CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Broken
Alana's POV
One Week Later...
When I first came to Winterfell I hated how bleak and dull it was. How everything was grey and moody. The sun would hardly shine and clouds darkened the skies. I hated how dark I thought Winterfell was. How these castle walls drained me of my joy that I thought I had from King's Landing all my life. But I had been wrong.
Since the day we received the news of Lord Eddard's death and my father's injury it was as though even the walls of Winterfell itself had been mourning. All of us dressed in black from head to toe. I know that I'd met Robb and he had been in darker shades of brown and even deep red shades. Sometimes grey and sometimes green. But never did he wear black. Not until now. He didn't even wear black when we lost one of our babies. He just... Kept on keeping on. As best as he could.
I didn't want to be alone in my chambers anymore. Winterfell now had officially passed hands and belonged to Robb and I. Lady Stark was now the Widow of Winterfell and I was the Lady of Winterfell. Princess of Westeros and Lady of Winterfell... Wife to the Warden of the North and Prince of Westeros. Titles I never wanted. Titles that Robb never wanted either.
Today I decided to take Grey Wind for a walk in the woods when I realized Robb was nowhere to be found. Not in our chambers. Not in the stables. Not the bath. Not the kitchens or the dining hall. Not anywhere in sight. No one could even answer me on where he'd gone.
When suddenly it hit me.
The river.
Robb always would go to the river where Aerion had died when he'd been upset. It was his sacred spot and even during these last few months I never once went there while he's been there. It's his spot. His quiet place.
But a person can only be quiet for so long and live in isolation for so long before they drive themselves to madness. I had begun to feel myself going mad in those walls of my chambers while on bedrest after losing one of my babies. I refused to let myself continue to stir and wallow in my own self-pity.
It had been one of the worst feelings of my entire life. My mother had lost a child before. In fact, I was supposed to have had a twin brother. He was lost during our birth and my mother says it's a miracle that I survived. My father took care of everything for my mother after that. She never even saw my brother after he was born. He was taken away ever so quickly. All my mother knows is that he had dark hair and blue eyes with a birth mark on his hand that was shaped like a crescent moon.
I never knew the truth about my brother or even having a twin brother until my mother wrote to me after I lost one of the babies. I didn't know I was having twins. I didn't know until one bled out and a few weeks later I felt the living one moving around. I thought I was dying, I thought something was wrong. Maester Luwin examined me and told me otherwise. In fact, it was all going so smoothly he only placed me on bedrest to be sure nothing could possibly go wrong.
Everything that had gone wrong felt like it was my fault though. That somehow I caused all of it just by coming here. Just by being born into the wrong family. Wed into a family who didn't need my bad luck. The trauma I've brought with me from the moment I arrived here. My father stole Lord Eddard away by asking him to be his new hand. I was forced to wed a grieving Robb who had lost his best friend just a year prior. Now Lord Eddard has passed away and I lost part of myself along with an heir I was supposed to give to Robb. A piece of himself.
I trekked with Grey Wind through the woods and followed down the river. Grey Wind cleared each step for me to be sure I wouldn't trip on any loose branches or slick leaves. The wind blew harsher and colder by the water. My cloak was a deep black that wrapped around my entire body, not allowing a single hit from the wind against my body aside from my cheeks that were red and raw from the way it whipped.
In the distance I finally saw Robb sitting there on a rock. Skipping stones and staring off at the ripples in the river. He held a net in his hand but it didn't seem as though he'd caught anything. Perhaps he thought if he just caught something he'd feel better. Or maybe he'd try to fish and let his worries escape him for only a little while. But nothing.
Grey Wind immediately ran over to Robb and began to nudge his arm for Robb to pet him. Robb ignored him. I huffed out a deep breath and coached myself with each step toward him, terrified that he'll think I truly overstepped my boundaries by following him to his sacred spot.
Once I was only a foot away from him I cleared my throat and he didn't turn his head when he spoke. Rather, he picked up another rock and threw it into the river as he spoke.
"Why are you here?" He asked softly. His voice strained and my heart shattered.
I swallowed hard. "You shouldn't be alone. I know how difficult it is to lose someone you love."
"Do you? Because you keep saying that but you've never told me who you loved so much that you lost. Me? I've lost everyone around me. Did you know your father won't even let Sansa come home? That fucker-"
"Do you truly believe I've never experience loss? Seriously? I lost my child... Our child. Before that I... Forget it. You wouldn't care. Apparently you're the only one who's allowed to grieve, Robb. My apologies, my Lord. I won't bother you anymore." I retorted as I quickly turned to walk away.
The feeling of Robb's hand on my wrist is the only thing that stopped me.
"If you're going to walk away from me... You need to know something. Something that will keep you away forever." His eyes were bloodshot but he didn't smell of booze. There was no wine or ale in sight. In fact.. He only had water with him. Although his eyes told another story. If they hadn't been red from alcohol then... He had been restless and distraught.
I shook my head. "Don't say anything just to hurt me, Robb. Not this again. I know when you say things you speak from a place of hurt and you don't mean them. Just like when Jeyne tried to destroy what we were building up."
His nostrils flared with rage. "Stop telling me how to feel. I'm tired of it."
"Robb, I'm sorry. I'm only trying to help."
"You wouldn't help me if you knew the truth." Robb's blue eyes were glassed over with tears that he quickly blinked away.
I tugged onto my cloak and when I exhaled a shaky breath I could see my breath in a puff of smoke in front of me. It was getting colder by the second. "Can we please go home and talk about this?"
"You won't want me there anymore."
"You're the Lord of Winterfell... Prince of Westeros and Warden of the North-"
"Shut up and listen to me, Alana!" Robb snapped and even his voice no longer sounded like his.
Who is this man and where is my husband... The man who showed me so much love and compassion after returning from his hunt.. The man who poured out his heart to me with passion and devotion and even in the heat of the moment wanted only me. Where is that man? Because right now... Right now I'm staring face to face with the man he was before we wed. The man he was when we found out we were being forced to get married.
"I'm a monster." He admitted to me.
I shook my head and reached for his hands and held them tightly in mine. Robb's hands were shaking and a tear slid down his face. "No, you're not a monster. I told you... I was wrong all that time when I thought that. I didn't know the real you, the you that I've come to know and love."
"That's not the real me..." He paused for a moment and looked sickened. "I... I'm truly a monster and I am so sorry for what I've done."
"What did you do..." I held my breath for a moment. "Robb... Please-"
He closed his eyes and tears slipped down at the same speed the river was flowing. I squeezed his hands tighter and he didn't move. "Alana..." He muttered. "It was a mistake."
My sympathy dropped now anger filled my veins.
"What was a mistake?" Poison in my words as my eyes glared at him. "Robb..."
His breath shuddered and I stripped my hands away from his. Taking a step backward and reaching for Grey Wind instead. Keeping him close to my side as my husband... My fucking husband looked me in the eyes and uttered words I never wanted to hear.
"She didn't mean anything and I didn't go all the way with her... It was... It was just a little fun and I regret it."
"You're lying. You wouldn't do this to me." I shook my head and continued to step away from him. "You just want me to leave you alone to grieve your father and I understand that. You don't need to say-"
"She had golden hair and silver eyes. I'm sorry- Theon and I went drinking at the tavern and you... You were in bed and not wanting to see me,"
"So you decided to be unfaithful to me? Your wife? You chose to go drinking and mess around with another woman instead of... Instead of being there for me? I needed you, Robb, even if I didn't act like it. I fucking needed you. You're... You're just like my father."
Robb's face fell completely and the tears that had only slipped down his face now were a full-on storm pouring from his eyes. He wiped his nose and choked each time he tried to speak. As he should. He should be speechless. This pain... This pain isn't something that the last few months I thought I'd have to experience. Robb was supposed to love me.. He promised me he did.
Another broken promise in my life.
-
I walked back to Winterfell on my own. The last thing I wanted was for Robb to escort me when all I wanted was to be far away from him. I couldn't look at him or even stomach the fact he... He messed around with another woman while I was suffering all on my own.
The guilt started to eat away at me and suddenly I realized maybe it's all my fault. I should have done what my mother always told me. Fix your hair, fix your makeup, cross your legs, and force a smile. Never let them see you cry.
I let all of the North see that I am nothing but a weak link and yet I am the one who is supposed to lead them? If I ever were to rebel against my father or my brother... They would never follow me for me. They'd follow Robb for his strength but then again.. They might remember how he responded to Aerion's death and now his father's. Shit... Even losing one baby he lost his damn mind.
All those nights I thought Robb and I were falling into this pattern of perfection. I was wrong. I was dead wrong. It broke me. It ruined me. Once I got back to my chambers I slammed the door shut and sat on the bed. Staring out that same damn window all over again.
Children playing outside and mothers holding their babies.
Yes, I'm aware I'm lucky to still be carrying one baby inside of me. I could have lost both. But I didn't. I placed my hand on my stomach and felt a small kick and continued to stare out the window. This poor baby has no idea the madness they are coming into. And it'll be in just a few more months.
My child deserves better than this.
I deserve better than this.
Rising from the bed I went over to the desk and started to write to my mother. We didn't part on good terms... And I don't want to put too much into a letter so... The best I can do is ask for her to come and visit me. Father will have plenty of people to care for him and his injury and if he dies, who fucking cares? I need my mother's advice.
Robb is acting like his namesake. My father.
I didn't think twice. I just wrote and wrote and begged and begged for my mother. For my brothers and my sister. Anyone who will come and comfort me. I felt alone here and I couldn't go to Lady Catelyn... She just lost her husband and the last thing she'd want to deal with is her son who doesn't know how to be a husband or a decent man.
I wrote until my wrists hurt. Until my fingers cramped and until the ink was running low. Quickly I attached it to a raven and sent it to King's Landing. To my home. My true home... I never was homesick before. But now...
I just want to go fucking home.
I feel like the biggest fool. The biggest idiot.
Robb never gave a damn about me and it shows. He only ever cared about himself and those fucking whores at the brothel. He wanted one thing from me. Correction. Two. He wanted to fuck me and he wanted an heir. Well, he's got both. I never have to speak to him again now.
The sun started to lower in the sky and Robb entered our chambers and immediately sat on the bed and stared out the window. I couldn't stomach looking at him so I stood in the corner of the room furthest away from him and looked down at the floor.
The silence was haunting.
"Alana, I'm sorry." His voice shaking. "I love you and I want to fix this."
"Go fuck yourself." I told him quicky. "Actually, why don't you go and fuck that girl. Go all the way with her. You're just as bad as Jon!"
"Don't you dare-"
"No. Don't you dare!" I started toward him and pointed my finger in his face. "Don't you make me out to be the bad guy here! It's you! It's always been you! I did nothing! From the moment I arrived here in Winterfell you hated me because you thought I hated you so you forced me to hate you. You treated me like garbage instead of taking the time to get to know me. You didn't defend me on our wedding night like you promised me you would and you... You abandoned me." Bile started to burn the back of my throat and my stomach cramped and hardened. "I-" I tried to speak but when I opened my mouth... I ran to the window and started throwing up.
Pain engulfed my entire body as I vomited. My head felt like it was going to explode and my eyes strained as tears poured from them. Soon my legs became wobbly and my arms felt numb. I fumbled backward slightly and grabbed the wall and slowly slid down it until I was sitting on the floor with my head between my knees.
"Alana!" Robb shouted as he came to my side but I pushed him away. "Alana please... I'll call the Maester just... Just please forgive me."
Everything went dark after hearing those words.