"So, he left you the first memories... I see", said Goe with his voice distorted a bit by the speed we were going with, his head now resting on another shoulder of mine
"And what 'bout you?"
"Ah? Sorry, can't hear ya!" pretended he to not hear what I'd just said
"I said, what about you? You mentioned somethin' 'bout the bomb gang..."
"That's the long story and I—look! It's the town I was talking 'bout!"
I stopped the bike near the border and let him get off first. He seemed to hesitate at first to come in—and I grabbed his hand and already was standing with one foot of mine in the town when he turned away and seemed to tremble...
"Hey, what's wrong?" asked I preoccupiedly and stepped out to him, holding both of his hands now
That made him at least turn around to me and he seemed to be dragged back to the reality with my having taken his hands: he looked astounded and taken aback, unable to utter a word; I kept my eyes on him, smiling with an awkward, but reassuring smile—and he seemed to be as if sobbing, smiling a bit, too—and then just pulled me belly-to-belly to him and let go of my hands—only to wrap me again with his arms, his earlobe rubbing against the peak of mine, his still being taller, much taller than me...
"I may be your savior, whispered he, but I may also be your burier if you keep on with me..."He took a deep breath here as if he was crying and said, "The bomb gang will come after me again..."
"Why...?" only could I whisper back, being slowly strangled in his arms again
"Because..." at this, he unwrapped his arms and weakened our hug so that I could see his face again and whispered, "I betrayed them..."
"You were a member—?" could I only utter as he put an index finger on my lips and sighed, "Sorry... Even if you probably can't forgive me..." He now turned his ashamed face aside and went on, "And I understand if you don't wanna see me anymore... I'm scarlet-lettered after all"
"So", put I his index finger aside, "you're afraid they'll recognize you and start chasing you again?"
"Not just that..." took he a deep breath and whispered, "they'll start bombing..."
I was surprised there finally was an answer to the question I never hopped to get and looked again worryingly at him; and we just stared at each other for a minute or so, not knowing what to say now: me out of rudeness; him out of shame... Until I broke that ice and said, "You think I'll chase away my savior, Goe?"
I took a step forward—he stepped back and I continued, "You saved my life, Goe; maybe, you don't think it's worthy of so much as to forgive you—but it's worthy enough for me to admire and appreciate you: as the only creature in here who's treating me just right; not as a worker, not as a toy in their hands—but as me; you're the only one who I'm able to understand and communicate with; and if you're so afraid of getting someone into trouble—I can try creating a disguise for you, too; even if... I'll surely miss your handsome face"
He smiled at my last phrase and whispered, "It's average... Nothing special... But thanks: that means a lot to me"
"I can make you even more—"
"Stop it!" pushed he me with his elbow, his face red either out of anger or blush... Both oddly suiting him equally fine: just fine...
"Hey, stop being so easily offended: I was trying to be nice, okay?"
"So you mean... You didn't mean it?" bent he his head as if not comprehending my intentions
"Hey, I mean it, when I mean it, you know... And this time... I really meant it..."
I heard him either half swallow or half squeak or both and taking a step back, saw his face completely red and turned away as if embarrassed
"Hey, it should be me who must be embarrassed, not—"
The instant I opened my mouth to say you, I felt something unbelievably hot pressed against my left cheek, so soft and nice, and just for a second or even less—and the other instant, I saw his face in front of mine, feverishly red, gasping for air we even don't have in here...
"You don't look well..." only could I whisper, looking straight into his now sparkling dark brown eyes, when he only briefly breathed, "I'm fine..."
I grabbed one of his hands again and he squeezed my remaining one, not even looking up at my eyes, pushing me to himself, his face burning my left, right cheek, chin, nose, neck, shoulders, hurriedly taking away my armor and letting it carelessly fall on the sand, avidly sucking my shell as if drinking away the energy he'd given me, setting on fire my hands, then palms, as if ravenous for ages, putting the armor from my chest—
Here, I slapped him: it made him come to his senses and he was sure regretting what he'd just done to me, with his hands grabbing tufts of his beautiful smoky hair, shocked and scared of himself, trying to run away—but I grabbed his shoulder and he opened up to me, his face now scarlet undoubtedly out of shame, mumbling only Forgive me, forgive me, please forgive me, I don't know what the hell I was doing, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry over and over again in a sobbing tone...
I made him sit down on the sand and sat beside him myself, patting and caressing his back with one hand and searching for my armor with the other—he seemed to notice my looking for my "clothes" with a corner of my eye and hurriedly found all the peaces and gave everything to me; I "dressed up" as he was sitting still with his head bent to the ground like a samurai who was about to commit a harakiri... We sat like this for a little while until I decided to sit down closer to him and he started mumbling something—I sat even closer, but he seemed to only lower his voice, intimidated by my nearness after having done what he'd done—and I just strained my ears with all my might, until I finally deciphered what he was mumbling all this time long, "That's how... I-I... recruited... f-for t-t-them..."
I couldn't believe my already exhausted ears as he continued, "I-it's an o-old h-h-habit... I-I'm so s-sorry... I c-can do n-nothing 'bout i-it..."
He was shivering with both shame, self-directed anger, self-hatred, and lust, surely not having enough of me, surely feeling as a pathetic human being they made him be...
I felt so profoundly sorry for him, for his sensing such a strong guilt, for his knowing it was all wrong, for regretting each bit of his behavior, and I really could believe it wasn't his fault—I wanted to hug him, but was afraid he wouldn't be able to cope with himself again and just put a palm on his—which he eagerly took and pressed to his left cheek as if saying have mercy on me, his desire to live dancing in his deep dark browny eyes—as well as all of his sorrow and regret...
I was playing a bit with his disheveled smoky hair when he put a hand on my right shoulder and pulled himself to me, putting his chin to rest on my left shoulder, my hand still on his cheek—I let it slide forward, to the back of his neck, playing with his hair further—when his lips were on mine...
He pulled away quickly enough though—while I still felt his hot skin against mine and absolutely couldn't shake it away—I felt a fever raise up in my chest as well, my body started breaking down, and I was gasping for breath myself... It felt as if I was about to pass out again and die, I could barely sit and wanted to lay down, it all was breaking me out, I felt as if on fire and needed water—tons of it—if it could cool me down at all, which I doubted—which I knew would never stop, never stop—
I grabbed his hand unconsciously and made him sit down again, tête-à-tête to me and clang to his lips with mine... At first, I was relieved, but the moment he pulled away again, too soon, I felt betrayed and held his cheeks metallically with my palms, pressing my lips again to his, as if thirstily drinking that bottle of energy he gave me then, smacking so uglily it made me disgusted by myself and I quickly pulled away, feeling him near, wanting him even nearer, dumbfounded at myself and my behavior, at what was going on inside of me, did Goe infected me, with what then, why it took over me so fast, like a forest fire, was it already the end of the day, was I really going to die soon, was it like the last hours of death felt like, when he stranglingly hugged me again, but this time from behind, his lips on the sides of my neck, its back, his nose in my hair, then on the top of my head, going to cheeks again, his palms caressing my chest—I literally felt like dying, it was so overwhelming, comparable with electroshock, my physical shell felt destabilized, and I was docilely letting him touch me everywhere with his glowing hands and lips, turn me in any direction and in any form, take away all of my armor—I lost my consciousness, my eyes though were still open, but everything was blurry until it all turned pitch dark and all I felt was his lips and palms, bursting me further into flames I couldn't in any way break away from...
Then I guess I passed out because I felt a bottle being thrust in my mouth again and a few drops were enough for me to wake up and start breathing like crazy... A stupid reflex they nonetheless made us have—as this stupid desire to be loved and love back... A dumb imitation is what we really are... Trying to be bigger—and always popping up at the end...
When I regained my consciousness, Goe relievedly hugged me, mumbling, "Thank goodness you're alright!" I only patted him at his nearest arm and he quickly put his lips to my left cheek again... To this, I only put my left palm on his cheek, disheveling his entire smoky hair I wanted to have a touch of each morning, evening, and afternoon—I felt the same fever raise up in my chest and got scared, as he was now pressing my hand to his unbearably hot lips... After having dreamily and sluggishly pulled away, he noticed my being completely naked and hurriedly helped me dress up once again—and thank goodness, it's forbidden to have any buildings in around less than five hundred meters from the suburbs, so no one could see us doing what we were doing—anyway, we both stood up and I was now madly looking around for my bike and thank goodness, it was still there, so we got on with Goe's again wrapping my waist, more shyly or rather carefully and cherishingly, as if afraid I could just fall apart right in front of him... like sand I still felt all over my body—even in my ears... Which Goe was now watchfully blowing and shaking off me, making me want to get out of my own skin—it wasn't just the heat of his hands, but his very way with me I was completely new to, that made the fever rise higher than ever before and it just went to my head, making everything blurry before my eyes yet again, but I tried pulling myself together to just not let us crash in such a pathetic and dumb way—and I'll live up to just feel his heat again... It's so dumb, yet that's what my body wants, suffering in process... This is so human it makes me wanna vomit—being trapped by your own body and mind... If they're pushed in between these limits, what else should we expect then? Except for death...