NINA: I'll be there in 15 – bus was running late. Can you wait for me?
Ugh. I hated being rushed in a morning. In my usual style, I'd been at the bus stop twenty minutes early but no matter how early I was, it didn't stop the ancient bus from creeping round the corner nearly half an hour later than it was meant to.
RO: Stupid question. You insist on us coming so annoyingly early – and making me get up so annoyingly early – that I'm sure I can manage to wait.
I laughed. It was a stupid question. Even with my delay, I was still going to get to college nearly half an hour earlier than I needed to.
NINA: Fair point. See you in a bit.
I didn't know how, because it'd had never happened before, but I actually quite enjoyed it when Ro called me out on my nonsense. Normally, if anybody even hinted at some kind of character flaw or something that was a little odd about me, I'd be mortified. I'd want to hide away and never speak to them again. But no, here I was, quite happily engaging with being told how annoying my need to be early is.
I was changing. Slowly, frustratingly slowly at times, but it was happening. The heaviness that I'd carried around with me for as long as I could remember was not getting lighter as such, but it was definitely becoming easier to carry. I smiled to myself. This was what I'd wanted. This was why I'd pushed myself out of my comfort zone.
For the first time in a long time, I didn't seem to get up in the morning feeling both heavy and empty all at once. I was excited about things. Enthusiastic about things. It almost felt like I was waking up.
Still mulling over my revelations, I stood up to leave the bus when we pulled up, spluttering disconcertingly, at college. I stumbled out of the doors, carried by the throng of students clearly desperate to further their education this morning. Well, more likely desperate to get their morning caffeine fix before they had to head into lessons.
I spotted Ro sat on the wall outside. She looked like she was talking animatedly to someone but I couldn't see who it was through the crowds of people milling around. I felt a familiar pang of anxiety about having to talk to someone new but I noticed that it was much weaker than it usually was. Clearly spending a successful Saturday night with new people had helped ease my fears a little.
I checked the time as I made my way over to them. We still had twenty minutes before we needed to be in Psychology. A bit more rushed than I liked, but still plenty of time. Ro smiled at me as I approached, raising her hand in her standard exaggerated wave. I smiled and waved back as the person she was with turned to see who she was greeting.
I felt my stomach drop and the smile freeze on my face as I locked eyes with him.
Ollie.
I hadn't expected to see him at all today and definitely not having an intense chat with Ro. By the look on his face, he was surprised and not overly pleased to see me too. To be fair to him, the last time he'd seen me, he'd left me soaking wet and limping at the café after finding me passed out in a storm so I could understand why I wasn't top of his list of people he wanted to see first thing in the morning.
Part of me wanted to run away but they'd both seen me now so I had no choice really. I carried on towards them, each step feeling like I was lifting a dead weight.
"Hey, Nina!" Ro said when I reached them. "This is Ollie."
I tried to make my forced smile a little more natural as I said, "Actually, we know each other already."
"Art class," Ollie offered, as Ro looked at him confused. "Nina's my partner for that sketching project, remember?"
"Oh, I didn't realise it was Nina you were talking about!"
I stood there awkwardly, not quite sure how to insert myself back into the conversation and also wondering what Ollie had said about me, whilst keeping me nameless.
"I didn't know you knew each other, so I guess I didn't think to mention names," Ollie shrugged at her.
Ro rolled her eyes at me. "He never thinks to mention most things."
"Not true," Ollie said.
There was silence for a moment as they looked at each other: Ro with her eyebrow raised and Ollie with a steely glare.
"I didn't realise you were in college today," I blurted out quickly, trying to diffuse whatever was going on here.
For the first time in this strange interaction, I looked at his face. His eyes were much more sunken than usual, his skin a little greyer and he looked tired, really tired.
"I'm not usually," he said, looking away from Ro and running his hand through his hair. "I had to drop something into the office."
"Oh," I said, not sure how else to respond. We didn't know each other well enough for me to pry into what he'd had to drop off. Clearly not as well as he and Ro knew each other, that's for sure.
"Right," Ro said, picking up her rucksack from the ground and swinging it over her shoulder. "We have to head up to psychology, so I'll talk to you later, ok?"
"Sure." Ollie nodded, then turned to me. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Nina."
"Yeah," I said, raising my hand in a lacklustre wave. "See you tomorrow."
*
Ro and I walked in near silence up the stairs to the psychology classroom. When we got there, Jen was setting up her laptop.
"I expected you to be waiting outside when I got here, girls," she smiled, as Ro opened the door. "Thought I'd have to send a search party."
We both laughed awkwardly at her joke before taking our usual seat. Jen was right – we'd usually be leaning against the corridor wall when she turned up – but today we'd got waylaid.
"My bus was late," I said apologetically. It was half a reason.
"You're still ten minutes early and the first ones here," Jen said, looking up from the cable she was fiddling with. "I'd hate to see how flustered you'd be if you were actually late."
Jen was good-natured but her gentle mocking of one of the things that gave me the most anxiety made me feel uncomfortable. I think Ro felt my unease because she gave my arm a reassuring squeeze. I thought back to earlier and how she had made a similar comment about my chronic earliness but it hadn't bothered me in the slightest. Maybe I wasn't changing as much as I'd thought I was.
Or maybe the strange encounter with Ollie had rattled me a bit.
I started to get my things out when Jen broke the silence. "Damn technology!" she stood up from behind her desk, clutching a wire. "I'll be back in a minute, girls – just going to see if I can swap this at the technicians."
As the door shut behind her, I turned to Ro.
"So, how long have you known Ollie?" I asked. It had been bothering me since we left him earlier.
"Oh, we were in the same class since Year Seven," she said. "So, about five years, I guess. We've only really been friends for the last couple though."
"You're close then?"
"Yeah, he's one of my best friends. He was meant to come on Saturday, actually. Couldn't make it, though."
"Oh right, I didn't realise."
"Why would you?" Ro smiled at me. "Ollie's right, annoyingly. None of us realised we knew each other so we didn't mention it. To be honest, it'd be weirder if we had done!"
"I suppose so."
"Anyway, it's a good job you haven't spent the last few weeks complaining about him, isn't it?" she laughed. "That could have been really awkward!"
"True," I laughed too, very aware that there was a strong chance that might have happened, if I'd known Ro a little better when Ollie was driving me mad at the start of the project. Especially after I'd slammed the door into his face at the shop. "You said he talked about me though."
"Oh yeah, he mentioned you a couple of times," she said, absentmindedly. "Nothing much – just said you were really good at drawing. Think he was a bit intimidated."
"Intimidated? Yeah, right," I snorted.
"I know, he doesn't seem the type does he?" Ro said. "He has a way of seeming so bloody cocky. It's infuriating really."
"A bit, I guess."
"I thought he was an idiot for the first few years that I knew him," she went on. "Then, I realised it was all an act and he wasn't actually as much of an arse as he made out."
I laughed at that. I could kind of see where she was coming from. Granted, I hadn't known Ollie anywhere near as long as she had but I'd definitely felt my opinion of him start to change as I'd got to know him over the last few weeks. I'd just assumed that someone saving your life would make them less annoying to you.
Now that I thought about it though, I'd started to find him better company after we'd spent some time working on our project together. Finding that he wasn't planning to lumber me with all the work was a bit of a turning point. So maybe it wasn't just the heroics that had given me a better opinion of him. Maybe it was something else.
*
I was jolted from my thoughts as Jen came back into the room, followed by the first couple of students from the class. The rest came in after them, filtering through in twos and threes. Luckily, Jen seemed to have had some success in the technician's office and was ready to get started pretty quickly.
After she'd given us some information and set us off on a research task, Ro turned to me and said, "He's a good guy, you know."
"Who?" I said, slightly confused that she was sharing such admiration for one of the many psychologists we were studying. I really hoped it wasn't Freud – that wouldn't have been a good sign.
"Ollie."
"Oh right, yeah," I said, quietly. "Yeah, I know he is."
Ro obviously read something in my voice that I hadn't meant to share. "Oh, I wasn't sure that you were a fan. You seemed a bit uncomfortable earlier when he was there."
I was starting to realise that I wasn't going to be able to keep this a secret much longer. It also dawned on me that Ollie clearly hadn't told Ro about his heroics the other week. Considering they were so close, I wondered why he hadn't mentioned it.
"I guess I was a bit," I said. "I've not seen him for a while and the last time I saw him, I kind of embarrassed myself a bit. Well, a lot actually."
"You never said you'd done anything embarrassing. I can't believe you're holding out on those kinds of stories!" Ro looked mock annoyed. "Come on, spill!"
"Ugh," I sighed, hiding my head in my arms. I didn't really want to share but I noticed that I felt more relaxed than I had done all morning. Somehow, despite my inner turmoil, Ro had a way of making me feel comfortable by just being silly.
"Nice try, but you've not actually made yourself invisible," Ro nudged me with her elbow. "You might as well tell me – you know I'm not giving up on this."
"Oh, I know," I said, reluctantly looking up at her. I knew there was no point trying to keep it from her. "Fine. I'll tell you."
"Wise move."
I raised my eyebrow. "Promise you won't laugh?"
"Can't do that, I'm afraid," she said, smirking. "I'll try not to though. Or at least try and hide it."
"Such a good friend," I pulled a face at her.
"These are excellent distraction techniques, but you'll get it over with quicker if you just tell me."
She was right. Time to give up.
"Ok, ok," I said. "You know when I ended up on crutches?"
"Not sure I'll be able to forget that any time soon. You were like a baby giraffe limping around all week."
"Thank you for that. Anyway," I went on. "I didn't tell you the whole story."
"What do you mean?"
"It didn't happen on the cliff path and I wasn't on my own. That's just what I told my mum and then I told you the same thing because the real version was so awkward and embarrassing."
"And this real version has something to do with Ollie?"
"Yeah."
We went quiet for a minute or two as Jen passed our desk, looking over our shoulder at the notes we'd started making on the screen. Luckily, whilst I'd been avoiding Ro's questions, I'd managed to get a few bits down, so it wasn't completely obvious how little we'd been paying attention.
"Go on then," said Ro, as Jen wandered to one of the other tables. "From the beginning – I don't want another dose of fake news."
"Well," I started. "You know Ollie and I have this art project together? One of my bits was to sketch the beach, so I was doing it from the café. It's not the best view but it's alright –"
"Don't think this part is the interesting bit, is it?" Ro interrupted.
"Thought you wanted the whole story?"
"Yes, yes, go on."
"Anyway," I said, pointedly. "The storm was pretty bad and whenever the weather gets like that, I always end up thinking back to that night with Zach. You know, when he got hurt?"
Ro nodded, her face a little more sombre now. She wasn't poking fun at me anymore.
"I got in my head about it. I was convinced he was out on the beach again and I was just so, so worried about him that I left the café to check."
Ro's eyes widened but she didn't speak. She had this way of knowing when to say nothing at all.
"I didn't plan on being long, just five minutes to run along the coast path and look down. I guess I didn't really expect him to actually be there."
"But he was?" Ro's voice was a whisper. I wasn't completely sure if it was because of what I was telling her or because she didn't want Jen to catch us chatting.
I nodded. "I saw him running from the sand into one of the caves in the rocks," I said. "And then, I was just so angry. I didn't really know where it came from. I was just so cross that he'd do the same thing again, you know? That he'd put himself in such a stupid amount of danger again after everything that happened before."
I looked determinedly at the screen as tears welled up in my eyes and threatened to spill over. The notes that I'd typed earlier started to swim in front of me. I felt Ro's fingers wrap around mine, but she didn't push me to go on.
I blinked a few times and started again. "So, yeah, I guess I was really angry and that's what made me go down there after him."
"In the storm?" I could hear the worry in Ro's voice.
"Not my best idea, I know," I gave her a watery smile. "I got down there as fast as I could. I think I was just planning to find him and drag him back up to the café to wait it out until the weather picked up."
"And did you?"
"No," I said. "I got to where I thought I'd seen him disappear but there was nobody there. I didn't really mean to go into the cave – even then I knew it was stupid – but I wanted to make sure he didn't get himself trapped in there. And then..."
Ro waited while I thought about what to say next. "Well, I don't really know what happened then."
She looked at me, confused, her hand still in mine. "What do you mean?"
"I think I must have passed out or fallen on something."
"Oh, wow. So that's how you hurt your ankle," she said. "You were bloody lucky that's all you hurt. You could have been trapped in there if the tide had come in."
"I know," I said. "Trust me, I've thought about that a lot."
A heavy silence hit us as we both thought about what could have happened. It was a scenario that had gone through my head in so many different ways.
"So, where does Ollie come into it?" Ro asked, clearly having just remembered that there was another part to this story.
"To be honest," I said. "I'm pretty sure he saved my life."
Ro looked confused but didn't say anything, so I carried on. "He found me in the cave," I explained. "I thought he was Zach at first but then I realised he wasn't. He sort of woke me up and then helped me across the beach and back up to the coast path. I wouldn't have been able to walk myself – even if I'd woken up before the water had come in."
"Bloody hell." Ro exhaled slowly.
"And then he covered for me with my mum because she'd have had a heart attack if she knew I'd been down there in the storm. Especially after what happened to Zach."
"I'm not surprised," she said. "I can't actually believe you went down there to be honest. It was really bloody stupid."
I winced. "I know."
"And," she went on. "I can't believe you didn't tell me what happened."
"I'm sorry," I said quietly, feeling myself tearing up again. "I was just really embarrassed. Like you said, it was bloody stupid."
"Hey." Ro looked at me. "It's ok. We all do stupid things sometimes."
"Yeah, but after Zach, you'd think I'd know better."
"Maybe," she said. "What happened to Zach anyway? Why didn't he wake you up?"
"He was hiding from me."
"He was what?" Ro sounded more confused than ever and I was pretty sure there was a hint of outrage there too.
"Hiding." I nodded. "He didn't know I was hurt. But he'd seen Ollie come down after me and thought we were together, so he was hiding from us."
"But why?"
"I don't really know," I said. "When I asked him, he told me he was embarrassed about how he'd acted the last time I saw him and then when he thought I was with someone else, he said he didn't want to see me then, so..."
I shrugged as I trailed off. To be honest, even though he'd explained it to me, I still didn't really understand why Zach had been hiding.
"Well," Ro said, directing the conversation away from Zach. "It's a good job Ollie was there then."
"Yeah, it really was."
"I'm surprised he didn't tell me about it actually," she said. "But then, if he thought you'd be embarrassed about it, he's pretty good at keeping things to himself."
"Is he?"
"Oh God yeah. He's got so much dirt on me from the last few years," she laughed. "Luckily for me, he's good at keeping it to himself."
"Oh yeah, like what?" I asked, intrigued.
"Couldn't possibly say." She mimed zipping her lips shut and I laughed. It felt good to have told her the truth.
"Suit yourself," I said. "I'll just have to get it out of him then."
"Good luck with that."
I smiled, turning back to the laptop again. "Come on, we need to get some more of this done anyway."
"Nowhere near as exciting as hearing about your near-death experiences."
"Well, hopefully that'll be the last one I ever have."
"Or, if you do have another one, hopefully Ollie will be there to save the day again?" she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.
"Well, considering he's barely spoken to me since and has been avoiding seeing me, I'm going to assume he probably won't be."
"What do you mean, avoiding you?"
"Well, you saw how standoffish he was with me earlier," I shrugged. "And he didn't come to art last Friday. I'd psyched myself up to get the awkwardness out of the way and he didn't show. I just figured he didn't want to see me after what happened. Can't blame him, I guess."
"That's not the reason," Ro said quietly, almost sadly. "Just trust me, he's not avoiding you."
I looked at her, but she didn't say anymore. I desperately wanted to know what she wasn't telling me but, since she'd asked me to trust her, I decided to do just that.