When I made it to the clinic, they had me go through intake and my nerves were absolutely shot. They asked me about my past drug of choice and the last time I used. It didn't take long before they took my vitals and drug tested my urine to see what was in my system. I was well aware of what I took, but they wanted to be sure so they could begin treatment properly. As I sat on the examination table, I allowed my feet to swing as I contemplated on if this was truly the right thing to do. It was becoming so real for me that I was going to be disconnected from everyone I loved for four long weeks and I could feel the panic inside me start to rise.
I don't know how long I had to wait but eventually the door opened and I was met with the doctor that greeted me along with the other staff when I first arrived to the clinic.
"Hi Ms.Ransom. How are you feeling?" She asked sitting on a stool in front of me at the desk.
"Uh...just really tired and a little sore." She put down her paperwork in front of her and looked at me empathetically.
"Well, so here's the thing. We were going to send you off to our sister program in California, but there's been a slight change of plans. We were going over your urine sample and it actually turns out you're pregnant."
My legs stopped nervously swinging as I froze. I swear time stood still and my heart stopped beating and fell right down deep into the pit of my stomach.
"W-what?"
She realized I was taken by surprise and she slightly tilted her head and rested her hand on my arm to comfort me.
"It's going to be okay hun. We are still going to treat you and supervise you during your withdrawal process to ensure that you're as comfortable as possible. But considering you are early in your pregnancy and you are at high risks for complications, we don't feel it's in your best interest for you to go across the country. Our plan is to keep you here and have you complete the two week program, then from there we will discuss a local outpatient program." My eyes watered as I thought about how hard this was going to be to tell Noah. The guilt instantly turned to nausea, having an epiphany that I had been using and didn't know I was pregnant.
"Oh my god...is the baby going to be okay?" I started to sob and felt like the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. I was hurting my unborn child and I was already failing. I didn't deserve to be a mother, or this baby. How did I ever become this? I'll never forgive myself.
"The bloodwork we ran on you looks normal and you've come to the right place at the right time." The doctor consoled me. "You're about 3 weeks along and you are very early in your pregnancy. We're going to get you healthy so you can be your best self. It's going to be okay sweetie. The nurse is going to come in shortly to medicate you and help get you started on an intravenous. We need to keep you hydrated and we're going to get you something to help get you a bit more comfortable okay?"
I nodded and tried my best to hold back my tears. The racing thoughts began, thinking about what I wanted to do. Of course, I wanted to keep the baby, but if Noah didn't want to do this with me, then I don't know if I could do it on my own. I had the next two weeks to think about exactly how I was going to break the news to him.
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The next 13 days were some of the hardest days I had ever experienced. They tried their best to help with the pain, but that still didn't take away the psychological sadness I was struggling with. I never truly learned to process the emotions that came with our first loss, and now I was harboring guilt on top of that. The intensive therapy I received helped immensely with how to cope with all the mixed emotions I was feeling and I felt a bit more confident that I would be able to get back to who I used to be.
On the 14th day, I took an Uber home and I headed back to the apartment. Noah wasn't home and I managed to bring my bags upstairs to start trying to unpack. Everything looked like how it did when I left, clean and organized. It almost looked as if the bed hadn't been slept in and I wondered what Noah was doing with himself this whole time. As I was finally hanging up some of my shirts back in the closet, I heard the front door open and close and I heard a couple of voices, along with a woman's laughter that I didn't recognize. I knew the first voice to be Noah but I didn't recognize the female.
Who the hell is that?
I remained rather quiet as I listened for their conversation.
"You want something to drink? I have a new bottle of wine I haven't opened yet." I heard him ask. My stomach dropped. Noah had spent many months sober and he was really going to ruin it now that he thought I was away?
"That would be great, thank you!" I heard the anonymous girl answer. Their conversation become muffled as they went into the kitchen and I waited a few minutes trying to clear my head and talk myself out of responding impulsively. After a little while, I slowly opened the door so that he wouldn't hear me. Quietly, I tip toed down the stairs and I hesitantly came around the corner to join them and catch them by surprise.
My heart pounded as I saw a long-haired brunette with her back to me, holding her wine glass and giggling at Noah and he smiled back at her and I saw him take a gulp of his wine that he also had in his hand. When he finally noticed me, he looked like he had seen a ghost and the wine glass slipped from his hand crashing to the floor. I just crossed my arms, beyond pissed off and truly feeling betrayed.
"Babe?" He asked. His eyebrows furrowed.
The brunette slowly turned to look at me and my stomach instantly dropped. I didn't recognize her, but anyone with eyes could see she was beautiful, and completely Noah's type; tattooed and dark hair and dark eyes. I never thought of myself as the jealous type but the fact he had a random woman in my home and that he was drinking with her made it even worse. He's supposed to be sober and we all know Noah makes stupid decisions while he's drunk. I could feel the heat rising in the tops of my ears and my cheeks, my mind envisioning me attacking her with my hands around her throat. However, I had to be considerate now that there was a small human growing inside me.
"What are you doing here?" He asked completely surprised.
"Excuse me?!" I scoffed. "This is my fucking house! What is SHE doing here?!"
"Wait..."he held his hands out cautiously not wanting me to get any wrong ideas or wanting me to explode. "Babe hold on let me explain..."
"Fuck you Noah!" My eyes started to water out of frustration that I couldn't allow myself to kick her ass. "This is what you do while I'm away at rehab?!"
"Fuck...Eve just fucking listen to me!" I turned around quickly not wanting to hear anything he had to say and I started for the door feeling overwhelmed and gasping for air. The anxiety attack coming on was making it hard to breathe.
I grabbed the car keys and bursted through the front door but Noah came after me, not wanting to let me drive off, especially while I was this upset.
"Will you just fucking hold on?!" He pleaded and he blocked the car door, standing in front of me, knowing there was know way I could get around him.
"No!" I screamed through watering eyes, "I've been gone for two weeks and you're already fucking someone else?! In OUR apartment?!" I shoved him.
"I'm not fucking her!" He screamed over me desperately trying to get me to calm down and let him explain. I saw the anonymous girl in question step out of our house and she kind of kept her distance while she waited for an Uber not wanting to upset me more. She was pretty convinced I was going to beat her ass. Before I could even say anything else, a car pulled up that I recognized to be Jolly's. What the fuck is going on? I saw the boys get out and they all looked at me completely surprised, thinking I was in California by now.
"Eve?" I heard Folio question worried that I checked myself out early.
"What the fuck is happening right now?" I felt the tears kept coming through my anger.
"Whoa, whoa," Folio tried to calm me down and I kept glaring at Noah, feeling disgusted he had her in my home after all he did to almost ruin us before. "Eve, relax!" He put his hands on my shoulders. "Her name is Sydnie, she's one of the managers for our merch line! We have a new drop tonight and we were just going over the details at lunch..."My breaths started evening out and I looked at Folio just really confused and still slightly blinded by rage.
"What?"
I knew the chances are, that Folio wasn't making it up and a small part of me began to feel foolish. However, Noah could have been civil with her without being overly friendly and going so far as to drinking with her.
"We were all coming over for a bit just to have a drink or whatever and just to celebrate the new drop. That's it. We've just been trying to keep Noah busy is all since we...we thought you were away for another couple weeks.
"So why the fuck were you alone with her?! And you wanted to drink with her too?!" I looked at Noah. I was aggravated the guys wanted to influence him to even have a glass, but at the end of the day he could make his own decisions. Noah sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.
"I was only going to have a small glass, Eve. I know how this looks and I'm sorry. The guys were right behind us and I didn't think I was doing anything wrong...."
"Really?! So if I brought a random guy home and offered him a drink while we were alone, without telling you, youwould be cool with that?!" He just looked at me and then looked down knowing I had a point. Noah was so intelligent when it came to so many things, but trying to put himself in other people's shoes was always hard for him to do.
"You're right okay? Again, I'm sorry...and what are you even doing home anyway?" It pissed me off he was trying to change the subject and still questioning me. It appeared as if he was being dismissive of the way I felt and that wasn't okay with me.
"I couldn't be admitted in California! They sent me home because I'm fucking PREGNANT Noah! Again!"
His mouth opened a little in disbelief and the guys all had the same shocked stare.
"W-wha?"
"Yep! I'm pregnant and just wanted to come home to you and you're here hanging out with women and having a grand fucking time without me!" Between the stress of trying to cope without the drugs and my hormones going crazy with the pregnancy, I was more emotional than usual, but it actually truly hurt my heart to see him looking so comfortable with a random girl while he thought I was still locked away by myself. It's not that I wanted him to sulk, but the way he was looking at her made me feel like he had forgotten all about me.
I could tell that Noah was taken aback by his expression but it was hard to read exactly what he thought of the news. It looked like the wind was knocked out of him and he suddenly shook his head.
"I uh...I need a second." He turned around and started walking away from us going down the sidewalk. I instantly started to follow him even though my emotions were running high, even more so now that he was really going to leave me by myself after news like that.
"Where the hell are you going?!"
"Eve, please! I need to get away from you! From this!" He kept walking without slowing down or even looking at me. His words were like a stab to my chest.
The first time I was pregnant and we learned the baby wouldn't survive, he seemed so heartbroken. He confessed that he wanted the baby and we talked about having one in the future...not this soon of course, but I still thought he would be more supportive than this. Jolly and Folio jogged after us, Folio catching up to his best friend to try and calm him down. Although I was somewhat thankful for Folio always being able to talk some sense into Noah, I was tired of him being involved in our personal problems and him being the inspiration behind Noah to do the right things. As I watched him walking off with his back to me, I couldn't help but to break down and start to sob, causing Jolly to pull me into him for a comforting hug.
"He's really fucking walking away from me right now?!" I sobbed and he rubbed my back.
"It's big news, Evie. He just needs to process this."
"Him?! How the fuck does he think I feel?!"
"I know...but we both know Noah has his own way of coping with things. This is huge news hun...on top of that he's been worried to death about you since you left."
"Really? Cause he looked pretty damn happy with that girl that was here..."
"It's a front. He was just being nice because he had to be. He's actually been a fucking wreck...ever since you left he's barely left the house. We were just now able to get him to somewhat function today but it was a facade. You're all he's been thinking about and talking about. I think between you being away and then the bomb you just dropped, he's overwhelmed." I sniffled and crossed my arms shaking my head, still so hurt by him walking off on me.
"Come on...let's get you inside. It's going to be okay, I promise you."
Jolly put his arm around my shoulders and escorted me back into the house so I could catch my breath and try and gain back my composure. My mind was racing, still convinced he was trying to move on. I saw the way he looked at her. And now, the discovery about the baby was making it even more complicated for him now. Jolly was right in saying he was probably was overwhelmed. All within the last few weeks, he discovered his fiancé was a coke addict and he was going to be a father. It wasn't small news, but my worries were very real, and the last thing I wanted was for him to feel forced to stay with me. My paranoia had me believing that maybe it was possible he didn't actually love me anymore.