Trigger warning: self-deprecation, panic-attack like symptoms, talk of self-harm/suicide. This is a heavy chapter, so please proceed with caution. I've included a short chapter summary at the end for those who feel this chapter may not be right for them to read. Please take care of yourselves.
There she was, the girl everyone had spent hours searching for, huddled up in her room alone. A pang shot through Renjun's heart at the sight; Songmin sat curled up with her knees pulled into her chest in the corner between the wall and the bed, not even wearing a jacket in the intense cold. The lamp light barely reached this corner of the room, yet a book was clutched in her hands and her eyes squinted at the text on the pages. She looked so small, so vulnerable.
"Leyi?"
Songmin recognized his voice immediately, but she didn't look up. The book was doing its job distracting her, and she was scared that the moment she looked away from the inked words that were starting to blur together, the thoughts she'd been trying so hard to avoid for months would come back.
Renjun kneeled down in front of Songmin, not daring to go any closer in respect of her space. He could only barely make out anything on the cover of the book; it seemed to be a math history book. Her slim fingers barely held onto it. It tilted at a precarious angle, threatening to fall out of her hands.
"What happened last night? Eunhye was so worried about you when you didn't come home. We were all worried, we thought something terrible might have happened to you."
Worried. People were worried for her. Despite herself, Songmin's eyes slid closed and a tear left her eye, sliding slowly down her cheek. She'd ghosted everyone, selfishly cutting herself off from the world in order to deal with her own stupid emotions. They should've hated her, but they were worried. She hated herself, but they were still worried.
She'd neglected the closest people in her life for weeks and she deserved to be hated and neglected in return, but they were still worried.
Renjun watched, breath caught in his throat, as the tear slid across Songmin's pale skin, catching the light for just a second and shining like a polished pearl. The moment passed and it became just a tear again, tracing down her jaw and dripping down onto the book, creating a small stain on the page. The book tilted forward a little farther, dangerously close to falling.
Reaching forward slowly, Renjun lifted the book from her hands, shutting it silently and setting it down on the floor beside him. Songmin's hands didn't move. Her eyes stayed closed. Renjun tried his question again.
"Last night, what happened? Are you hurt?"
Another tear escaped Songmin's eye, following the same path as the first. Her hands moved, fingers curling into her palms. They shivered visibly, stopping just as fingertips touched palms. Looking more closely, Renjun could see that Songmin's entire body was trembling, shaking so violently he couldn't believe he hadn't noticed it earlier. He pulled the blanket off of the bed and, moving slowly, draped the blanket over the front of the girl. It was thin and barely fended off the cold, but it was better than nothing.
Songmin felt the weight of the blanket settle over her and something inside of her cracked. She'd been avoiding everyone like the plague, leaving her phone on silent and out of reach, leaving the apartment when she was sure Eunhye was gone, traversing in only the emptiest hallways of the university the few times she'd attended classes, centering her days on academics and completely cutting off social contact to deal with the heavy thoughts that had bogged her down every second ever since she'd returned from the hospital. She'd been trying especially hard to stay away from Renjun, refusing to enter the arts building on the way to her humanities class and nearly blocking his number, refusing to answer any of his texts or calls. But he was still being so nice. Why was he treating her kindly? He should've hated her, should've taken his anger out on her. He should've been yelling at her, kicking her, hitting her, beating her for running away from him, for ignoring him and his confession, for ignoring her friends.
But he was being kind, and it was even worse a punishment than any cold-hearted act would've been.
The tears she'd been suppressing for weeks finally broke through. They came one after another non-stop, a release of all of the heaviness she'd carried around with her like a thorn embedded in her conscience. Her fists tightened and silent sobs wracked her body as if trying to cry for help without words.
She couldn't understand why the world was so kind, and it was tearing her apart. She'd been nothing but a terrible person to her family, to her friends, yet people were kind to her. Cutting herself off from the world for the past few weeks had given her time to think, to understand that she was a leech and a burden to those around her, yet they treated her with patience and respect that she didn't deserve, and they were worried.
She should've been spat at, cursed at, beaten, even ignored for what she had done, but the world was kind and it was even worse a punishment than all of the hatred she should have received but did not.
Renjun knew he should've been panicked, but he felt an odd calm as he let his instincts take over, moving over to the wall to sit beside the crying girl. Moving deliberately so he wouldn't scare her, he set his fingers on her shoulder, giving her a chance to move away or push him away if she wished.
Songmin could sense Renjun's touch through her thin shirt. She wanted to tell him to leave, to get out while he still could. He shouldn't have to deal with her problems, not when she'd pushed him away. She didn't want another person to have to take on her burden. But she just couldn't get her limbs to move. She was paralyzed in tears, unable to control herself now that the thin string of mental strength that had kept her in check for the past month had snapped.
Not sensing Songmin moving away, Renjun gently moved his hand further across the back of her shoulders, reaching around her and pulling the blanket so that it wrapped completely around her, sealing her off from the open air. His fingers never leaving her, he slid his arm under the blanket and held her waist in a side hug, inching a bit nearer to offer her a little more warmth in the cold room.
Up closer, Renjun could see how much Songmin had changed since the last time he'd seen her. Although a deep-seated tiredness had always been present, lingering around her like a mist that was almost calming, she looked even more exhausted than usual. The crescents under her eyes were like dark moons, and her sobs held a weakness that should not have been there. Her shoulders sagged and she was slumped completely against him and the wall, as if she couldn't support her own body weight.
The noiseless nature of her crying stirred the most concern in Renjun's mind; although her body quivered with the force of her sobs, it didn't sound as if she were crying at all. The only noise cue indicating a difference from her normal state was the faint sound of her shallow inhales and her short, bursting exhales. The quietness sent a chill down Renjun's spine, and he tightened his grip around her ever so slightly. He'd seen many people cry, but never had he seen anything like this. He could only imagine what she might have gone through in her past to be trained into suffering in complete silence.
He was warm. Renjun was warm and Songmin wished so desperately he wasn't so warm in the cold room. The moment his fingers settled around her waist, alarm bells were set off in her head and her brain screamed at her to get away. It was wrong to let him be there, and her mind wouldn't let her forget it. Oh no, it was wrong and she needed to push him away, get him to leave before he stayed for too long and it would be her fault when she became his burden too. She needed to tell him to go, or she had to leave, before he was too intertwined with her.
But he was warm. The room was cold and she was cold but he was warm. He was warm and secure and safe, and her selfish self wanted to be warm. Against her own will, she leaned back into his side, letting him support her. Her mind cursed at her for giving in to her self-centered desire to be warm, to be safe, but her mental protests seemed to muffle as he held her, his shoulder at the perfect height for her head to settle on it naturally as she cried. Gods, he was warm and safe and secure and real, and she wanted so badly, so selfishly, to be warm again.
"I'm sorry."
Her voice was weak, nearly inaudible as she gasped it out in between cries but Renjun heard it.
"You have nothing to be sorry for."
"No, no, no, I-I'm sorry." Songmin sounded dumb and she knew it, but she couldn't find the words for anything else. "I'm s-so sorry."
"Why are you apologizing?" Renjun said softly, using his free hand to pull the blanket back up onto Songmin's shoulders since it had slipped down. "You haven't done anything wrong, you have no reason to be apologizing."
Songmin finally found the strength to move her hands, setting them on her knees because she didn't trust her arms not to give out if she tried to push herself away from Renjun. "I-I'm forcing you to stay h-here but you shouldn't h-have to be here. Y-you shouldn't have t-to deal with my p-problems." She hated that her crying was making her stutter, but she couldn't stop herself.
Renjun shifted so that Songmin's head would be more comfortable on his shoulder. "You're not forcing me to be here, Leyi. I'm here because I want to be here, I want to be here for you."
"I'm j-just causing trouble f-for you and, and, and everyone e-else," Songmin whispered. "You s-should hate me." She drew her legs in tighter, nearly choking on her words. She brought up a hand to wipe away some tears and the blanket slipped down again.
Renjun shook his head, readjusting the blanket. "I could never hate you. And you're not causing trouble for me, nor for your friends. You've always been wonderful, and we've been really concerned for you ever since you stopped talking to us."
"Y-you should hate m-me for ignoring you." It was weird for her to be telling him to hate her when she couldn't even get herself to get away from his warmth. Why couldn't he take the hint and leave so that she could face fate giving her the evil she deserved alone? "Why a-aren't you angry with, with me? I've b-been treating you terribly, I-I deserve to be p-punished."
"Punishment is the last thing you need right now," Renjun said delicately, "and I don't have any reason to be angry with you. You have been a good friend to me since the start. But please-" he looked at her and had to resist the urge to use his sleeve to wipe away her tears, "-tell me where you were last night. We- I want to know if you were safe."
He wanted to know if she was safe. Why did he have to care so much? "I was a-at a hotel and, and, and I was s-safe." She nearly couldn't get the words out, her effort concentrated on keeping herself from breaking out in a fresh burst of tears.
"I'm glad to hear that." The room was silent for a few moments as Renjun gave Songmin a moment to breathe. Her heaving gasps slowed to sniffles and her intense trembling calmed. Not wanting to overload her with conversation, Renjun waited a few more seconds, choosing his words carefully before speaking, keeping his volume low. "Do you want to talk about what's been going on lately?"
Silence.
The fear that he'd asked too personal of a question suddenly struck. The levelheaded front Renjun had somehow managed to keep up, dropped and he said as calmly as he could without revealing his inner panic, "You don't have to answer me if you don't want to, but it might be a good idea to talk to someone. I can call Eunhye here for you-"
"I went t-to see my parents."
Renjun immediately bit his tongue. Songmin's voice was quieter than before, but it was more stable.
"M-my mother called and told me my father w-was hospitalized. I went to the hospital t-they were at and when I got there, I-I-I found that Ba was, was...dead."
A cold shock trickled through Renjun's body at her words. Hugging her a bit tighter and leaning his head onto hers, he whispered, "I'm so sorry. It must have been terrible."
Tremors began wracking Songmin's body as the memories of that day at the hospital resurfaced, weakly at first but growing in intensity. Ba on that hospital bed, his face frozen in that semi-peaceful that hadn't stopped haunting her after the visit. His eyes closed, his hands beside his body as if he were sleeping and would get up any second.
But he was dead. It was the little details that screamed death, and Songmin felt her throat tighten to a near close as the image gained vividness. A lifeless stillness, not single twitch. A stiffness, stiffness only a corpse could possess. A frozen chest, never again to rise and fall with the movement of living lungs. The absence of his signature scent, the most terrifying detail. Not a whiff of liquor in the air when all he'd ever smelled like was his favorite drink. Not a single bottle of liquor in sight, and she knew he was really gone.
The thought and memory made her want to scream. As if her body couldn't handle the strength to scream, the strong urge to break down again swept over her. She forced herself to choke out more words, hoping it would at least keep her from losing the little composure she held onto.
"Then M-Ma asked me to move in with h-h-her back into t-the village, and I s-said no." Her terribly fragile self-control was fracturing, and in reaction her speaking increased to a frantic quantity, her volume decreasing as more words spilled from her rambling lips and tears spilled from her closing eyes. "How c-could I say no? If I had any r-r-respect for her I would've s-said yes, if I had a single t-trace of love f-f-for her I would've said yes. B-but I said no! How c-could I have b-b-betrayed Ma like that, s-saying all that stupid stuff a-about not wanting t-t-to give up my life? I acted t-terribly, I should've agreed. N-no, I should've been t-there for them f-from the start. I should've c-checked in on them m-m-more after I left for university, I-I should've kept a-an eye on their health, on B-ba's health. Maybe if I-I'd been there, Ba-" the words nearly froze in her throat and they barely managed to make it out as a gasp, "-B-Ba might be a-a-alive."
Her voice dropped to a feeble exhale and whatever strength she had all seeped away in an instant. "I'm the reason B-Ba died, and now I've g-gone and b-betrayed Ma."
Renjun pulled Songmin closer as sobs ripped through her anew, an oddly negative feeling he couldn't quite put a finger on starting to pool in his chest. "I don't know your whole story, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that you are not the reason your father passed away, and you have not betrayed your mother. You're so young and you're still figuring things out. You shouldn't have to feel any guilt about not wanting to live with your parent right now."
"B-but Ba," Songmin demurred. Her voice no longer seemed to be able to rise above a quiet sigh. "I should've p-paid attention, s-should've helped him s-stop d-drinking. I could've d-done something. I c-could've helped him quit a-a-alcohol, I,I could've prevented e-everything."
"Leyi, don't do this," Renjun pleaded, finding it harder to contain a building frustration but concealing it perfectly. He knew what the negative feeling in his chest was now: it was anger. Anger at Songmin's mother and father, people he'd never even met. He was angry, angry that they'd made Songmin feel this way towards herself. It all made sense now; he thought back to the flour incident at Chaeyoon's and the way Songmin had reacted when they'd dropped the flour container. The way she'd thought Renjun would hate her for making a simple mistake, the way the horror movie had affected her at the theatre, and now the way she was talking down about herself.
Her parents must have hurt her, and it was making him angry.
She of all people did not deserve it. Songmin, who was kind and intelligent and considerate, did not deserve all of the pain that'd been inflicted on her and Renjun was feeling the irritating impulse to rip into pieces the people who'd hurt her, whether or not they were her family.
But he would not let himself reveal it to Songmin, not when she needed him to be composed. "Please don't blame yourself for things that you aren't at fault for. You can't help or please everyone, and you shouldn't keep torturing yourself over it. I know how I feel doesn't matter in the slightest right now, but I can't stand seeing you hurt like this. People have hurt you and you've been so strong to try and deal with it on your own, but please don't hurt yourself more by lingering in the past and tearing yourself down."
"I-I don't deserve t-t-to move o-on," Songmin cried with a sudden strength, pushing into Renjun with the force of her words. "I've m-made t-t-too many mistakes and i-it's time that I g-get the punishment I d-deserve. For w-what I-I've done, I deserved t-t-to die with B-Ba! Why couldn't I-I just d-die? I've tried s-so hard, and w-when I c-c-couldn't do it the f-first time, I even tri-tried again. I t-told myself I deserved it, t-t-that I should join B-Ba for n-not caring more a-a-about his h-health. I knew that things w-would be b-better off if I were gone, so M-M-Ma wouldn't have to live w-with the shame of a r-r-rogue daughter and Eunhye w-would stop having s-s-someone leech off of h-her and, and Mrs. Ki c-could find a b-better e-e-employee and all o-of the opportunities I-I've gotten c-could be p-p-passed on to p-people who deserve it m-m-more than I do. B-but I-"
Songmin took a gasping breath, her lungs crying for oxygen and jaw aching as the intensity of her words crashed, the sudden fire she'd had snuffed out like a candle and bringing the strength of her voice down with it. "I c-couldn't do it. A-as soon as I f-f-felt myself starting to c-choke, I p-pulled myself out of t-t-the water like a c-coward. I thought b-being in the hotel w-w-would help. I t-thought maybe I couldn't f-face d-d-drowning here in my o-own home, so I-I went to a hotel l-last night and I w-was so close but I-I still couldn't d-d-do it. I'm s-such a coward that I c-can't e-e-even carry out the punishment I-I deserve for being a t-t-terrible daughter and a waste o-of space."
Cold dread poured over Renjun from head to toe at Songmin's words, his eyes widening and his heart stopping as the heaviness of what she'd said sunk in.
She'd tried to kill herself.
Left to her own devices, she had tried to take herself out of this world without a word to anyone about what she was doing. And no one had been there to stop her.
"Leyi, why would you..." Renjun couldn't find the words to finish his sentence. He looked down at her, searching her face as if hoping to find any indication that she was joking, that she was playing a terrible prank on him. But he only watched as her eyes closed, her face glistening with tears. There was not a single hint of hilarity in her expression, only shame, guilt, and exhaustion.
No longer restraining himself, Renjun brought his free hand up to Songmin's cheek and very gently wiped the tears away, trying to find the right words to say and deal with his shock at once. "I-I'm so sorry. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully understand the pain you're dealing with right now, but you don't deserve to die because of it. The world needs you, Leyi, even if you feel like it doesn't. There are many people who care for you, and all of us need you here. Eunhye, me, Chenle, Jisung, Jaemin, Mark, Donghyuck, Jeno, Chaeyoon, all of us want you around, need you around. So many people love you no matter what you may think, and you still have so much life to live." Brushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear, Renjun whispered shakily, "Please don't ever think you don't deserve to live. The world needs you and even if you refuse to believe that, at the very least know that your friends love you and need you."
The soft brush of Renjun's finger against Songmin's ear and cheek brought a surge of panic to the girl and her heavy eyelids lifted. "S-stop it." Her muscles ached, her throat burned, and a pounding was starting to build in her skull but the sensation of Renjun's fingers around her waist and his fingers on her skin wiping her tears suddenly became very vivid. She still couldn't get herself to get up but finally found the strength to reach up and weakly push Renjun's hand away. "Stop b-being nice to m-me. Stop doing things t-t-that make me l-love you, that m-m-make me want to l-live, when I-I shouldn't."
Renjun froze, all traces of shock and dread he'd felt just moments before draining simultaneously. Songmin's voice was so quiet that he couldn't help questioning if he'd heard her correctly. She was still crying and he couldn't afford to mentally flatline now but he didn't know how to react.
The sound of blood rushing loud in her ears and a cacophony of panicked thoughts pounding in her head, Songmin desperately wished Renjun would let go of her. She tried again to summon the strength to get up and leave, but her limbs still refused to move and in her frustration, words dripped from her lips like an unfixable leaking faucet. "I'm n-not ready. I-I like you and it's n-n-not going away and I don't k-know what to do. I-I don't h-have my own place a-anymore, I have t-to focus on my s-s-studies, I have to fix t-things with Ma, I have t-to get a b-better job, I d-don't e-e-even know if I s-should keep l-l-living." Her crying gained momentum as her hectic ranting picked up speed. The words just came pouring out, the pent-up thoughts that Songmin had been storing away for weeks finally finding their way out into the open. "I-I'm only e-eighteen, I still need time t-t-to mature. I s-still need to pull m-myself together, figure out m-m-my own life and e-emotions! I d-don't want to h-hurt you just b-b-because I can't figure out m-my own i-issues. I-I-I'm not ready to b-be in love yet. I can't l-love you, n-not now."
A jumble of emotions rushed Renjun all at once, nearly overwhelming him. His embrace around her loosened.
She liked him back.
He wouldn't have believed it if she hadn't just said it herself. She liked him and the knowledge of it made blood rush to his cheeks and his heart raced.
But she wasn't ready. The words made his stomach drop and his racing heart cracked a little. She didn't want to love him, not yet. He wanted to get to know her, to love her in the open and to have his love be reciprocated, but she was going through so much and she wasn't ready.
And he would respect it. Taking a deep breath to calm himself, he spoke. "I understand completely. I will never make you act on your feelings if you're not ready. Take as much time as you need, you deserve it. If you decide you're ready, I'll be waiting. If you-" he paused, gulping down the lump that had formed in his throat at the prospect of saying his next words and forcing them out despite how difficult it was, "-if you fall out of love with me, I will respect it and I'll continue to be your friend. If you want me to go away, say the words and I'm gone. Whatever you decide to do, know that I'll respect your decision regardless. I don't ever want you to feel like I'm forcing you to do anything you're not ready for, and you should take as much time as you need to decide."
A short moment passed before Songmin replied, her words followed by a small hiccup. "Thank you."
The words were barely detectable but brought a ghost of a smile to Renjun's lips. "Of course."
They dissolved into wordlessness and the two of them sat there together in the quiet, dark room. Neither of them spoke a word and neither of them noticed as their breathing slowly fell into the same rhythm. The minutes ticked by and Songmin's tears eventually began to dry, her breath naturally falling into step with the rising and falling of Renjun's chest and shoulders as the tension in her body released itself.
Noticing as Songmin settled, Renjun drew his arms back from around her. "Have you had anything to eat today?" he asked gently, helping Songmin transfer her body weight from him to the bed on her other side.
As she moved, Songmin shook her head in answer to his question, missing the warmth of Renjun's arm around her despite herself as he pulled away. Making sure the blanket stayed over her so that the cold didn't get back to her again, Renjun stood up, picking up the math history book from the floor and setting it on the bed. "I'll be right back with something for you to eat, okay?" Giving her a small smile, Renjun left the room, Songmin watching as his figure disappeared behind the bed and out of the room.
Summary: Renjun finds Songmin alone in her room. Songmin talks about feeling guilty over her father's death and refusing to move in with her mother, as well as her attempts at self-harm due to her heavy feelings. Renjun reminds her that she is loved, and his comforting prompts her to confess that she likes him but she isn't ready to be with him. He tells her that she should take as much time as she needs to sort out her feelings and that he will respect her decisions no matter what.
A heavy chapter. I hope this one was okay for those of you who read it all the way through. This was rather therapeutic for me to write, but I know it can be difficult to read and I hope that the trigger warning at the beginning was encompassing enough. Please remember to take care of yourselves, drink lots of water, and know that I love you for being here <3