"Khud ko bhi main jaan lunga, jo main tujhe jaan lun!"
Two days had passed since the dreadful day Avni had denied her feelings for Neil. To say that she was miserable would mean outright trivialization of her agony. She was wretched & gloomy as her heart felt like it was being ripped apart layer by layer & couldn't stop bleeding at the way she missed Neil & also by his indifference.
They went to the college together & he dropped her back home, he even brought her ice-cream last night & they talked while taking a stroll after dinner. And much to Avni's surprise, Neil actually came across as calm & at peace. As if he didn't long for her even a bit.
Avni knew she was being a hypocrite at the way she wanted him to long for her. That's what she wanted, right? She wanted him to be happy! With her or without her! Then why did it hurt so much? Why did she feel her heart tearing apart at his nonchalant attitude? She didn't know!
At the moment, Avni was going towards the kitchen of the Airbnb they had booked for a mid-week getaway. She was confused when Ali had came up with this plan & he literally ate Avni's ears off to get her agree to it. It was only their usual gang & Avni was pleasantly surprised when Neil agreed to the plan at once!
Entering the kitchen, she saw Neil was already there as he poured cold coffee in two glasses.
N - Uh, you're here! I was just coming to you only! Had something to talk about! - he said making Avni furrow her brows in confusion.
A - What is it, Brinjalhead? - she asked taking one glass of coffee in her hand.
N - I, um, actually wanted to tell you something. - he said as he traced his thumb across the rim of the glass.
A - Hm? - she encouraged.
N - Can we go outside? Let's take a walk? - he spoke nervously.
A - Okay. - Avni spoke unsurely as she wasn't getting a very good feeling about this conversation.
The bad feeling in her gut intensified with every second that passed between them in silence. They were walking in the backyard of the villa they had rented. Neil was disturbingly composed & rigid. His eyes not giving away any emotions that he was feeling & Avni could feel her heart unsettling at his stoic expression.
N - Avnii, I am going to Udaipur. - he finally breathed as he let the words out.
A - What? - she turned to him who was looking at the ground. Par aise achanak? Is everything alright? - she found herself asking.
N - Yes, everything is alright! I'm, uh, Avnii, I'm moving there for the time being! - he looked at her, face not giving away any emotions.
A - Huh? - Avni thought she had definitely misheard what he said.
N - I'll continue my college from there. And, I...I'll be leaving tomorrow! - he inhaled deeply while looking at her.
And Avni couldn't decide if she wanted to laugh or cry at the predicament. She had no qualms into begging him to stay, but what was even the point? She could retain him, but she couldn't retain his heart! Waves of forlorn & vulnerability hit her system as she processed the news he just broke. She felt like she was being stranded in a dark forest. All alone. Lonely. She was being stranded in the dark brown forest of his eyes when he clearly wanted to move on.
A - Great! Best of luck! - she gave him a forced smile as she turned around to move inside the villa. The frustration & helplessness turning into anger now.
N - Avnii, I thought we were talking? - he held her hand.
A - No Neil. We weren't talking. - she jerked her hand back from his hold. You were giving me last minute information about your plans! But, I'm sorry to say I can't join your farewell party anymore. I'm leaving! - she turned to move again, trying her best not to cry in front of him.
N - Tum gussa kyun kar rhi ho? - he held her by her arms this time. His own patience waving off.
A - Toh mujhe dance karna chahiye? - she gritted her teeth. The angry tears on the verge to fall from her eyes. Tumne itna bada decision leliya, mujhse puchha bhi nhi, discuss bhi nhi kiya! You're telling me a day before you leave & you want me to be amicable with you? Well, guess what, Neil? Meri bhi feelings hain! I get hurt too! - she was almost yelling now. Whoever said love was easy, was a liar! Because Avni hadn't experienced anything so painful before.
N - Right. - he chuckled humourlessly as his grip on her arm tightened. You're right! Maine nahi bataya tumko, of course meri galti hai. Humesha meri hi toh hoti hai! When do you think I should have told you, huh? - he was just an inch away now. Avni didn't know if the racing of her heart was because of his close proximity or because of her own hopeless state of mind. Jab tum mujhse bhaagne ki koshish kar rhi thi tab btata? And, I am not a kid, Avni! Jo har decision lene se pehle tumse puchna pdega! I can take my own decisions, okay! - all the pitiful glances of people rushing back to his mind as did the advices that they offered to him.
A - Toh thik hai phir, do what you want! Mere saath time kyu waste kar rhe ho! - she yanked herself out of his hold & stormed inside the villa.
________________
They had not seen each other through out the day as Avni had locked herself up to the confines of her room. It was in the evening that Rhea had dragged her out of the room as the group had planned for a bonfire.
No matter how much Avni tried to conceal her swollen eyelids, Neil could see through the facade of the smile she wore. His heart shattered all over again when he watched her trying her best to look cool & unaffected when her eyes screamed just how much she cared. He wanted to talk to her, but she refused to even meet his eyes.
At the moment, he was sitting opposite her, in between Kabir & Ali while she sat in between Rhea & Dhruv, Saisha being besides Kabir. Sitting around the bonfire, Neil adjusted his guitar in his lap as his fingers gently struck the strings & as if on reflex, his eyes closed.
Tujh bin sooraj mein aag nhi re,
Tujh bin koyal mein raag nhi re,
Chaandaniya toh barse
Phir kyun mere haath andhere lag de ne!
He sang with his soothing voice, no matter how unsettled his heart felt at the moment. Neil usually sang with his eyes closed but he felt like that wasn't going to work for him that time. He needed to look at her, he needed her to know that it was her, he was singing for. It was her that he was holding on to. It was her who was his hope. And, he couldn't afford to lose her. It would simply mean losing himself. All over again!
Kesi teri naraazgi? Gal sunle raaz ki!
Jism yeh kya hai? Khokhli seepi!
Rooh da moti Tu!
Avni felt his gaze burning her at the way he looked at her. As if he yearned for her just as much as she did for him. She was not even angry at him anymore. She was angry at herself that she couldn't become what she had claimed herself to be for him. She couldn't be his anchor, someone he'd turn to when he fell off his axis. Her love wasn't enough for the two of them.
But then why did it feel like he was breaking too? Why did it feel like he was holding himself back from grabbing her by her arms & embracing her as if his life depended on it?
Avni shook her head at her irrational thoughts. She was seeing too much into small insignificant things again! Just because he looked at her while singing couldn't possibly mean that he was singing for her. That he felt for her the same way she did. That he loved her!. He did not! He will not!
Mere saare bikhre suron se
Geet pirouti hai tu!
O Mahiya! Tere sitam, tere karam
Dono lootere lag de ne!
That was the last straw for Avni, she could only take this much. Why was he giving her false hopes of love when he couldn't act upon them. She felt her chest tightening as it became difficult to breathe under his unwavering gaze & the way his smoldering hazel brown eyes never left her face even for a second. She felt raw & exposed. As if he could read every thought that passed through her mind.
Inhaling a shallow breathe, she got up & silently walked towards the private beach that the villa had. Neil's eyes followed her as he sang the last verse of the song.
Adhuri adhuri adhuri kahaani,
Adhura alvida
Yunhi yunhi reh na jaaye
Adhure sadaa!
Avni was sitting on the sand as she hugged her knees close to her chest while watching the water washing off the shore in gentle waves. The water illuminated dark blue shades as it reflected the starry night sky.
Just a few days back, she had confessed herself about her love for Neil under the same starry night sky. Her mind kept repeating the way he had smiled at her & the way her heart fluttered when he looked at her with that smoldering look in his eyes.
N - Naraaz ho? - she heard him say as she turned to look at him. Neil sat beside her on the sand as he nudged her shoulder with his.
A - No! - she smiply said, still watching the waves that crashed on the shore.
There was a thick blanket of silence between the two of them for a while. The only sound being the rush of waves towards the shore & a distant sound of music that came from the place where their friends were.
N - Avnii! Trust me, I'm doing this for us. - he sighed as he looked at her.
A - You think distancing yourself is the only way? - she nearly scoffed at the thought. The fear of losing him rising in her insides.
N - Look at the sea. What do you see? - he asked grabbing her attention. She looked at him with her brows furrowed in confusion. He just smiled as he looked at the crashing waves & exhaled a long breathe. Yeh lehrein chahe kitni bhi door chali jayein, dobara aati lautkar kinaare ke paas hi hain! Tum, mera kinaara ho, Avnii! - he looked back at her. Main agar chahun toh bhi tumse alag reh nahi paunga! You know, I had always thought that why is it always me who has to suffer? Why is it always me who has to lose people I love? I had so many questions. And no answers to them. Phir, main tumse mila! More like tum mujhse mili & you became the answer to all my questions! - he breathed in as he held her hand in his. Bahut saare sawaal aise hain, jinke jawaab mujhe aaj bhi nahi pta hain. Par, jab tum saath hoti ho naa, toh mujhe lagta hai ki main woh jawaab dundh lunga! Agar koi problem hai bhi, toh main usko solve kar lunga! Aur agar nahi bhi kar paaya toh I know that you're always going to be there to hold me through that problem. - he held her face in his palm as his other hand still held her hand. Avnii, tum agar mujhe kabhi bhi nhi milti naa, toh bhi main sirf tumhe hi dundhta! I know ke main tumhe deserve toh nahi karta hun, par Avnii, ab main bahut thak gya hun, khudse bhaagte huye! I don't want to do it anymore. I want to go find myself so that I can give all of me to you! So that I can be with you! Agar ho sake toh please mera wait karlena, kyuki you're the only hope I'm holding on to! - he swallowed down the lump that had formed in his throat as his eyes struggled to look away from hers.
Not having anything else to say, Neil decided to go back to where their friends were so that Avni could have some alone time. Pulling his hands back from her face, he was midway getting up when she yanked the straps of his vest in order to pull him back. Disbalanced, Neil fell on the ground as his palms landed in the sand behind his body in an attempt to steady himself but before he could register what really happened, Avni sat on his lap as she straddled his waist & kissed him while still holding on to his vest.
One of her hands settled at the base of his neck as her thumb pressed against his throat a little while she fisted his hair on the top of his head with her other hand. She sucked on his lower lip as she pressed her upper body against his chest & their thighs brushed against each others'.
Avni increased slight pressure against his throat when she felt Neil not responding to the kiss yet. Feeling his air-flow restricted, Neil finally gained his senses back & realised that she actually was kissing him. As if starved, he held Avni tightly around him as he dragged his hands up her legs & wrapped them around his waist tightly. The sand granules stuck on his hand brushed against Avni's legs, making a trail of rough movements whilst she sucked on his upper lip.
Neil finally responded to the kiss as he licked her lower lip before plunging his tongue inside her mouth & sucking on hers. His hands traced her curves as they went up & down her back, her crop top being hiked up due to their rushed actions.
Avni could feel her stomach clenching as he deepened the kiss & his fingers massaged her scalp. The grip of her legs around his waist tightened on its own when he bit her lip & then sucked on them gently before pulling away.
A - I love you! - she said in a breathy whisper when Neil dragged his nose along the skin of her cheek.
As soon as her confession was heard, Neil's movements stopped on their own accord & he pulled himself a little back, in order to look at her. Into her eyes!
A - I love you, Brinjalhead! And, I'll wait for you. Just please come back soon, okay? - she said softly while Neil smiled at her.
N - I will. - he put his forehead against hers. I will come back. For you, Love! - he whispered.
With her lying on his chest, Neil laid back with his back on the sand as he looked up at the stars. The waves & her breathes providing the perfect music to his ears as her closeness provided him solace.
A - Brinjalhead? - she called.
N - Hm? - he asked as he rubbed his hand on her waist.
A - Please take care of yourself, okay? And make regular calls to Bebe & your Dad. To Ali, Rhea & everyone else. And, if possible, please keep sending me some voice notes of you singing! Aur-
N - Avnii? - he cut her mid-sentence.
A - Yes?
N - We'll be okay! - he kissed her forehead which was lying below his chin.
A - Pakka?
N - Hm!
A - Okay. - she placed a kiss on his chest, right where his heart was & put her head back on his chest.
_____________
The next morning, everyone wished Neil good luck for starting a new phase in his life. Ali had loaded his luggage in the car which was supposed to drop him to the airport.
Ali - Mere phone utha lena time par! - he said as he hugged Neil.
N - Ji, jaisa aap kahein! - he spoke as he hugged him back.
Neil hugged Rhea, Dhruv, Kabir & Saisha as all of them wished him luck. He then looked at Avni who was standing in a corner with her head bowed down as she looked at her feet.
Taking in a deep breathe, he walked up to her & raised her chin up with his thumb, making her look up at him.
N - Rona nahi hai! - he said in a soft voice.
Avni blinked her eyes as her chin wobbled & threw her arms around his neck.
Neil had to steady himself as he stumbled a few steps back with the force she lunged upon him. Chuckling as a lone tear escaped his eyes, he hugged her back as he nuzzled his nose in the crook of her neck while she sniffed her nose against his shoulders, her tears wetting his shirt.
A - Please come back soon! And, take care of yourself, Raajkumari. I'm gonna miss you so much! - she mumbled while he rubbed his hand across her back to soothe her.
N - You take care of yourself, okay! I'll call you. Don't worry! - he uttered with a thick voice as his throat felt raw & eyes stinged with unshed tears.
Avni inhaled a deep breathe as she pulled back & looked at him. She offered him a smile while her eyes were still glassy & Neil no more knew if he could actually live in a place away from her. Sure, he was doing it for her! But was it really worth it when she was in so much pain?
Shaking his head, he reminded himself of his resolve & kissed her eyes softly.
Smiling at her with glassy eyes, he took in a deep breathe & turned around as he walked up to the car. He leaned against his seat as the car started & turned his head to have a last look at Avni.
She waved him a bye while tears were still flowing from her eyes. Soon, the car was out of sight but she couldn't move a step.
Sighing, Ali wrapped an arm around Avni's shoulder as he ruffled her hair.
Ali - Don't worry, Avni! He'll be back soon. Tumse door waise bhi reh nhi payega woh! - he said making Avni look up at him.
Avni didn't know why but she wanted to believe Ali who held a confidence in his voice as if he knew something she didn't.