I sometimes wonder if my parents love each other or if they are just together because of us. Did my father ever learn to love my mom? What is the basis for my father to say he loved my mom? How is it possible for my mother to say she loved him at a certain point? Did they grow tired and realize they made a mistake by getting married? Both parties would be happier if they chose themselves earlier when they were young rather than conforming to society's that they should get married because they have to.
When I was young, I always thought having a storage for love letters from your ex-love was normal. We had a box of old letters dedicated to someone in our room. Of course, my curiosity picked up when I was young, and I also realized that the box contained something important for my father. There were a lot of things in the box. Like magazines, books, and other things, but the most interesting thing that piqued my curiosity were the love letters and picture of a beautiful young woman. I even know the name. I even know who that woman was. She may have been older when I was a kid, but she was very vibrant when she was young. (My mom is still the most beautiful woman for me.)
The letter contains a profession of love and seems to indicate that they have exchanged love letters for a very long time with my dad. My face still cringed when I imagined my dad writing love letters back to the woman because he was not good at expressing his feelings to us. I dunno, he was always strict. He does not express his emotions often. He always seems to be angry. One wrong move could result in bruises, shouting, or threats of being kicked out of the house. We never felt safe enough to express our feelings. We were molded to be the best we could be. I was not interested in reading all the letters, but it left me wondering how my father could be so romantic and expressive with that woman but not with us. It was like my dad became a cold monster all those years, or maybe his warmth was something buried inside. I was always left wondering why. I thought it was just like that. Maybe, my parents loved each other in a language that I will never understand why or maybe, they didn't.
As I matured, I came to realize that they are both mirrors of each other. They loved different people, but they were hurt. As a result of their hurt, they found solace in each other's company. I am their offspring, and they have to take responsibility for that decision because society dictates it. The society believed that to be the right thing to do.
If my father could have married the love of his life, maybe he would not be as angry with everyone. My father could have a happier life and not be bitter and strict. I understand that my father loved us in a language that I don't feel loved, but it was his method of expressing his love and care, I believe. His love language is a foreign language to me, I can feel it sometimes but I don't understand it.
I had always thought that it was typical for a husband and wife to avoid conflict. That it was the most healthy thing in the world, but as you grow older, you realize how dysfunctional the household you grew up on. The reason why my mom and dad never fought was because she always gave in to my father's wishes. She never opposes him. A household without any fights is the same as a chaotic household with fights. It was alright... but you can feel the coldness inside. They just feel like housemates who got married because of their children.
And I wonder at what point did my mother realize that my father never really loved her? Was she able to see the letters? Did her heart hurt when she read them or did she even read them? I would feel hurt and jealous if that were me because how can you keep things from your ex for all these years?
I think... even if my mother denies it now or says that she never loved my dad. I think she fell in love with him at some point. If you didn't, then how come she tried to dim herself when she's a capable and very talented woman just because my dad doesn't like that. My dad always wanted to keep us in one place when we were young. It was like he was so afraid that if we learned how to fly, we would never look back and leave and my mother always seemed to understand what my dad felt, even if she denies it right now.
That's why I promised myself that I would not have a relationship like that. I cannot be with someone solely because it is right or because I love him but he doesn't love me. I want reciprocity. I want us to love each other always. If we realize that love and attraction are no longer present, I would rather have us go our separate ways than be in a relationship where we find feelings in other places, as I know hurt people hurt people. I realized my dad could be a great and bubbly person if he just chose his heart, but he didn't. I understand him as a human being, but as his daughter, I am hurt.