“Xavier?” I yell, waiting for a few seconds and then slamming my fist against the door. “X? Dude! Answer me!”
“What's going on?” Juliana asked, as I turn my head and see her standing a few feet behind me.
“Oh, it's Xavier,” I let out. “He's not answering me.”
“Are you sure he's in there?” she asks, crossing her arms across her chest in confusion.
I drop down onto the floor and look underneath the crack, seeing a shadow of his shoes. “Yeah, he is. He's just being a dick.”
“Does he usually do this?” she says, as I shake my head in aggravation and snap.
“No. He only did this when he was--” I stopped, feeling a lump in the back of my throat. Now I began pounding on the door as hard as loud as I could, but there was still no answer. “OPEN THE DOOR!”
“Blaze,” Juliana says, taking my arm before I shake her away.
“Something's wrong with him,” I stated, stepping back and then darting forward and slamming my shoulder against it. “Damnit.” That didn't work. So then I kick it, and it finally opens.
Then I spot Xavier sitting on the floor, with his back against the wall and his head leaning to the side. I run in as fast as I can and kneel next to him, grabbing his shoulder and firmly shaking him. His eyes are closed and his face is pale, but I can see him breathing because of how hardly his heart was beating through his chest. I don't know what happened until I glanced up at the counter, where a small vile was, and then I spotted the syringe on the floor. Puke was in the toilet and his eyes still remained tightly closed.
“Shit,” I snapped, shaking him again as I feel Juliana's arm on my shoulder. “Xavier, what's going on?”
Finally he began to open his eyes, as I stared at his horrified face. “Sorry, dude,” he quietly mumbled, his voice barely having any sound to it.
“No way,” I said, picking up his arm and turning it over, seeing another spot that looked like it had just been punctured. “Did you shoot up?”
He nodded, before closing his eyes again.
“Where the hell did you get smack? I don't get it,” I rushed out, turning my neck and looking over at Julie's worried face.
“Should I leave?” she asked me, as Xavier leaned to the side and began puking again, but nothing was coming up.
“Yeah,” I immediately answered, scooting back so I wouldn't get any of his vomit on me if it was to come up. “I don't want you to see this.”
“Okay,” she whispered, quickly nodding and starting to walk out the doorway.
“Just keep Mickey talking. I know she wants to sleep but I need to talk to her as soon as possible,” I told her, grinning so she wouldn't look so scared anymore.
Her eyes drifted to Xavier who was still gagging, and then she sucked in a breath. “Alright,” she let out, practically rushing out of the bathroom.
“Dude, what the hell. Why?” I asked, him leaning the back of his head against the wall, closing his eyes and shaking his head.
“Sorry,” was all he kept saying.
“Enough with the apologies X,” I barked, standing up and wetting a facecloth in cold water.
“Okay,” he mumbled, looking like he stopped breathing for a moment.
“Yo,” I shouted, him flinching and finally looking up at me. I bent down and put the facecloth against his forehead, drying away the sweat he had dripping down his face. “What the hell, man.”
“I had to,” he carefully stated, still having eye contact with me.
“I thought you were going to OD,” I told him, as he slightly shook his head and said nothing. “How long are you going to feel high from this now?”
He shrugged. “Who cares?” he let out, as I wet the facecloth again and tossed it to him.
“I care, now wipe your face and get your ass upstairs,” I ordered, him looking shocked. “I'm mad heated at you right now.”
Then he deeply exhaled, as I bent down and grabbed his arm, yanking him up and pushing his lower back against the sink. “I'm sorry,” he mumbled. “I had to...”
“Julie,” I shout, her running into the room and staring at Xavier's overwhelmed looking face. “Can you help me get him up to his room?”
“Of course,” she says, as we both picked up his arms and put them around our shoulders.
“Come on bro,” I urged, us all trying to walk out of the doorway, stumbling as we entered the hall.
“He's really heavy,” Juliana stated, as I looked over at her.
“Is it too much for you?” I ask, her shaking her head as we slowly moved forward.
“Nope,” she said.
Right when we're walking past the living room is when he finally begins to walk on his own, probably drifting back into the real world for a little bit. “What's going on?” I heard him ask, as we reached the bottom of the stairs.
“You're an idiot. That's what's up,” I nearly yell, sick of his crap. I don't care if it's an addiction. He is a big boy and he needs to learn to handle himself without me having to come to the rescue.
“Shh,” Julie whispers, and it takes us about maybe twenty seconds just to go up the staircase. “God, you're so skinny but so heavy...”
“Yeah he is,” I mumbled, pushing his bedroom door open with my back, us both plopping him down on the couch because it's closer than the bed.
“Damn,” he says, turning on his side and groaning under his breath. “Fk my life.”
“Yeah, fk your life alright.”
“Blaze,” Julie whispers, taking my hand as it kind of brings me back to reality. “It's okay. He's okay now. He's alright.”
I look back down at him and it's not hard to tell that he's high out of his brains. “Ok,” I finally say, following her out of his room and walking into the dark hall, stopping.
She turns around and stares at me, as I lean my back against the wall and close my eyes. I really can't take this shit anymore. This is crazy. We have a talk in the kitchen about him trying to stay clean of smack, and then I walk into the bathroom and find him lying on the floor. That's screwed up.
“Blaze,” I hear Juliana say to me, but I don't say anything in return. I can't. “Are you okay?”
I nod, and swallow hard. “Sure,” I eventually let out, as she presses her body up against mine and wraps her arms around my waist.
“Are you positive?” she asks, now kissing my neck, as I open my eyes and look down at her when she pulls away.
“Yeah,” I answer, not completely honest though. Because in all honesty. . . I've never been so pissed off in my life. Atleast not for a while. And knowing my best friend was doing great staying away from his addiction, he just locked himself in the bathroom and shot up. I can't take this pressure anymore.
"You shouldn't lie to me," she suddenly whispers out of nowhere, as I stare down into her beautiful eyes and say nothing. I shake my head. "You aren't okay, Blaze. I get it. You're upset! And you have every right to be."
"I can't take this anymore," I softly let out, her putting her hand on my face. "I can't take knowing my best friend is a heroin addict. Julie it eats at me. Every time I see him high."
"I understand," she whispers, and I actually believe her. I believe a girl, for once in my life.
"You do?" I let out, but barely.
She nods slowly before tracing the skin under my black eye with her thumb. "Yes, I do."
I try to even out my breathing butfor some reason, she just tends to have this affect on me, and no other girl has before. "But... why?"
"Because," she whispers. "I like you so much."
"You don't know me," I tell her, but it's just a lie. No other girl has ever known this much about me before.
She bites her bottom lip before softly saying, "I knew you enough to give you my virginity."
But then I'm done with talking and I lean forward, pressing my lips hardly against hers. I don't want to think about anything and I don't want to speak at all. All I want to do is get my mind off of all of this crazy ass shit that happened tonight. I take her face in my hands and push my tongue inside her mouth, hers coming into mine as I turned around and had her back pressed against the wall. As soon as her hands went under my shirt and touched my warm skin, I pressed my body against hers harder before she pulls my shirt over my head.
I slide my lips down her chin, jaw, then sucking her neck, as she pulls down her dress when I least expect it. Then she throws her arms around my neck as I move my hands to her back, unhooking her bra, dropping it to the floor as I squeeze her breasts. Then I feel her fingers down at my jeans, unzipping it and pulling them down. I can't believe this is the third time I'm going to be screwing her in just one night. God, I have to make her mine.
I begin kissing her again as she slides her hands inside my boxers, yanking them down and pulling away from my lips. “I want you,” she races out. “I want you in me, now.”
With that being said I push her up against the wall again and kiss her cheek. “You sure, Julie?” I ask, her licking my mouth with her tongue and then biting my bottom lip, as my d*k gets hard.
“Yes I'm sure Blaze,” she answers me.
I'm kissing her cheek, soft lips, neck, and then I go down to her chest and then back up her neck. “Shit, Julie,” I breathe out, as soon as our mouths part.
“What?” she gasps, digging her nails into my neck.
“You're killing me,” I groan, shaking my head before leaning down to kiss her. “Killing me. For real.”
“Why am I killing you?” she asks, trying to catch her breath just from making out.
“Because you put a damn spell on me!” I tell her, wanting to hit something but kiss her at the same time. “I want you so bad. You have no idea.”
“I want you too Blaze,” she whispers into my ear, as I pick her up as she straddled my waist with her legs, I open the door and then all of a sudden I'm on the floor, and she's pulling me on top of her sexy body.
“Why do you have to be so sexy,” I quickly rush out under my breath, as it comes out in a mumble, and I'm finally in of her. Even though I'm sober, we both are, she still feels so good it's unbelievable. “Ugh,” I let out, beginning to thrust in as she tightly grabs my arms and sucks in a small breath.
“This feels so good,” she whispers, but I don't want to talk, because all I want to do is have sex with her. I need her, and I also need to get all of this shit off my mind.
“You like it, baby?” I ask with a smile, her laughing and nodding before I press my lips against hers.
*
“That was amazing,” Julie pants, her face probably as pink and sweaty as mine. “You're amazing.”
“I hear that a lot,” I mumbled, her dropping her mouth open in shock. “I'm just kidding, I swear.”
“You better be,” she says, as I get off of her and fall onto my back, mad beat. She made me do all the damn work. “Am I your first anything? Will I ever be your first anything?”
I turn my head and stare at her, even though we're in darkness besides the light from the moon shining through the window. “No,” I answered her honestly. “But you can be my best. And you are.”
She widely smiles and presses her body against mine, kissing my cheek and tightly holding onto me.
After we get back into our clothes, I take her hand in mine and we walk downstairs to see how Mickey is. We walk into the living room and as soon as we both spot the couch, it's empty and she's not there anymore. What the hell's going on? Then we walk into the kitchen and she's sitting at the table, with a glass of water out in front of her.
“Mickey,” I finally say out loud, as she lifts her head from the table and looks over at me.
“Sex addict,” she muttered, resting her forehead down on her arms.
“Um, okay,” I question, sitting down next to her as Juliana stays in the doorway.
“You can go back upstairs again if you want,” Mickey hissed, still not looking me in the eyes. “I know that's where you'd rather be, instead of making sure I don't throw up and choke on my own puke.”
“That's not fair,” I tell her, as she glares at me through bloodshot eyes.
“Screw you it's not fair,” she lets out, taking the glass and taking a long chug before slamming it down.
“What the hell is your problem?” I ask, her shooting me an angry stare.
“Want me to repeat it for you?” she laughs. “You'd rather be up in the bathroom screwing my friend than sitting down here making sure I'm not dead from that damn smack running through my veins.”
“He wasn't screwing me,” Juliana quickly lies, walking to my side and crossing her arms.
"Oh really?" she asks, rolling her eyes and looking her up and down. "Your hair's all over the place. You're sweating. Blaze over here is still out of breath. Like seriously?"
"Can we not turn this into some kind of fight?" I ask, getting really fed up. "It will ruin my night and I don't want that to happen, because it will bring me back down."
"We really didn't have sex," Juliana rushes out, fixing her hair and tucking it behind her ears.
“Lying little bitch,” Mickey snorted, Julie's eyes widening and so did mine.
“Don't talk to her like that,” I snapped, her chugging the water again, until I realize it's not water. It's vodka. I'm guessing.
“Or what?” she growls, staring up at Juliana and slowly shaking her head. “You're my best friend? You lied straight to my face. I walked upstairs and saw all your clothes lying on the ground, and I heard you two getting it on.”
“Why does it matter, Mickey?” she demands, as I sharply exhale and hope this doesn't turn into a huge arguement.
“Because you lied!” she shouts, standing up and lightly pushing her.
“Don't touch me,” Juliana says, looking like she's going to cry. “I didn't do anything to you...”
“You're screwing my best friend. LITERALLY.”
“I'm your friend! Only your friend,” I quickly state, as they both look down at me. “So why does it matter who I'm having sex with?”
Mickey's face drops. “Because I would at least think you'd be smart enough to stay away from this girl who I call my best friend. But I guess you're just a man whore.”
“Kick rocks then,” I growl, standing up as Juliana begins to walk toward the doorway.
“Wait,” Mickey suddenly said, grabbing my wrist as I turn to stare at her. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm just really messed up right now, Blaze. I'm sick to my stomach.”
“Are you? You don't look it,” I tell her, as she sits back down and starts crying. Full out crying. I can hear her sobbing. “Um...”
“Just go away,” she cries, as I look over at Juliana's sad expression on her face.
“Can you wait for a few minutes?” I quietly ask her. “I need to find some things out. Go upstairs and I'll be up there soon, I promise.”
“Okay,” Julie says.
“Want anything to drink?” I ask, but she just shakes her head and leaves the room.
“Follow her, Blaze. She's your girl now. I bet you did her over and over again by now,” she weeps.
“Give me a break,” I said, sitting next to her and waiting for her hands to uncover her face. “Can we talk? Can you tell me what the hell happened tonight?”
About a minute later she drops her shaking hands and looks into my eyes. “I don't want you to say anything,” she immediately tells me. “To anyone, or I'll snap your man toy in half. Got it?”
I had to smile at that one. “Yup, got it.”
She lets out a deep breath and stares down at the table as she speaks. “After you ran off at the party, after you kissed me--”
“I did not kiss you. You kissed me, Mickey.”
“Fine. After I kissed you and you threw me across the room--”
“No I didn't,” I argue, her taking my hand when I least expect it. I don't pull away.
“Please just let me finish. I told Tessa that you and me kissed, and she got mad and said something about you liking Julie and me liking you, which I don't. Not at all. You're like my brother, that's gross.”
Silence. “Okay, keep going,” I urged.
“Tess flips on me and then I told Spencer how many times she cheated on him,” she lets out, as I shake my head and have nothing to say. “Tessa runs off into the crowd and I followed Spence to the hallway and I helped cheer him up. He was really down, and I was there for him. Like a good friend should be.” She waits, letting go of my hand now. “We had sex. I forced myself onto him and we did it on the bathroom sink, bathtub, floor--”
“I get it,” I rush out, thinking in my head, 'Wait, Spencer?'
“Well we had sex a few times and then she happens to walk in the room while we're going at it. He ran off after her and then that's when I went back to the party. I wanted to just dance with some people or find someone to chill with, but I was just pretty gone from the weed and E so I didn't know what I was doing. Some kids asked if I needed drugs and I told them yeah, so I walked to their van and hopped in.”
“You're mad dumb, Mickey. I'm pissed at you,” I said, her leaning back a little bit. “You could have gotten raped, or even killed.”
“At first I was kind of freaked out because I jumped in the front seat and then once the door shut they made me jump into the back, where no windows are, and there were four kids back there,” she was saying, before I cut her off.
“Four guys waiting in the back, where they made you go?” I demanded, her nodding.
“Yup. Big deal. Nervous at first, but I had to get sexual if I wanted some shrooms or acid,” she hesitated. “I was getting it for us though. All of us. But it didn't work out that way. I won't tell you the sexual part because you'll be even more mad at me, so don't even ask for details. After I'm done and I tell them I need the drugs in return, they laughed and um...” she stopped, staring down at her lap.
“And what, Mickey?” I quickly asked her.
“Things happened and before I knew it, two of them were holding me still and they were tying something around my arm,” she answered, sounding like she was going to start crying again. “When I saw that needle coming at me, Blaze, I almost died. But I didn't want them to kill me, so I just begged them to let me go. I even told them I wasn't going to ask them for any drugs--”
“Who are they?” I sternly ask, standing up so fast the chair almost flew back. “Tell me their fking names before I break something.”
“Stop,” she pleaded, taking my arm and making me sit back down. “They didn't listen. I was their private show. They shot me up, and for like ten minutes I couldn't do anything. I have to admit the feeling felt pretty good, but I didn't want to do it. I didn't even really understand what it was either at first, because I didn't want to find out that it was heroin. Dude, they freaking drugged me.”
“I know they did, now give me their names, Mickey,” I ordered, her just frowning and starting to cry again. This time she really starts crying, I mean tears streaming down her face, and I can't take it anymore.
I pulled her onto my lap and wrap my arms gently around her as she leaned her face against my chest. “I'm kind of freaked out, Blaze. Maybe twenty minutes later I thought they were done with me, but then another kid came at me with another needle! After that time I got really scared...” And then she looked at me, only inches away from my face. “Is there a chance I'll be addicted to it now?”
I didn't know how to answer her. “It depends on your body. For Xavier, yeah. All it really took was two times. But you'll get through this, even if you do start to crave it. Tell us though, so we can help you out. Okay?” I asked her, as she carefully nodded and wrapped her arms around my neck.
“Okay,” she softly whispered. “I'm really sorry.”
“What for?” I ask.
“For kissing you even though you like Juliana.”
I swallow hard, not having any idea on what to say. “It's fine. I don't know what to tell you,” I let out, her standing up and sitting back down on her chair.
“I feel so messed up. I'm going to become a junkie and shoot up with Xavier now,” she mumbled, taking a few sips of her drink before I said anything.
“Don't joke around like that.” And she started laughing. “It's not funny.”
“Okay,” she whispers. “Thanks for listening. Thanks for being the only one who cares about me.”
“A lot of us do, Mickey. Don't be stupid. Xavier was the one who called me up and told me you jumped in a car. He followed you and we found where you were because of him,” I honestly told her, as she looked at me with fear.
“Xavier did?” she asked, almost like she couldn't remember anything that happened.
“He carried you the whole way home. Through all the side roads, even the train tracks in the dark.”
“Alright,” she sighed. “Maybe two of you care.”
“Juliana does too,” I quickly say to her. “You know that. I can't help this feeling, and I know you don't want me to like your friend but I can't help it. It's hard.”
“She's probably a slut, get tested,” she whispered, as I frowned and shook my head.
“Nah, she's not. Don't call her that.”
“But she is. It's the first night you guys kiss cause I know you both probably did, and now she's screwing you?” she asked, suddenly stopping to laugh. I wanted to slam my first against the wall but I didn't. I controlled myself.
“She was a virgin before tonight, Mickey. So don't go there. Don't go there. Please,” I said, her eyes narrowing.
“You took her virginity?” she gasped, as I realized what I just had told her. DAMNIT!
“Um, nah. I'm kidding.”
“Wow, you're smart. Good job, Blaze. If she already fucked you already you two are bound to hate each other at some point,” she told me, standing up and chugging down the rest of the glass of vodka. “That makes me feel better. Maybe I can forgive,” she smiled. “But never forget.”
And then I glanced down at her arm and spotted two small red dots, that I hoped wouldn't cause her to turn into a heroin addict with track marks. I couldn't stop thinking about all the crazy stuff that happened tonight, as she put her arms across her chest and stared at me. “I'm sorry I like her,” I cautiously told her. “I finally got feelings for someone, and I don't know what to do about them. I'm screwed up, alright? I don't know what the hell to do. I don't like girls, I just have sex with them and use them. What else do you want me to say? I'm a jerk, Mickey.”
“I know you are, Blaze. Just when it comes to hooking up with girls,” she agreed with my sarcasm.
“Whatever,” I mumbled, standing up and still staring at her.
“But this one time in your life, you actually like one of them. You want her again, and again. I can tell. You don't want to ditch her ass on the sidewalk. You want to be with her, so admit it,” Mickey said to me.
“I'm done talking about this,” I stated, about to walk away until she stepped in front of me.
“Well I'm not. You're scared. You're scared of feeling this way and you're probably going to fall in love soon because your life blows and your vulnerable. I am too, but there's a difference between us.”
“And what's the damn difference, Mickey?” I ask in aggravation. “What is it, huh?”
“I don't let myself get feelings for anyone,” she softly says, sliding her finger down my t-shirt. “I don't let my heart control me. I do what I want and I get what I want, and feelings? I hide them and block them. It's easy. It's better then hating life and being unhappy. I'm happy, Blaze. Are you?”
I stare into her eyes again and shake my head. “No, but I want to be.”
“You want to be,” she repeated my words. “We all do. This whole world does. Just do drugs, get as high as you can, and party. That's what we do. That's what keeps us happy.”
“I know, Mickey,” I tell her, as she moves closer. “I knifed my dad earlier tonight after the party, just so you know.”
Her jaw tightened and she froze. “What?” she asked, her voice changing to something completely different than what it just was. “Are you serious?”
“Yup. He hit me,” I grinned, pointing to my lip as she looked down at it.
“I figured that was just from that fight with them kids big G sent to the park.”
“Nah. I stabbed him, just like I told him I would, and he might be dead. I don't know, and I don't care. I don't want to care anymore about my mom or anything. I don't want to feel anything. I want to--” I stopped, not able to finish.
“He might be dead? So, you on the run for real this time?” she quietly asked me.
I nodded. “I guess so. Until I figure out if they're looking for me, and shit. My mom might have covered for me but I have no damn idea.”
“Crap,” she frowned, looking really upset.
“What would you say if I told you I lied about not having drugs, and that I really have some blow?” I asked, reaching in my pocket and pulling out a small baggy of coke.
Her eyes lit up and she smiled. “I'd say, you're a jerk. Now give me a straw and let's do this.”
“Juliana might wan--”
“If you really like her, do you honestly want to turn her into one of us?” Mickey asked, as I stared down at the bag in my hands and got confused.
“It's not my choice to make. It's hers,” I answered.
“Then go get her I guess.”
“Screw it, you're right.” Then I go to the table and pour out the whole thing. “My pocketknife's covered in my dad's blood somewhere back in my room, so get me a knife, will you?”
She rolled her eyes, opened the silverware drawer, and then put it on the table. “Here,” she said, as I walked to the cabinet where all of the cups they didn't use were. That's where Xavier keeps all of his straws.
“This world sucks,” I mumbled, walking back over to the table and noticing how she already was making the lines for us with the knife. “Good looks.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she said, as I put the straw to my right nostril.
Snort. Snort. I put the straw at the third line. Snort.
“Blaze,” Mickey said, as I threw my head back and clogged my nose with my fingers, sniffing as hard as I could.
"What?" I eventually ask her. Then I bend down again, ready for more. Snort.
“What the fuck, dude. Leave me some...”
Should I do another? Hell yeah. SNORT.
"Blaze," she gasps, probably not used to me being this grimey. Who cares? I bought it.
Then I do one more, and am high out of my brain. I can barely even think straight. Finally for once this night, I'm high and can no longer feel any emotions that I don't want to feel. Finally.
“Sorry. I needed them,” I carefully told her, watching her sniff the last three in maybe five seconds flat.
"You're such an ass." She rubbed the rest of the coke that was on the tip of her nose onto her gums, then she snorted up the rest of whatever was still on the table. She tossed the straw in the trash and then grinned at me. “But It's okay. You need the high way more than I do,” Mickey stated, walking in front of me, leaving the room.
Then I stopped and stood where I was, confused at what she said. What the hell did she mean? My life's not that bad, is it? Who even gives a damn? Whatever. I don't. So without caring, high and relaxed, I leave the kitchen and walk back up the stairs, ready to see Juliana again.
Maybe I didn't do enough to tune all of my emotions out, considering the first thing that pops into my head is her. Her eyes, that draw me in. Her lips, addicting and inviting. Her body, god damn, her body. Her.
Juliana. The only girl that I've ever actually wanted, and she's taking my heart. But will I let that happen? Nah. Can't do that. I'm Blaze Zola, the kid who doesn't give a crap about anyone but my friends. The kid everyone knows, and wants to be like. That's me, and that's what I'm always going to stay like. No more letting her in. Not emotionally, because I'm afraid if I do let her in, that she'll crush me, just like everyone else in my life does.
I walk to the bathroom coked out, flush the toilet Xavier barfed in and twisted the lid back onto the vile, then I shove it in my pocket. Never know when this will come in handy, for a trade off. Then I pick up the syringe and realize if Xavier's parents find this thing, his whole life will be ruined. So I lift up the window that doesn't have a screen, and I throw it out somewhere onto the grass.
Then I put my hands on the sink, and I stare at my reflection in the mirror. Glazed red eyes. Cut on my lower lip, on the opposite side of my lipring. I push away the hair from my eyes and make sure my eyebrow ring hasn't somehow gotten ripped out yet. I notice how tired, and fed up I look. But there's something else.
My mom. Damn, my mom. What could have happened? Did she end up trying to do anything about it? Did she call the pigs? Did he die, or is he still living? Where did I stab him, anywhere serious? Is he in the hospital? All of this is racing through my mind and I can't take it anymore. I'm so done with caring.
"What's up?" I hear, everything from my thoughts coming to an end.
I turn my head and see Juliana standing in the doorway. She's wearing a pair of Xavier's Yankee pj pants, and a pink tank top showing some of her lower stomach, which had to have been Mickey's.
"Chilling," I tell her, turning on the sink and splashing cold water against my face until it feels numb.
"You alright?" she asked me, as I turned it off and nodded, widely smiling at her.
She began laughing and looked kind of freaked out, as I went back to being serious. "Yup. I'm perfect."
"You look upset," she guessed, as I stepped forward and wrapped my arms under her arms, lifting her off the floor. "Woah!"
"I'm not upset," I said, putting my arm under her legs and holding her like a baby. "I'm just mad high, that's all."
Her hands were around my neck and I walked with her toward the stairs. "High? From what?" she asked, as I turned my head and kissed her. "From what?" she repeats.
"You," I answer, putting her down at the bottom of the staircase, flipping off the light switch.
"That's cute. I'm your drug," Juliana laughed, that amazing laugh.
"Yeah and I need my fix right about now," I tell her, picking her up and leaning her back against the wall.
She's holding onto me and I'm holding onto her too, and we start to makeout. There's just something about her that makes me heated. It's like kissing her, just kissing her, I'm fine with it.
At this point she pulls away from my lips. "You're not talking about sex, are you?" she asked, as I began kissing her again, as she gently holds my face in her hands.
Then I pulled away. "No," I answered. "Not at all. I'm happy with just kissing you."
"Are you being sarcastic?" she asked, sliding her hands to my neck.
"No."
"Do you think I'm easy?" is the question that made me space out. "Since I had sex with you three times in one day, after I just lost my virginity?"
"You aren't easy if I'm the only guy you've had sex with Julie."
"But I didn't even make you wait or anything..."
"Oh trust me, yes you did. I waited for a while," accidentally slipped out of my mouth.
"So, you don't think I'm slutty?" she quietly asks me.
"Hell no. Do you even know what a slut is? Someone who goes around and screws tons of dudes without even being attracted to them or whatever. But we like each other. You like me, right?"
And she quickly kisses me. "Yes," she whispers.
"And I like you too. So what's the matter?" I ask.
She swallows and stares into my eyes even though it was so dark I could barely see her. I wish I could see her more though. "Mickey makes it sound like you're, well, a player," she softly let out, and I don't know what to say.
"Do you want me to lie?"
"Obviously I don't want you to lie to me," she quietly said.
"You sure?"
"Stop messing around Blaze," she sharply said, making my head spin. "I'm trying to be serious here. And you're making this seem like a joke."
"What do you mean?" I ask, still gently holding onto her.
"You took my virginity tonight," she stated.
"Um, yeah I'm completely aware of that..."
"Do you even really like me?" she suddenly asks, which makes me lose my breath.
"Of course I do Julie," I cautiously state. "That's what's scaring me."
"Scaring you?" she whispers.
"Yeah. I never liked anyone before," I rushed out. "That's the thing. I don't ever get feelings for anyone. I just hook up and ditch them but--"
"So basically Mickey was right and you are a manwhore," she began to say.
"No that's not true Juliana. I like you," I carefully tell her. "A lot. And I don't want to like you. I don't want to ever like anyone."
"Why not?"
"Because that would mean I'd care about the person, and I don't want to care about anyone but my friends and myself. I know that might seem weird, but I can't worry about someone else because my life is already so damn hard and confusing," I explained, her staying perfectly silent. "I just don't want to have feelings for someone. I'm not a good person, especially for you, but I can't help how I feel about you."
"I won't ever hurt you Blaze," she finally told me. "I'm the opposite way. I want to care about someone. I want a boy to make me his world, and hold me in his arms and tell me I'm beautiful and--"
"You're beautiful," I blurt out.
"I wish I thought the same way, but I don't."
"You're a fool then. You're the most amazing girl I ever met, for real. No lie. I hate how much I care about you."
"So you really do care about me?"
"I'm afraid that I'll start to care about you too much," I honestly tell her.
"Me too," she softly agrees.
"Okay. Can I kiss you now?"
And then she leans forward without saying a word, and presses her lips lightly against mine, kissing me really differently this time. It's not like we're having a good time and just messing around with each other. I'm kissing her gently, emotionally, not meaning to put my wall down but I do. Right now, this one time in my life, I have this mad annoying feeling in my stomach. It's making me neuseas and I'm starting to realize how much I really do like her. I care about someone now, and I can't turn back and make it so I never met her. I'm happy I got to meet her. She's perfect for me. But I don't think I'm perfect for her...
"I think I might be falling in love with you," she suddenly whispers, and before I can say anything back to her, she presses her mouth against mine again.
"You know what, let's just go up and see how Xavier is," I tell her, not telling her I love her back. Because I don't.
"Okay. It's alright. You don't have to say it back," she whispered under her breath. "I know that must be hard for you so I understand."
I nod, not having any idea on how to answer.
I care about Juliana, I really do. But I can't let my guard down. I can't let myself fall in love with her, ever. Not yet. So I put her down and then she unexpectedly jumps on my back, wrapping her arms around my neck.
"Piggyback ride, yay," she laughs, as I take her up the stairs, forgetting about all of the wrong and horrible shit in my life. That's all I can do. She takes me away...