There was a knock on Lucifer's door. It had been a couple of days since his and Alastor's date (it very obviously was not). They had been getting along better than usual, and by getting along it means they haven't been in a physical fight for about a day and a half.
The cause of the fight? Lucifer was trying to make some popcorn for Charlie and himself to enjoy whilst watching a crappy soap opera that she loved so much, and Alastor wanted to heat up his homemade jambalaya. They both needed the microwave, and neither were going to let the other use it first.
"I'm making it for Charlie!"
"Well I'm hungry! Would you rather I eat Angel Dust?"
"He's all fluff, you need more meat because you need to put on weight. You have a flat ass and tiny nipples."
"I don't have tiny nipples for your information."
"Sorry, I just assumed everything about you in tiny except your height."
"More than what you have to offer."
"I pulled two hot chicks, trust me, I have a lot to offer."
"You're disgusting." Alastor gave a strained expression, and Lucifer set his popcorn kernels aside. He folded his arms and scowled.
"Your ass is flat. It caves in."
"At least my brain isn't the size of a walnut." With one swift move, Alastor threw his jambalaya into the microwave and Lucifer launched himself at him, hands around the skinny neck of the radio demon. The jambalaya rotated slowly on the spinning plate, a low hum emitting from the microwave.
Alastor spluttered at the force of the hands around his neck, but summoned his shadow arms to copy the action. Now they were at a standstill, Alastor was on the floor, with Lucifer kneeling on his stomach, each of their hands around the other's throat. They glared at each other with ugly snarls until a loud clearing of the throat shocked them both.
"Really guys? You can't even share a microwave?"
"Your father is insufferable."
"Okay beansprout."
"Baked bean."
"Runner bean."
"Pea."
"Carrot."
"Sweetcorn."
"Parsnip."
"Tiny potato."
"Can you guys stop naming vegetables?!" Charlie tugged at her hair and the microwave pinged. Alastor, with an unexpected amount of force, shoved Lucifer off him and grabbed his bowl.
"My jambalaya! See how easy it was to let me go first, Lucifer?" Alastor disappeared into a mist and Lucifer was left with a seething Charlie.
"Dad-"
"Yeah, yeah. The popcorn is coming."
"Just... try to get along with him."
"I'll try, darling."
•
There was another knock on the door, more impatient this time.
"It's open!" Lucifer called, before returning his attention to the new rubber duck he was making. He thought he'd try to ease Vaggie's nerves by making her a pair of ducks that resemble her and Charlie. He wanted to make it up to her after accidentally walking in on them having sex.
He had only seen the duvet moving, but that alone was enough to make him turn on his heel and sob into his pillow.
The door flung open, and Alastor strutted in. They had an unspoken rule of never entering each other's rooms, so Lucifer was outraged.
"What do you want Alastor?"
"I want you to be on my radio show! We can talk about anything you like!"
"Why?" Lucifer bit his tongue from calling him a name once again.
"My listeners recently found out I was in the presence of the King of Hell and wanted me to invite you onto my broadcast!"
"You're eerily cheerful, what have you got planned?"
"I'm just excited to have an amazing guest on my show!"
"If I agree to this, you're not allowed to embarrass me or call me baked bean." Lucifer gave a pointed look, and Alastor's smile faltered slightly, he quickly recovered.
"That's a lot less fun."
"Then I'm not going."
"Fine, but just because my listeners are dipping because of Vox's new TV show."
"Hell's version of Eastenders is actually pretty good." Lucifer knew it would get under Alastor's skin to say this, and it worked. Alastor's eye twitched and he spun on his heel.
"Follow me Your Majesty! We're on air in ten minutes!"
•
The radio station was every shade of red, with a multitude of buttons on the desk. Alastor pulled a secondary seat up to the microphone and they sat in silence as Alastor set up his broadcast.
"I've never been on a radio show before." Lucifer commented, "I'm quite nervous."
"Relax, just follow my lead."
"You're being suspiciously nice."
"I don't want to cause any bad blood before we're on air, who knows what my listeners would think if we started squabbling?" A few more buttons were pressed before Alastor twisted his chair to face Lucifer, the grin on his face was unreadable. There was a glint in his eye that the fallen angel had never seen before. It was almost like he was finally relaxing, easing into his speech for the beginning of his show. Lucifer had never been on a radio broadcast before, only television interviews, he was unsure what would be worse.
"-and today we have a very special guest, the King of Hell himself, Lucifer Morningstar!" Lucifer felt his blood run cold with fear, and Alastor was looking at him expectantly and just how many people were listening? He was silent for a brief moment, enough for it to be awkward. He was never good at public speaking, and it was just him and Alastor in a room, and he felt sweaty and warm.
Suddenly, a rubber duck landed in his lap. It was Mr Lawrence! Lucifer glanced at Alastor, whose expression had grown slightly softer, but it quickly hardened up again when Lucifer began to speak. Lucifer started to stroke the smooth rubber of the duck's head. He could feel the soothing sensation that Mr Lawrence was feeling, finally being back in his creator's care. He probably imagined that Alastor was quite ruthless with his poor ducks, throwing them against the wall whenever he was angry. However, Mr Lawrence seemed to say otherwise.
"It's good to be on here Alastor! I'm excited to be discussing whatever with one of my friends." He had to spit the word out and Alastor looked amused.
"Friends huh? You flatter me, the radio demon has no friends."
"Wow you're so intimidating, do your listeners know about your jambalaya recipe?"
"Nope! It's homemade and I will not be sharing a recipe."
"Loser."
"Failure."
"Has-been."
"Write-off."
"Dud."
"Anyways! We are here to discuss anything and everything in this session!" Alastor smoothly recovered, "for example, what brings you out of hiding?"
"I wasn't hiding, I was simply focusing on other tasks."
"Like making rubber ducks?"
"Exactly! I mean, no!"
"Like fixing your marriage?"
"Maybe you should fix your haircut before you come for my marriage!" Alastor looked pleased, Lucifer wasn't sure why until he turned to his right and saw a big screen of the number of listeners currently tuned in. 54,382 listeners. Now he knew why Alastor was purposely making him angry. "Besides, shouldn't you fix your friendship with Vox?"
This ruffled some feathers, and Alastor narrowed his eyes. The number of listeners grew by 3,000.
"There's no hope for us, he hates me."
"Is it because he liked you romantically?"
"It wasn't my fault that the simpleton fell for me. It was completely one-sided. I didn't even realise we were technically dating until he showed up at my door with roses and chocolates for our one year anniversary." The screen showed the icon of a phone and Alastor clasped his hands together. "Ah it seems we have our first caller!" He pressed a button and a loud, booming voice began to yell.
"You dumb prick! Of course we were dating! We went on dates!"
"I don't recall ever being on a date with you. Name one."
"We went to a fancy restaurant across town! I went to Cannibal Town just for you!"
"Is that not what friends do?"
"We were not friends."
"Hmm, that's a shame. Looks like your time is up, thanks for your screen time Vox."
"I'm going to kill y-" Alastor pressed a button and Vox was cut off mid-scream. He turned to Lucifer.
"How is your love life going?"
"You know the answer to that, prick."
"Ah yes, Lilith left you seven years ago."
"She didn't leave me. We are currently on a break."
"Do you even know where she is?"
"Sure! She's- uh."
"Yes, I'm sure she's off in the land of uh." The screen lit up once more with the icon of a phone, and Alastor pressed another button. "Our second caller of the session! How can we help you?"
"Did Sir Pentious really have two dicks?" It was Cherri Bomb, and she sounded like she was about to lose her mind.
"I'm sorry what?" Lucifer laughed, and Cherri Bomb audibly growled into the speaker.
"Did. He. Have. Two. Dicks? I need to know before I go insane!"
"Why is this of importance?" Alastor stiffened, his previous good mood seemingly being strained at the mention of sex.
"He kissed me, saying he loves me then dies! I need to know if I was missing out!"
"Aww that's so sweet! Well, snakes have a hemipenis so technically yes, but there's more to love than just sex." Lucifer leaned back into his chair and Alastor looked like he did not want to be there.
"It's about whether their quirks and imperfections are perfections to you, if you could listen to them talk about what they're passionate about for hours on end. It's about finding them beautiful even on a bad day, it's about laughing at their bad jokes and taking care of them when they're upset. It's about wanting to spend the rest of your life with them, hopelessly devoted to them."
"So, you're saying that I could've had Pentious? Like, as a partner? I was such a fool." Cherri Bomb sounded like she was tearing up, "all I cared about was dick size and how much coke I could snort. I never for a second thought I was... loveable."
"Of course you're loveable! There's someone out there for everyone!" Lucifer made eye contact with Alastor. The deer was intently watching him, chin resting on the backs of his hands as he tilted his head. Lucifer rolled his eyes. "Well, almost everyone. Alastor here has no heart."
Something snapped inside Alastor's twisted mind. His eyes darkened, not fully, but enough to tell Lucifer that he fucked up.
"Thank you for that lovely insight Lucifer, I'm afraid we are cutting this broadcast short, stay tuned for more." Alastor pressed the big red button in the centre without breaking eye contact with Lucifer, who was also staring him down.
It was silent for a moment, before Lucifer opened his mouth. Alastor pressed the tip of his cane to Lucifer's lips.
"What's this about me not having a heart?"
"I didn't mean it like that! I know you're aromantic and asexual and I know it's a spectrum so I shouldn't have assumed-"
"It's fine." Everything about Alastor was telling Lucifer it was not fine. "You're just making a joke." The grin on his face was forced, but he quickly deflected with a, "well I'm starved! I fancy some jambalaya."
"You've had jambalaya for several days."
"I added some venison into my recipe and now it's delicious! I can't get enough of it!" Alastor was on the way to the exit, when Lucifer grabbed his arm. The radio demon tensed, like he always did whenever someone made contact with him.
"Look, Alastor, I'm sorry about what I said back there. I would like to do another radio broadcast with you again sometime."
"Why of course! That's the most listeners I've had in seven years, I'd be a fool not to agree."
"And I don't think you're heartless, maybe a little prickly, but I think some part of you cares about other people."
"Oh, how wrong you are."