It took me two days to assist the movers in relocating my belongings from Camden to Surrey. Despite having a few items to move, I was incredibly busy with hospital duties. During those two days, I had to confront the deaths of several blast victims.
Soon, I realized my panic attacks were resurfacing, but now they followed a pattern. My concerns were solely focused on my patients, many of whom were children and teenagers. Whenever I found myself at the elusive Volkner Manor in Surrey, I felt suffocated by guilt in my lavish bedroom.
The commute from Surrey to Camden took an hour, prompting me to opt for 24-hour shifts at the hospital. Eventually, it escalated to working around the clock, with me staying in the hospital's doctor's quarters during my off-duty hours.
Days passed, and my life slowly descended into chaos. Our surgery unit, Unit C, spared no effort in treating the patients, but our efforts often fell short. Many succumbed to severe burns, their agonizing screams echoing through the burn unit with each dressing change. Sepsis claimed the lives of those with injuries, adding to the chaos.
The most distressing aspect was the unusual burn patterns observed in the victims. Some had burned flesh down to the bone, a phenomenon not typical in burn cases. Though I hadn't been the one to initially receive the burn patients that night, I felt compelled to discuss my suspicions with someone.
Brett was smoking outside on the sidewalk, his shift over, waiting for his brother Paul to return, who worked as a nurse in the same hospital.
"Why did they have such injuries?" I asked him. Brett shot me a dirty look.
"Such as?"
"Why was their flesh burned down to the bones? Why was their skin sticky when you retrieved them from ground zero?"
Brett blew out a puff of smoke. "Why don't you ask your Army Major butler cum bodyguard about it?" His voice dripped with hatred.
I was taken aback by his behavior. "What do you mean?"
"Ever heard of a Phosphorus bomb?"
I shook my head in reply.
"All these people died from a Phosphorus bomb attack. I had to sit down in front of the police, intelligence—to testify what I had seen, what I had known. They told me the bombs terrorists used were phosphorus bombs. They mix petroleum jelly with phosphorus so that people could burn properly. And God knows what awful shit they had used in those bombs," Brett spoke like a ghost. My heart sank with his revelation. I had heard about phosphorus bombs in movies, but I had no idea how horrific they could be.
But then another thought hit me: If all the bombs were planted inside the tunnels, then how big were those bombs?
Without a single thought left in my brain, I called Rhys. He didn't answer my call. So I decided to call him again, but I received a page from the CCU unit. One of my patients had high blood pressure but a very low pulse; he was likely having a myocardial infarction. So, I texted Rhys about the bombs and everything I wanted to know from him.
Momentarily forgetting about my text to Rhys, we rushed to give CPR to my CCU patient. I heard the ping of my phone, assuming he had texted me back.
As the night went on, I forgot about Rhys. I forgot why I had texted him in the first place. My shift ended at 8 pm, but I had to sign off on discharge papers and prepare official case documents for some deceased patients as the police had requested. So, I returned to my office and began my work.
Lost in front of my laptop, my phone buzzed. Rhys had called me. I decided to ignore it. It buzzed again. I ignored it. It kept ringing, so I put it on airplane mode and focused on my work.
My office telephone rang from the table; the director was calling me. I knew for sure that Rhys had called him to find out my whereabouts. Furious, I decided to go to his office.
When I opened the door to his office, my heart sank. Rhys stood there, dressed all in black, with significant dark circles under his eyes and messy hair.
Then I realized, it had been almost 15 days since I last saw him.
"Kaya, you never mentioned that you are in a relationship with Mr. Rhys Volkner?" the director mumbled, but I couldn't hear properly. Seeing Rhys in that shattered condition broke my heart into a million pieces.
"It feels like I haven't seen you in a year," Rhys said, as if he was pleading for water like a parched sailor stranded on a deserted island.
"Dr. Kaya is one of our most dedicated and hardworking doctors. You should be very proud of her contribution to this hospital. She has been working tirelessly since the metro blast," the director babbled humbly once more.
"When was the last time you ate anything?" Rhys asked me. I couldn't even remember when I had last eaten anything. But he looked sleepless and erratic.
"When was the last time you slept at all, Rhys?" I asked him instead of replying. He seemed agitated by my question.
"There's a lot going on," he tried to say, but he looked so tired. Rhys turned to the director and asked if it was possible to grant me three days of leave from work and roster duties. The director was surprised to discover that I had been volunteering extra hours on duty.
So, against my wishes, he granted me five days of leave to impress Rhys Volkner.
___________________________________________________________
"You should not have done it," I remarked to Rhys as we buckled our seatbelts in the car. Rhys had come alone with two additional security vehicles, but they were merely escorting us; we were alone in the car.
"Kay, you look like a ghost. You need a break, some rest, and some sleep," Rhys protested. I shrugged at his suggestion.
"You look like a ghost," I insisted. He sighed at my remark and gave me a sad look.
"A lot has been going on for the past few days."
"Brett told me about the Phosphorus Bomb. Is that true?" I asked him. Rhys nodded slowly, and my heart sank at the revelation.
"How did they do it? I always heard of these types of bombs being dropped from planes or fired via rockets. How did they manage to plant such a thing in that small gap without raising any suspicions?" I asked him, but he didn't reply. Instead, he started to drive out from the basement of our hospital.
"Rhys?" I asked him again.
"Kay, I am driving, will you just let me drive in peace for fuck's sake?" He yelled at me.
His eyes were hazy and watery, as if he had been sleepless for a few nights. The headlights from other cars illuminated his depressed mental state.
My nagging had clearly irritated him, and in turn, his behavior infuriated me. So, I decided to ignore him for our awfully long one-hour car ride. I expected him to ask whether he should put on some music in the car or not, but he remained silent and utterly miserable behind the wheel.
I had no idea when the dark scenery outside lulled me into sleep.
_______________________________________________________
When I woke up, the car's engine was turned off, but the heater was on. Rhys was still seated in the driver's seat, his head slightly tilted towards my side, still sleeping. The cabin was dark, and I couldn't see outside.
"Rhys?" I called out for him, and he woke up instantly. I checked my watch; it was supposed to be around 8 am!
"Why is it dark outside? Why can't I see anything?" I frantically asked him. In his sleepy state, he flicked a switch, and suddenly, all the windows became transparent. They had been black and opaque the whole time.
We were parked in front of Volkner Manor. The rose bushes in front of the beautiful, semi-gothic manor danced in the morning light.
"Why didn't you wake me up?" I asked him. His beautiful face was dimly lit by the morning glow.
"You were sleeping so peacefully. I didn't want to ruin your sleep," he said. I couldn't help but sigh at his response. When we first kissed in Paris, he lifted me up to his hotel suite. He was always looking for an excuse to touch me, to carry me. But this time, he didn't.
"You could have carried me to my bedroom," I suggested to him. He smiled depressingly.
"Kay, I will not touch you without your permission. You were peacefully asleep, and I didn't want to wake you up. That's why I blackened out the window glasses."
"How did you do that?"
"Volkner technology."
"Hmm. What made you decide that you would not touch me without my permission?" I asked him. His expression changed to bitter for a second.
"I don't want to do anything that hurts you."
"You think you can hurt me any further?" I mocked him. He almost teared up, and I started to feel angry at his expression.
"Kay, I didn't have a normal childhood. I didn't grow up like any other kids you know. I know I am selfish, rude, arrogant, obnoxious, hurtful, narcissistic, etcetera, etcetera. But I am trying to be a better person for you. In every shape and way possible. So, help me. Please." he begged.
"Why do you want to be a better person for me, Rhys? What's in it for you?" All the voices in my head were cursing at him, angry at me. Little Kay was throwing hot gravel at me for trying to trust this man once again.
"Because I love you," he confessed helplessly.
Every single voice in my head went silent for a moment. Then Little Kay asked him, "What is love, Rhys?"
Rhys gave me a confused look.
Seriously, at that moment, I also wanted to know what love was. What does love feel like? What does it actually feel like to be truly loved by someone?
"I-I don't know," Rhys mumbled softly. "... All I know is that I never want to keep anyone safer than I want to keep you safe and happy. I just want you to be the happiest woman on earth."
A teardrop fell from the Prussian blue ocean, and it somehow enraged Little Kay even more. She told me something at that moment, and I decided to deliver it to Rhys without filtering a single thought.
"I thought I loved you, Rhys. But, you know what? I didn't. I was just sexually attracted to you because I thought you were the most handsome man I had ever seen. That's it. There is no love between us. At least not from my side. So, I suggest you check on your emotions again, whether there is anything called love for me in your mind at all. And I do not believe there is any."
I said all this, opened the car door, and slammed it shut as hard as I could. My whole body was ignited with anger and rage as I marched towards Volkner Manor.
Rhys came running behind me and grabbed my arm.
"I just want you to be safe," he begged me, but I yanked my hand away from him.
"I don't need you to keep me safe! I don't need any of your people to keep me safe!" Every single cell of my body broke down in tears as I yelled at him with all of my might.
"..... Little Me needed you! When I was eight, I was begging for someone to save me. Where the fuck were you when I needed you?"
My wailing echoed off the walls of the manor's exterior, causing ripples in his ever-flowing silent tears.
"I don't need you, in any shape or form possible. You have caused me so much pain! And I fucking regret meeting you! I was just another stupid woman who had fallen for your physical beauty! I do not love you in any way! Let me tell you something: I can keep myself safe. It's you who caused all this drama for the last six months."
"Kay, please..."
"ENOUGH!" I screeched at him so hard that it felt like I had ripped apart my own throat. Rhys jumped backward a few steps at my screeching.
I kept crying at him helplessly, while Little Kay cried in my heart.
"I needed you, and you weren't there for me. So, I saved myself from everything. Now, I don't need you, not anymore....."
Rhys looked like a lifeless mannequin standing on the driveway of the manor, looking at my path with all the horrors of this world displaying in his eyes.
As I stopped giving him any shits, I walked away from him to my bedroom on the second floor.
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I slept aimlessly for God knows how long until a gentle tapping on my bedroom door awakened me. This room had very large arching windows, and I had removed the curtains to watch the sky from my bed. The sky displayed reddish darkness outside, with darker tree lines fading in the distance.
As I opened the big door, I saw Rhys standing there, wearing the same black attire as in the morning.
The wave of our morning brawl washed over me, igniting my anger once again.
"You haven't eaten anything all day," Rhys mumbled with his heavy voice.
"I know," I replied curtly.
"We should eat something," he advised.
"Okay, go eat something. Leave me alone," I said, proceeding to shut the door in his face.
"I will not eat anything without you," His voice was firm, firm enough to agitate me.
"Eat what? Caviar and Champaign from your Caelus hotels? My mouth is not suitable for any more Volkner opulence. You can eat all those Caelus shits you want." I proceeded to shut the door in his face.
"I have cooked for us. Bangladeshi Shrimp Curry, with rice and daal, the dish you taught me to cook," he said pressing his hands between the door and the doorframe to stop me from shutting the door down, and my heart skipped a beat. Rhys noticed the change in my expression and left me alone in the corridor to the round staircase.
As he descended to the first floor, I peeped from the second-floor mezzanine. The aroma had filled the floor, so without protest, I tiptoed behind him. He saw me there and laid out the chairs, serving me food.
"These shrimps are not from the UK, I asked them to bring me some fresh Bangladeshi shrimps from Chittagong, so they exported them. It was a bit frozen, I hope it tastes as good as you expected," he explained as he served me rice.
"Eat with your hand," Rhys suggested as he saw me using utensils. I followed his suggestion, washed my hands in the sink, and started to eat. Every morsel of food was filled with so much flavor and aroma that I momentarily forgot it was made by a Caucasian man who might have never been around Bangladeshi dishes.
I ate with my heart full, content, filling up each layer of my stomach to the brim. I couldn't remember the last time I had eaten such amazing curries with such contentment. When I realized I couldn't eat anymore, a few morsels of food were left on my plate. I looked at Rhys, seeing him relax as if he had just saved himself from a death sentence. Knowing he hates wasting food, I quickly finished the rest.
"So, how was my cooking?" he asked me, and I smiled at him.
"10 out of 10," I complimented as I washed the dishes. Rhys didn't allow anyone on the floor when we were together to avoid any suspicions.
"Better than yours?"
"Better than mine."
My compliments made him smile beautifully, ear to ear, and I realized I had been the biggest asshole to him this morning for no apparent reason. Dumping my own traumas on him, in which he had no participation, was unfair. I had successfully hidden my past from him, and my behavior had made me irritable. So, I decided to talk to a psychiatrist at my hospital when I returned to work. I needed to sort out all these traumas. My workload had also damaged my brain for the past few weeks.
I needed to be a better person for someone who had been nothing but kind to me for the past month. Maybe he had made mistakes, but he was adamant to make amends. Also, I needed to sort out my own mistakes as well. However, I knew my narcissistic behavior had started to push Rhys away from me, as he again stopped talking to me without my initiating any conversation.
Rhys bid me goodnight before ascending to the third floor, where I had never been since coming to the manor.
____________________________________________________________
I ate so much that I had a fantastic sleep that night, peaceful in my warm bed.
For some reason, I automatically woke up at 5 am. My body couldn't stay asleep any longer. So I decided to venture out into the garden outside of the manor. But when I came to the first floor, I realized that Rhys was sleeping on the sofa in the lounge space attached to the dining and kitchen area. Two laptops and a few files were scattered on the large tea table. I realized that he had been awake last night and might have fallen asleep a few hours ago. I decided not to disturb him and walked out into the garden.
The mist was still hanging low on the ground as I walked to the nearest rose gardens. The fragrances of freshly bloomed roses were intoxicating, it made my heart leap with happiness. Rhys knew I loved roses, so he made sure there were roses wherever I went. I decided that I needed roses for my bedroom, so I started picking some red roses with my bare hands.
As I was picking up a rose, a thorn pricked me. Before I could react, a warm hand grabbed my palm and inspected the prick. The thorn was still stuck inside.
So Rhys tried to pinch up the thorn from my thumb. When he was able to get the thorn out, I started to bleed. He pressed his thumb against mine until it stopped throbbing and bleeding.
For an instant, it felt like I was falling hard for him, once again. His beautiful hair was brushing against his forehead in the morning breeze. His stubble slowly turning into a thick beard, like Sameer I met in Paris.
"When did you wake up?" I asked him. His blue eyes looked straight into mine, pausing for a very long second before he asked,
"Kay, can we start everything from the very beginning, again?"
There was a yearning in his eyes that I could never avoid.
"I will walk out of your life if you want me to. But before that, I need a second chance from you. Please. I promise I won't ruin it, this time," Rhys begged me with a broken voice.
My hand was still in his hands, and I looked straight into his eyes to see what was lying behind them. Maybe, just maybe, there was more to Rhys than meets the eye. I needed to know this man as a human, not just as a beautiful set of flesh and bones. I needed to know Rhys—every version of him that exists out there. Just knowing Sameer won't solve my problems with him.
I needed to know Rhys, not just as a lover, but as a human being with flaws and virtues, just like myself.
What if he was the best human I had ever known? I had nothing to lose if I figured out he was the asshole he had always been since we met. When I came to the conclusion yesterday that I had never loved him, at least from my side, it was so liberating. It had liberated me from my own sky-high expectations, from my own prisons of perfection.
So, it's my time to fall in love properly, with proper caution.
With a deep breath, I made my decision. I nodded to him, signaling my acceptance of his plea for a second chance. Rhys's eyes lit up with gratitude, and a sense of relief washed over him. He took a step back, giving me space to process my decision, before returning to offer his hand for a handshake.
"Hi, my name is Rhys Sameer Volkner. I work at Volkner Corp. as COO. Can we be friends?"
I don't know why, but his approach was so childish that I started to laugh hysterically this morning. The sky started to brighten up, and I saw Rhys slyly smiling at his own clumsiness as well.
Friends?
We were everything for the last 6 months, but never friends. I know almost nothing about him, and a part of me cannot trust him yet. But I knew I had to forgive him, I had to move on from my own demons.
So, I shook hands with him. As I had decided to give him another chance, this time we should start from somewhere. And what was a better way to start a new beginning than with friendship?
I smiled softly, feeling a weight lift off my shoulders,
"Yes, of course. My name is Dr. Kaya Rashidi. But someone I have a huge crush on always calls me his Little Viper. So, you can call me a Viper as well. I wouldn't mind," I declared as I shook hands with him.
Rhys burst out laughing at me. His laughter echoed everywhere in the garden.
His laughter made me mesmerized by the fact that he was very kind, forgiving me for being a total jerk to him. I hadn't told him anything about me, yet he had forgiven me again and again for losing my temper at him.
While he was laughing at me, I made a silent promise to him as well, that I wouldn't be a d!ck to him anymore, and I would also be a better person for him.
For us.