Title: A Ballad Of Falling Light
Writer: XxFaylinexX
Backup Reviewer: AakritiPathak
Before starting with the review, I haven't read any Applyfic, and I've no fair idea what exactly happens in one. I'll treat it as any other fantasy story.
First Impression:
Firstly, the cover gives a regal, royal vibe upfront. Color shade and font color complements each other well. For one critical note, I'd suggest you make the main title a bit bolder. Possibly use a font that goes well with the Fantasy genre. A good, eye-catching cover is the first hook to grab an audience. The title is intriguing. Especially when it comes to ballads, you're thrown into an era beyond. So far, good job.
Coming to the blurb, upon first read it appears to be equally interesting. But when read closely, something feels missing. A gap. Let's crack this bit by bit.
A good blurb contains these few aspects:
>> Short & Crisp: Too long blurb may turn the reader around and never look back! This story's blurb, however, is of good length. Usually try to keep a blurb within 150-200 words. Blurb is never the summary, blurb simply provokes a reader to tap that read button. No such critical comment on the length. However, do maintain a formal format, instead of using fancy breakers.
>> Readability: This point has also been taken care of. Usage of too heavy and synonymous words often kills the aura. Good job here!
>> Expression: This is where most of my feedback narrows down to. The genre is undoubtedly high fantasy. There is a group and a war is looming ahead. That's just it - this is the only info I'm getting out of this blurb. Who's Siraj and this commanding officer? They seem to be from another nation that is on edge to be burnt. If so, it might be a good choice to add a line showcasing how none wishes to get down without a fight, if war, then so be it. Don't be afraid to be a bit dramatic for the extended effect! Once these characters cross each other, is the war an outcome of it? Also, why does killing phoenixion change the fate of the world? Of course you don't need to add every detail. But give the readers a good glimpse about characters, the possible conflict, a way to resolution, one major thing that stands in the way to resolution as hindrance, and ultimately a glimpse of what all is at stake.
>> Technicality: Writing style matters a lot. An example here:
"In the last 116 years, two nations have crumbled to ashes in the wake of havoc wreaked by the Phoenixion army. In a snap, two more may plunge into the flames."
This is an example only. Tip: instead of using too many short sentences, blend them into one heavy sentence. Saves space, and creates a unique tone!
These are a few things about first impression of the book. Premise is definitely promising. Let's look ahead at other aspects.
Opening:
Opening of this book, aka the prologue, sets the tone pretty well. With the two characters who demand to hear the tale, as a reader I'm invested in the same manner. Just like the ominous power in the woman's voice, there's something about writing style which instantly lures you in to sit calmly and give the story a shot. Description, amount of knowledge thrown in, and the characters, yet, create a good opening.
Now, something that can be improved. Minor details.
"The boy's grin had faded…"
When you're narrating in past tense, stay away from the usage of had unless your character is reminiscing a much previous event.
"The boy's grin faded instantly and he folded his arm in protest."
Lines next to this is a throwback, so using had is justifiable.
Returning to the strong aspect. Last paragraph is a gem in a true sense. As a person who keeps returning to classics and tragedies, this prologue hooks my interest. Using the ending line of the prologue to open the first line of Chapter one is pretty clever as well!
Character Development:
Starting with Eunike, she's the kind of character whom one would wish to throw a stone at, or worship her like their Roman Empire. Nothing in between. She has her thoughts pretty straight, she's clear in her motif. Be it her resentment towards Ariston, or her surprised tone about Florentos - Eunike gives an aura of not to be messed with. I skipped the cast section, reading it only at last, but Eunike gives the whiff of a malicious, strategic, yet powerful 'traitor'. Individually, since I read only the first five chapters, I cannot comment much about her development. But seeing her clear representation in the first chapter, I've no doubt she is a character of depth.
Talking about Siraj now, he has also been mentioned in the Prologue, so I took extra time to understand his character and perspective. Ah! So another traitor. Siraj, at first, appeared like a character who is loyal enough to come up with sane plans to save his homeland, given he quickly picked how the higher officials were signing their deaths. Though, it will be revealed what step Siraj is going to take next, as of now his move contradicts the soul of being a soldier. This is a strength of writing style on the other hand. Instead of continuing the same tone and characteristics, making characters different from each other is also an achievement. My only feedback would be to include physical descriptions to showcase the tension. Physical twitchings, movements, facial expressions, stance, etc. This will create more depth to the ultimate plot.
What a dynamic character Ashe is! It took me two readings of a few paragraphs to understand the depth of her thoughts. To me, she shares a quality of boldness and clear motif as Eunike, but at the same time she's merciful. She's a warrior of the raging army, even a small slip in her thoughts may change the course of plot. Reading about her and getting a glimpse about the Phoenixion side had me on edge. One thing that I admire here is the inclusion of visual descriptions alongside characters, which was missing in the previous two chapters.
Vanora, her longing for Nerinea, and the metaphors / symbolism used, makes the following chapter refreshing and comforting. Next two chapters are all about Siraj's recklessness, or maybe youthful bravery. Surely he's an interesting character.
I don't have much criticism to deliver about the character development. Mainly because as of now only introductions have happened. I'm yet to see their conflicts, the battles, and resolution - which I assume will be coming up in further chapters. So far, all the characters possess distinguished voices and are memorable. Badass job!
Plot Development:
Some work can be done in the plot area. This storyline is majorly character-driven, rather than plot driven. Except for Nerinea, I'm yet to see the world of other 'clans' in narration. It'd be good to have a few glimpses of the lifestyle, culture, interaction other than war strategies included in the chapters. This will help in making the plot immersive.
If this is something not done in Applyfics, that's a different case then.
Otherwise, again, in the first five chapters, no solid criticism could be given. Though, let me know if you've any specific question, I'd love to discuss more.
Grammar & Writing style:
Not much, the clarity and coherence is top notch. At a few places some sentences are repetitive, which could easily be merged to create a much heavier paragraph. Do try to incorporate synonymous words as well. Aside from that, the descriptions are great. But I'd love to see more of the physical world stretched around, just to see where these characters are.
Writing style is so far awesome. Third person perspective has been pulled off well. A few tweakings here and there will make it a good binge read once completed.
Personal feedback & Enjoyment:
Personally, I have read a fantasy world after long, and it was totally a refreshing experience. The dynamic characters, over the edge thoughts, tension while reading and instantly scolding the stupidity of theirs - these, as a reader, I appreciate much and give much points to the writer for building a world worth reading at least once. I didn't get much time to read the story slowly, since I was assigned this review at the last moment, so I'm pretty unsure if it'd be of much help. Feel free to ask questions, if any. You've certainly gained a reader.
Keep writing.