ROSE
Motherhood was a difficult journey because it challenged me as a person, as I had to support two other tiny humans who looked at me like I was their entire world.
Helios and Nadia had been in this world for two weeks as I got used to the daily routine by changing diapers, waking up in the middle of the night, breastfeeding, and staying by their side because I was always concerned about them.
Nikolai had been of tremendous help since each time I worried about my babies, he managed to calm me down by explaining that what I'm worried about was totally normal and that the children are doing just fine.
He seemed to know a lot about human anatomy, and about children from various ages.
"Shhhhhhh," I whispered to Helios because I was breastfeeding him while sitting on an armchair in my bedroom as Nadia was asleep on the bed.
For the time being, they will be sleeping in the same room as me, as I desired them to be near me since they were infants who required maternal affection and care.
So far, Nadia was a quiet baby, she did not cry a lot unless she was hungry, felt too cold or too warm, or if she needed her diaper changed.
Helios was different because he tended to cry a lot, but he always grew quiet when I took him into my embrace.
My children were different from each other as they were fraternal twins, yet I loved them the same.
It was in the middle of the night as I sat on the armchair by the window while breastfeeding Helios.
We sat in the dark because the light in the backyard was enough for me.
I stared out the window and saw a few snowflakes sticking to the glass, since it had snowed heavily during the past week, just before Christmas.
I was staring out the window and nearly fell asleep on the armchair, but I was jolted awake by the phone that began to ring because somebody was calling me.
Helios had seemed to have fallen asleep, but he started to cry at the sound of my ringtone because I had forgotten to turn it off before we went to bed.
I reached out for my phone on the small table beside me, as I turned off my phone while I began to gently calm my son down, and he gradually fell asleep on my chest.
Nadia had not reacted to the sound, and I was terrified that she might have died, but I could see her chest tenderly raising and falling at a peaceful rhythm, which calmed my anxious thoughts.
Both my babies were soundly asleep as my gaze drifted between them, the epitome of my existence, two little humans who I would always love no matter what.
"I love you," I mumbled as I leaned my head and placed a peck on top of Helios head.
After a few moments while Helios slept on my chest, I grabbed my phone from the table, turning off the sound on everything as I checked who had called, and it was none other than my best friend, Perry.
But deep down, I had hoped Lev would call me, to at least check on the babies or the pregnancy, since he did not know that I had given birth yet.
He made no effort to contact me these past two weeks, even if I wished he did for the sake of the twins.
I drew my gaze away from my phone and towards the ceiling because thoughts of Lev were still stuck in the back of my mind.
If I was honest, each time the twins fell asleep, I silently cried to myself because my broken heart could not be healed with the snap of my fingers even if I wished that was possible.
I went as far as to compare myself with Ana, why did he leave me for her? What did she have that I did not?
In the worst case, I checked her social media, where she posted multiple pictures of her and Lev where they were still in Gran Canaria.
Many moments where he gave to Ana, but stole from our children.
He wasn't present at the birth because he was on a trip with her in Gran Canaria.
While I was tending to my children and pampering them with never-ending affection, he was spending time with his loving wife, Ana.
I shut my eyes as I felt how a single tear fell out the corner of my eyes because Lev made no effort to contact me, not a single text these past two weeks.
How many moments more do my children have to wait for their father to come back to them?
At this point, I did not care about getting back together with me, I cared more about my children having a father figure in their lives.
But he threw that out when he walked away from us, and I did not want my children to wait for a father who saw them as a second thought, who did not stay for them.
I opened my eyes because the phone vibrated in my hand as another call came from Perry and I answered.
"Damn, what are you busy with these past days? I can never get a hold of you." Perry comments, his voice playful and child-like.
I never told him about the birth of Helios and Nadia, Instead I wanted him to come and visit me in person because my lack of trust in people grew by each day.
"I'm busy baking, you know how therapeutic it can be for me," I say as I wipe the few tears from my eyes because the sound of my best friend's voice made me realize how much I had missed him.
"What did you bake this time? Bread? Scones? Chocolate cookies?" He asks because my best friend loves every single thing that I make in the kitchen.
"Chocolate cookies." I answer, and I was not lying to him because yesterday I was baking cookies while Helios and Nadia were asleep.
"You have to ship me some cookies, I feel like I'm having withdrawal symptoms from not eating them." He whined as I felt how a small smile appeared on my face.
"But why did you call?" I suddenly asked him as Helios yawned in his sleep, and my heart melted.
"So, I became friends with Nina, you know Lev's cousin as we exchanged social media accounts, but I stumbled upon Lev ex-wife's account and why is he in Gran Canaria with her?" His voice expressed concern towards me.
"Did he do something to you? Because everyone is gossiping about how he's getting back with his ex-wife," He explains about the latest gossip, since he was back in New York City to attend some family matters.
"He went to get the milk." I muttered, trying to cope with the ache in my chest with some humor.
"Oh." Perry whispered in horror as a few moments of silence went by.
"Do you want me to kill him? I already have hundreds of ideas in mind," He adds.
Nikolai had already offered me that, but all I want is for the pain in my chest to stop, to heal.
"Do what you want, I do not care about him anymore." I told him.
As this was my chance to confess the dreary lingering thoughts that I had kept to myself for awhile.
"Perry?" My voice came out as a soft whisper as I looked at my son, who was resting comfortably on my chest.
"Yes, Rose?"
"Do you believe that there exists a person who possesses the capacity to love me without abandoning me?" I asked a question that had lingered in the pits of my heart for a long time.
Perry whistled in a low tone since my emotional question surprised him.
"Rose... there are people who love you, I love you, after all you are my best friend. However, there is nothing terribly wrong with you, the people around you were merely incapable of loving another person. Not everybody in the society gets to learn how to love another human being, but that does not give them any right to hurt another person."
I listened intently to my best friend, who gave me words of comfort.
"Perry, will everything get better?" I asked him another question after that.
"Depends on what you choose to do with your life. You are only twenty-two and have the entire world before your eyes, so cut yourself some slack. Things did not work out with that old man? Well, who gives a fuck about him. You are a young woman who can start anew with somebody else, or choose to focus this time on yourself? This is your life, don't let anyone steal it from you." He answered.
I wiped a few other tears from the corner of my eyes because I wished that my best friend was here.
Nonetheless, his encouragement inspired me to move forward, instead of wasting my thoughts on a person who left me.
"Thanks, Perry." I thanked him.
But I could see from across the room that Nadia was starting to wake up from her slumber, but she was a quiet baby who stared at the ceiling without making any noise.
"Rose-" He did not get to finish his sentence because Nadia had woken up, and I needed to check upon her.
"I call you back tomorrow, bye." I mumbled a quick goodbye to my best friend as I put the phone on the table.
I carefully stood up from the chair, holding gently onto Helios as I made my way towards the bed where Nadia laid.
Safety measurements had been put in place before I allowed any of the children to sleep on the king-sized bed, I did not want them to roll off the bed or suffocate by the bedcovers as we found the solution to those problems.
I laid a sleeping Helios carefully next to Nadia who was wide awake, as she did not seem to need anything, she had just woken up from her nap.
But my little girl looked at me as I placed a kiss on top of her head and then laid down beside them on the bed.
But suddenly a knock on the door startled me, as I told Nikolai to come in.
He stepped inside the room as he did not do much, he only looked at me from the entrance, to check upon me and the children.
He then commented, "Did you cry again because of him?"
I laid my head on my pillow as I looked up at the ceiling, "It's hard not to cry about him."
"Sure, tell me when you're done sulking about him." Nikolai told me as he closed the door, and I heard his footsteps fade into the hall.
And that was that, since he always scolds me whenever I cry about Lev, but I think it's his way to show that he cares about me.
We all have different ways to show our affection, unlike Lev who shows his affection by leaving us.