a pathological people pleaser who only wanted you to see her
✶
It was early morning when Celeste woke on the cold floor. The sky was still dark, painting the foyer into a chilling scene of shadows. She trembled and shivered as she sat up, warily looking around the empty room.
There was a horrible, sickening grief in her stomach.
Celeste slowly stood, holding her breath as she did. Her body ached all over, from her neck to her thighs. She felt disgusted and humiliated with herself ― more than last time. How had she let it happen again?
She stumbled a step forward, as the feeling of Evan's hands and lips still tainted her memory. She could still feel his nails, clawing against her skin. She still felt the trail of unwanted touches and revolting pain between her legs.
Celeste doubled over and retched uncontrollably, her whole body repulsed. Tears stung at her eyes.
Rallying her strength together, she quickly charmed herself clean with a fresh set of clothes. Heart thundering, she fled out the door and raced to Sirius' flat.
-
Celeste burst through the door, chest heaving and hair disheveled. "Sirius!" she called, voice breaking. "Sirius?"
She entered the kitchen, where he usually waited for her. But today, he wasn't. She had expected as much, seeing as it was still twilight. He likely wasn't awake.
Celeste called for him again and received no reply. She crossed over to the next room, continuing to search. "Siri―"
Sirius was sitting in the living room, on the couch, as though he had been there since she'd left. Like he hadn't moved, and was waiting for her return. In the darkness of the house, the shadows made him look older. Angrier.
He stared at the floor, face hard and unhearing.
"Sirius?"
He ignored her.
Celeste moved closer to him. She tried again, more desperate. "Sirius."
This time, he finally turned to look at her. His expression was unreadable as he stood. "Had fun, did you?" he suddenly sneered. "How was tea?"
A surprised and pained look flashed over Celeste's face. She tried to steady her breathing as she said, "I was called to a meeting, Sirius."
Sirius scoffed in disbelief, his breath reeking of alcohol. "Right. Of course. You always are."
"Are you alright?" Celeste said, noticing the familiar scent of wine. She tried to reach for his hand. "Why were you drinking?" Much to her relief, Sirius didn't let go of her hand.
"I had a mission tonight," he said, his words slightly slurred. "Don't you remember?"
Celeste frowned. "Of course, I remember. What happened?"
Sirius' eyes became distant and foggy. Celeste braced for the worst, but it was nothing compared to what he finally told her.
"The Prewett twins are dead."
Her breath caught in her throat. She shook her head, eyes wide and unbelieving. "There's no way ― they ― they're the best Aurors we've got."
Sirius shot her a glare. "You would've known if you'd been here."
"I was busy, Sirius," Celeste argued, ignoring the pang of hurt his words made. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. But I needed to attend ― I learned really vital news. There's going to be an attack on―"
"I don't care, Celeste!" Sirius interrupted. He huffed and dropped her hand. "You should've been here. Of all nights, Celeste! You should've been here, and you weren't. Why can't you just admit your fault? Two of our good friends just died. And you were off scheming with the enemy."
Her jaw fell slack, utterly at a loss for words. She turned away, unable to meet his condescending face. She could feel him looking down on her as if she were some stupid girl to reprimand. "How," she stammered coldly. "Was I supposed to know this was going to happen?"
"You said you'd come back!" Sirius shouted. "You didn't, and I had to leave. Do you know how terrified I was?"
"I'm sorry!" Celeste shouted in return. "Look, I'm sorry I made you feel that way, but don't push unreasonable blame on me! That's not fair."
Sirius glowered at her. "Fair?" he spat. "You wanna talk about being fair?"
Dread was overcoming Celeste now. She hated fighting with Sirius ― but at times like these, he went too far. She knew it wasn't his fault, that it was coming from the liquor, but the pain slashed against her soul like a burning knife.
"You are easily the least fair person to exist! I don't even care what stupid information you're feeding Dumbledore." He moved closer to her, his voice lowering dangerously. "All I know is that for almost a fucking year, you've been buddying up with Voldemort, trying to play hero on both sides."
"What in Salzar's name are you saying?" Celeste said helplessly. She looked around the room for something, anything of distraction. He was grieving, Celeste reminded herself. He was only taking it out on her. None of it was real.
"You play both sides, Celeste!" he shouted, voice rising higher. "You're some sort of pathological people pleaser. You can't make a fucking decision so you help both sides of this war! You're a traitor to both sides. You tiptoe on all these fucking lines, but you never truly cross over."
The moment froze. Celeste struggled to breathe as his furious words echoed in her head. Pathological people pleaser. She looked at him, completely appalled. She whispered hoarsely, "You've lost your fucking mind if you think for a second that I support Voldemort. That I support the murdering of innocents."
"But you do, Celeste!" He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "You're married to a death eater. You're still connected with your family."
It was a low blow. Celeste flinched at the words. They sounded familiar, as though someone else had told her them before. "Did you ― do you think I have a choice in this?"
"Yes," Sirius snapped. "Yes, you did. You always have, so stop trying to deny it."
"I'm under orders from Dumbledore!" she cried desperately. "Just stop saying these things, Sirius. Please."
"You could've said no! When he asked you, you could've said no!"
"I could've," Celeste agreed coldly. "But you encouraged me ― as did all of our friends."
She knew that she shouldn't have stirred his rage up even more. But his words aimed to kill, and she had already taken the first wounds.
"But you enjoy this, don't you?" he scoffed, shaking his head. "The second they come calling, you run straight to them. You're so desperate to uphold your dumb reputation amongst those insane Sacred 28! It's like you're some Machiavellian person I don't know."
The force of his words knocked the wind from her lungs. Her eyes stung. "Machiavellian," she murmured. "You don't seem to understand, Sirius, that my reputation is all I can have in this society. It is all that is left of me. I don't have anything else."
"You have me." Sirius gazed at her, finally calming down. "Isn't that enough?"
His hopeful expression devastated her. It should've been enough, Celeste knew. He should've been enough. But it wasn't.
Her reputation was something too precious to lay waste to. She could never bear to destroy and part with it ― not when she had spent her entire life building it up. Her youth had bled and died for it. In her lonely upbringing, she had sobbed and endured through all those years.
It was all that was left of her. So she was desperate to defend it.
So no, he wasn't enough. He could never be, no matter how much she wished he was.
Sirius read her wary expression and stepped back. "What you are saying?" he demanded.
"I love you, Sirius," Celeste pleaded. "You need to believe me―"
He scoffed and started walking. He brushed past her and headed for the kitchen.
"Sirius, please," she whispered. Celeste reached for him, her shaking hand holding his arm back. "I need you to understand."
"That you love me?" he cut in sharply. He could barely stand to look at her. "Godric, Celeste. Isn't this exhausting? Aren't you tired of all this? What are you even trying to achieve? I get it ― you love me, but not really enough to stop you from banding with the dark wizards. Is that it?"
"You think I've turned evil? I'm suddenly best friends with mass murderers?" Celeste said. Her face fell, as though every ounce of strength in her had retreated.
Sirius turned to face her, quieting. "No, I have more faith in you than that."
"I need you to understand that I don't do this for anyone except you and my family ― the Malfoys. To protect you all." Her voice broke. She stopped, feeling her heartbeat racing faster and faster. "I tiptoe on this fragile line because you're on opposite sides, Sirius. How could I betray my sister? And if I didn't, how could I betray you?"
Sirius closed his eyes, and Celeste knew that he was remembering Regulus, and how he'd left him behind. "You were gone, and I needed you the most," his voice finally broke. "I went out of mind."
Celeste swallowed, suppressing her frustration away. "I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too," he said. Sirius moved back towards her and kissed her forehead. "I'm so sorry, darling. I'm sorry I hurt you."
Celeste melted into him, smiling faintly. "You could never hurt me."
The two souls wrapped their arms around one another, whispering sweet nothings and lovely promises. Celeste couldn't bear to pull away from him, so she stayed.
She stayed, and she died a little, knowing that Sirius would never understand her the way that she wanted. She stayed, and her heart sobbed, knowing that she still loved him.
AUTHOR'S NOTE
how is everyone doing?
the next chapter will not be this depressing, I promise!! idk why but I've been in a really great writing mood lately. keeping ya'll fed for the first time
i feel like the selene and regulus parallel tells so much about celeste and sirius' personalities and ideals so I just had to briefly put that in there. i was also obnoxiously playing abba while writing this chapter, so I'm scared the vibes are gonna feel off sjkdhfkja
xx, aria !!