I was trying not to count the days, but it had been almost two months since the last time I saw Noah. I kept my word and decided to keep in touch with the guys, even though most of the time it made me feel sad afterward.
The guys were throwing Jolly a low-key birthday party and invited me to come along and join their close friends. I thought it was nice they still considered me to be apart of the "circle". Life after Noah was rather lonely and I was glad I could get out of the house.
I knew that Noah was home from rehab and I would see him there, but I figured that I was able to be cordial. I rang the doorbell when I arrived and was greeted by a grinning Folio.
"Hey Evie!" He pulled me into a tight hug just happy I actually came.
"Hey." I smiled and hugged him back.
I noticed the room full of familiar faces of the band and their friends and crew. I waved and greeted people, hugging some of the people I genuinely missed.
I made my way around the room and finally came across Noah standing nearby. I didn't exactly know how to react, but felt some small relief when we smiled warmly at me.
"Hey Evie..." he said quietly.
"Hi." I answered weakly.
We stood in silence for a few moments as I looked over his flawless features. He looked healthier. He was clean shaven. I noticed his hair was shorter as the dark locks were swept neatly across his forehead. I wanted to reach out and touch it. I loved it. He held me gently above my waist and leaned down kissing my cheek softly, giving me goosebumps.
I missed his touch along with so many other things.
"How are you?" I asked him genuinely looking into his eyes.
"I'm...better...it's still going to take me some work but I've come along way." He nibbled his nip nervously and I nodded glad to hear the news.
"How are you doing?" He asked.
"I'm okay..." I couldn't help but to cross my arms. "I'm hanging in there."
He nodded looking back at me searching my face for something. Who was I kidding? He knew me better than anybody and was aware it was a bullshit answer, but he accepted it for now wanting to tread lightly.
"You look beautiful, Eve."
His eyes never left me as he complimented me, and I felt my cheeks get hot as my heart started thumping quickly.
"Thank you..." Was all I could manage to get out. He made me shy like it was our first time meeting all over again.
I was so thankful when Melissa, an old friend of the band's and I came up to me and squeezed me tightly to say hi. It was a convenient interruption as I squeezed her back and she squealed in excitement as it had been months since we've spoken.
She naturally started talking away and Noah kind of lingered off for now, knowing she was a complete chatterbox.
I spent a few hours at the party, actually feeling relieved. I missed everyone more than I allowed myself to realize, and it almost felt like back how things were before Bad Omens hit it big...simpler times...before Noah and I started falling apart.
People eventually started to filter out, and it was only a handful of us left. I noticed Noah stand and grab his jacket...he was leaving. I felt a slight sadness come over me, knowing it would probably be a long while before I saw him again. I hated that I still felt anything at all. I was hopeless.
He made his rounds saying good bye to everyone and as I waited for him to get to me, I felt nervous, like a child waiting to be noticed by their crush.
"It was really nice seeing you, Eve..."
"You too, Noah..."
He ran his fingers through his short locks, looking slightly nervous.
"I am waiting on a cab but would you mind just stepping out with me really quick?" I was taken back but agreed as we stepped outside onto the front porch. There was a porch swing and we both decided to get comfortable, listening to the soft creaking of the swing in the quiet night. We were quiet for a few moments listening to the drowned out sound of everyone's laughter from in the house.
He turned to me, supporting his head on his palm, resting his arm on the back of the cushion.
"Eve, I just wanted to give you a real apology." He confessed and looked down at his lap nervously.
"Rehab was necessary for me to see things clearly...looking back I was very confused...stressed out...not sleeping properly...but I don't want to sit here and give you excuses for what I put you through."
I tensed up trying not to get emotional over everything that happened between us. He had said sorry so many times before, but this time I recognized he was coming from a clear and level headed place.
"I'm really sorry for how I handled everything back then...you didn't deserve any of it. And even though I never wanted us to break up...once it was done I just stayed away because I knew your suffering would be over and I needed to stop being selfish and just let you go...."
I let out an ironic chuckle. Suffering....
"I suffered either way, Noah,"
He made a pained expression.
"...But I think the toughest part is how I gave you four years of my life, just to be replaced so easily."
He shook his head bringing himself to look me in the eyes.
"No, no, no. It's not easy....at all. It fucked me up...and it haunts me. I never replaced you. No one ever could or will."
I bit my lip to stop the trembling, feeling a lump in my throat. My mind automatically went back to the texts and seeing him on stage with her.
"It's just clear that whatever I gave you wasn't enough..."
"Don't say that." He huffed. "You don't really believe that, Eve. You're perfect...in fact, you're too good for me."
"Then why did you give up on us so easily?"
It haunted me and I finally got to ask. Why would he run to comfort in someone else instead of just trying to remain loyal to me?
He ran his hand over his face with frustration.
"Oh God...I regret it every fucking day, Eve! You have no idea. You're all I think about...from the time I wake up until the time I try to go to sleep! I turned into an egotistical prick when the band started blowing up and you didn't deserve that! You were there for me and believed in me before anyone else did. I fucked it all up. It was dumb of me...so fucking dumb."
I couldn't hold it in anymore and the tears started to well up in my eyes. I looked down not able to keep looking at him, it felt humiliating I was still so passionate over this.
"What about me Noah?! You never once thought about how I would feel and how crushed I would be? What about me!!! I barely slept...I had to go on meds just to try and clear my head enough to try and let it rest. I couldn't eat...I felt like a fucking zombie Noah...just barely surviving. I was so devastated that you did that to me...I thought even through our difficult times that we were stronger than that. "
I felt his thumb wipe my tears away and he lifted my chin for me to look at him.
"Evie, I'm sorry...and I don't know how else to express it to you. Believe me, I blame myself every day for this. And I regret it all. I really wish I could go back."
"Well, wishing isn't enough, is it?"
He sighed.
"I guess not...but I'm just praying that maybe one day, you will forgive me..."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing and stayed quiet just to try and make sure I wasn't delirious.
"...and if you tell me that there's even a sliver of a chance that you can...I'll wait for as long as I have to."
I felt overwhelmed and just tried to remind myself to take a breath.
"I don't know...I just don't know right now...."
"I can respect that." He sighed. His Uber pulled up as if it was here to save me from this intensity.
"Just think about it..." he pleaded. He leaned in and gave me a gentle kiss on my forehead, then left me by myself on the swing as he walked off to the taxi. He snuck a glance at me once more before getting in and driving off.
I stayed to myself for another ten minutes just trying to pull myself together before going back in the house. I didn't know how to feel and if he even deserved another thing from me...i was still hurting and justified in feeling this way.
I just needed time.