Sitting on one of the wooden fences, I'm watching Robb and Theon chat. I don't have the heart for the party, I'm too preoccupied. Without being able to control it, my thoughts drift and I begin to imagine what the rest of my life will look like. I see myself alongside Joffrey, the underling of Cersei. The wolf among the lions.
"Everything is fine...?" Jon's deep voice asks me.
"Oh I..."
He sits next to me.
"I've been through worse" I answer with a shrug.
"Do you like him...?"
My eyes widen when I hear these words. I know that Jon is talking about Theon and not Joffrey, which makes it less scandalous. But all the same, this is not a question to ask in front of the main interested.
"It doesn't matter what I want or don't want. I'll do what I must do."
"I know that..." continues my brother. "But..."
"Stop... Please..."
Of course I'd rather run away with Theon, spend the rest of my life with him – if he doesn't talk too much –. Except that, in this case, what I want doesn't matter. I wouldn't risk my family's honor for teenage whims.
"No one will change my mind" I conclude. "I know what I want."
"What you want?" says Theon as he approaches us.
I recognize this smile that is so special to him. I would say that I see envy, superiority, and a touch of sarcasm... It has nothing in common when you don't know Theon. But I assure you, it makes sense.
"Absolutely" I answer, trying to imitate that smile. "What I want."
The arm of the iron-born wraps around my waist, suddenly bringing me closer to him. I raise an eyebrow to try to hide my embarrassment, without success.
"I know what you want..." he whispers in my ear.
I swallowed my breath, not knowing what to say. My heart has accelerated, all my senses are alert and, yet I am persuaded not to be the master of any of my movements. The smell of Theon fills my nostrils. His powerful hand on my waist and his chest glued to mine prevent me from concentrating. I hear Robb's forced cough in the distance trying to separate us.
It is only at the end of what seemed to me to be several minutes and after having laid a kiss on my cheek, that Theon detaches from me.
"I ... must..." I'm not able to articulate something right.
"Is that how you treat my lady?!"
My heart misses a beat when that amazingly familiar voice reaches us. It's a little too sharp to be Joffrey's.
"Arya! You scared me! I thought it was Joffrey."
The little girl laughs away. Arya has always been like that, mischievous, touch everything, mix everything. You never know if she's serious or not. She's always ready for a new joke.
"I thought my time had come..."
♐︎
Night has fallen on Winterfell. Inside the great hall, the party is in full swing. Sitting between Theon and Robb, I try somehow to avoid Joffrey's insistent gaze. I guess that's what my life will look like from now on.
"My lady" he throws as I just put the spoon in my mouth.
I swallow as fast as I can, wipe my mouth, stand up and turn to the prince with a radiant smile. Under the table, Theon's hand tightens on my thigh. Until now, the iron-born had never shown a sign of jealousy, I discover a new facet of his personality which, for the moment, does not pose me any problem.
"I was wondering if you would dance with me" says Joffrey.
"Well... Gladly, my prince."
Delicately, I take Theon's hand in mine. Both he and I are going to have to get used to, not just being separated, but belonging to someone else.
"I'll be back as soon as possible" I whisper to him before I get up.
Joffrey presents his arm. His satisfied little smile makes me want to give him a punch but, after taking a deep breath, I take his arm. The prince leads me to the dance floor, so far unoccupied.
"Do you know the dances of the North, Majesty?" I ask as I positioned in front of him/
"Unfortunately, no."
"I understand court dances in the capital are very formal."
"I learned countless different choreographies that you'll have to memorized to be my wife."
"For now, we are still in the North. Let me show you."
I put the prince's hand on my hip.
"Just follow my steps. 1, 2, 3..."
So, we start to waltz. The waltz is not a dance of the North – it can be but not in this kind of banquet – I only get as close as possible to what he knows in order to teach him a real lesson.
"It's just a waltz" he points out.
"Spin me around!"
The prince obeyed me and, after seeing me laugh, began to understand where I was going. He departs and then comes back to me in a few small, sustained steps, turns in his turn, laughs to the bursts.
There is no "northern dance". Here, no one has time to learn choreography, to recognize that it corresponds to a certain type of song or to worry about the gaze of others. The northern people are free as much in the head as in their steps.
I finally got off Joffrey. I complain, but if he turns out to be so funny and free, I might end up tolerating his presence. People have joined us and someone else is now dancing with Joffrey.
I feel a focused look on me. It can't be the prince. Theon either, he's talking to Robb. I turn on myself to try to find who is spying on me. Then, in a gesture of inattention, my feet intermingle, abandoning me to my own fate. I stumble.
I barely have time to straighten up when a hand appears before me. A small hand. A small arm. A small man. The gnome! I grab his hand to get up and bend in my best bow.
"Thank you, Lord Lannister."
"Lord Lannister?" he laughs.
"Lord... Lord Tyrion..."
I don't know why, but this man impresses me. He is so small and so big at the same time. He has a presence that escapes me.
♐︎
When I return to my place, my gaze meets of another man. A tall and strong man with long brown hair and shoulders covered with black fur like night.
"Uncle Benjen!"
Benjen, my father's younger brother, only comes back to the North on certain occasions. For him, my North is the south. When he was no older than Jon, he joined the ranks of the Night's Watch. This one stands on the Wall, a building of several hundred meters built by my ancestor, Brandon the Builder. The role of the Wall is to protect us from threats on the other side: wildlings, giants, white walker, etc... The role of the Night's Watch's sworn brothers is to protect this Wall. They are, I quote, "the protective shield of the human kingdom."
My bastard brother, Jon, intends to join them one day. The Guard is for all those who have no place in our world, and Jon never found his.
My uncle hugs me.
"Diana... You're becoming a woman..."
He looks at me with a huge, emotional smile. He knows I'm going south. He knows we'll never see each other again...
♐︎
In the corridor, I hear Theon's voice calling me. I know he has been drinking and is no longer in control of himself. In those moments, I prefer not to have to deal with him. Not that he is violent or mean, but rather that he becomes a real moron.
"Wait for me!" he shouts.
I don't want to attract the wrath of the whole castle son I stop in the middle of the corridor to give him the time to join, not without difficulty.
"What do you want?" I ask when he comes up to me.
"You!"
"Shh! Father and mother are already asleep."
I grab his hand and guide him to his room, on the other side of the castle. He protests he wants to sleep in my room, with me. Once in his apartments, I push him on his bed to remove his shoes.
"So?" he says. "You like blondie, huh?"
"Don't call it that, someone might hear you."
"What about the dwarf?!"
His hand grabs my wrist firmly. I see in his eyes that he does not want to harm me. I just find tears. Theon, aware that I am determined to marry Joffrey, someone other than him, suffers.
"Please let go of me..."
"You are mine and I am yours..." he whispers, as if he was speaking only for him. "You said it yourself."
"I was fourteen, Theon..."
I now understand that I love Theon. Since I was ten, I have been in love with him. But since I was ten, I also knew I would never marry him. I have to discover the world, meet new people, live adventures. And, as painful as it is, I have to do it without him.