The next morning was pure horror, I will never drink anything again in my life. At least not in the near future. When I looked at the clock it was already eleven o'clock, at this time I was supposed to meet Draco. He definitely won't be mad, he'll understand. Why does getting up have to be so difficult? I had to force myself out of bed and that doesn't happen very often. It's probably the hangover. When I finally forced myself out, I went into our bathroom, where I met Hermione and Padma who were doing their hair. I was a little surprised, Hermione never straightens her hair and Padma never curls her hair. I took a closer look at the two of them; they had also put on make-up. Is today somehow a day where there's a party going on and I don't know anything about it? I couldn't hide my curiosity so I asked if today was a special day, I didn't expect her answer. Hermione is going to meet Pansy today, Padma is meeting George. I saw that both of them would need some time so I just put on my jeans and a sweater so I can make my way to Draco. I should get an award for doing anything with the fattest hangover ever and, above all, for even being able to think. But today it should be quite relaxed, we just have to think about what the hall will look like, there's nothing more. While I was walking in the hallways I heard everyone talking about the ball, somehow it made me happy, but somehow also sad because I can't join in the conversation. The big disadvantage of planning all of this. Shortly before I got to our classroom I went to the toilet so I wouldn't have to later. These two minutes don't make any difference. But just as I was about to go out of my cabin, I heard two girls talking, of course about the ball. Something told me not to go out, so I stayed in the cabin.
"I hope Mattheo Riddle invites me."
Oh damn. It's like a new memory is unlocking in me. Mattheo Riddle asked me yesterday because of the ball and I damn well said yes. Oh my god, why didn't I remember this in the morning? Shit shit shit, that can't be true. I agreed to the biggest teaser? Agreed to go out with him? It's practically like a date. Holy shit I must have been really drunk yesterday. Is there any way I can flush myself down the toilet? That would be a possibility. When the two girls finally went out I was able to go out too, I washed my hands, looked at myself in the mirror and was surprised at my decision from yesterday. I tried to console myself, maybe it won't be so bad, maybe it'll be fun, maybe he'll turn out to be a good boy. Right, maybe. I had to take a deep breath so that I could come across as normal, luckily I had told him that we wouldn't tell anyone. Well, he'll say he doesn't have anyone yet and I'll say it's a surprise. You have to give me credit for thinking about it carefully. On the way to the classroom where Draco was probably waiting for me, I thought of Mattheo. I imagined him next to me, dancing, looking at each other, smiling at each other and the idea doesn't seem too bad. Hopefully that is also true. But now I have to turn off thoughts of him and concentrate on something more important since I'm already in the classroom. Draco was sleeping on our map of the great hall, not even the squeaking door woke him up. I sit down next to him, to be honest I watched him a little. You just have to watch a face like that. I started to scratch his head, finally I felt his soft hair again. I can't express how much I would like to kiss him right now. What the hell am I talking about here? My head feels like a balloon, nothing is inside. But you can also notice that. But god do I love looking at him. I lay down next to him on the table and suddenly he started smiling. What? Why is he smiling?
"You can carry on but I haven't slept." He said with the most beautiful smile in the world.
I immediately pulled my hand away, now I was a bit embarrassed if I'm being completely honest, but I just pretended that nothing had ever happened. At least it always worked, so why wouldn't it work this time? He sat up, hugged me, it's probably a greeting hug, I don't expect anything else. He asked me where I was all the time, the clock was almost striking twelve and it was only then that I realized how late I actually was. When I explained to him what happened yesterday he listened very carefully, looking me in the eyes the whole time. I can't really maintain eye contact with anyone, but with him it's different. I could look into his eyes for hours. Suddenly I remembered my mother's confession, the relationship between his father and my mother. His letters also came to mind. I hesitated for a long time whether I should tell him about it, but in the end it has something to do with him. But he's not allowed to tell anyone about it and thinking about the relationship between him and his father, I could well imagine him using it against him. But after a long time and far too many promises, I finally dared. Again he put a spell on the room so no one could hear us. Luckily there is magic. I hesitated for another few seconds, but I have to tell him. Firstly because it's his father and secondly, the more important aspect for me, I just have to tell someone otherwise my head won't rest.
"It's best to be blunt, your father and my mother were, oh God, that's unpleasant. They were in a relationship."
If the concept of shock were a facial expression, you could put Draco's face in a frame and call it the 'shock face'. I think he doesn't know whether we should laugh or cry any more than I do, but he chose to laugh so I did the same. His reaction showed a variety of emotions, but I think the shock overtakes the other feelings that are within him right now. At first he thought I was joking, but after I swore it was real and I even saw pictures, he finally believed me. But I'm far from finished with the story.
"She told me that your father was a real asshole just because she was in Ravenclaw and is also a Muggle."
He looked thoughtful, maybe a little sad. Yes, definitely sad.
"His favorite place was the astronomy tower, my mothers was by the black lake." I added.
Now I think he can put two and two together or at least he can imagine what I'm getting at. However, I didn't tell him that our fathers were once best friends, those are small details that he doesn't need to know. They're relatively irrelevant if you ask me. I told him that they had never gotten along, and the silence afterwards was indescribably loud. You might think that it's not important because of our parents back then, but I disagree and I think so does he. During the silence between us I thought about what it would be like if they had stayed together, how my mother would be there and if I were even in the world. If so, I would definitely look different, I wouldn't have the facial features like my father, nose, mouth and eyes would be different. I suddenly thought about my appearance, I actually have all of my father's characteristics but I still look like my mother. Apart from the eyes, they are completely different. I looked at Draco, he clearly takes after his mother, maybe only his father's eyes are left there. I would like to know how it used to be between his mother and his father, but her statement that she thought they were soulmates says more than anything else. She really loved him, but he cared more about his family. Just like Draco. After I ended up in the bathroom yesterday, I thought about whether she really loved my father, but after much thought, one thing was certain, her love was real. My father didn't care if his family opposed him, he just wanted to be with my mother and when someone didn't like it, he broke off contact. Was the love between Lucius and mother just an idea? An illusion perhaps? Was it love at all or were they just in love and it faded after a while? Were they only together because mother held on to the memories? Because she thought she was nothing without him? Was she just like me? Now I thought about Draco and I, was this even love between us? Or just an idea of what love can be? An illusion? Damn the silence is not good for me.
"Similar to our story, that's why you told me, right?"
When he says it out loud now, it sounds like my real intention, which is exactly the reason why I wanted to tell him. I wanted him to say something about whether he thinks the same as me or whether he has a different opinion, whether he thinks that this was love between us or still is, I don't know. I just want him to convince me otherwise, that I think it was love between us, but the longer I think about it, the more certain I am that it wasn't love. It was an illusion of different feelings. Because why did he let me go, why didn't he fight for me, why did he treat me so badly, why did he cheat on me. No, it wasn't love, it was an experience. Love should be something beautiful and not something bad. It's supposed to feel nice and it didn't. That's exactly why I left, why my mother left.
"I don't think they loved each other." I meant.
"How come?"
I sighed loudly, explaining this to him would be a bit difficult.
"If you love someone, you would do anything to be with that person, wouldn't you? Your father wasn't ready for that, he let her go because he didn't want to face his family. If he loved her, he wouldn't care, just like my father."
He also sighed now, only it sounded like a suppressed, quiet laugh. I don't know if my explanation makes any sense at all, but I know what I think, I also know that it's true. You can't let go of someone when you love someone, my dad didn't and they are still happy together, even married. Only if it wasn't love between Draco and me, I still have to find my true love - but who? My mother found someone my age, I don't have anyone. Will I even find anyone? It may be that some people are not made to have soulmates, maybe I am exactly that kind of person? Maybe I can't be loved?
"Love is not always easy, if you really love someone then you have to let them go, even if it's difficult for you, if you realize that it would be better then you do anything to make it easier for her to let go."
Is he talking about his father or himself? It was hard to decipher this, but when I look at the statement in general terms, it makes a bit of sense. I just think it's a little stupid, love isn't always easy, he's right, but you do everything you can to stay together, that's the most important thing. It's 'us against the world', isn't it? But his opinion makes sense, so I can deny it as much as I want because he has it partly right, just like me. But one thing interested me, a single question that I would like to ask him about this topic. Does it seem a little exaggerated? Possibly yes. Do I still want to know? Definitely yes.
"Is that why you rejected me?"
I asked him the question very unsurely, I'm starting to get scared of his answer. I looked at him, waiting for some kind of answer, but he just stared straight ahead. As if he didn't want to answer the question. Just before I wanted to turn around, however, he gave me the answer, actually the one I wanted to hear. He nodded. Didn't look at me for a second, just nodded, sometimes looking straight ahead, sometimes looking at the ground. The main thing is not to look at me, those were definitely his thoughts. I took a deep breath, now I looked just like him, straight ahead. It's better to do that than stare, to be honest it feels good to just look. But with this answer he threw me off course again, I don't know what to think anymore. Did he possibly love me after all? Did he let me go because he loved me? Or still loves? I really should get an award for thinking so much when my head is just shutting down.
"The beginning of our relationship was like a dream for me, but it fell apart when my parents, mostly my dad found out. I don't remember how it happened, but it was terrible. They bad-mouthed you and your family, especially my father, he threatened me that something can happen if I don't stay away from you."
He spoke so coldly and without any emotion, it felt like I was right there talking to a robot.
"I did everything to make you hate me and make it easier for you to let go of me. But after it was over, I felt empty and couldn't think straight."
Now he looked at me and smiled, I guess that's the end of this conversation. He stood up and ruffled my hair, just pointing out that we should start with the plan. The clock has almost struck three o'clock, it can't be that we've talked for that long. Now that seemed to make a little sense, except it was a bad way to let him go. I hated him for so long for literally nothing, he just wanted me to be okay. And his father who threatened him, better said my family, if I could I would confront him. He definitely wouldn't have that much courage there. But now I wondered whether it was exactly the same with him and my mother. No, I'm not thinking about anything now except this hall plan, otherwise we'll never be finished and we won't have time from tomorrow, so we have to start with the decorations. We should have planned this better.
Now some time has passed, the clock already showed 8 p.m. and I was shocked that we worked on it with concentration. When we were finally finished I proudly looked at this plan and knew that this ball would be the best organized that the school had ever seen, not even the fourth year Yule Ball was as great as this one. I swear by that. Draco made a duplicate of our plan since we also have to give it to the elves, after all they are helping us. It's always good to build a bond with the elves here, because if you're nice to them then they'll be nice too. And how can you not like such elves, most of them are the cutest creatures there are. When I wanted to say goodbye to Draco, he asked me something. 'Would you like to go to the ball with me'. When he said this sentence I got goosebumps. Why, why does he have to ask me a day too late? Oh God, why? I could just run out, but that would be a little embarrassing.
"I'm sorry Dray, but someone has already asked me. If you had asked me earlier I would definitely go with you, I was afraid no one else would invite me."
He smiled, then repeated 'Dray', quietly but so I could hear him. Oh no, he's going to tease me about it now. But he wasn't angry, not even when I told him that it was a surprise who I was showing up with, he was just happy that I called him by his favorite name again. He just said I owed him a dance, I would definitly but anyway. Why did he ask me so late? But I'm slowly starting to be happy about showing up with Mattheo, I have a good gut feeling and it never lies.