my hand, the only thing that reminds me of reality and prevents me from kissing him is my sore shoulder.
"I'm married, sir" I say backwards.
"I know that ma'am. Even so, your health is more important to me than you think."
"If my health was at risk, I would not walk alone."
"Most certainly."
"I guess we must thank you. For rallying the Tyrells to our cause."
"King Joffrey has already done this, ma'am. He thanked me with Harrenhal."
Harrenhal, although making him one of the greatest lords of the kingdom, is not a gift, on the contrary. It is a ruined castle that no one dares to approach because legend says it is haunted.
"You are the one to be thanked" adds Baelish.
"Why?"
"Everyone is aware of your accomplishments."
"I just helped my men."
"A commanding officer lends a hand, merges into the mass. You fly, wield a flaming sword, and control the water. Your name is in every mouth. Some people already call you "the She-wolf of King's Landing"."
All my ancestors must turn in their graves. But it's good for business. My popularity rating seems to have increased in just about everyone. «Pretty much» because Cersei and Joffrey must already be plotting against me.
♐︎
This discussion with Baelish left me perplexed. Who would have thought that after all this time apart, he would be stupid enough to think I still loved him. I got rid of my feelings for him the moment he left the capital. Someone else has taken over my heart, someone who has been breathing very hardly for days now.
I was told this morning that Tyrion was waking up. Apparently, he had already opened his eyes once but had fallen back almost immediately into a deep sleep. When Maester Pycelle and Sansa authorized me, I went to his apartments to read him some verses, hoping that he heard me in his dreams.
A bandage covers half his face, including an eye. I want the first thing he sees with both eyes to be my red velvet dress and my smile.
When I'm ready, I leave my quarters, accompanied by Arrow. Tyrion no longer being the King's Hand, he was relegated to a smaller, darker room... Another victory for Cersei.
When I go into the Lannister's room, I find Varys, Pod, and... Shae. The young woman is sitting at his bedside. I feel like I arrived at the wrong time in a room where no one wants me. How could I be so stupid? It took a single discussion with Jaime, a man locked in a cage for almost a year, for me to believe myself in love with Tyrion Lannister.
I knew he had a relationship with Shae, he brought her back here. I'm stupid! I was too preoccupied with my own problems to see what was obvious to everyone: that the dwarf's attentions to me are only friendly because he loves Shae, my friend.
Fortunately, the lorathi did not see me, which leaves me all the time to escape without being noticed. Except that on the other side of the room, lying in bed, Tyrion looks me straight in the eye. Does he know? Yes... Obviously. He's the smartest man I've ever met.
Without further ado, I leave the room and start a race against myself. I cross the whole castle to make sure I'm as far away as possible from Tyrion and Shae. I enter the throne room and start screaming.
What a stupid little fool! How could I believe for a moment that he could love me? How could I miss that? We understand him without even talking to each other.
"It's your fault!" I cry, my eyes fixed on the Iron Throne. "It's because of you that we all tear each other apart! If Tyrion almost died, if my father died, if Robb is going to die, it's because of you!"
I put a hand on my mouth to stifle my crying. All because of a very uncomfortable seat.
♐︎
I haven't seen Tyrion since he woke up. Not that I'm avoiding him, not at all. No... My injured arm is the perfect excuse not to attend our meetings. He too is hiding; he has not once left his new room. Shame and fear prevent him from doing so.
All this information comes to me through Bronn. The time I spend with him somewhat compensates for the time I usually devote to Tyrion. Bronn found me that day in the throne room. He took me back to my room and has been looking after me ever since.
I feel a little better every day, thanks to the miraculous remedies of Maester Pycelle and the poems that Sansa reads to me. Shae accompanies her wherever she goes but I still did not dare to look her in the eyes, I am afraid of what he could read.
Today I have an appointment with the new Hand of the King, Tywin Lannister. I have not yet officially met him since his return to the capital and it is important that we maintain good relations. I'm the queen after all. And, hopefully, he can serve as protection against Joffrey.
Joffrey.... We haven't seen each other for a couple of days. In fact, we hardly talk to each other anymore. He fell in love with Margaery Tyrell, and I won't break their romance if she can give me a few days of respite.
I am about to enter the apartments of the Hand when voices reach me from within.
"I want what is rightfully mine."
Tyrion. I'm looking around, figuring out what the best excuse would be for Tywin to postpone our interview. But small flame ignites in me. Curiosity.
And if it allows me to see Tyrion for even a few seconds, I wouldn't complain.
"Jaime is your eldest son, heir to your lands and titles. But he is part of the Royal Guard, he is forbidden to marry or give birth. The day Jaime donned the white cloak, he relinquished his rights to Casterly Rock."
He's taking a break, so I have time to incorporate what he just said. I feel like I'm witnessing his suicide.
"I am your son, your lawful heir."
"You want Casterly Rock."
"Casterly Rock is rightfully mine."
"We will find you a home that will be more appropriate to your rank and condition to reward you for your achievements during the Battle of the Blackwater. And when the time comes, you will see yourself given a position commensurate with your talents. In order to serve your family and protect our heritage."
I feel it bad... Tyrion retreat! Back to base.
"If you serve her faithfully, you will be rewarded with a suitable wife" continues Tywin. "As for me, I would rather see myself devoured by the worms than ridicule our name by designating you heir to Casterly Roc."
"Why?" asks her son, desperate.
"Why?! You dare to ask? You who killed your mother to be born. You miserable deformed and malevolent creature, eaten by lust and envy, rotten with vile malice. Human laws give you the right to wear my name and my colors because I can't prove you're not my son."
Gawking, I dare not move an eyelash, lest Tywin hear it and make me his new scapegoat.
"The gods, to teach me humility, condemned me to watch you go and come from your duck step, bearing the noble lion that my father and his father before him had for emblem. But neither gods nor men can make me watch you turn Casterly Rock into a house of lust. Go away. Now. And never speak to me again of any right you may have over Casterly Rock. Go away."
I hear footsteps approaching and move away from the door.
"One more thing" Tywin stops him. "The next whore I catch in your bed, I hang her."
Tyrion is stepping out of his father's apartment. I walk a few meters to pretend to arrive on the scene but when our eyes cross, the dwarf immediately understands that I heard everything.
"Majesty" he greets me with his head down.
"Sir..."
He passes by me without another word. Surely, he wants to make sure that Tywin can no longer spit his venom. Is this what he has always lived? What his childhood looked like.
I watch him go away, with a heavy heart, wondering how I will face the so-called «king without crown».