A/N: The first part of this story can be found in my Bucky Barnes Imagines Vol. 1 book. If you haven't read that, I would recommend reading that part first.
TW: This story deals with suicidal ideations. Please feel free to skip this part.
The tip of your pen was poised pensively on your bottom lip as you tried to sift through the noisy thoughts in your head. The events of last week had sent your mind into overdrive and you desperately needed to get them onto paper in order to sort through the myriad of feelings swirling inside you. As happy as you were about your upcoming date with Bucky, there was still a nagging voice in the back of your head telling you that you weren't worthy of him. That he would realize half-way through the date how screwed up you were and he'd head for the hills.
Excitement and happiness filled you when you saw Bucky's text letting you know he was coming home tomorrow and that he wanted you to be ready at three in the afternoon for your date. As quickly as those feelings came, they transformed into crippling anxiety. You tried getting every intrusive and unwelcomed thought into your diary, but it seemed that once you got one thought down on paper, another took its place.
You wrote for hours, ridding your mind of every single thought that popped into your head until only the positive ones remained. Five pages were now filled with your insecurities and fears surrounding your upcoming date. You sighed heavily as you slammed the book shut and tossed it onto your nightstand.
You curled up on your side staring at your diary. Normally, writing helped you work through your thoughts. It helped expel the darkness in your head and rid yourself of the thoughts that said you were nothing. That you weren't pretty, or funny, or smart. That you weren't good enough. That you weren't worthy of Bucky's love. You could leave all those thoughts on the blank pages of your diary...but not this time. Those thoughts still invaded your brain and rooted themselves in your core.
"Who am I kidding? This is never going to work out. I should just quit while I'm ahead." You groaned and covered your head with your pillow.
"Who are you talking to?" Wanda asked from the door of your room.
You jolted upright off your bed and twisted to look at the door.
"Holy shit, Wanda! You scared the hell out of me."
"Sorry, I just wanted to see if you'd like to go shopping to find an outfit for your date." A small smile graced her lips as she looked at you.
"Uh, no. It's okay. I-I think I'm going to cancel." You murmured.
"What? Why"
Wanda walked further into your room. Her eyes were wide and her lips turned down in a frown. She was your best friend and the only one who knew how dark your thoughts could actually get. Your friendship was an accident really. The anxiety you felt when first joining the team was so strong that Wanda was unable to keep herself from reading your thoughts. From there, your friendship grew out of her commitment to prove that every single negative thought you had about yourself was wrong. She had gone above and beyond to show you that you are more than what your mind told you were.
"I can't be the woman he deserves, Wanda. I'm too messed up." You said, tapping at the side of your head.
"Honey, Bucky read your diary. After everything he saw in there, he still told you he loves you and asked you on a date. He wants you how you are."
"I'm going to ruin it, Wanda. I know I am. I always self-sabotage myself somehow. I can't put Bucky through that." A few tears escaped your eyes and you cursed yourself for not being strong enough to hold them back.
"No, I'm not letting you do this. If anyone can relate to the thoughts and feelings you have, it's Bucky. You know what he's been through. He'll understand."
Wanda wiped your tears from your cheeks and pulled you into a tight hug. You knew she was right. If there was anyone in the compound that could understand the way you felt, it would be Bucky. It should be easy to talk with him about things like that. However, the fact that you were madly in love with him made it difficult to bare your scarred heart to him.
Taking a breath, you calmed your racing heart as best you could and nodded against Wanda's shoulder. You couldn't keep living your life scared. Never having the courage to chase after the things you wanted just because you were scared wouldn't get you anywhere. You had to start somewhere and, giving a relationship with a man you love a chance, that seemed like a pretty good place to start.
"I love you, Wanda. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you."
"I know. Now either show me what's in your closet or let's go shopping. I'm going to make sure you look spectacular for your date." She leaned back and grinned at you.
~
"Wanda, are you sure I shouldn't cancel?" You asked nervously as you slipped into the skinny jeans and red sweater Wanda had picked out for you.
"If you ask that one more time, I swear I will hold you down and beat you until you realize that this is a good thing. Stop trying to get me to talk you out of this, Y/n." Wanda grumbled.
"Okay. Sheesh, no need to get violent." You walked out of your bathroom and held your arms out. "Do I look okay?"
"You look beautiful." Wanda smiled.
"Are you sure this is good? What if I was supposed to be more...dressy?"
"I already talked to Bucky and he said something comfortable."
Wanda messed with your hair as you tugged at the fitted sweater. If you had it your way, you would've worn an oversized t-shirt and hoodie. The sweater was simple and beautiful, but the tighter fit and v-neck that exposed the slightest hint of cleavage made you feel exposed. You felt like every flaw you had was on display under the taut fabric. Fear that Bucky would take one look at you and feel disgusted crept into your mind and you felt yourself begin to flush with panic.
"Y/n, look at me, honey." Wanda titled your chin up and saw that your eyes were lined with tears. "Bucky thinks you're gorgeous. No matter what you think, that man loves you for you."
"How can you be so sure?" You whispered.
"Mind reader, duh." She smirked, making you laugh. "Oh, he's here!"
Wanda bolted towards the door, opening before Bucky could knock, as you wiped at your eyes. You followed behind her and took a deep breath before meeting Bucky's eyes. His gaze roamed over you and his lips parted as his eyes reconnected with yours.
"You look pretty as a picture, doll."
"I'm going to go. Have fun on your date." Wanda said as she squeezed past Bucky.
"I–uh, I got you something." Bucky held a rectangular shaped gift wrapped in simple brown paper out to you.
"You didn't have to do that." You said, taking the gift from his hand.
"I know, but I thought you'd like it. Open it up."
You tore at the paper until the most beautiful book you had ever seen was revealed. On the onyx cover were your initials embossed in swirling gold cursive. When you flipped it open, the thick pages were lined and empty, ready for you to pour your heart out. On the inside cover was a note from Bucky.
Even when these pages are full, know that there is always space in my heart and arms. I'll help you carry your burdens when you feel like you aren't strong enough. Love forever, Bucky.
The care that he put into the gift silenced every single degrading comment your mind created. In its place, Bucky's words were planted and your doubts about him melted away.
"I noticed that your diary was almost full and I thought you could use another one." He said sheepishly.
"Bucky..."
Tears once again pricked the corners of your eyes and you looked up at him with a teary smile. You carefully laid your new diary down on the table by the door before turning your attention back to him. You threw your arms around his neck and pressed your lips against his in a rough kiss. Bucky's lips didn't hesitate in moving against yours as one hand tangled in your hair and the other pulled you against him by the small of your back. You only broke the kiss when the urge to breath trumped your need to feel his lips on yours.
"I love it. Thank you." You whispered breathlessly.
"Of course, doll. Are you ready to go?"
You nodded and started to step away from him, but Bucky's arm stayed firmly planted around your back. He pulled you from the room, allowing you to shut your door, before steering you down the hall and out the front of the compound to his car.
"Where are we going?" You asked Bucky as he climbed into the car after helping you in.
"It's a surprise." He grinned.
"Can I have a hint at least?"
"You just gotta wait and see, doll."
Bucky began driving down the long winding road away from the compound. He was almost to the main road when he pulled over to the shoulder and shut off the car. Before you could question what he was doing, he got out and jogged to the trunk to grab something before coming to your door to help you out.
"Come on. We have to go on foot from here." Bucky held his hand out to you and you took it hesitantly.
"Are you taking me into the forest to kill me?" You asked with an arched brow.
"Never, doll. You're always safe with me. Now come on, it's a bit of a walk."
Bucky led you to a worn path that disappeared through the trees and into the forest. The walk was mostly quiet as you took in the beautiful scenery around you and the serene feeling it produced. With Bucky's hand in yours and the tranquility of the forest, it was the first time you had felt completely at peace.
In your amazement and curiosity of your surroundings, you didn't notice that Bucky was pulling you towards a clearing until you emerged from the tree line. You came to a halt as you looked in front of you to a hillside decorated with bright green pine trees. Vibrant flowers lined the clearing and were scattered throughout the open space. The bright blue sky was cloudless and the late afternoon sun cast a beautiful glow over the terrain.
Bucky led you to an open space between the scattered wildflowers and set down the basket that you didn't realize he was carrying. He laid out a blanket and then set out a few containers and a few different types of drinks. He took a seat and motioned for you to sit beside him, offering you one of the containers when you did. When you opened it, you found your favorite snack inside.
"I know it's your favorite. I thought our first date should be just the two of us, somewhere private where we can talk."
"How did you know this is my favorite?" You asked, amazed at his thoughtfulness.
"I pay attention to you, Y/n. I know your favorite color, the types of movies and music you like, that you have the uncanny ability to make people smile even though you seem to be a master at hiding your own sadness. I know that you always cry whenever you see one of those sad animal videos and you refuse to watch any movie where an animal dies. You scrunch your nose when you eat something that doesn't taste good to you. However, if it was made by someone in the compound, you tell them you loved it just so you don't hurt their feelings. And that's just scratching the surface." Bucky chuckled lightly.
You stared at him speechless that he paid that much attention to you. Being part of the team and living in such close proximity came with the expectation that you would find out things about your teammates. But the knowledge that Bucky seemed to have about you went beyond that. You didn't know Sam's favorite color or Yelena's favorite movie. You couldn't tell when Nat or Steve didn't like something or was just trying to be nice to spare someone's feelings. Yet Bucky knew all of those things about you.
"Wow, I didn't know you were so observant when it came to me." You blushed slightly as you looked away from him.
"I have been since we first met. All those little things, every adorable quirk, is what made me fall in love with you." Bucky paused, taking a deep breath, before continuing on. "Which is why some of the things in your diary scare the absolute shit out of me. Where do all of those thoughts come from, Y/n. None of them are true, so why do you see yourself that way?"
"I don't know. It's always been the way I see myself."
"You think we'd seriously be better off without you? That if you weren't here, no one would care?" Bucky took your hand in both of his as he stared at you intently.
"Sometimes." You whispered softly, averting your gaze.
"Doll." Bucky gently cupped your cheek and turned your face to his. "That's not true at all. Everyone at the compound thinks of you as family. Wanda would be devastated if she lost you. I'd be heartbroken without you."
"The things that pop into my head scare me sometimes." You admitted.
"Tell me the thought that scares you the most."
You shook your head slightly and squeezed your eyes shut. What he wanted you to admit was the darkest thought you had ever had. The one that scared you beyond measure and gave you nightmares.
"I won't judge you, Y/n. I just want to help you. I've been where you are and it may not seem like it, but talking about it with someone who understands what you're feeling can help."
Your eyes opened and you stared at him, breathing deeply until you felt brave enough to say the words out loud.
"There have been times when we've been on missions and I've been in a really dark place, but I tried to ignore it. We'd be in the middle of getting shot at and I'd think, 'I should just let them kill me. I could jump in front of a bullet and all the pain would be over.' But I felt too guilty for leaving the team a member short, so I pushed those thoughts aside and continued to fight." Your breath was ragged as you exhaled slowly.
Bucky pulled you between his legs where your back was pressed against his chest. His arms wrapped around your waist tightly and he held you as if you were going to disappear. You felt his lips press several light kisses to the back of your head before he asked his next question.
"Have you ever thought about it when we weren't on a mission?"
You simply nodded in reply.
"I just couldn't bring myself to do it, though. I've thought about it so many times, but something always stops me." You said after a moment.
"Doll, everyone on Earth serves a purpose. It doesn't matter how insignificant you think you are in this world, know that you are the world to someone else. Even if it seems like everything is going to shit, remember that a flower always blooms brightest after the storm. You're strong and I know you can fight through this, but if you need someone else to be strong for you then come to me—even if it ends up being every hour of the damn day. I will always be here for you."
Silent tears streamed down your face as Bucky spoke softly into your ear.
"Why would you do that? I don't want you to see me as a burden. I don't want you to see how fucked up I am. You say you love me, but you'll get tired of me eventually." You choked out.
"No, I won't. You weren't a part of the team when Steve first brought me in. I was in the same situation you are now. I still have bad days, but talking to someone helped. Working through everything in my head with someone I could trust, someone who devoted their time and attention to me and didn't make me feel like I was annoying them with my problems, helped. I can give you the same thing if you'll let me."
Bucky kissed the back of your head again when he heard the faint sound of your voice.
"I'll try."
"That's all I ask for, doll." He said as you turned your head to look up at him.
He swiped his thumb under your eyes to brush away your tears and smiled down at you.
"I didn't mean to jump right into the heavy stuff, but I've been thinking about it all week since I found your diary. I'm not going anywhere, so let me be your person."
Bucky leaned down and took your lips in a sweet and loving kiss. Where doubt and fear usually crept in to convince you that what you heard was a lie, Bucky seemingly managed to dispel those feelings with a single brush of his lips against yours. Instead you felt his love and devotion and deep down you knew that he meant everything he promised. He would be there when you felt like you were completely alone in the world. He would carry you when you couldn't even crawl. He would love you when you couldn't love yourself.