You were wandering the compound trying to find Bucky. He was supposed to arrive back at the compound this morning after finishing up his mission. The two of you had a standing date night every Saturday that Bucky wasn't on assignment, but you hadn't seen or heard from him all day which was unusual. Normally, you'd wake up to him bounding into your room to say good morning or, at the very least, receive a good morning text from him. But this morning there was nothing. You texted him, asking if he wanted to have breakfast with you. Nothing. You asked if he wanted to go for a run. Nothing. You even asked him if he wanted to join you in the shower and to your surprise, you received nothing.
This was odd behavior for him. He had been doing so much better since he started giving his therapy a real shot. Part of you was worried that he was slipping back into that dark place, but he always assured you that, if he ever felt himself falling into a spiral, that he would come to you. It was hard for him to admit that he needed you when your relationship first began. He always believed that he was better off alone, but it seemed he had finally accepted that he needed you as much as you needed him. Bucky was the one for you and you would always do anything you could to make sure he was happy.
"Hey, Lena. Have you seen Bucky today?" You asked as you walked into the kitchen.
"I just woke up, so no." She was nursing a mug of coffee in her hand and a bottle of aspirin sat next to her on the counter.
"I'm guessing you and Nat had a fun night after I left?" You smirked at her.
"Not so loud, Y/n. My head is pounding."
"Maybe don't drink so much next time."
"I'm Russian, that's what we do." She groaned
"Doesn't mean you have to get rip roaring drunk every weekend, sestra."
You opened the fridge and shut the door harder than necessary, making Yelena groan again and massage her temples.
"I hate you." She muttered.
"No you don't. You love me." You handed her a bottle of water and guided her towards the kitchen door. "Go back to bed and get some rest."
Yelena shuffled out of the kitchen as Bucky entered.
"Hey look, I found your Bucky. You're welcome." She continued on her way to her room, leaving you and Bucky alone.
A smile broke across your face, but quickly dropped when you saw the look on his face. He was avoiding eye contact with you and shifting nervously on his feet. Something was wrong and your stomach knotted. Pushing your worries aside, you strode up to him and threw your arms around his neck. He hesitated to return your hug, but eventually wrapped his arms around your waist in an awkward hug.
"Hey baby. I've missed you." You whispered. "Where have you been?"
Bucky pulled away from you, his mouth sat in a hard line and his eyes dark and menacing.
"What does it matter?" His voice was void of any emotions.
That alone sent your heart racing and the wheels in your head turning. Bucky didn't speak to you like that. His words were always gentle and loving. Even on his worst days you were the only person he spoke to without animosity or annoyance. Something was going on and it was bad.
"I-I was just wondering. I haven't seen you all day." You stuttered out.
"What? Do I have to report my every move to you now?" He snapped, stepping around you and going to the other side of the kitchen island.
He was putting space between the two of you. Bucky never put space between you. He always wanted you close to him, to have some kind of contact with you. Even if it was just your shoulder against his, he never seemed to mind you being close to him before.
"No! Of course you don't. That's not what I mean. It's just unusual to not see or hear from you–"
"I needed some time to myself, Y/n!" His voice raised and was tinged with irritation. "You're always all over me and I needed some space to breathe!"
Your breath left your body in a harsh exhale. It felt as if he had just reached out and punched you in the gut. Had you really been suffocating him that badly? The only reason you were with him whenever you had free time was because he told you he liked being with you whenever he could. In fact, he was the one seeking you out more often than not. If he wanted time to be alone with his thoughts, all he had to do was tell you that, but he never had. He said your presence comforted him. Had he been lying to you this whole time? Maybe he was just too afraid to hurt your feelings and had finally reached his breaking point.
"If you wanted space, all you had to do was tell me. You know I would have given that to you."
"Yeah, sure." He scoffed.
"Are you serious right now?"
"Yeah. I am. Your presence is stifling, Y/n. Every time I turn around, you're always there."
Rage burned inside of you. He was acting as if you clung to him every second of the day when you only ever saw each other for a few minutes in the mornings and sometimes in the evenings if Bucky wasn't on a mission. The only days that you actually spent together were Saturday and Sunday, and once again he was the one that started that ritual. No matter if he believed it or not, you had a life outside of him. You went out with Nat and Yelena, worked all day training new agents, and even found time to participate in several hobbies. How the fuck were you supposed to be 'stifling' when the only time you were together was on the weekends?
"Why are you acting this way? This isn't you." Your voice rose with each word you spoke, matching his volume.
"Goddamnit, Y/n!" Bucky roared. "Fucking let it go. This is who I am. I'm a grumpy, cold-hearted asshole who should have never started a relationship with you in the first place."
"That's not who you are, Bucky. You are caring and considerate. You love me. I know it." Your eyes were burning with unshed tears as you spoke.
"I don't love you, Y/n. I never have. Even when I told you I did, I was lying."
His face contorted into a sneer as he hurled his words at you. Each one was like a battering ram to your heart, creating crack after crack until your heart couldn't withstand the pounding anymore. You stared at him, in disbelief. His stare was so cold and impassive. He believed every word he was saying. The man you loved with all your heart, didn't love you. He never had apparently. Bucky had been lying to you all this time. You tried one last time, hoping against hope that everything he just said wasn't true.
"That's not true. You love me." You walked towards him, hands cupping his cheeks and lips softly pressing against his for a moment before pulling back to look up at him. "Bucky, please don't do this. I love you."
Your whispered words hung between you. His eyes softened for a moment and hope bloomed inside of you. Each second felt like an eternity as you stood in the silence, waiting for him to say that he was sorry. That he was lying. That it was all just a horrible joke. But that's not what he said. His eyes clouded over with indifference again and his final words sent your heart crumbling into a pile of dust, never to be repaired.
"This is over. I don't want you, Y/n. You mean nothing to me." He pulled your hands from his face and dropped them.
"So you just used me? For what? For sex? Because you were bored? Come on, I'd really like to know why you even asked me out if you never fucking cared for me!" You screamed.
Bucky stared down at you for a moment before shaking his head and walking towards the kitchen door. You jumped in his path. He wasn't going to leave until he gave you the answers you wanted.
"Tell me, Barnes. Why the fuck did you use me?" Your voice was thick and hoarse as you tried hard to hold back your gathering tears.
"You sure you want the answer?" He asked in a low voice.
"Why not. You can't break me anymore than you already have."
"Fine, but you asked for it." Bucky scoffed. "I just wanted to see if I could make you fall in love with me. And I did, but now I'm bored and don't want to keep up the charade any longer."
The tears you had been trying so hard not to shed, slipped from the corners of your eyes and down your cheeks. He made you look like a fool. You wondered if the team knew what he was doing, but you shook on the thought. Bucky didn't share his thoughts with any of the others, except maybe Steve and Sam, but neither of them would have let this happen. They would've told you. Pain and anger swirled inside you, combining into the perfect storm. Before you could stop yourself, your fist went flying at Bucky's face faster than he could stop it and you connected with his nose. Bucky grunted and rubbed at his nose, feeling a trickle of blood leave one of his nostrils.
"Fuck you, Barnes. Stay the hell away from me."
Bucky watched you walk away from him while resisting every urge he had to follow after you and grovel for your forgiveness. He let you go, taking the last bit of his happiness with you.
~
Bucky spent the rest of the night on the roof. Part of him contemplated finding you and telling you the truth, but it was too dangerous. He had to let you go. There was no other way. He hated himself for the things he said to you. Even his worst nightmare couldn't compare to the way he watched you fracture right in front of him. It would haunt him for the rest of his life.
Steve had come to check on him right before the sunset and stayed with him until the sun had sunk completely below the horizon. They sat in silence mostly, but Steve did ask him why he let you go. Bucky gave him the same reason he had given you. He could tell Steve didn't believe him, but he didn't need Steve to believe him. All that mattered was that you thought he really wanted nothing more to do with you. Steve left him with one last piece of advice.
"It's not going to be easy for you to fix this, Bucky. The longer you wait, the worse it'll be. I know you're lying. Tell Y/n the truth before you lose her forever."
Bucky didn't expect to be able to fix this. He knew what he was doing with each word he said to you. He had dug himself into a hole so deep that he would never be able to climb out of it. That was the point. You needed to hate him. It would keep you safe. As if on cue, the phone in his pocket vibrated. He almost threw it over the edge of the roof, but that wouldn't stop what was coming.
"What?" He barked.
"Easy, soldier." The voice chuckled.
"Just tell me what you want, Zemo."
"I told you before, I want your assistance."
Two weeks ago Bucky had received a package in the mail. It was nothing interesting, just a plain yellow envelope. You were out with Nat and Yelena grabbing dinner, so Bucky sat down in your room to wait for you and look through whatever was in the envelope. The first thing he had pulled out was a phone. His brow furrowed in confusion, but he laid it down beside him and reached back into the envelope, pulling out a piece of paper.
She's lovely, James. Answer the phone when it rings or she dies.
Bucky's heart raced as he pulled the rest of the contents from the envelope. There were pictures of you walking down the sidewalk in the city or running random errands. There were so many. In some you were by yourself, in others you were tucked into Bucky's side with his arm slung around your shoulders. As Bucky flipped through each picture, meticulously scanning each one, the phone rang. He had snatched it up only to be greeted by Zemo, the man who had almost ruined his life years before. He wanted Bucky's help, but he wouldn't tell him what he wanted him for. The one thing he did say was that if Bucky declined to assist, you would be dead within the hour.
That's when Bucky decided that he had to cut all ties with you. He couldn't put you in danger. You were everything to him. Even if he had to break your heart to ensure your safety, at least you would be alive. You'd get over him eventually and when you did, he knew you'd find a man that would give you the world instead of putting you in harm's way because of his past. Now he just had to convince Zemo to leave you alone.
"What exactly do you want me to do? Don't you have minions that obey your every command?"
"Yes, I do have associates that are more than willing to do whatever I ask of them. But they don't have the skills that I need, James. I need the Winter Soldier."
Bucky could hear the smirk in Zemo's voice and his fist clenched in response.
"He's gone." Bucky growled.
"I may not be able to control you anymore, James, but the soldier still lingers inside of you. We both know that you'll never truly be rid of him. All I need is for you to embrace him one more time and then my mission will be complete."
"And what's your mission, Zemo?"
"I've located the last remaining member of Hydra—and you are going to kill him for me."
"I don't do that anymore." Bucky said firmly. "I'm not a murder."
"Have you already forgotten what will happen if you don't?" Zemo said calmly.
Bucky's phone vibrated in his hand with a new message. He opened it and found a picture of you from the previous night. You were sitting at a bar in a silky red dress with black heels, hair curled, and makeup perfectly applied. You had sent him a picture in that exact outfit last night asking how you looked. He hadn't responded, but he spent the whole flight back to the compound staring at the picture, wishing that his past hadn't come back to bite him in the ass again.
"Y/n and I aren't together anymore." Bucky said, keeping his voice steady as he spoke.
"What a shame. She really is a special girl. However, that doesn't change anything. She is important to you and therefore still serves a purpose."
"She doesn't mean shit to me." The lie burned like acid as it slithered up his throat and past his lips.
"If that's how you feel, then I'll have her disposed of before the night is over." His words caused a jolt of fear to crawl down Bucky's spine. "Enjoy your evening, James."
"No, wait!" Bucky screamed into the phone. "I'll do what you want, just leave Y/n out of it."
There was silence on the other end of the line and Bucky was afraid that he was too late and Zemo had already hung up. Zemo tutted down the line and chuckled darkly.
"Naughty boy, James. You can't hide from me. Don't lie to me again or I will kill her and force you to watch as I rip her heart from her chest. Are we clear?" Zemo asked.
Bucky's jaw tensed and his breathing quickened at the image of Zemo murdering you in front of him. He shook away the image and refocused on Zemo's words.
"Yeah, crystal clear." Bucky gritted out between clenched teeth.
"I will send you more information before the end of next week. Goodbye, James."
Bucky clutched the phone tightly in his hand as the line went dead. A tortured scream escaped him and faded into the dark of the night. Getting into bed with Zemo was a bad idea, but he didn't have any other choice. Zemo was a man of his word and he would kill you without a second thought. Bucky may have been the one to break you, but he would do whatever it took to keep you alive.
A/N: First post of the new book is complete and there are many more to come! Enjoy babes. 😁