“Xu Bai Chuan, I don’t like you, I love you.”
Xu Bai Chuan’s eyes instantly widened. He was blank.
This was completely against his expectations.
Without giving him any more time to react, Tang Jin continued, “I didn’t finish what I was saying last time— It’s true that I did like Song Yi Yu, and came out for him, but he chose to leave back then. Later on, you were the one who was always by my side.”
Those bad memories resurfaced once again. After recovering from his momentary shock, Xu Bai Chuan’s white face was tinged slightly red. It wasn’t from shyness, but anger. He said, “Tang Jin, I can cooperate with you if you want to return to how we were before. There is no need to make up these lies. I won’t be deceived by you!”
Tang Jin didn’t anticipate the backlash to be so intense. With great difficulty, he uncovered the thread of conversation within a tangled mess before getting wrapped inside again. Perplexed, he asked, “When did I make up lies?”
If in normal times, Xu Bai Chuan would probably not think much about it. Tang Jin could say whatever he wants, as long as there were fewer disputes, it would be for the best. But it was hard to bear this time around—What he wanted was Tang Jin’s true love, and not just a word spoken thoughtlessly to make him stay. If Tang Jin was easily tossing out what he anxiously longed for as bait in order to increase his bargaining chips, it was truly a humiliation.
“Three months ago, you said it yourself that you like Song Yi Yu. I didn’t know you were such a fickle person.”
Tang Jin’s expression could be described as horrified. In shock, he asked, “Three months ago? When did I say that I like him?”
Xu Bai Chuan didn’t expect Tang Jin to still play dumb after he said this much, so he might as well uncover his scars. “That day when you celebrated Song Yi Yu’s birthday, you said what you hate most about me is how I pester you.”
Tang Jin finally recalled that day:
——Between me and that friend, Song Yi Yu, who do you like more?
——This is what you wanted to ask? Do you know what I hate the most?
——Pestering?
——Correct.
Within a short time frame, Tang Jin’s expression changed several times. He finally had a clue of what was going on and spoke, then hesitated. “At that time, what I actually wanted to say…was knowingly asking questions.”
“What?”
“I believed…you purposely asked while knowing I like you…”
Xu Bai Chuan knitted his brows. He probed the truth in Tang Jin’s words, “What exactly makes you think I know?”
When faced with this question, Tang Jin also wanted to know the answer. Why was his past self certain that Xu Bai Chuan knew his feelings? Perhaps…if this matter never happened, he would have continued like this.
Tang Jin steeled himself. “I got carried away. You were too good to me, good to a point where you knew clearly what my habits and my interests are. Since our minds are very much in sync, there are times when you know what I am thinking without me saying anything, so I took it for granted and believed that you knew.”
“It’s my fault for being so stupid. I never know what you want.”
……
Xu Bai Chuan quietly listened to these words. Looking on at Tang Jin struggling but trying hard to make him believe him, he never would have thought their seven years together was this incongruous.
Even if he understood Tang Jin, he didn’t dare to think that Tang Jin liked him. To keep his hopes from falling apart little by little, it would be better to assume that Tang Jin would never like him in the first place.
Tang Jin never said that he liked him, and Xu Bai Chuan also never voiced his demands. It was hard to say whether Tang Jin hid his feelings too deeply or Xu Bai Chuan overlooked it too much.
It was simply like a joke.
Xu Bai Chuan really thought it was funny, oh, so they were always in love.
Those substantial feelings of pain and torment were actually caused by each person being immersed in their respective worlds. One was too proud to say anything, and the other felt too inferior to ask anything.
Throughout these seven years, he continuously reminded himself: ‘You are a despicable scumbag so you must bear it all. You have no right to feel sad, shame, or suffering…’ It was precisely his self-hatred born from Tang Jin not loving him that supported him, holding onto him so he doesn’t fall apart, thickening his skin as he faces all kinds of cutting remarks.
Yet now Tang Jin told him that everything was caused by his own actions.
They were actually always in love.
If it was truly like this, he only had one question for Tang Jin: “What have I been doing these seven years?”
Tang Jin was at a loss for words.
“If you truly like me, do I also have the right to pain, grief, and accountability?” Xu Bai Chuan had wanted to speak steadily, but his voice started to tremble.
“‘You believed’? You truly believe too many things. Do you also believe that as long as you say that you love me, I’ll weep tears of remorse and be deeply grateful?” Xu Bai Chuan wasn’t hysterical, yet the tears surged up. “Based on your own assumptions, you believe that I am invulnerable? That no matter how cold you are, I will be content?“
If Tang Jin doesn’t say he likes him, then he still had hope. Hope for when Tang Jin does come to like him one day, the world would be so beautiful. Yet only after going around in circles does he find out that this world, which was almost submerged by self-loathing, compromise, cynicism, and ridicule, was one in which Tang Jin loves him.
It turned out he was merely pursuing humiliation.
How preposterous.
Tang Jin realized that he was wrong. His hands frantically helped wipe his tears. At this moment, a knock sounded from the door. The nurse outside was just about to push a cart in, but she didn’t know whether to enter or retreat after being shocked by the scene before her.
“Xu Bai Chuan, I’m wrong. I’m begging you to give me one chance. I really…”
The nurse outside cautiously knocked on the door. Xu Bai Chuan raised a hand to wipe his face, then he said, “Tang Jin, let’s separate. Both of us should properly think things through.”
He turned around, opened the door, and allowed the nurse inside. Just when he was about to leave, Tang Jin suddenly hugged him from behind. No longer caring about how many were people were present, Tang Jin pleaded, “Don’t go. I’m begging you. I know I’m wrong. Whatever you want me to do, I can…”
Before he could finish speaking, he was suddenly choked. Due to being strained, his stomach, which had yet to completely recover, throbbed with pain and caused him to bend over uncontrollably. As if a whip was thrashing at his stomach, the stabbing pain came in waves and eroded his brain so that the person in front of him appeared somewhat blurred. He stubbornly grabbed at Xu Bai Chuan’s clothes over and over again but was unable to reach him.
Shocked by the sudden incident, Xu Bai Chuan promptly helped the nurse in supporting Tang Jin back to bed.
Tang Jin flusteredly grabbed Xu Bai Chuan’s hand and repeated over and over, “Don’t go. I’m begging you, don’t go.”
The person in front of him was no longer the person within his memories. Xu Bai Chuan forcibly freed his hand, stepped back, and silently said: “Goodbye.” Then he took another step back. Finally, he turned around and walked out of the hospital room.
That evening, Tang Jin’s mother rushed over from B city to H city and notified Xu Bai Chuan to meet her at the hospital. After rejecting her, he booked a plane ticket set for S city, then sat idly on the sofa until morning. In that period, his phone vibrated innumerable times and also died out innumerable times. He no longer wanted to look at it.
When he dragged a suitcase while walking out the neighborhood entrance the next morning, the door of a minivan stopped in front of him suddenly opened, and a dignified and elegant woman came down from it. Standing in front of the vehicle, her chin was slightly lifted, and she seemed to view everyone around her as ants. Seeing Xu Bai Chuan, she humbled herself by speaking out first. “Xiaoxu.”
The famous Yin Sulan was personally paying him a visit. This was a situation Xu Bai Chuan didn’t dare to dream of in the past. Yet now, he no longer wanted to take another glance at her. Dragging his suitcase, he nodded towards Yin Sulan and intended to walk past them.
Yin Sulan was clearly astonished by his cold demeanor. When she walked in his direction, her high heels made sharp sounds as they treaded on the winter asphalt road. Her voice already held slight anger, “You know why I came to see you.”
Xu Bai Chuan stopped and raised his head to look at this well made-up woman. She also had two eyes and one mouth, and didn’t sprout three heads and six arms. How could she genuinely think she was a cut above others? He was no longer the person in the past who deliberated his words in fear of upsetting her. Rather, he straightforwardly said, “Then you know my answer.”
Yin Sulan didn’t believe this person who hangs onto her son no matter what would willingly give up. Thinking that he was putting up a front, she warned him for Tang Jin’s sake. “Do you know that Tang Jin’s condition became more severe because of you? If you go back now, I can let bygones be bygones, or else, don’t blame me for being impolite.”
Here we go again. Were anyone to slightly displease her, they would be toyed with endlessly.
Xu Bai Chuan smilingly said, “Really? Then it’s fine to be impolite towards me. Unfortunately, I’m in a hurry so I can’t talk anymore.”
As an adult, Tang Jin knows how to cherish his body. And even if he doesn’t, there are bound to be a crowd of crying and shouting people pleading him to cherish it. It made no difference whether Xu Bai Chuan was here or not.
What was more, he was really tired.
Although Xu Bai Chuan was simply telling it like it is, Yin Sulan already felt that she suffered great humiliation, her bottom line was touched and face wounded. She stood for quite a while with an unsightly expression. After seeing how Xu Bai Chuan wasn’t fearfully apologizing, she coldly snorted. Her chauffeur immediately pulled opened the door when she slightly stepped to the side.
Yin Sulan sat inside the car, rolled down the car windows, and coldly spoke without even facing him. “The doors to our Tang household, since you’ve left, don’t ever think of entering them again.”
Xu Bai Chuan: “That’s exactly…what I want.”
While waiting to board the plane, his phone rang several times but he didn’t answer any of the calls. Then he took a look at a couple of messages he received. The sender was Tang Jin:
【Did my mom go looking for you?】
【Don’t listen to her. She can’t represent me.】
【I don’t want to use myself to threaten you. I’m fine, don’t worry.】
【I know I’m wrong. I can change everything, let me stay by your side. As long as you give me a chance, I can do anything.】
【Pick up the phone, okay?】
【I’m begging you, pick up.】
【Xu Bai Chuan, don’t go, okay?】
After deliberating, Xu Bai Chuan replied: 【If I figure it out, I’ll come back. If not, then we’ll just stay like this. Take care of yourself, best wishes.】
This was the second time he left a familiar place because of Tang Jin. The plane arrived in S city. Once he exited the airport, a teenage boy held a big sign with the characters ‘Xu Bai Chuan’ on it. He walked over, bent down, and asked, “Are you called Xu Yuanshan?”
The young boy turned around and glanced at the middle-aged man standing behind him. Xu Bai Chuan also followed his gaze and raised his head. He called, “Dad.”