Blinding rage mixed with bitter despair spurned you on as you navigated the halls to your room. The hopes and dreams you had a mere hour ago were now just jagged shards stabbing through your heart. Once you reach your room, you locked the door behind you and flung yourself onto the bed. Your eyes squeezed shut as the image of Bucky laughing and holding the redhead close assaulted your mind. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't get rid of the image. image.
Your eyes began to water, which pissed you off even more. You didn't want to cry. You wanted to hit something. To destroy something just the way that Bucky had destroyed you. You swiped at your eyes angrily and pushed yourself up to a sitting position. Hiding in your room wasn't going to change the fact that Bucky had moved on. It wasn't going to make your heart break any less. You had three years to make up for and you couldn't let what happened with Bucky take any more time away from you.
As much as losing him hurt, you had other things to live for now. If your time in captivity had taught you anything, it was that you needed to live your life while you had the chance. Wallowing in the darkness of your room was useless. Bucky and his new girl could go fuck themselves. You had better ways to spend your time.
You stood from your bed and walked into the attached bathroom to wash your face. Once you were done, you left your room and made your way back to the common room. As you got closer, you could hear raised voices. The voices were easy to identify, but it didn't matter why they were arguing. You just wanted to go to dinner with your parents and catch up on everything you'd missed. However, you were curious about the conversation, so you hung back and listened for a moment from the hallway.
"How the hell is she alive?" Bucky asked.
"It doesn't matter how. All that matters is that she is alive. Not that you give a shit, though, right?" Tony said harshly.
"You know that isn't true, Tony."
"Do I? You've been getting awfully close to Autumn lately."
"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about." Bucky countered.
"All I know is that my daughter is in love with you. God knows why, but she is. Then there's you. Saying you love her, but strutting around the compound with another woman on your arm."
Tony's tone was laced with venom. Your dad and Bucky both had a temper, and you knew that things were going to escalate quickly if you didn't intervene. You took a deep breath and then swung around the door frame and called out to your dad. You made sure that your eyes never strayed to Bucky.
"Dad, let it go. I'm fine." You smiled softly at him.
"Doll, can we talk?" Bucky took a step towards you, but you held your hand up while still avoiding looking at your dad.
"Do you think we could go to dinner, Dad? You, me, and mom?" You said, ignoring Bucky's question.
"Of course, honey. We can go now if you want." Tony stepped up to you and wrapped his arm around your shoulder.
He turned you towards the door and held his hand out for Pepper to take.
"Y/n, please." Bucky pleaded from behind you.
Your dad squeezed your shoulder reassuringly and continued walking you out of the room.
"Thanks, Dad. The compound is feeling a little suffocating at the moment." You said loud enough for Bucky to hear.
~
Bucky watched you walk out of the room with your parents and away from him without a second glance in his direction. Walking into the compound and seeing you standing there was like a dream. He'd wished for it so many times, but thought it was impossible. After the incident where he'd thought you died, Bucky was inconsolable.
It'd taken months for him to talk to anyone. Then a year before he returned to his normal duties at work. It took two years for him to finally accept you weren't coming back. The last year he'd spent coming to terms that he'd have to live life without you. He knew that he couldn't seriously date anyone and he found it highly unlikely that he'd ever find someone he would want to spend his life with, but sometimes the loneliness was too much to bear. That's where Autumn came in.
She was a new agent who had been going through training for the last year. Within a few weeks, she'd complete her training and be moved to her permanent assignment. Bucky knew that their arrangement would come to an end since she was being transferred to SHIELD's European division, but it didn't bother him. Autumn wasn't you and he didn't see a future with her.
She was nice and made him laugh, that was it. A couple months into her training, she began asking him to have dinner with her or invited him out for drinks. At first he resented her for that. He didn't want anyone but you. Even though he knew you weren't coming back, he still didn't want to move on. She was persistent though, and Bucky eventually took her up on her offer.
They hung out, talked, and laughed at first, but then it turned into a friends with benefits situation. When she first approached him about wanting something more than just his friendship, he was quick to turn her down. He avoided her for a few weeks because he didn't know how to act around her after that. He thought about her offer often, telling himself that he couldn't do it, but during the night, he'd find himself considering it.
The nights were hardest for him. They were lonely and his mind raced unforgivingly in the darkness of his room. He missed the weight of your head on his chest and your warmth cuddled into his side. He craved to hear the sound of your soft breathing as you slept in his arms. There were nights where the need for you consumed him so much that he'd spend the night crying until the sun came up. He needed something–or someone–to take his mind off of missing you.
She finally cornered him one day and begged him to talk to her. Bucky gave in and explained why he'd said no. He told Autumn how in love with you he still was. How much he missed you. He even told her about the future he'd never get to have with you. Autumn listened and consoled him when talking about you became too much. She said she understood and wouldn't bother him about the matter again, but Bucky stopped her.
He told her that he wanted to try the arrangement, but that it would never go beyond that. He would never consider a relationship with her, so if that was a problem for her, then she needed to walk away before they started. Autumn quickly agreed, stating that she was focused on her career, so she wasn't looking for anything serious. Bucky didn't know that six months later you'd be standing in front of him, alive and ready to pick up where the two of you had left off.
Bucky's head was swimming with a storm of emotions. The only thing he wanted was to run after you and explain the situation. Even if you cursed him out or slapped him again, he needed you to know that he hadn't forgotten you. He hadn't moved on.
"Was that the girl you were telling me about?" Autumn's voice cut through Bucky's thoughts. "The one you were in love with."
She approached him and touched his shoulder, but Bucky flinched away from her.
"Am in love with. I still love her, Autumn, and you know that." Bucky's words were sharp.
"Babe–"
"Stop." Bucky cut her off. "This is over."
"W-what?!" Autumn balked at his words. "Bucky, think this through."
Bucky whirled around and pinned her with a cold glare.
"There's nothing to think about, Autumn. Y/n is back–and after what she just saw, I'm going to have to get on my knees and beg her to forgive me."
"What about me?" Autumn asked incredulously. "Don't I get a say in this?"
"No." Bucky said harshly. "You knew this was temporary. You knew that this wasn't a relationship. I told you it would never go that far, so if that's what you think this is, then that's on you."
Bucky's voice grew louder with each word, making Autumn's face grow red with anger. The rest of the team was still sitting around the room, watching the two stare each other down. Steve began to intervene, but Nat stopped him. She hadn't liked Autumn from the start and thought it was a mistake for Bucky to get tangled up with her, but it wasn't her place to say anything. There was just something about Autumn that made Nat uneasy. In her opinion, Bucky needed to cut the cord and fast. If it meant a screaming match between the two of them, then so be it.
"Bucky, we both know this became more than the two of us hooking-up. Just admit that you have feelings for me."
"Are you delusional?! I don't feel anything for you, Autumn. We were friends who slept together occasionally. That's the definition of 'friends with benefits'. There are no feelings involved."
"Bullshit! Things were going great before Y/n showed up again!" Autumn screamed.
Now it was Steve's turn to stop Nat. Her fists were clenched and her lips were set in a hard line.
"I'd watch what you say, malyshka (little girl)." Wanda seethed. "You have no right to speak on things you know nothing about."
Autumn spun on her heel to face Wanda.
"Oh, but I do know. I know how you all thought she died, how you all mourned her loss, and now she's back throwing a wrench in everyone's lives." Autumn scoffed and crossed her arms in defiance. "If you ask me, maybe it would've been better if she stayed de–"
"I'd choose my words very carefully if I were you." Wanda's voice was dangerously low as she spoke.
"You know it's true." Autumn replied.
Wanda rose from the couch as her powers began to emanate from her fingertips. Before Wanda could do anything, Bucky grabbed Autumn by the shoulder and spun her around to face him once again.
"She's not throwing a wrench in anything. We're surprised, confused for sure, but happy that she's fucking alive. If you don't watch what you say, I'll have Fury dismiss you from the program and drop you back down to a junior agent. Y/n is a respected and loved member of this team and everyone in this compound would trade you for her in a heartbeat."
Bucky's eyes narrowed at Autumn as he spoke. Clearly she needed to try another tactic, so she shoved her anger down and shook her head slightly. Sighing heavily, she looked up at him with an apologetic smile.
"Baby, I'm sorry. I just–I don't want to lose you. We have something good going and I didn't mean anything I said. I was just upset." Autumn forced tears to line her eyes as she continued to speak. "Of course it's amazing that she's home. That doesn't mean that we have to end this...us."
"There's no us, Autumn. There never was. I don't see what you aren't understanding about that."
"She's not going to take you back, Bucky." Autumn said gently. "She knows that you abandoned her. She knows that you've moved on. It's a lost cause, babe."
"Stop calling me that." Bucky gritted out. "She may not forgive me, but I don't care. I'm not giving up on her. Not this time."
Without another word, Bucky turned and walked away from her. Autumn's jaw clenched as her anger flared again. The rest of the team began walking past her to leave, with Wanda and Nat both shoulder checking her on their way past. When she was alone, Autumn grabbed a book laying on the coffee table and hurled it at the opposite wall.
She had spent months trying to get Bucky's attention. Friends with benefits was never Autumn's end game. She wanted far more from Bucky and that's what she planned on getting...no matter what she had to do to get it.
~
Dinner with your parent's was exactly the thing you needed to get your mind off of Bucky. You explained everything that had happened from the explosion, to how you hid, waking up with the Russians, what happened during your captivity, and how you escaped. Tony and Pepper had every emotion imaginable mare their features as you spoke, but in the end, they were just thankful that you made it home to them.
You stayed away from the topic of Bucky, but inside you were burning to ask the questions that were piling up in your mind. On the way home, it took more strength than you would have liked to avoid thinking about him. You were about to be under the same roof as him again. That was all you wanted just a few hours ago, but now it felt like the sprawling compound was just too small. There were too many chances to run into him and it made you uneasy.
Tony and Pepper walked you to your room when you reached the compound and then left you to get settled for the night. You tried sleeping, but all you did was toss and turn. Around midnight, you got up and threw on leggings and an oversized sweater then slipped into your shoes. You wandered through the halls on autopilot until you reached the ground floor. It wasn't clear where your feet were taking you until you were approaching the shore of the lake. You couldn't help but chuckle as you realized where you were. Three years and you still navigated the compound and the grounds as if you had always been there.
The lake was always the place you came to think, especially at night. It was calming and you liked the way the moon reflected off of the rippling water. You sat down on one of the large rocks lining the shore of the lake and closed your eyes. The night was chilly, but still pleasant, and the sound of the water and leaves rustling in the trees eased the tightness in your chest. At least, it did until you heard shoes scuffing against the rocks.
You twisted around and looked behind you, ready to fight the intrude if need be. Bucky froze as your gaze landed on him. Your mouth turned down into a scowl and you quickly turned back to face the lake. This was the last thing you wanted to deal with.
"Go away, Bucky."
"Doll–"
"I told you that you don't get to call me that anymore." You deadpanned.
"I'm sorry. Y/n." Bucky replied softly. "I was on the roof and I saw you walking towards the lake. I wanted to make sure you were okay."
"Why do you care? You have little red now. No need to worry about me."
"I'm not with her, Y/n."
Bucky moved over the rocks until he was standing beside you. He sank down slowly and sat a few feet away from you. He wanted to get closer, but he also knew that you needed space.
"Could've fooled me. You two look pretty chummy."
"Please let me explain." He begged.
You cut your eyes in his direction. His brow was furrowed and his blue eyes were shining in the moonlight. Your heart fluttered and you cursed at it internally.
Traitor.
"You have five minutes." You finally said and fixed your gaze back on the lake.
Bucky sat silently for a moment before finally speaking.
"When I thought you died, I was destroyed. I isolated myself from everyone. I didn't want to live anymore, so I told myself you were still alive. It was the only thing that got me through the days without you."
Bucky's voice broke and your heart seized painfully in your chest. You squeezed your eyes shut to stop the tears that were beginning to form. The last thing you wanted was for him to see you cry. You needed to be indifferent. It would make moving on easier for you.
"I didn't want to accept that you were gone, but eventually I faced the truth. Well, what I thought was the truth. It didn't help the loneliness I felt though. At first, I stayed away from Autumn, but the more we worked together, the closer we became. She was just a good friend that I'd grab dinner with or hang out with when I couldn't stand being alone anymore.
When she proposed a friends with benefits relationship, I distanced myself from her. I couldn't even imagine saying yes to her..."
"Seems you got over that real quick." You muttered as you pulled your knees up to your chest and wrapped your arms around your legs.
"Y/n, I swear to you that my decision to go along with it wasn't because I had feelings for her. I was lonely and it took my mind off of missing you. That's it. I have never and will never have feelings for Autumn." Bucky took a chance and scooted closer to you. "You are the only person I will ever have those feelings for."
"Mhm, sure."
You swallowed the lump in your throat as your eyes burned with unshed tears. Bucky reached his hand out to touch your arm, but you flinched away from him, eyes squeezing closed again. The thought of his touch made you sick. Bucky retracted his hand and sighed heavily.
"I never felt anything for her, Y/n. I swear. I was just having a really hard time without you."
"You were having a hard time?!" You twisted to face him, eyes burning with anger. "YOU WERE HAVING A HARD TIME?"
You rose to your feet and glared down at him as your voice grew louder.
"I was tortured every day! I thought they were going to kill me with every volt of electricity, every cut they made, every bone they fucking broke. And do you know what got me through that? Do you?!"
You were screaming down at Bucky, tears of rage cutting crooked paths down your cheeks. Your words sliced through Bucky's heart like a red hot knife. Hearing just a fraction of what you'd gone through was killing him. He wanted to take you in his arms and tell you everything was okay, but you wouldn't let him. He couldn't blame you, but it didn't make it hurt any less.
"You. The thought that I would escape and I'd make it home to you! That's what pulled me through. But if I had know you were busy getting your dick wet, I would've just begged them to fucking kill me. At least I wouldn't have to live with the fact that you lied to me."
"I never lied to you, Y/n." Bucky said softly.
"But you did! The first time you told me you loved me, you said that there would only ever be me...but after me there was Autumn."
A small sob broke past your lips and you quickly sucked in a breath.
"I can't do this with you, Bucky. I have been through hell for the last three years, but what I felt when I saw you with her is so much worse. Please leave me alone from now on."
Bucky scrambled to his feet as you turned around to leave. He ran in front of you and stood blocking your path back to the compound.
"Y/n, I know that you're hurt, but I can't let you just walk away. I can't lose you again. I won't. Mine and Autumn's agreement is over."
"I don't give a shit, Bucky. Fuck her, date her, dump her. I. Don't. Fucking. Care. Just stay out of my way."
"I told you, I can't. Having you in front of me, being able to touch you, seeing your face, hearing your voice. It's everything I've dreamed of for the last three years and I'm not letting that go. I'm going to show you that you are the only woman who has ever mattered to me."
"Save yourself some time and let it go, Buck. Whatever we had before I was taken is done."
You looked up at him for a moment before pushing past him and walking back towards the path to the compound. As you stepped off the rocks onto the dirt, you heard Bucky call your name.
"I don't care what you say, Y/n. I'm not giving up and I'm not letting you go. You are the only thing that matters to me and I'm going to prove it to you. I love you, doll."
You didn't stop to look at him, but your pace slowed as you listened to his declaration.
~
Autumn scowled at you as you passed her position in the trees. She hadn't meant to follow you, but when she saw you wandering the compound, she thought you might be looking for Bucky. She watched you exit the back of the compound, but didn't follow you out. When you disappeared into the trees, she was going to head back to her room, but then she saw Bucky coming down the stairs.
Autumn moved into the shadows and watched Bucky follow the same route you took and she knew that he had seen you leave the compound. Curiosity got the better of her and she slipped out the back door, following him from a safe distance. When she saw Bucky approaching you, she slipped into the trees where she would be concealed, but still be able to observe the two of you.
Hearing Bucky's declaration to win you back sent a stabbing pain through the center of her chest. She always thought Bucky was attractive, which is why she went after him in the first place. After spending time with him both out of and between the sheets, she'd begun falling for him. If he'd give her a chance, she could make him happy. Now that you were back, her dreams of a relationship with him were fading fast.
She needed a plan and she needed one fast. Bucky could be persuasive and, regardless of what you say, Autumn could see how much you loved him. She knew who you were the moment she saw you. When she started to become attached to Bucky, she did research on you. She needed to know what it was about you that made Bucky fall for you.
Autumn saw the way your face transformed when you saw Bucky's arm around her. She saw the hope and happiness drain away. She saw the hurt and anger take root within you. She needed it to stay that way. Without those feelings sticking around, Autumn knew Bucky would be able to earn your forgiveness.
She had a new mission and it was to destroy you until there was nothing left.
A/n: I'm currently working on Part 3 now and I'm really trying to have it up this weekend. Enjoy!