It had been almost three months since Shawn had told me his big secret. I was sure that he had no regrets about telling me, in fact, our relationship had actually strengthened as a result. I hadn't been mad or disgusted like he expected I would be. Instead, I had been sympathetic and understanding. My reaction to his story was the exact opposite of what he had anticipated.
The two of us were currently snuggled up on his couch, watching Netflix. Shawn had discovered this new show called The 100. He believed it was the best show on the air, but I showed no interest in it. I wasn't really into the post-apocalyptic thing.
Whenever we watched The 100, Shawn kept his eyes glued to the TV. He become completely immersed in the characters and plot line of the show, unaware of anything else happening around him. Even if I were to try to talk to him, I would only be a faint buzzing within his consciousness.
Shawn's lanky body was spread across the couch, his feet dangling over the edge and his head resting on my lap. He was lying on his left side, so his right cheek was facing up at me. I gazed down at it, examining the small scar that presided there.
I had noticed it when I first met him. It was small, right below his eye. For the longest time, I had never asked about it. It didn't seem to matter. It was an insignificant blemish. Nothing but a tiny imperfection, like a scar one would get from cutting themselves while shaving. But little had I known that every time Shawn looked at himself in the mirror, it burned his eyes. It was a constant reminder of the struggle and pain that he had encountered. It was a battle scar.
Ian Warburton was Shawn's best friend. They had been friends since they were eight years old. It was one of those friendships where the two became so close that they didn't consider each other friend, but brothers. Shawn and Ian soon met Brian and Lyall. The four of them were best friends up through middle school, and eventually, after they got through the "girls have cooties" stage, the circle of friendship was expanded to Laur and Mel.
The summer before freshman year, Ian and Laur started dating. It was an interesting couple, given their differing personalities. Laur was confident and bold, while Ian was quiet and more reserved.
"They were a weird couple," Shawn had chuckled to himself as he described it to me. "It never seemed like they did coupley stuff, you know? I think I saw them hold hands like three times the whole duration of their relationship."
Shawn explained to me that everyone believed Ian was the cause of the awkward relationship. He was a sweet boy, but very shy. Although she was his girlfriend, Laur intimidating him. Hearing that didn't surprise me, given how brash and forward she could be. But Ian had always loved Laur. Ever since they were young, he had wanted to befriend her. Even back in the days where Shawn and the other boys threw wood chips at the girls on the playground, Ian wanted to talk to Laur. Given his shyness, he wouldn't, and it took him a few years to finally tell her how he felt about her. Once they started dating, Ian felt like he was on the top of the world.
"He was so much happier," Shawn told me, "Just like the way I felt when I met you."
Laur, on the other hand, was not as dedicated to the relationship. After her and Ian dated for a few months, she began to lose interest. But he was so sweet to her, she refused to break it off. When her friends confronted her privately about wanting to end the relationship, she denied the thought of breaking up from ever crossing her mind.
"I remember Mel sat her down," Shawn recalled, "And she told Laur that Ian was a good soul, and if Laur wasn't into the relationship anymore then she needed to end it. Ian deserved that, at least. It wasn't fair for her to be toying with his emotions if she didn't really love him." Ian had been naive and oblivious to the off screen drama that surrounded his relationship with Laur. He was blindly in love with her.
Shawn had explained to me that everything start started last winter. One day, Laur approached Shawn right before the final bell of the day and invited him over to a movie night at her house that night.
"Ian wants to watch all those Harry Potter movies," she said. "I know how much you like them, so I figured I'd invite you too!"
"Sounds great," Shawn replied. "I'll come by around six."
When the evening rolled around, Shawn headed over to Laur's. He showed up a little later than planned, but was surprised to find that Ian's car wasn't in the driveway.
"Hey Shawn!" Laur opened the front door and called out to Shawn before he had even climbed the front steps.
"Hey," he gave her a half-wave as he entered the house and took off his shoes. "Have you started the movie yet?"
Laur shook her head. "Not yet, but " She led Shawn into her spacious living room. The lights were dimmed but there was a fire roaring in the large stone fireplace, which gave the room a cozy glow. A bowl of popcorn had been placed in the center of the rectangular coffee table. The soft leather couch was adorned with woven blankets and pillows. Ian was no where in sight.
Shawn took a seat on the couch. "So, is Ian coming?" he asked.
Laur stuck out her bottom lip in a pout. "He said he might not be able to make it. But he said we could watch the movie without him."
"Ah, okay." Shawn replied. He didn't mind that it was just him and Laur; they'd been friends for so long that it didn't seem weird to hang out with just the two of them. "So then do you want to start the movie now?"
"Sure," Laur smiled at him. She grabbed the television remote from by the TV and took a seat beside Shawn. He thought she was sitting a little too close for comfort, so he casually tried to give himself more room. Laur only moved a little closer to him.
"Sorry," she said, noted the fact that Shawn was trying to move away from her. "I'm just a little cold, and you feel warm," Laur laughed and snuggled up against Shawn's bicep.
"Oh, you're cold?" Shawn said. "Here, take this blanket." He politely tossed her one of the blankets beside him. She spread it over the two of them, but Shawn pushed the fabric off him. "You don't have to do that," he said, "I'm not cold."
"I see," Laur said quietly. Shawn could tell that she was slightly annoyed. It seemed like she was trying to make a move on him, but he wasn't sure. Laur was one of the biggest flirts in Pickering, Shawn knew that. But she wouldn't go as low as to purposely flirt with her boyfriend's best friend, would she? He decided to shrug it off and give her the benefit of the doubt.
The two watched the movie in silence. Laur kept her distance until about halfway through the movie, when she casually moved over to Shawn and rested her head on his shoulder. She wrapped her arms around his torso, her fingers resting on the bottom hem of his t-shirt.
Shawn, surprised, tried to squirm away. "Laur," he said. "What are you doing?"
"Cuddling," she replied. "I like to cuddle during movies."
"Well then maybe we should save the movie until your boyfriend gets here," Shawn replied, continuing to shake her off.
"Why are you so uptight?" she snapped. "It's not a big deal. Ian won't mind; we're just friends."
Shawn shook his head. "Yes," he responded, "I think he would mind. You flirt with everyone, Laur. It doesn't even seem like you care about him anymore."
"Of course I do," she protested. "I'll always care about him. But sometimes it's fun to switch things up, you know?"
"If you don't want to be with him anymore, just break up with him. Don't play these games," Shawn spat.
"You don't think games are fun?" Laur gently brushed her fingers through Shawn's long brown hair.
"You don't deserve Ian," he whispered.
"I don't," she admitted. "But he wouldn't deserve to see his ex-girlfriend hit on his best friend, either. That's why we'd just have to keep it a secret." Laur shot Shawn a sweet, close-lipped smile.
"What are you saying?" Shawn furrowed his eyebrows.
"You know what I'm talking about." Laur leaned in closer to Shawn and whispered, "I know you like me, and honestly, I'm down for that."
"What?"
"But I'm dating Ian, and it's not like I can break up with him to date you. You guys are like best friends, even I have to draw the line somewhere," she smirked.
"Laur, I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't want you to break up with Ian to date me. I don't have feelings for you like that," Shawn protested.
"Oh really? I bet if I kissed you, you'd stop playing dumb," Laur challenged.
"I'm not playing dumb," Shawn shook his head.
Laur leaned in towards Shawn. He froze. She hesitated for a moment before softly bringing her lips into contact with his. He was shocked and appalled, but not able to pull away. Laur continued to kiss him, and he kissed her back. He couldn't stop himself.
He had liked Laur at one point. All the boys did. But he knew that Ian loved her more than he ever could. So when Ian and Laur started dating, Shawn pushed away whatever feelings that he might have had for Laur. He buried them somewhere so deep inside the back of his mind, that he had convinced himself that they didn't exist. But Laur was shaking the ground now. She was digging the old thoughts up.
Finally, Laur broke this kiss. "How did that feel?" she smirked. "What kind of feelings do you have for me now?"
Shawn was speechless. "But Ian is my..." his voice trailed off. "I can't just..." He was unable to get out a full sentence.
"That's all I need to hear," Laur giggled before leaning in for another kiss.
I could see the pain behind Shawn's eyes when he told me the story of this night. He cringed when he told me about the kiss, and it appeared as if he was going to cry when he told me what happened later that night. Listening to the story hurt me as well, because every time I pictured Shawn and Laur doing something that I hadn't even considered yet, I felt like I was going to throw up.
At first I didn't understand why everyone in Pickering had made this into such a big deal. Yes, Shawn shouldn't have hooked up with Ian's girlfriend. But I didn't understand why that would turn all of his friends against him, and why Laur seemed unaffected by the whole situation. I also couldn't comprehend why this had become such a tragic event for the whole community.
But there was more. The rest of the story answered my questions.
The day winter break started, Shawn and his friends were headed up to a cabin they had rented for the week. Mel, Lyall, and Brian were already there, and Shawn, Ian, and Laur were scheduled to meet up with them later that day.
Ian was completely unaware of the fact that Shawn and Laur had been hooking up for the past few weeks. He hadn't suspected a thing. Laur was good at hiding it, and went about her life without a hitch. Shawn, however, was less comfortable with the idea of sneaking around behind his best friend's back. He now dodged Laur in public, and even avoided her gaze when they were just hanging out with friends.
And that day, with only Shawn, Laur, and Ian in the car, Shawn was a nervous wreck. Luckily Ian was too engrossed in whatever he was talking about to notice the stiff, awkward air. Shawn, who was driving, tightly gripped the steering wheel with his sweaty palms. He wasn't sure why he was so nervous. He figured it was the fact that Laur and him had just hooked up in the same car only two days before. The guilt was eating him alive.
They had driven far away from the bustle of city life. Where they were now, there was nothing but trees, moose, and a lack of cell phone service. Shawn was driving fairly fast, partly because he was anxious and partly because he wanted to get to the cabin before it got dark. Luckily, the roads weren't too bad. It had snowed the day before, but the roads were pretty much free of ice.
"Hey Laur," Ian said, turning his head to face her in the backseat. She was trying to fall asleep and had her headphones in, so she couldn't hear Ian talking to her. "I just need my backpack," Ian explained. "I'm hungry and I want a granola bar. I'll just jump back there and grab it myself, want one?"
"Sure," Shawn replied. Ian unbuckled his seat belt and moved to the backseat. His backpack, which he had thrown on the floor of the car, had slid underneath one of the seats. He stuck his head underneath the seat to find it, but ended up stumbling upon something else.
"Shawn..." his voice trailed off. "What is this?" he held up a pair of girl's underwear that he had found underneath the seat. It was Laur's underwear.
Shawn glanced up in the rear view mirror. His face went white when he saw that Ian was holding up a pair of Laur's pink lace underwear. "Um...that's...uh," Shawn stuttered.
Ian's face went from serious to proud in a matter of seconds. "Dude, have you been getting some? Who is she? Give me all the details!" Shawn felt himself relax, somewhat. Ian didn't recognize the underwear as Laur's.
"Oh yeah, um, it was some girl on the lacrosse team. Just a one time thing; it's not big deal."
Ian found his backpack and hopped back into the passenger's seat and threw the underwear up on the dashboard. "No big deal?" he cried. "Dude, weren't you still a virgin? Was this one-time lacrosse girl your first?"
"Um...no? My first time was with some girl I met at leadership camp last summer." Shawn lied through his teeth. Laur had been his first.
"Oh," Ian seemed disappointed. "Why didn't you tell me that dude?"
Shawn laughed nervously, "I thought I did. My bad." Desperate to change the subject, Shawn said, "Hey, maybe you should wake Laur up. We're almost there."
"Alright," Ian replied. He reached back and gently shook her. Laur's eyes fluttered open and she looked around. She instantly spotted the underwear on the dashboard. She let out a small gasp and widened her eyelids.
"Weird, how'd my underwear get up there?" she pointed to it. "Must've fallen out of my suitcase or something." She tried to make up an excuse, but she hadn't known that Shawn had already taken care of the situation.
"Wait, what?" Ian cried. "Your underwear?"
"Yeah, that's mine! It probably fell out when I threw my bag in the car. Thanks for picking it up for me," Laur tried to keep her cool.
"Shawn told me these belonged to a girl on the lacrosse team." Shawn made eye contact with Laur in the rear view mirror. They exchanged panicked looks. Ian noticed them watching each other. "Okay, what the hell is going on here?" he asked. "Tell me the truth. Now."
At this point, Shawn was on the verge of tears. The guilt had been eating him alive, and being confronted about the whole situation was making him feel sick to his stomach. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out of his mouth. He was unable choke out words.
"Shawn tried to hook up with me," Laur blurted. The whole car went silent. Even the radio went to a dead white noise. Shawn was unable to speak, unable to defend himself. He was starting to feel even more sick, and was beginning to get tunnel vision.
"What the fuck?" Ian screamed, "Is that true?" He glanced over to Shawn, who was driving with his mouth slightly open in awe. Shawn turned to look at him and push the words out, but was unable to.
Laur kept talking, "He was giving me a ride to dance one night, and all of the sudden he just kissed me. I couldn't have avoided it, it just happened so fast. Then the next thing I know, he's undressing me." There was a sinful glimmer in her eye as she spoke. For a brief second she made eye contact with Shawn, who glared at her through the rear view mirror. She held the gaze until Shawn became weak and was forced to look away.
"Shawn, is that true?" Ian hollered. "Is she telling the fucking truth?"
Shawn's hands became even more sweaty and all the moisture was zapped from his lips and throat. "She's...the underwear..." he stuttered, unable to defend himself. "I didn't...but we did..."
"Look at him," Laur spat. "He can't even make up a lie to try and fight for his innocence. He know's he's guilty. Pathetic."
"I can't fucking believe it," Ian shook his head. He turned to Shawn, "You know we've been friends for over fifteen years, dude? Why the hell would you want to risk our friendship just so you could hook up with my girlfriend? I don't know what your problem is. You can pick any damn girl in the school, and you force yourself on my girlfriend? I'm absolutely disgusted."
Listening to Ian scream made all of the anger and frustration Shawn had boil up inside of him. His face turned red hot, and he could feel his hands shaking. He was having trouble gripping the wheel, and his throat was beginning to burn.
"I'm sorry you had to find out like this," Laur apologized to Ian. "I was going to tell you, I promise. I just didn't want to ruin this week for all of us. But it's clear that he's already done that." She glared at Shawn again. The look he returned was so viscous that Laur was forced to look away out of fear.
"I don't even know what else to say..." Ian's voice trailed off. Shawn took a deep breath. He knew he needed to say something. It was now or never. It was now, or potentially lose one of his best friends forever.
"Laur's a fucking liar," Shawn stated. It seemed like the whole car was holding their breath, waiting for Shawn to say more. "None of that shit happened. Laur came at me; I didn't attack her. She's lying to you. She kissed me first; she's the match that started the whole fire. She's a fucking liar!" Shawn roared.
In a moment of rage, he slammed his fists against the steering wheel. The car swerved into the left lane. The three hadn't spotted another car all day, but at that exact moment a truck came speeding from around the corner.
"Shit," Shawn cursed, attempting to correct the steering wheel and bring them back to safety. But both the vehicles were moving too quickly, so there was no time to change their paths. The vehicles collided head on.
It all happened so fast. The only sounds were the crunching of metal and explosions of airbags. No one even had time to scream. The ghastly sounds pierced their eardrums as all three of the teens were thrown forward with the impact. Shawn's face hit the airbag that had flown out of the steering wheel. It shot him like a punch in the face, causing his nose to bleed immediately. Shawn and Laur, who were wearing seat belts, were quickly snapped back into their seats. Ian, however, had taken his seat belt off. He was thrown from his seat and through the windshield, shattering it.
After the initial impact, the car was silent for a few seconds. No one was sure of what just happened. The atmosphere was thick with the white dust cloud of chemicals that had escaped from the air bags. It smelled of the sour dust and blood.
Laur gasping for air was the first human sound that could be heard in the wreckage. The locked seat belt had knocked the wind out of her. "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God," she gasped when she finally caught her breath, becoming increasingly panicked and frightened with each word.
Shawn let out a string of curses. His wrist hurt and he was not able to move it; he was sure that it was broken. His face was cut from the shattered class of the windshield. Blood dripped down his face and into his mouth. He spit it out in front of him, leaving a splatter mark of thick blood on the now deflated air bag.
Ian was silent.
"Ian!" Laur screamed from the backseat. "Are you okay?! IAN!" His body was lying halfway through the broken windshield. Blood was everywhere. "Oh my God, we have to help him!" Laur, who seemed to be the least injured of the bunch, forced her way out of the car and around to where Ian was laying.
The driver of the truck, a young man, stepped out of his vehicle. His face was bruised and cut. "I just called the paramedics," he said. "They'll get here as soon as they can."
Shawn sat in the driver's seat in a state of shock. He stared blankly at the scene before him. Laur and the young man were attempting to stop Ian's extreme bleeding. He was unconscious, but still alive. Shawn's brain was telling him to try to escape the car and help his friend, but his body wouldn't let him move. He was frozen again.
What have I done...he thought.
The paramedics took too long to arrive, not considering the fact that the accident had occurred in middle of no where. By the time they reached the scene, Ian had lost almost a third of the blood in his body. There were two ambulances. Most of the paramedics rode in one with Ian so they could monitor him and do what they could until they reached a hospital. The young man, Laur, and Shawn rode in the second one.
When they reached the hospital, Ian was immediately rushed into the ER. Laur and Shawn were interrogated for Ian and their emergency contact information. They had been informed that Ian was in critical condition. He had lost a lot of blood and was continuing to bleed internally. He likely had a concussion and many broken bones.
The pain that Shawn felt within his mind was worse then any physical pain he was experiencing. The doctor was helping him with his wrist, which was indeed broken. His wrist didn't hurt. But the guilt was cutting through his conscious like the glass that cut Ian's skin.
After the doctors examined him, Shawn headed out to the waiting room where Laur was sitting. She had her head in her hands. When Shawn approached her, she lifted her head and stared at him. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot. He couldn't tell if it was from the accident or if she had been crying.
"He's dead."
Her words confirmed it. Shawn couldn't believe her. He didn't want to believe her. All at once, the room started spinning and his legs gave out from underneath him. He crashed to the floor and fell to his knees.
"No," he whispered. "No. No. No, he can't be." Shawn couldn't get up from the floor. His joints stiffened. He felt light headed. His stomach turned inside out.
He threw up on the hospital floor. Laur didn't say a word about how disgusting it was. Some of it splattered on her shoes, which were already stained with blood. She simply stood up from the chair she was sitting in and began to walk away. She turned around once, only to say her last words to Shawn.
"He's dead," she said. "And you're a murderer."