ROSE
After Lev had left, I was not sitting on the floor anymore, I was laying on the floor on my back.
I hadn't moved a single inch because all I felt was the agony of being left behind by somebody that I loved.
I had been laying on the floor for hours as the sun began to peak through the curtains, indicating that it was a beautiful weather regardless of the fact that it was the 1st of December.
It was the beginning of winter, but the end for mine and Lev relationship.
Not even the sunlight had been enough to make me get up from the floor.
I knew that if I got up from the floor and started my day, I would have accepted that Lev had left me in the middle of the night.
I could not accept that fact yet, I didn't think he had left me as I subconsciously was waiting for him to come back to me, and tell me that it had been all a nightmare, that it was not the reality.
I had fallen apart, and I wept for hours to no end, as my tears knew no limits while my heart knew no bounds to the love I had carried for Lev.
Lev was not somebody who would leave me, he was not a man like that, yet he left me without any explanation as he only told me to trust him.
How could I trust a person who keeps secrets from me?
A person who chose to walk away, and only come back a few weeks later.
Along the night, I had only gotten up once to take my phone from the nightstand. I returned to lay on the floor by the walk-in closet because I was waiting for him to call me and tell me the truth.
But the call never came as long and dreadful hours passed, he did not call me or text me, as I did not stop clutching onto the phone in my hand.
I could not rest because I was beginning to wonder how long I had been living inside a figment of my imagination.
Who was I without him in my life? And what would become of me when he was gone?
What would become of the twins?
My eyes were aching while I wiped away another tear because my eyes were swollen and most likely bloodshot because I had been sobbing until I could no longer let out another cry.
My gaze drifted to the clock on the wall as I realized that Lev had left me nine hours ago without any explanation.
If he gave me some sort of explanation, I could have understood him, but now he left me with nothing as he wanted me to wait for him and trust him.
Without meaning to, I checked my phone again and noted that I had no calls or texts from him.
I clutched tighter onto my phone as the feelings of hopelessness flooded me, because I had no idea that he thought so little of me, so little of the twins.
I went on social media because I was searching for the truth, maybe an article about him? Or a post about him?
I clicked on Lev's cousin, Nina's account as I scrolled through her recent pictures, but he was not in any of them.
Her account included pictures of herself or her lavish lifestyle that came from being born a Mikhaylov.
I clicked away from her account, but stumbled upon Oksana's account, Lev's other cousin that seemed to dislike me.
Her account was mainly pictures of herself, or her daughter, but in recent pictures, about three months back she had taken a photo with Ana as they were in Portugal, France, Switzerland.
They seemed to have been traveling together through a few countries in Europe.
Oksana had tagged Ana on her pictures as I clicked on Lev's ex-wife account, and her account was not private as I could scroll through her pictures.
But exactly an hour ago, Ana had posted a recent picture as I clicked on the image, and I felt like my soul as well as my value had meant nothing to Lev.
Ana had taken a photo in Gran Canaria, on the same island that I had been forced to have a honeymoon with Damian and Marcella.
She seemed to have been laying on a chair as she had taken the photo of the beach, along with the sunrise as the sky created beautiful colors of blue, pink and orange.
But in the middle of the picture, Lev was standing on the beach as his ankles reached the ocean water, while he was wearing a pair of shorts and a shirt.
Lev was standing by himself in the photo with a look of delight on his facial features.
I had hoped it was not him in the picture, that maybe it was an old picture of him, but it was not.
In the caption below the picture, Ana wrote, "My one true love will undoubtedly stand by my side through thick and thin."
And my own heart was shattered into countless pieces all over again by Lev.
I did not think as I threw the phone across the closet, and it broke moment it landed on the floor.
I felt like I was losing my mind and heart altogether.
I did not feel this kind of agonizing pain when my father told me he wanted me to kill myself, because I knew what to expect from him, I knew that my father never loved me.
But Lev was different, I knew that he loved me, or at least I thought he did.
That's why it hurt way more because I thought he loved me, his previous actions showed me enough.
Was this exactly how it felt to die? Because I felt like I was dying, I felt like a part of me was dying.
I barely managed to stand up from the floor with the help of the wall as I didn't want to be inside the mansion any longer, as every single thing reminded me of him.
It was too much for me to handle.
My limbs felt weak as I made my way out of the walk-in closet while I wanted to get out of this mansion, it was like sirens in my mind, urging me to get out of here.
You need to get out.
You need to get out.
You need to get out.
I felt trapped and dirty because I felt like I was Lev's mistress who carried his children.
I had been lied to by Lev, he did not tell me anything at all about going back to Ana.
I asked him if he chose her, as he did not confirm or deny anything, but I got my clarification from her post.
But I did not care if they were in love with each other, good friends traveling together or trauma bonding over their daughter's death, I was done with him.
That's the reason I had made my way out of the master bedroom, passing by all the guards, since I knew their routines.
I almost stumbled over my feet because I almost passed by Lev's right-hand man, Ivan.
He did not notice me, he was busy reading through a few documents in his hands as I sneaked past him, past the living room as I made my way towards a door that would lead me to a garage.
I pushed opened the door, walking down a staircase as I turned on the lights once I reached the bottom because I was inside the enormous garage that had many different cars lined up, from sports cars to trucks.
I picked one car to drive in, and I did not care which car because I felt sick, all the tears I had spilled for him were never worth it.
I got inside the car and sat in the driver's seat, as the car keys were already there because nobody had attempted to steal the cars.
I started the engine as the car was full of gas and I began to drive out of the garage, and I knew how to drive because I had a driver's license thanks to my best friend, Perry.
The entrance of the garage automatically opened for me because it had a special device within that could detect when a car was about to drive out of the garage.
It saved much more time, because you did not need to go and press on a button to open the garage.
I drove out of the garage as there was not a person in sight outside the mansion because in the early mornings they had staff meetings.
I drove through the long driveway until I reached the gates of the mansion as guards were standing on guard.
But they opened for me without having to identify myself because if I was driving Lev's car, they thought somebody like Ivan was inside.
The moment I hit the road after passing by the gates, I started to laugh to myself as tears fell from my eyes because I did not want to go back to that mansion, it was too painful.
It was such a gorgeous day with the sky blue and the sunrise rising slowly over the horizon as the thin layers of snow covered the trees along with the ground because it had slightly snowed the last few days.
Yet, I had left the mansion in a hurry as I didn't have a phone with me nor did I tell anybody I was leaving, I left just like he did.
I drove through another path that had lesser cars as I failed to notice the pain in my lower abdomen that had been ongoing for a few hours, because the throbbing pain in my chest was far worse.
My vision became blurry once more while I wiped a few tears from my eyes as my attention shifted to Lev and Ana's relationship as a burst of rage irrupted from within me.
I felt like a fool, and I was a fool.
For the first time in my life, I allowed myself to believe in hope, of the possibility that I was worth somebody's love and affection, but all that went into flames.
I did not know for how long I had been on the road, maybe a few hours, as I thought of the twins, myself, and Lev as tears never stopped to pour from my eyes.
Until I had run out of gas as the car stopped on the side of the road, and I was stuck in the middle of nowhere because on an impulse I had fled the mansion while I was heavily pregnant.
The car did not have any spare gas, it had nothing as it was already beginning to turn into evening since I had lost track of time.
That's what a broken heart would do to you.
I laid my head on the steering wheel while taking deep breaths in because I had gotten myself in a dangerous situation.
I did not think clearly the moment I saw the pictures of Lev in Ana's social media account since I lost it.
I lifted my head up to see if there were any nearby cars on the road, but I was on a small road surrounded by the white forest due to the snow, as cars did not seem to pass by the road often.
I decided to step out of the car as the cold weather gnawed at my skin because it was much colder during the evenings and nights.
But once I stepped outside the car, I felt weird, my body felt a bit strange as it felt like I was on period due to the aching cramps I felt between my legs.
I needed to hold onto the door of the car from the physical pain I felt in the lower abdomen as well as my groin.
Not only that, but as I lowered my eyes I noticed that my pajama pants were damp, an important thing I had not realized while driving through the road because I had a full-on sobbing attack.
But my water had broken, and I did not know when it happened during the ride, because before I left the mansion, my pants were not damp.
"Holy shit..." I mumbled to myself as I went through another wave of contractions, during which I hoped that my water did not break a long ago.
Otherwise, how was I supposed to give birth on the side of the road all alone?
I stood outside, holding onto the car door for dear life, as I felt the contractions for a few minutes until they ceased, then I was able to sit down on the driver's seat, closing the door behind me as panic flooded every inch of my being.
If I did not see a car on the side of the road, I would need to give birth to the babies all alone.
But if I did see a car, how was I supposed to explain my situation in Russian?
I did not know how to speak the language, as this moment proved the recklessness of my actions.
"Forgive me." I lay my hands on my stomach, asking for forgiveness from the twins, even if they were not born yet.
I was pleading for forgiveness because I was already acting like a bad mother.
I should have stayed in the mansion for their safety and then plan something from there, maybe I could have gone to Perry? Move out to another place instead of being in the mansion?
Instead, I put them at great risk.
"Forgive me." I let out a sob as I leaned my back against the seat.
I was also asking for their forgiveness because it appeared their father had abandoned them, just like my father had.
I did not have a father in my life, as I knew the pain and the difficulty of living without a father figure.
I had wished that my children did not experience the same pain that I felt.
I tried to put myself in Lev shoes, and came to the conclusion that If I had a pregnant partner at home, I would not leave them for a few weeks to spend time with another woman because my pregnant partner would need me.
Hell, I would never think of leaving my partner in the first place.
Lev was a hypocrite.
"Forgive me." I told my children one last time.
That day, I made a vow that if I could safely deliver the babies, they would never be an afterthought or a second choice, and if somebody made them feel that way, they had hell to pay for.