CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Apologies From the Seven Hells
Robb's POV
It's been three weeks and Alana has barely woken up for more than an hour or so at a time. She's so overly exhausted and all the stress caught up to her at once making her sick and causing her to faint. It's my fault. It's all my fault.
I keep fucking up everything, Theon was right. I have no idea how to be happy. I have no clue what to do when something good happens to me because I'm always so stuck in the bad things that have happened that I cause even more bad to happen. It's an endless cycle.
But this time... I haven't left Alana's side. Even then, when she has opened her eyes she turns her head away from me and sobs silently until she falls back asleep again from the medications that Maester Luwin has been giving her for pain and relaxation. Medicine to keep her from becoming too stressed and delivering the baby too early.
She was right when she said I abandoned her before. I was an asshole and I made mistakes. Big ones. But I'm going to fix it now because I can't lose her. Of all the people in this world I truly would not survive if I lost her. Dead or alive... Losing her in death I'd die too. But losing her in life? Watching her fall in love with anyone but me, watching her live and not including me in anything would be a fate worse than death.
Perhaps it's what I deserve though.
I don't deserve her or her love.
Although we were never supposed to be here. Never supposed to fall in love. I should be just sitting here by her side out of duty not love. I should be here only concerned to be sure that my heir is okay. Not because I'm terrified of losing my child and losing my wife too.
Six months ago we got married and I didn't realize what I truly had until I nearly lost it all. For real this time. I need to be more like my father and stop self-sabotaging myself. I need to be more like my father because I... I'm going to be a father. I can't let my child grow up and learn my behavior and think it's how a man should be. Because it's not.
Alana began to stir again and looked directly at me, a frown on her face and I still reached for her hand. For the first time she didn't pull her hand away. Either because she still feels something for me or because she's too weak to move her hand away.
"Do you need water?" I asked softly and she shook her head. "Do you need anything?"
Silence.
"Alana..."
"Don't." She muttered. "Don't do this. Not right now."
"I'm sorry and I can't express it enough to you." She doesn't want to hear it right now but I can't let it go. Not yet. If she's awake and at least willing to look at me I need her to know that I will give my life for her happiness.
"Robb I told you I'm not ready to talk to you. I don't want your apologies and I just... I can't believe you. After everything... I trusted you and you trusted me and you just... You blew it. Actually, you let another girl blow you." She crossed her arms and glared so angerly at me. I don't blame her for her anger, I deserve it. I deserve for her to hate me as much as I hate myself right now.
Forcing myself to swallow so I don't throw up from how horrible I feel I nodded. Wanting to just nip this in the bud before it gets worse. Because how worse can it truly get? She hates me again and this time it's not because of a misunderstanding. It's for a valid reason.
I wasn't loyal to her.
Like my father wasn't loyal to my mother.
My father admitted the whole story of Jon to all of us. How he thought he was going to die when he was at war fighting Robert's Rebellion and so... He went to a tavern for one night of fun before a battle. He met a girl named Orlah who had dark hair and dark eyes and skin white as snow. She was a northern girl and sweet as can be. My father liked her a lot and took her maidenhood from her.
He took her to the camp with him and enjoyed every moment with her. He felt guilty because he had wed my mother but he thought he would never see her again anyway. So Orlah traveled with him. Stayed with him each night and tended his wounds. After a few months they found that she was with child. His child.
Jon was born on a stormy night and my father said that the Gods had been so angry with him they punished him for having a bastard son. Orlah died from child birth and made my father promise to take the best care of him and he sure as hell stuck to that promise.
I won't allow myself to be in that position which is why all my bad and toxic ways have to end. Now. I need to prove that not all Stark men are bad. Jon didn't think about the fact that all actions have consequences when he was sleeping with a married woman. Then Aerion died. Like how Orlah died having Jon because my father wasn't faithful. The Gods punish us and I feel like that's why one of my children already died. As a way to punish me for my horrible ways.
"You're angry and I understand that." I said softly. "I only ask for this chance... This one chance to prove to you that I am a good husband. That I can take care of you and our child. We can make this work, please."
She looked away and didn't say anything.
"Alana," I begged. "Please. Remember the good times we shared... You're right when you say we've been through a lot together. Remember how much fun it was when we deceived Jeyne? Letting her think she tore us apart? How stupid would we look now if we let her think she did tear us to ribbons."
"The only person here who looks stupid is myself." She replied. "Can you see if I have any letters? I'm awaiting one from my mother."
I nodded and rose to my feet. "As you wish, my love."
-
The letter in my hand remained sealed with the Lannister seal on it. Crimson wax and a lion staring up at me. As curious as I was to read it I knew I had to keep myself from doing so. I'm trying to earn Alana's trust back and I feel as though this right here is just her testing me. If I open this letter it means we can't trust each other.
If I deliver the letter unopened and look away as she reads it? We can trust each other. In fact, she may even tell me what it says. At least, I hope she does. She is my wife and I want to know if everything is okay. If it has to do with her father's injury or something else.
I walked back to the room and knocked on the door as I opened it slowly. I handed her the unopened letter and she smiled when she saw it was still sealed. She tore it open and her eyes scanned each and every word carefully.
She folded the letter up again and gave a single nod as she placed it on the night stand. I raised a brow to her but she remained silent. Only sitting up slightly to adjust herself in the bed and that was when I jumped to my feet to fluff her pillows and help her get comfortable.
I waited patiently. Ever so patiently. Wondering if she'd mention anything to me but she didn't. She just rang a bell and asked for the servant to bring her a cup of tea and something light to eat. I offered to get it for her but she shook her head and told me to sit.
Well, she doesn't want me to leave her side at the moment so I'm taking it with a grain of salt and not letting it become a big deal. As badly as I would like to run her little errands for her I know that the best place right now is by her side.
"Robb." She said firmly. "Once I can travel after the baby is born I will be taking a trip to see my parents."
"Just you?" I asked softly.
"Myself and the baby of course." She replied.
"And me?"
She shook her head. "I need my space and I need to clear my head, Robb. How can I do that with you up my ass constantly?"
"You don't have to go." I argued. "There's still around three months until you have the baby and who knows how long until it's safe for the baby to travel. We may be perfectly fine by then."
"We will never be perfectly fine." Her words were sharp as swords. "I will never trust you again."
"Let me prove myself-"
"Fine." She glared. "You have until this baby is born to earn back my trust. The day I give birth if I do not trust you even in the slightest... I will leave and I will stay in King's Landing with my parents and I will raise this baby alone. Because I will know that there is no love between you and I. I will make do and fill my days with my duty as best as I can and we will have a strictly political marriage from a distance. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, my Lady. You do." I didn't understand how it got this bad. Arguing wasn't going to make it any better so I just swallowed it and took it. Like a bad medicine. Leaving a sour taste in my mouth as it burned the back of my throat.
She nodded. "Good. You did pass your first test of trust." She pointed to the letter. "I expected it to have a broken seal and for you to tell me some lies that Maester Luwin had opened it to see who it was for. My mother has her own seal she uses for letters to me and the Maester is aware of that, he is under strict orders not to open my letters. That's how I'd have known if you lied."
"I can't deny that I had been tempted to open it." I admitted. "I had a feeling it was some sort of loyalty test."
She sighed and a smirk tugged on her perfect lips. I wanted to kiss her and remind her that I do love her. I wanted her to feel my love physically as well as allowing me to express it emotionally but now isn't the time. She'd only push me away. Or vomit on me.
The servant came with her tea and a few pieces of toast for her and she took one look at her tea and nearly came to tears. I could tell even from where I had been sitting that her tea was not made the way she likes it. I reached over, took the cup, and went down to do it myself.
Upon my return I found my wife cozied up with a book in one hand while Grey wind was nuzzled under her arm, while the other hand was on her stomach. I brought her the cup of tea and she smiled at me. A real smile.
"You didn't have to do that." She muttered as her gaze went back to the pages.
I shrugged and then sat back down next to her. "And let you cry because of your tea? I think not."
"Your title may be prince but you are not some prince from a fairytale to sweep me off my feet and ride away on your stallion into the sunset."
"Is that what you're reading right now? A book about a prince who sweeps a princess off her feet and they fall in love and ride off into the sunset?" I joked.
Sansa loves those types of books. When my mother and father told her she'd be wed to Joffrey someday she had gotten so wrapped up in her mind that because he was a prince and someday to be king, she'd be living a real-life fairytale.
Little does she know she's only being wed to Joffrey to keep the realm from knowing the truth about him that King Robert had told me about. Something I don't really think anyone else knows about. I don't even know if Alana knows.
But it's not my place to out her brother.
Alana shook her head and giggled slightly. Biting down onto her lip to try to hide the smile on her face but I know she missed our simple conversations like this. The ones that would turn playful and then we'd end up tossing about in the covers.
I know she's thinking about it as much as I am right now.
"No," softly she replied. "I'm reading about childbirth and what to expect after having a baby. I helped my mother a lot with Tommen when he was born but I was still only a child myself and the wet nurses did a lot of the work. Even though my mother argued with them that she wanted to do things herself like nursing him and putting him to sleep at night."
I give a comforting nod; it eases my nerves to know she is learning so much right now to prepare herself. I stare at the spot on the bed near her but I know that Grey Wind would be a barrier. She catches me looking at it and she gives me a nod in return. Allowing my permission to sit there.
Once on the bed I start looking at the pages with her. My eyes widen in fear and disgust as I read the words on how childbirth works.
"I know babies come from... From.." I swallow hard. "But it rips to the... The-"
"My entire asshole. Yeah, you read that right." She laughs out her nose and shakes her head. "Are you sure you'll be able to handle being by my bed when it happens? Perhaps you'd like to do what my father does."
"Which is?" I raise a brow.
"He goes on a hunt and doesn't return until my mother sends a rider to tell him the baby has been born and is in good health."
"Ah." I pause. "So he missed your birth?"
She shook her head and looked sad. "No... No he was there." A hard swallow sounded from her throat. "He stopped being in the room after... After my twin was lost. Gods, I'm sorry Robb... It's in my blood to ruin everything. I lived and my brother died. My father had to take care of my dead brother while my mother grieved but tended to me. Isn't that just awful?"
I wrapped my hand into hers. "Why do you think it's in your blood to ruin things? Because your brother died as an infant? Because a baby of ours was lost? Because I was an idiot who made a bad decision that ruined our marriage? No, Alana. These things are not in your control. The Gods sometimes are cruel, you and I both know that, but I made a shitty decision and it had nothing to do with you ruining anything. It was all me."
Tears streamed down her face and she didn't even attempt to clean them. She placed the book down on the side table and in that same motion Grey Wind moved to the foot of the bed and for the first time in a long time... My wife wanted me to hold her.
"I love you, Alana... I truly do and from the heavens to the seven hells I am so sorry for what I've done... For making you feel as though it is all your fault. It's not. I promise you it'll never happen again."
She sniffled and took a deep breath. "I love you Robb, but I just don't know how we can ever come back from this."