this is a continuation of the previous chapter, tale as old as time.
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Present day...
Taylor recalls, at one point in her childhood, learning why lying was never a good idea. She remembers a snowball metaphor. A lie may begin very small, seemingly insignificant, but as you maintain the lie it becomes bigger, more stressful and unmanageable. So you should never lie in the first place, to avoid this snowball (among other, ethical-related, reasons).
This is how her life felt. Like one, massive, uncontrollable snowball. Although, she maintained the belief that she wasn't lying. Travis knew she wasn't okay.
5 months ago...
For about a month after The Cupcake Incident (, that's what she called it in her mind), Taylor was all smiles around Travis. Mostly, it came naturally. Travis would always make her happy, regardless of how she's doing mentally. It's only when she had moments to herself, where her mind would run wild, and she'd begin to feel that suffocating sensation creep back towards her. So, during these moments, she'd do one of two things. Either she'd force it down, focus on what was real, Travis loved her and she loved him. Or, when that felt impossible, she'd run away. She found solace in her instruments. Coping disguised as working, was how she thought of it. She could tell that Travis was becoming less worried. And she felt like she was becoming less worried. It was manageable, at least, until it wasn't.
3 months ago...
Taylor had never slept amazingly. For many stretches in her life, her nights had been plagued by nightmares, resulting in Taylor often avoiding sleep in fear of waking up struggling to breathe, covered in sweat, and sometimes screaming. However, she'd also experienced the opposite; lying in silence for hours each night, desperate but unable to fall asleep. And this is what was happening again.
Travis definitely noticed, but she wasn't sure to what extent. It wasn't a new thing in their relationship, for him to wake up in an empty bed, but it was noticeably beginning to happen more.
"Taylor?" Travis had asked down the hallway one night.
"I'm in here," Taylor spoke as he approached the living room.
"Hey baby girl, why are you up? It's almost two."
"I never fell asleep," Taylor pouted, which turned into a wide smile as he leaned over the back of the couch to kiss her. She moaned into his mouth, and whined when he pulled away.
"You're going to be tired tomorrow," Travis said, stroking her cheek fondly with the back of his fingers.
Taylor shrugged, smiling, "I'll be fine. Why are you awake?"
"I guess I missed you in my sleep," Travis grinned, earning a giggle from Taylor. "Why don't you come back to bed, baby, try to get some proper rest."
"Okayyy, help me up."
"Yes madam," Travis playfully bowed, holding out his hand.
She fell asleep, eventually, after two hours of alternating between staring at Travis' sleeping face, and the ceiling.
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It only got worse, the streak of awful sleeps stretching on and on, with no end in sight. After a while of no midnight talks, Taylor thought Travis had grown accustomed to sleeping without her and had stopped waking up. She was lying on the grass outside, staring up at the night. Clouds enveloped the sky, so Taylor was occupying her mind by imagining the stars. She was trying to remember constellations when she heard the back door slide open, and footsteps pad across the deck.
"Taylor, what are you doing?" His voice was more confused than concerned, which was a change Taylor appreciated.
"Can't sleep." The answer felt so rehearsed at this point.
"Why are you outside?"
"I got bored of the living room."
"There are other rooms in this house."
Taylor smiled at that, turning her head to finally look at Travis. He smiled back at her, walking over and joining her on the ground. He sat near her, "Lift your head for a sec," he whispered. She did so, and he shuffled under so that her head was now on his lap. She looked up at him, she could only barely make out the shape of his eyes in the limited light. She imagined stars in his eyes.
"I love you," Taylor spoke.
"I love you, baby," Travis replied.
Taylor hated herself. This felt like the closest they'd been in the past month. There was something about the darkness and quiet of the night that made life feel less demanding and more relaxing, and sharing this feeling with someone felt so intimate. Of course, they still talked in the daytime. They laughed, they went out, they had mind blowing sex in the evenings. They were as touchy as usual, if not more. But every time Travis pulled her body into his for a hug, she could feel his desperation. She knew he was confused. She seemed fine during the day, mostly just tired. It was the nights that worried him. She had assured him that it was okay, she was used to it and that she was getting enough sleep, but he was never convinced. Unfortunately, there was nothing he could do to help.
Travis often asked Taylor how she was, and if she knew why she was having so much trouble sleeping, but she never allowed the conversation to go any further. She felt awful for it, but her instant response was always to just shut down. And every single time this happened, Taylor felt a divide between them. She was in genuine disbelief that Travis hadn't left her. He never yelled, the most that happened was he'd get frustrated with her lack of explanation. It was much worse when he'd get sad, and express his worry for her. Taylor's least favourite sentence, I'm worried about you, she began to hear a lot. She tried her best to reassure, but it had become futile.
"It's 4am," Travis spoke. Taylor remained silent. "Did you manage to fall asleep at all? Or have you been awake this whole night?"
Taylor didn't reply, which was a reply in itself. "Baby, I'm going to ask you to listen to me for a moment. Just let me talk," Travis pleaded softly.
Taylor swallowed, took a deep breath and nodded, staring into his eyes.
"This amount of sleep is not good for you. I'm worr-" he caught himself, "I'm concerned about you," he said with a slight smile. She smiled back. Once again, the night time calmed her. She would not be so relaxed had he tried to talk about this 12 hours ago. "I would feel a lot better about your health if you were at least sleeping in after all these late nights, but even when you wake up at 9 or 10 that's still, what... 5 hours of sleep? And those are just the nights that I know of. It kills me that I only know you can't sleep because I wake up sometimes. I wish you'd tell me when you-"
He cut himself off. Taylor felt the familiar pang of guilt. "Sorry. I'm getting off topic," Travis sighed. "I'm not trying to berate you, or treat you like a child at all. I know you know that the amount you're sleeping is not healthy. I know you must feel it. I just don't," he sighed heavily again. "It doesn't seem like you care."
After some silence, Taylor was surprised he didn't continue. "Care about what? You? I love you so much Travis. I'm really sorry if I don't show that enough."
"No, I know that. I love you," another sigh. He looked away from her steady stare, now facing the house. "Do you," he hesitated. "This sounds bad, but I don't know how else to word it. Do you care about yourself? About your health? Your sleep?"
Travis looked back down at Taylor to see her frown. It was eerily quiet. This conversation didn't feel real.
"Of course I do."
Travis nodded, "Okay, okay good." It was quiet once again. He looked away again, and Taylor took the opportunity to close her eyes. She could tell he wanted to say more. "It's just... I'm not calling you a liar, god that sounds bad," he chuckled slightly, "It just doesn't really seem like you do care."
"Okay..." Taylor was too tired to care about this conversation. She'd been awake for 20 hours, and was feeling it.
"You just, I mean, maybe you are and you just aren't telling me about it, so tell me if I'm wrong," he took a breath, "but you just don't seem to be putting any effort into figuring out why you're sleeping so badly, or trying to fix it. Oh god, Tay, that sounds bad. I didn't mean you don't put any effort, I just-" he paused. "Are you listening?"
She could hear that he was looking at her now. She nodded, not bothering to open her eyes.
Travis sighed again, so heavily this time. "I love you, a lot. I sound like a broken record, I'm sure, but I can't help but worry about you. I don't know how much you're keeping from me. I can't help but feel like your sleep problems might be a physical impact of whatever's going on in your head. I want to understand you, Taylor."
Taylor opened her eyes. His eyes were shining. She didn't need to imagine stars. Her heart broke.
"I don't understand me," she said softly. Travis' face froze, like he was in disbelief that she was talking. Fuck it, she thought. She had no idea why she was so withholding. This was her boyfriend. Why was she hiding away so much when he was practically begging her to speak to him every day?
"Something's wrong," she continued talking. The intensity in his gaze was too much, and she closed her eyes. "Well, not something. A lot of things. I don't know what to say to you. I just- my brain is too much. All the time. And at the same time, I feel like I'm missing a chunk of my brain. Like something's wrong up there."
"I... don't get it," Travis whispered.
"Exactly," Taylor lifted and dropped her hands from her legs. "I can't explain it. I don't know what to say," she huffed. Getting exasperated. She had finally decided to talk and she already deeply regretted it. "Look, I just... I've gone through periods in my life like this," she hesitated, "like, depression, or anxiety or whatever," she said quietly. "And I guess it's back, but I'll manage. It's fine. This is nothing compared to how bad it was in 2020. The sleeping thing - yeah I'm tired. This is probably the worst it's been. But it always sorts itself out. Nothing is permanent, or whatever."
Travis was silent. She knew she was jumping all over the place, he was probably trying so hard to make sense of what she was saying.
He surprised her by speaking, "Have I been doing something wrong?"
Her eyes snapped open. She should've known he'd blame himself, this is exactly why she hadn't told him anything until now. Taylor sat up, and turned to face him. Suddenly, the night lost all its magic and she felt a lump in her throat, as well as burning behind her eyes,
"No, Travis, please know that you haven't done a single thing wrong. You are perfect. You have been perfect. I'm sorry that I-" her voice broke. "God!" she yelled, burying her face in her palm as tears escaped her eyes. She felt his hand on her shoulder, and shied away. She looked at him. "I'm sorry, just let me explain this, please." Travis nodded.
"Travis, there's nothing you can do. Well, anything you can do, you're doing it already. Every day. Just by being who you are, by loving me. You might not realise it but I don't know how I'd survive without you. It's not your fault. My head is just fucked up, I promise."
"Okay," he whispered.
"I'm," Taylor sniffed and wiped her eyes. "I'm really tired," she offered him a wobbly smile, which he adoringly returned. "Can we just go to bed?"
Travis nodded, his eyes trained on hers.
"I'll be okay," she whispered.
"You promise?" he whispered back, reaching over tentatively to run his fingers over her leg.
They watched each other for a moment. It would be so easy to nod, or say yes. But she couldn't promise that. And he knew it, too. She stood up, taking his hand to bring him back inside.
That night, for the first time in weeks, Taylor fell asleep before Travis. He laid on the bed, watching her, replaying their conversation over and over in his head, trying to make sense of it. Trying to figure out how worried he should be.
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hi! uploading two days in a row is crazy for me! i hope you enjoyed this update, let me know if the writing style is too confusing. part 3 coming... not as soon. but eventually.