"Who else knows?"
"Me, Ronnie's mum, the Barca medical staff, the Matilda's medical staff and now you two"
"How-how long?" J asked, it sounded more like a whimper than anything.
"If you want answers Jenni, you need to be more specific." I didn't mean to snap at her. The lack of sleep was starting to catch up on me.
"How long has she had it?"
"Probably her whole life. Her dad had it. He killed himself after going off his meds. She was 6 then. She got diagnosed when she was 13."
"Is it usually like this?"
"No. She is usually good about taking her meds. She's only stopped once and that was in 2016, right after the Olympics but I noticed right away and was able to get her back on them before anything happened."
"What happens now?"
"She will stay at the mental health facility for a few weeks. They will put her back on the meds and increase it until she is better."
"She is violent, yes?" The question I had been dreading. They heard the conversation, saw some of the bruising, they sure as shit saw the holes in the walls and the broken glasses.
"You need to understand, when she isn't on her meds, she isn't the Ronnie you know and love. She is depressed or manic or sometimes violent. But it's not Ronnie. It's not who she really is. She is the most caring, loving and respectful human who wouldn't hurt a fly. We all know that. Sometimes she just forgets it."
Silence encapsulated the table again. I let Lex and J sit in silence so they could comprehend everything they had seen and that I said.
"Listen J, if this is too much for you I get it. It can be a lot but this really doesn't change who Ronnie is. She loves you and would never hurt you. I'm not going to sit here and say it'll be easy forever and this will never happen again, because it probably will, I can't promise you that. But if you think you need space or need to end it, do it now. Do it now and not when she's on the road to recover. I also need you both to understand that this wasn't my secret to tell you. You cannot be mad at me for keeping this from you. I made a promise and I had full intentions of keep in that promise until the day either of us died."
"I'm not mad at you. I'm sad for Ronnie. I'm sad for you. I'm a little pissed off that you had to carry this burden by yourself and that for the past week you've been working so hard to keep her safe, that you haven't looked after yourself. And I'm pissed off that you were physically hurt." I could hear the anger in Alexia's words. She was right.
"It's not her fault Alexia. None of this is her fault. You can't blame her. I'm sorry you got hurt Ana but it's not Ronnie's fault. She's sick! It's not her fault." With the last sentence Jenni broke. Tears falling rapidly from her eyes. I couldn't comfort her. Not in that moment. I just watched as she cried and alexia held her.
"You guys should leave." I didn't mean for the words to come out so harshly, or for my movements to come across as rude but they did. I was tired and overwhelmed. Too much had happened in the last week. From the proposal/break up confusion with Lex to the lack of sleep and downfall of Ronnie's mental health. It was all too much.
I didn't want for them to leave. Closing my bedroom door and climbing into bed. Sleep wouldn't come though. Not until Lex got back from dropping J home. Quietly she made her way in, stripping off and climbing into the bed. WE both stayed silent for a while.
"Mi amor?"
"Hm"
"Come here?" She opened her arms and I made my way into her safety. The warmth of her body, the smell of her body wash and the tightness in which she held me, broke me. All the emotions poured out of me. Lex held me tight, rubbing her hands on my back, whispering how much she loved me and how proud she was of me. After a while, sleep came.
It was the next morning when I woke up. I could hear Lex talking to someone in the kitchen but I had no energy to get up. Reaching over to my phone I saw Dr Wan had rang, ringing him back he explained the situation with Ronnie and how they would approach it. Finishing off with telling me he'd email a document to give to the Barca staff in the meeting I had scheduled for tomorrow.
After hearing the voices disappear out the front door, I decided now was the best time to get up. Brushing my teeth and scrubbing my face, trying to get rid of the tired, tear stained cheeks. It didn't work though. The voices of Jenni and Alexia invade the silence that once fell. To be alone, with my own thoughts was probably a dangerous thing right now.
"Bon dia" I spoke quietly as I saw the two sitting around the table. Much like the night before.
"I bought you coffee and a danish." J slid them over.
"I organised a repairman. They have fixed the walls and done the first coat of paint. They'll have to come back tomorrow or the next day and do the next coat. I'm sorry I didn't ask, I wanted to take some stress away from you." Lex knew how to make things better. Either simply by being there or by taking things into her own hands. Not being able to trust my voice, I simply nodded.
Silence engulfed us yet again. No one daring to make a sound or move. It was uncomfortable. This whole situation was uncomfortable. The raw emotions that not only Alexia saw, but Jenni too. It was too much for me.
"I'm going for a run." I declared. Shooting up and getting myself changed. I couldn't control much anymore, but I couldn't control how fast I ran, how far I pushed myself, and that had to be enough. Sometimes when I go for a run, my brain shuts down and my feet just take me. It happens in Australia, more specifically in Melbourne.
My legs took me until they couldn't anymore. Not realising where I had ended up until I noticed the familiar front door. Our house. Well now it's just Dom's house considering I don't live here and haven't for a while. I made my way up the stairs, knocking on the door before I could even register.
"Anastasia? What are you doing here?" He looks different. A good different, healthier and stronger. His eyes are no longer red or glassy. He is clean shaven, with his hair neatly combed. He never replied to my message reaching out to him. I thought he was still using but by the look of him he isn't. That hurt.
"I went for a run and ended up here. I'm sorry, I'll go."
"No wait. Please, let's sit and talk? It's been a while?"
The silence was uncomfortable and awkward. Not like the silence that Lex and I sit in. There's a kids bike on the lawn, I didn't notice it beforehand. Some trucks on the porch. Surely he didn't have a kid and not tell me? What's its name? Who is the mother? Hopefully not Chelsea.
"I've been watching your games. The Olympics and Liga F. You're doing so incredibly well. The Ballon d'Or too! I'm so proud. Mum and dad would be too."
"Yeah thanks."
"How's Ronnie? I saw on instagram that you're friends again. I always knew you two would find the back to each other. And Alexia and you? Still together?"
"Lex and I are still together yeah. I was going to propose and so was she but then some stuff happened with Ronnie."
"She went off her meds? I heard some of the boys talking about her and how they saw her with Chelsea. They wouldn't let her buy anything though."
"Right yeah. She's back in the hospital. She's dating Jenni Hermonso."
"Back to the proposal, or lack there of?"
"I planned this perfect thing and then life happened and insecurities. We haven't had a chance to talk about it yet."
"You two are destined to be together. No matter what happens, you're both better people, better footballers because you're together."
I think about it for a bit. The silence is less uncomfortable than before.
"Tia, I need to apologise. You needed me and I left you. I did awful things to you. I was hurting too, it's not an excuse but an explanation."
"You don't need to explain Dom. I knew. I always knew. I hid it from everyone because I knew. I'm sorry -"
"Papa! Papa! Look what I have"
The boy looks no older than 3. Definitely doesn't look like Dom. The lady behind gives a bright smile at us both. It's not Chelsea so that's a positive.
"Hola. I am Andre and I am this many old." He holds up 3 fingers. I was right.
"Hi Andre, I'm Anastasia."
"I know who you are silly. We watch you on tv all the time and papa has photos of you in the house!"
I hadn't checked my phone in a while. Realising Alexia was ringing me yet again. "I better go. Alexia is calling me. IT was nice to meet you Andre and, I'm sorry I didn't get your name."
"Isabella"
"Tia, let me take you back?"
"No it's fine. Thanks." With that I turn and run. As my feet hit the pavement, my tears cascade down my cheeks. I soon arrive at the beach. Kicking off my shoes and dropping my phone in them. I don't care about the weird looks since I'm going in fully clothed. It'll ground me. As I came out I saw Lex, sitting with my shoes, with a towel under her and a dry one waiting for me.
Lex has a way of making everything better with minimal words. "I love you and I will be here with you forever."
Ronnie doesn't see me for a while. Everyday I go for the visiting hours, everyday I bring a different book and I sit there and read it. Every hour they came out and tell me she doesn't want to see me. When she does get out, I moved out. Her and J had the house to themselves and I stayed at the apartment. Things were tense. J and Alexia still hung out but it was never the four of us after that. I understood.