❃𝙺𝚒𝚊𝚛𝚊❃
Maybe it's a bad idea. Maybe my heart will be broken in a couple of months, and maybe I'll want to move away somewhere quieter than this and just not be able to.
It's all too tempting though. I've been over it in my mind over and over...and I can't bring myself to be happy with the no answer. I feel the need to stick with it though to avoid that broken heart and the urge to run away from it.
So, yeah. Maybe I'm stupid for it, but I've decided that I'm okay with the outcome that could come through since I'll have done it to myself.
This is what I try warning myself with as I slip my heels on. He said dinner but didn't say where at, so I'm kind of taking a shot in the dark here. I figure I can never go wrong with my favorite pair of black jeans and a cute, black backless long sleeve shirt.
I'm not even a hundred percent sure he's downstairs right now. I haven't texted him about anything other than Cam—briefly—in, like, days. I told myself I wanted to go, but I still didn't really tell him that in case for some reason I...changed my mind. It would've been awful of me, but I couldn't say it wouldn't have been possible. Besides, Noah told me he'd be down there at six and if I came, then I came. If not, he told me it would be okay.
I guess I'm just wondering if he gave himself those options too. Like maybe he's told himself that if he doesn't want to be there, then he won't be, and I'll be the one left standing out there waiting for no one in the cold. It would be fair if he gave himself the same options. Actually, it'd be a little upsetting if he didn't.
There's really no way to find it if he's really down there without going down myself, so with a deep breath, I leave the quiet apartment to make my way downstairs and outside. Luckily, Cameron's friend conveniently invited him for a sleepover Friday all through Sunday afternoon, so he has no idea what we're doing tonight. I doubt he doesn't know something's happening between us though. He's too observant for that.
The walk down the stairs and outside feels longer than it actually is. When I make it out there, the cold air hits me like a slap in the face, and I wonder just what the hell I'm doing. That part of me that told myself to just say no and let things fall into their safe places urges me to turn around and go back inside before I can see if he's even here or not. That part of me somehow manages to force my foot backwards, taking half a step back to go back inside.
My cheeks tingle and feel like they're probably turning pink while my eyes dart around, trying to find him to hopefully stop myself from going back inside. It doesn't take me long to find him just a car down on the curb from where I stand in the middle of the sidewalk.
My heart races with anxiety even after I make eye contact with him. He stands beside the passenger door of his car with a bundle of the darkest red flowers I've ever seen. I'm not even close enough to see what they are, but I decide I love them.
Our breath comes out as little puffs of white smoke. For a moment, we both just stare at each other as we realize we made the same decision tonight.
He smiles.
I swallow as I start stepping closer. He meets me halfway even though he doesn't have to."You're early." He points out curiously.
"All I had to do was walk downstairs. What's your excuse?"
"I just really wanted to see you."
Two beats go by before I blink and realize I actually need to respond. "What if I hadn't come down?"
He seems to debate on answering me, staying quiet for a few seconds. "Then I guess I wouldn't have seen you." He decides, for some reason keeping his other answer to himself.
He said we could pretend like it never happened if I never came down, but I can't stop myself from wondering how true that would've been. I can't stop thinking about him standing out here for far too long while I cower in the safety of my apartment.
His head tilts slightly and his smile softens. "Please stop looking at me like I'm your kidnapper." His gentle laugh makes me want to smile and frown at the same time. "Don't feel like you have to be here. You can go back inside, Kiara."
"No, I don't want to." I assure quick, reaching out to touch his arm even though he doesn't step away from me. "I just...I'm scared." I whisper.
"Of me?" His voice lowers to match mine.
"A little." Then shake my head when I realize that's not all. "It's complicated. I'm not afraid of you, I'm..."
"I'm scared too."
I shouldn't be as relived by that as I am. "You are?"
He smiles. "Yeah." He confirms. "Yeah—I mean...Shit, Kiara." He chuckles and looks down at the ground while he shifts on his feet. "I've kinda put myself in the danger zone over here. You said no, like, every other time I asked. I know how much you don't really want to be here right now."
I deflate a little. "I'm sorry. That's not a good feeling."
"No." He laughs despite his answer.
"I'm not trying to...hurt you." I slowly assure, unsure of how much that even means to him.
"You're just trying to protect yourself." He finishes with a short nod. "I know. I get it. It's okay, Kiara. I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one who's scared."
I bite down on the inside of my cheek. "I want to be here." It's awful that he thinks I don't, but I haven't done anything to make him think otherwise.
"Me too." He agrees. "So," His smile starts to widen as he offers those flowers to me. I start to smile as I reach out to slowly accept them. "Come on." He's gentle as he beckons me over to his car. I walk with him, pausing when he opens the passenger door for me. Quietly, I thank him and hug my pretty flowers to my chest while I climb in.
My eyes never leave him as I watch him round the front of the car through the windshield. I'm quick to look down at my flowers in my lap when he opens the driver's side door now that he can see me, but even then my gaze drifts back over to him while he starts the car.
"You still haven't told Aaliyah, have you?"
He freezes completely for a good few seconds. When he looks at me, his smile widens impossibly."No." He confirms. I shake my head with a scoff, but his wide smile makes me smile too. "She'll be fine." He decides on an overconfident hum as he starts the car.
"Will she?" I'm not even totally convinced our son will be fine. Noah sure as hell thinks so, but it's all been so much on him. That's why he's acting out in school so much. He was never terrific in school behavior wise, but he's never been called to the office before.
"Yeah." Noah insists. "She'll be pissed off at me, but it's gonna turn out fine. She'll still be your friend."
He isn't wrong. The more I think back on what she said, I specifically remember her saying it wouldn't hurt her feelings. Maybe she told him otherwise since he's a little different, but I know she told me she'd want to be my friend still. That all doesn't change my worries for Cameron though.
"Kiara, can you do something for me tonight?"
I groan. "I don't have sleepovers on the first date."
He laughs. Glances at me briefly as he shakes his head and looks at the road. "First of all, that's a stupid rule." He decides. I shrug him off on a hum. "Second, that's not what I wanted to ask for."
I sigh as I look down at my flowers. "What then?"
"Could you just..." He pauses briefly. "I want you to just try to enjoy yourself tonight. Can you do that for me? Forget about all the reasons why we shouldn't be doing this and try to live in the moment. Just for tonight. Is that okay?"
I don't like to live in the moment. It has consequences. Everything has consequences, and you can't just go about live all whimsically unaware. You have to think things through. I may not be good at planning, but I know for a fact I'm good at thinking most things through. You have to be. Otherwise everything just goes to shit.
"What kind of flowers are these?"
Noah doesn't answer at first. He looks over at the flowers in my lap briefly. "Um, dark red dahlias." He answers. "I think." He looks over at them again. "Yeah."
I run the tip of my finger over a soft petal. "They're pretty."
His smile is audible in his quiet voice. "Yeah. They are."
__________
Noah's kind of a dork.
I don't know how I haven't noticed it, honestly. But he's a huge dork. I think he tries to hide it under this cute, like, acceptable version of a funny and caring guy. I'm not saying he's not all of those things, but he's also secretly a big dork.
He likes Legos, first of all. Not just any Legos though. He likes Star Trek Legos. Fucking Star Trek. One step away from Star Wars—he seems to like those ones too. And he likes comic books. Admits he had this huge collection when he was a kid. Still has them all in boxes in his storage unit.
He says they're in a storage unit, but I swear something in him makes me think that if I were to search his apartment, I'd find them all in pristine condition somewhere safe.
On top of all that, he's clumsy as hell. I'm not talking a little stumble here and there—no. I'm talking how does he not have several broken bones right now? How is he still alive? And how has he hid it from me for so long?
Oh, God. It's so strange to see him like this. It's like his guard is down completely, and this is who he really is.
He nervously laughs as he uses a napkin he stole from a pretzel cart along the way to try and wipe off the soda from his now stained shirt. I watch him with a little smile while he does it. He insists the park bench came out of nowhere and rants on and on.
I now know where Aaliyah gets her nervous habits from, at least. All night, he's been doing that thing I see her do with his hands. Tracing the lines of his fingers, especially the L shape between his thumb and pointer. And his ranting. Dear God, somehow it goes on even longer than hers does.
"—but, you know, it doesn't work like that. I mean—it could, but it doesn't. You know? Can't just move something around like that without some serious work. Or if it were on wheels. If it were on wheels though, it just wouldn't work. Kids would, like, scoot the park benches all the way to the water fountain and shit. It'd suck. Kids suck. Not Cameron though. He doesn't suck. He just...I mean, I love the little guy, but he'd definitely be one of those kids to push the benches in the fountain. I think..."
He just keeps going as he desperately drags the napkin against his chest like it's actually helping. It's not. Poor guy. He's probably cold too. He gave me his jacket, leaving himself in his t-shirt. It's now stained, probably beyond repair. I'll try to save it though. He mentioned sometime tonight that he loved this shirt. It's his favorite.
"Sweetheart, I don't think it's going to come out like that." I sadly tell him as I reach out for his wrists to stop him from continuing to drag the damp napkin against his shirt.
He slows to a stop and frowns. "It...might." He weakly argues. He just doesn't want to say goodbye to his shirt.
I laugh. "You look like your son." I decide as I take the napkin from him to walk away a few steps towards the black trash can beside a lamppost. It's that little pout he does when he knows I'm right but still stubbornly fights it because he's sad about whatever it is. A very specific pout.
Noah sighs, still sadly looking down at his shirt. "I really liked this shirt." He mumbles. "You think it's the universe telling me you're bad news?"
I playfully roll my eyes. "Definitely." I decide as I reach out to pluck a small leaf from his shoulder. He fell. "Are you going to listen?"
"No." He doesn't hesitate. "I need to get new clothes anyway."
"I'll see what I can do with it." I sigh, sizing up the stain carefully. "We should go before you break something next." I start to laugh as I reach over for his wrist to lead him back the way we came.
He shakes my hand off his wrist just to catch my hand properly. I bite down hard on the inside of my cheek, struggling a bit to not look down at our hands while he walks in step with me. "Think you can save it?"
"Maybe." I decide not to make any promises. "Cam's a messy kid. I've learned a few tricks over the years."
He chuckles to himself. "He's always been the way he is now, right? Even when he was little?"
"Oh, yeah." I nod quickly. He laughs some more. "He's always been bold but in the best ways. He means well." I'm sure he knows it already, but he doesn't stop me from explaining our son's personality to him.
"For what it's worth, I'm proud of you, Kiara."
I laugh at that for some reason and look up at him. "What?"
He smiles. "I'm proud of you." He repeats. "Both of you." He nods to the side as he looks ahead of us. I keep my eyes on him. "You were young when you had him, and you did a great job with raising him. He's kind and respectful but still knows when he's had enough and knows how to stand up for himself. It's...admirable the way you managed to teach him so well all on your own."
My cheeks burn bright red, and I silently hope he thinks it's because it's cold out if he notices. "Thank you." Is all I know how to say to that. I've never been great at receiving compliments.
"Yeah." He looks back at me smiling.
I swallow thickly when he doesn't look away. I force myself to be the one to do it so at least one of us is watching where we're going. "Anyway, um," I clear my throat. "My mom's birthday is coming up, and I know she'd just love it if you could make it for dinner."
He laughs. "Oh, yeah. It'd be the best birthday gift I could give her." He plays along with ease. I smile to myself. "If that's your way of inviting me to your mom's birthday party, then yes. I'll be there."
"Okay," I accept, keeping my eyes away from him as best as I can.
"What about you?"
I can't help it. I look up at him. "What do you mean?"
"Your birthday's coming up too, isn't it?"
I blink a couple of times. "Next month...Yeah. How'd you know?"
He grins. "Superpowers, Kiara."
I shake my head with a growing smile. "Come on." I urge as I bump my shoulder to his arm.
He chuckles. "Fine. It was Cameron."
"Ah," I accept with a little nod. "When's yours?"
"Not for a while." He admits on a shrug. "August." He adds before I can push for him to. "But your birthday. Any ideas on what to do? A month goes by fast."
I let out a long exhale while I think. "I don't know." I admit. "I haven't been big on my birthday in a while. It's mostly been Cam's. My mom hardly even wants her dinner."
"Well, we can do a nice dinner for you too. Somewhere out." He suggests. "Or I can throw you a really big party. Get Batman there, if you want."
I snort. "Thought he was saving New York during Cam's birthday. You really think he could make it to mine?"
"Gotham."
I roll my eyes. "Gotham." I repeat. "That's stupid. Is it even a real place? It's basically New York."
"More like Chicago."
"Whatever." I dismiss. "You and your superheros."
"Hey, they're cool." He quickly comes to his own defense. "They save people."
"Mm...People like Rachel?"
"Ohhh..." He looks at me like I just slapped him across the face. "That was low, Kiara. Even for you."
My jaw drops. "What do you mean even for me?"
"You like low blows." He decides with a shrug. "Hit 'em where it hurts."
"I'm an angel, okay?"
"Didn't say you weren't." He laughs. "But you really know where to kick to get the most results."
"Hm." I acknowledge quietly. I guess that's fair enough. "Is it a bad thing?" I think I just want to know if he still likes me anyway. If it's a flaw he forces himself to just look past for the sake of being happy.
"I don't think so." He decides thoughtfully. I look up to watch him talk. "I like my women a bit mean." He playfully hums in a lowered, almost raspy voice as he looks down at me.
"Ew," I giggle as I look away. I still hold his hand though, so my little show is very obviously insincere.
Once we get back to his car, he does the same thing he did when he picked me up and when we got to the restaurant. Even on the drive to here. He steps ahead some and casually opens the door for me. He does it a lot, even before this first date. Not all the time, but enough times that I decided he's just trying to set a good example for our son. Only thing is our son is nowhere to be seen right now.
I get in the car, whispering my thanks to him before he shuts the door behind me. When he gets into the driver's seat a moment later, neither of us reach over to turn the radio up. Or on for that matter. It stays off.
My brows slowly begin to furrow as I stare at the radio in the middle of us. I slide my gaze to him briefly then back down at the radio.
I reach over to press a random button. Noah straightens when I do. "Wait," He pleads.
I gasp when the button I press does nothing. I try the dial, but that doesn't work either. "Oh, Noah..." I murmur pitifully. He sighs deeply in response.
It's broken. That's why he drives in silence. Not because he wants to or because he likes the conversations it forces, but because he has to.
I start giggling while I press with the different buttons that do nothing. "Oh, my God. No wonder you drive in silence." I turn the dial all the way up even though it does nothing.
"Stop it." He dismisses as he waves my hand off the radio. I still laugh to myself while he brushes some dust off the poor thing.
"How long has that been broken?"
He frowns down at his broken radio. "A while..."
"And you haven't gotten it fixed?"
"I survive fine without it." He insists stubbornly. I just laugh. "I don't know why you're laughing." He huffs with a short glance my way. The amusement in his eyes makes me feel okay when I laugh some more. "It's not because I'm broke, by the way." He feels the need to add.
"It's not?"
"No." He hums. "I don't feel like taking it to get fixed."
"Oh?" I try to swallow my giggles down. "Are you sure that's why?"
"Positive."
"It's okay if you're just broke, Noah." I assure. "I can help you, you know. You just have to ask."
"Thanks, but that's not it."
"Are you sure?"
"You know what? I do fine without it." He insists again. "I listen to the wonderful sounds of the city every day, and it's refreshing."
I can't help but let out a particularly loud laugh. My hand flies to my mouth to try and hide it even though he's already looking at me while we're stopped at a red light. "It's refreshing, huh?"
"Yeah. Just listen to it." He hums as he drops a hand to the four buttons he has on his door to roll my window down.
Pretty much immediately, a strange smell wafts into the car, a random police siren get a little louder, and interesting snippets of someone's loud conversation on the sidewalk make my laughter feel uncontrollable. Now, Noah starts laughing with me. "Oh, my God. Roll up the window." I plead as I reach over to try and roll it up only to find he's locked the windows this way. "Noah!"
"What? Don't you like the sounds of the city? I know that's what you came back here for, Kiara."
"I came back for my mom! Roll the window up!"
"Yeah, you say that, but we all know the truth. You just couldn't stay away from this beautiful life."
"Oh, my God. What the hell does that dog have in its mouth?"
"Oh, wow. Look! Nature."
My hand presses against my mouth for a different reason this time and I turn my head away and towards him, shutting my eyes to get that image out of my head. "Oh, that's so disgusting." I whisper.
"Man. What a perfect night."
"Take me home!"
"Woah, Kiara. Thought you said no sleepovers for the first date." Noah murmurs, doing the same stupid thing he does to Cam. Twisting my words around and all.
Finally—fucking finally—I hear my window start to roll up. I open my eyes and timidly check to make sure it's really going up, relived to see that it is. "God, I hate you." I whisper as I shake my head.
"You like me."
I kind of hate that I do. There's no changing it though, I don't think. That fact feels like it should terrify me more than it does, but weirdly enough, it doesn't. The more I think about it, the less scared I am of him than I was before I got into the car tonight.
He's a dork. He's loud, funny, understanding, and he cares. He's patient with me and our son and even my mom—which, believe me, is not as easy as it sounds. I'm starting to wonder what I was really afraid about. I knew he'd do everything in his power and then some to avoid hurting us, but for some reason that didn't feel as comforting at the time. It does now though.
Instead of just dropping me off when we get to mine, he gets out of the car with me. I don't argue when I remember that stain on his shirt, letting him walk with me all the way up the stairs. He still jokes around and even stumbles on a couple of stairs which I've never seen him do. Then again, he's never looked at me the way he does right now.
His guard is completely down tonight, and it seems to fuck up his coordination.
Before we even have the door closed behind us, he's already reaching back to pull his shirt up over his head. I pause and scoff as I look back at him. "Noah,"
"What?" He's already laughing before he gets his shirt out of his face to see my expression. "I thought you were going to try and save it. You want me to have it on while you do it?"
He's got a point. I didn't really think it all through.
I sigh, deciding against answering as I lead the way to the kitchen. He's still chuckling to himself as he follows me, standing in the entryway to watch me first find a vase for my flowers. He lays his shirt out on a different counter for me to get to when I'm done. I try keeping my eyes literally anywhere but on him.
Ultimately though, I have to step up beside him at the counter to check the full damage that's been done to his favorite shirt. "Okay," I breathe as I step away to quickly open the cabinets under the sink to bend down and grab what I need from down there.
"Oh, well now you're just teasing me."
I ignore him and his gaze that I can practically feel on my ass, letting him stare for a minute while I find what I need. I stand up straight quick once I have the bottles of cleaning supplies I'll need and spin to step back up beside him, still ignoring his gaze that now settles intently on my face.
"You're going to end up going home shirtless." I hum as I start spraying my cleaning supplies on the fabric. "This has to soak overnight."
He groans. "But it's so cold out there."
I laugh. "Like this thin ass fabric was doing anything for you anyway." I glance up at him. He shrugs me off after a moment of thought. "You still have your jacket, don't worry." I remind, almost forgetting about his jacket on my shoulders.
"You sure this is gonna work?" He leans in a little closer to inspect the puddle of my mystery cleaning supply on his shirt.
"Should." I shrug. "We'll have to see."
He smiles when I finally look up at him. "Thanks." His voice quiets some, and I know what he wants before he even makes any obvious moves for it.
"You're welcome." My voice lowers to mirror his, and I let him lift his hand to my cheek. My eyes drop to his lips, watching them until the very last second before I shut my eyes to kiss him back.
Like a slippery snake, Noah decides he wants to see if he can break my first date rule. He almost does it, I'll give him that. With the way he invades my space and steps closer to force me to turn my back against the counter and the way he deepens our kiss in a way that's so simple, I start to think that maybe I was the one who initiated it.
I start pushing on his bare shoulders once I realize what this siren of a man's goal is. "Hey, just because we have a kid together doesn't change the fact that it's still the first date." I reason as I turn my head away while he chases me.
He groans, but starts leaning back and letting me push him away. "What's your rule for second dates?" He asks.
My eyes narrow. "Excuse you, but wasn't I the one who was fine doing whatever we were doing without the dates? You don't get to switch teams now, Noah. It's too late."
He sighs playfully sadly. "Fine." He accepts as he takes a full step back from me even though I've stopped pushing him away. "Seriously though. Any rules I should know about before we go on our second?" He asks with a raised brow.
I smile, tilting my head at the fact that he hasn't even asked me if I had a good time tonight and want a second. He seems to have just decided there's going to be a second.
"You'll find out." I decide for him too.
It's only fair.