[2021]
Thorns. Mud. Blood.
The split ends of the broken twigs pierced through her bare feet, dirty with soil from running-for she didn't know how long it had been-and covered with blood coming from the small cuts all over their skin. Her once beautiful white floral dress was completely worn out, with multiple holes on the frayed sides of each of the sleeves that are currently caked in blood, sweat, and even tears.
She runs. She ran as fast as she could. One of them had found her. And if she wasn't quick enough to escape, she would die.
Everything that she had done before is now haunting her. From when she was still a kid, all the sinful thoughts she had, down to what they did to survive the winter.
Maybe this is what people tell you about-your whole life flashing before your eyes when you know you're going to die.
She hid behind a den of a large tree and closed her eyes, calling to every saint she knew and praying to God to save her.
Just a few more minutes. She only needs a few more minutes. After that, it'll be over.
But it hasn't been a while since she uttered her prayer when she heard footsteps coming her way, followed by a voice she knew who it belonged to.
Her silent cries intensified, and the only thing she could do at the moment was bring her hand to cover her mouth.
It was the very first time she felt such strong fear. The person she had been trying to run away from finally caught up to her.
"Come out, Laura Lee!" she heard the voice say.
With just that, her body was shaken even more.
"I'm just doing what is needed to be done-"
A rock suddenly hit the tree across her, creating a low thud followed by a rustling sound as it fell to the dried leaves scattered everywhere. She knows what the girl was doing-trying to smoke her out.
"This is nothing personal! Come out now before I lose my patience!"
At that moment, Laura Lee felt another thing for the first time.
She felt abandoned.
The god she had devoted herself to in her whole existence didn't answer her prayer, not when she needed Him the most. No signs. Nothing.
And then it hits her. Was there really a time when she felt Him? Or was she one of those people who spread empty words and held onto them just because she needed something to believe in?
She heard the same voice again, but only this time she didn't understand what it was saying as it was moving away from her.
And with all the courage she had left, she stood up, taking a peek at what was happening that distracted the girl from hunting her.
There, she saw another person she never thought she would see again, especially not at the moment.
Their eyes locked. She knew she saw her, even for only a second. But that was enough.
So she sat down once again, covering both her ears this time as she curled to the ground with her eyes closed and ignoring the voices around her, wishing for the darkness to finally come and set her free.
Slowly, Laura Lee could hear the noises in her surroundings grow louder.
It didn't take a long time for her to realize what just happened. She had another dream-or rather, a recurring nightmare, as she prefers to call it.
"Give me back the fucking nuggets, Natalie," demanded a voice.
"No, you had enough. There's a lot of us here, but you're taking all of them."
"My wife paid for it."
"Then she should have bought us more! There's seven of us here, and we've been on the road since morning. It's our first meal for the day!"
"Oh, for god's sake. Here's a hundred bucks! Go buy yourself more and stop acting like children."
"We don't want your charity, Jackie."
Laura Lee shifted her attention to the window to check what was outside. They are currently in some fast food restaurant's parking lot. Somewhere she couldn't recognize what city or town it was, which indicates that she's probably out for quite some time for them to get this far already.
And she was simply shoved into the back part of the bus. They didn't even put a seatbelt on her, so if they ever got into an accident, she'd be the first to die.
"Good, you're awake."
Laura Lee looked at Natalie with a blank face.
"Nuggets?" the woman asked Laura Lee while Van complained on the side. "No? Double cheeseburger, then?" Natalie asked again when Laura Lee didn't respond, offering her already half-eaten burger.
"Can you take me back to the church?" she replied to Natalie, ignoring her questions.
"Sure," Jackie said. "After we visit your friend."
The expression on Laura Lee's face darkened upon hearing Jackie's statement.
"Stop," she warned Jackie.
"Oh?" the woman smirked. "You don't like it when we call Lottie your friend?" Jackie mocked Laura Lee.
"I'm not like you who could stand pretending that everything is fine," replied the nun, clearly referring to somebody and implying something. "But I guess it's like breathing for you."
"Okay, chill," Van cut into the conversation before the tension between Jackie and Laura Lee even grew intense.
Laura Lee clenched her fists and collected herself, recalling everything she had learned in the past decades in every seminar, retreat, and recollection she underwent that helped her heal.
She spent a really long time learning how to control the darkness inside her, but being with them, she's prone to unleashing the same beast she had caged a long time ago. And that scares her.
"Laura Lee," a voice called her name.
There was no hint of hostility. No mocking. Nothing.
Just a plain voice in a flat tone calling her name and nothing special, but why did it bring so much emotion? Why did it send so much comfort to her?
Sister Laura. That's how people call her now. Not Laura, not Lee-not Laura Lee. Although it was simply her full name, it was a high school nickname that everybody at Wiskayok High gave her. Those names were no longer used, and she never heard anybody call her by that name in a long time.
She raised her head again, only to see Taissa standing in front of her, and the woman's face apologetic.
"We're sorry to drag you into this, but we really need you. You might be the only one she would talk to."
Jackie rolled her eyes while Natalie didn't hide her groan after seeing how Taissa approached the nun.
Laura Lee, who was now less hostile, spoke.
"I just want a peaceful life, Taissa. All of you have found your way back, but not me-not yet," she replied. "It's not easy for me."
Taissa placed her hand over Laura Lee's, her face painted with so much pity for their friend.
"I know that. Believe me, I do," said Taissa in a comforting voice, looking straight at Laura Lee. "Out of all the people in here, I think you know that I feel you."
Laura Lee didn't reply. She knows what Taissa was talking about.
Everyone has changed and done terrible things out there, but they were different. They both grew a beast inside of them while they were in the wilderness. And it took over themselves. It turned them into completely different people.
Those beasts kept them alive, but they had to pay a great price for it in return until their last breath.
"Why do you want to see Lottie?" Laura Lee asked, finally coming to the decision to stop resisting.
She knows, for a fact, that there's nothing she can do anymore. Every single one of them has no intention of letting her go.
It was Natalie who responded to her.
"That woman is risking everything we swore to keep a secret."
"And Travis was scared of her," Shauna added.
Laura Lee frowned. "Travis? I thought he disappeared like a decade ago," she asked Taissa.
Twenty years ago, she chose to leave the town where she grew up to start a new life, just like how Jackie left them, or Travis tried his best to avoid them, and how Lottie disappeared.
And six years ago, Taissa had finally learned where she was and which church she served. It was the first time, after more than a decade, that she saw one of them again. She was certain that Taissa would tell the rest about her whereabouts, but she also trusted that the woman would be able to explain her situation to them without any problem. After all, there's no reason left for them to see each other again.
The visit was quick, and they had a conversation inside the church where Taissa decided to give her some updates about their lives, which she didn't even ask for but definitely longed for with her whole honest heart.
Taissa married Van. Their path to that marriage wasn't an easy one and there were a lot of challenges but in the end, they still found each other again and promised a lifetime to be at each other's side. Shortly after their marriage, Van decided to start her own business of liking while Taissa founded her own law firm.
Shauna had a daughter. Shauna was the only one among them who started a family, and she couldn't be more happy for her old friend upon hearing that. Out of all the people among those who survived, it was Shauna who deserved that kind of life the most.
Taissa then told her that a year after she just left Wiskayok, they finally learned what Jackie was up to in the past years. It turns out Jackie took a massive turn, which they all didn't expect the woman would take in her life. She was studying to become a geologist and was starting to explore parts of the world. None of them saw that coming, and it didn't make any sense at all why she would choose that path, but everybody had their own ways of coping.
Misty was the same. She pursued a profession that she was good at and where she would always be needed by the people around her. Apparently, the woman always tries to ask them to grab a coffee or have a drink on some Saturday nights, but Van never fails to tell Misty to back off. And she couldn't blame Van. In the deepest part of her heart, she too knows that she hasn't fully forgiven Misty yet.
Natalie was the one who didn't change much. Drugs, alcohol, rehab-repeat. They knew she was trying to fix herself, but every time there was an improvement or progress in her situation, she just self-destructed again.
Then there was Travis, who was not in a good place at all either but was still better than Natalie's situation. He doesn't leave his house that much and always chooses to work not far from where he lives, as if he were afraid of losing his way home. Taissa checks on him some time through calls, and he will kindly give her some updates about what is going on with his life. Until eleven years ago, Travis cut off their communication without warning.
"We received a call from him earlier," explained Taissa. "I think the only reason why he called was that he was just bidding his goodbye to Nat, but-"
Her gaze shifted to Natalie, who was just staring outside the window but clearly listening to their conversation.
"He also mentioned Lottie finding us, and that's why he has to leave."
Laura Lee didn't respond immediately. She tried to think hard about what Travis meant or why he needed to do that.
"Why would Travis need to leave just because Lottie found him?" she asked the group.
"I don't know. Maybe Lottie was being Lottie again and that scared the shit out of him," said Jackie, shrugging her shoulders.
Laura Lee shook her head repeatedly, looking at the women with genuine confusion on her face.
"No. There was no reason for him to be afraid of her," she said as a starter. "Lottie had changed so much."
Silence took over the atmosphere. The nun's response triggered a lot of questions.
"You've seen Lottie!?" Misty asked in surprise. "How come I didn't know that? I always keep tabs on all of you!"
"I'm sorry, what the fuck?" Natalie asked the woman in glasses.
"You met Lottie? The schizophrenic nonverbal girl Lottie?" Shauna asked Laura Lee.
The woman nodded her head slowly as she spoke.
"Three years ago, she was here. I don't know why or how she found me, but she was here," replied Laura Lee. "She looked a lot different from when we last saw her, and I almost didn't recognize her."
Laura Lee's expression changed.
"Actually, no-" she said, remembering something. "I wouldn't recognize her at all if it wasn't for that same handkerchief tied around her wrist."
Natalie's face darkened realizing what Laura Lee was talking about. She knows what it was. She was the one to give it back to Lottie.
"The scarf from Agami."
Jackie's heart skips a beat upon hearing the name once again, but she chooses to ignore the strange feeling rising on her chest and focus on the conversation they were having.
"So, you know about that Camp Green Pine?" Misty asked Laura Lee.
"Lottie may have mentioned it to me, but that's just it. I didn't need to know more, so I told her to leave me alone," responded the nun in a flat voice.
"Well, we have some news for you. She might be running a cult there and using the symbols again," said Shauna.
"I have no idea about that," replied Laura Lee, feeling a wave of terror she hadn't felt in a while. "And if she's actually using them again, then...then..."
"The other ones are not in the book, but we're not sure if she's using them in her camp too." Taissa changed the topic immediately after seeing Laura Lee's expression.
"Well, she also used Agami's initials symbol on the cover, so yeah. But I guess it's safe to say now that there's no outside party involved in this mess given that Lottie also knows Agami's ugly-"
Van wasn't able to finish her statement when Laura Lee immediately cut her off.
"Why is it that even after a long time, she's still involved in this?" Laura Lee said, her tone a little hostile this time.
The woman clenched her fists, remembering the girl and everything she had done. Agami was long gone, but why are they still talking about her and involving her in everything until now? There are other people with them out there who died, not just Agami.
"Like she said, her initials were on the cover of the book," Jackie responded, emphasizing every word she says and matching the tone of Laura Lee's voice.
The nun stared at Jackie intently, then at everyone.
"You're saying you all started whatever this is, again, just because of her?" she asked them.
A short silence enveloped the bus, but Van ended it quickly.
"You know I've been meaning to ask this," the redhead started. "Why do you sound like you resent her so much?"
"Because I have the reason to-" Laura Lee replied quickly, staring straight into their eyes. "But you're the ones who really have every right to feel that way instead of me."
Van was about to speak, but Natalie immediately stopped her.
Natalie tilted her head as she smirked at Laura Lee, taking over the conversation.
"Give me a fucking reason why I should feel that way, I beg you."
Laura Lee raised her head, clearly not planning to stop what she was talking about.
"Agami was the worst among us out there, and deep down, I think you all know it."
Tension was felt between Natalie and Laura Lee. But not just them. Anger was also building up on Jackie and Van's system.
"Take that back," Natalie said in a low voice.
"I'm only telling the truth, Natalie. After all these years, I'm sure there are things you have come to realize," said Laura Lee to everyone.
The women remained silent after that.
"The feeling that eats you up after we were rescued? I felt that too," she said. "They kept me up every night, and I always ask why I am still alive. Do I really deserve the food on our table, the soft mattress of my bed, or even the closet full of clean and warm clothes?"
Everybody who experiences tragedy in their lives that involves surviving and watching their comrades or companions die as they get to live another day surely knows that feeling. The curse of being one of the few people standing-the survivor's guilt.
"But do you know which one was the hardest to swallow? It's realizing the fact that it was only us who did it. We killed them," Laura Lee said. "And the game we played? It wasn't as fair as we claimed it to be because there was something else."
Jackie wanted Laura Lee to stop. She wanted to tell the woman that what she was saying wasn't true, but just like Laura Lee said earlier, deep down, they knew it.
She knows it.
"Sure, there were things we cannot explain how or why they happened. But there's a reason why we are the ones who are still standing here and none of the other girls," the nun claimed. "We'll never know how Agami did it, but I can't remember asking her to do it for me. I would never play with other people's lives."
"Would there be any difference if we tell the world about that now?" Van said.
Laura Lee paused for a moment before responding to the red-haired woman.
"No," she said. "But you can stop telling yourselves we owe her our lives."
Although none of them thought they owed everything to Agami, a part of them knows that the girl played a huge part in their survival-be it in the right or wrong way, fair or not.
"You started it, you know," Jackie said in a low voice. "You and Lottie."
Laura Lee met Jackie's eyes. And she recognizes those eyes. She used to have that gaze and that look. But it was a long time ago.
"And I never forget. But we were only kids, Jackie. We didn't know what we were doing," responded the nun. "I lost my faith. I felt alone."
"Looking back, I'm pretty sure you didn't." Natalie frowned.
"I was wrong that time. There's only one God. But evil? Evil could be in different forms, and it was one of them," replied Laura Lee.
Card. Masks. Antlers. Sacrifice.
Those are the things that they played with-those were the things that played them.
"The one thing that I lost out there? I found Lottie. I found it in her," Laura Lee confessed, recalling a grave sin she committed.
"But I wasn't alone. You're all with me over it," she added, her eyes darting at each of them.
Lottie was treated like an oracle, the messenger of the wilds. Laura Lee turned her into something like a saint whom they come to pray for, believing it will hear their prayers.
"Agami was different though. The 'it' we were all scared of?" Laura Lee scoffed at everyone. "She was just playing with it. Agami was there to keep things around like it was her job."
Her gaze and attention then shifted to Jackie, who had been silent for a while now. Laura Lee smiled at the woman as she spoke.
"And you know that, right? I'm sure you felt something different about her," Laura Lee stated, her eyes still fixed in Jackie's direction. "Agami was the worst to walk among us, and you were her favorite."
Out there, in the wilderness, Agami was no saint or oracle.
She was a bystander who had her eyes everywhere, in every point of view, and in all the things they failed to see. And that makes her the most dangerous of them all.
Agami was with them, but she was never one of them.
And Jackie, after spending alone time with the girl for a short period, had learned at least a few things about Agami. Even for only a little, she understood what kind of person Agami was and how far she would go for things if she wanted them to happen.
The rest of their time on the bus, as Natalie went back to driving, was silent. In an hour, they would finally reach Camp Green Pine and see Lottie. Not a single one of them knew what would happen when they arrived there, but they only wanted one thing.
They want everything to finally end.
Jackie closed her eyes and tried her best to think of other things, such as the pile of work waiting for her once she got back in her field or some things she was looking forward to for her next excavation, but she failed.
Her mind wouldn't let her rest. Instead, it always takes her back to what Laura Lee said before they ended their conversation.
"Agami was no savior. She was playing god."
***
[1996]
Sweaters layered with multiple flannels and vests, pants stuffed with more fabrics after pants, ragged boots, and a beret pulled down under her ears were the only things that kept the girl warm in the freezing weather.
As she takes more steps at a knee-deep level in the cold snow, a trail of blood follows.
There, she stood in front of a tall tree-moist and warm in the middle of a snowy mountain, mossy from the roots and boulder stones surrounding it. The girl's trembling and bloodied hand reached forward to wipe off the snow covering a specific boulder.
She stared at the image hiding behind the ice crystals, carved clearly in one of the stones.
A symbol.
One that is slightly different from what they have already found but still shows great resemblance to it-a circle on a triangle, surrounded by short and long lines.
Agami closed her eyes. She could feel everything. She could hear the wilderness.
A wind and a short breeze then coiled around her body. It wasn't cold, but rather warm.
The girl opened her eyes upon hearing something. She felt a presence far from where she was, and she also hears every step they take that sinks into the mound of snow as they move.
As Agami moved forward to check them, she saw two figures kilometres away from her, walking side by side in the snowy expanse.
But like she always does, the girl simply turned around and started walking in a direction where she wouldn't come across the hunters, whispering a phrase repeatedly as she left the place.
"In the heart of the wilderness, only the strongest survive."
***
The Keeper's Symbol