Have you ever wondered why Secondo wrote the song "Idolatrine"? Maybe that was exactly the reason for it...
TW! Most people who know the meaning of the song know what this chapter will be about. For those who don't know: It's about child abuse (in the church)
Quick disclaimer: I know I had planned to post more oneshots this year, but unfortunately this year isn't off to a great start. At the beginning I was sick for two weeks and could hardly move. Then came work and mental problems, which totally took away my time/motivation to write. Something happened privately today that completely threw me off course, but I'll at least try to write more. I hope you can forgive me <3.
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As he often did, Papa brought my older brother Primo and me along to one of those strange meetings he had with some other men. It was one of the meetings were we weren't allowed to tell Papas "friends" that we belonged to the Satanist church, otherwise they wouldn't like us. These men, who wore clothes similar to Papa's and also had mitres on their heads, would probably even hate us. I didn't know why Papa would even meet with someone who would hate us if we showed our true identity, but Primo had explained to me that these meetings were important for us to find out what the Christian church was planning.Like every time, we walked to a large table in a church, where Primo and I sat on either side of Pap. We were the last ones, which is why all the attention was focused on us. I shifted uncomfortably in my chair, hating all the attention.
"Sorry for the delay." Papa looked around once before they all started reporting about the recent events. The beginning was very boring. They reported about their masses, communions and baptisms, which didn't interest me at all. Bored, I looked up at Papa, who wasn't wearing his makeup today and had a contact lens in his white eye so we wouldn't be recognized. Primo also had to cover his white eye. When I asked Papa why I didn't get a cool contact lens, he just told me that I was too young to wear something like that. The excuse given to me was that I was just one of those special people who had two different eye colors.Once Papa started talking to his friends, time seemed to pass very slowly. How I hated those meetings!I would rather be at home right now and do something else.
Suddenly I felt someone staring at me and I looked up. One of the priests looked at me like he always did. I swallowed. If he looked at me like that, it wasn't a good sign.With a nod of his head, he gave me his signal - our signal - which sent a shiver down my spine. I did not want that. The priest got up and ran out of the room, whereupon I started counting to 60. However, I couldn't count that far, only because of a a trick from the priest I knew when I had reached this number... When I had to follow him...He would then do what he always did with me: touch me. Every time he touched me, the feeling was very strange and scared me.I looked at Primo, searching for help, and he shook his head with a serious face. He was the only one I told about it, but I asked him not to take it to Papa. The priest would get angry if Papa knew about it, and then he would hurt me...I knew that I had to go now, even if I didn't want to. I didn't want him to touch me. But I had to.I hesitantly tugged on Papa's sleeve, who then turned to me."I-I'm going to the toilet..." I stuttered in a whisper, whereupon he just nodded and I stood up.I quickly ran into the hallway where the toilet was, but entered another room where the priest was already waiting for me. It was a dark room with only a sofa and a small lamp providing some light.
"There you are!" he smiled at me."Come to me, my dear child!"I swallowed hard again before stepping closer and looking at him uncertainly."How beautiful you are..." he lifted my chin with a finger so that I had to look up at him. He was almost twice as tall as me. His hand, shriveled with age, felt disgusting against my own skin."Just look at your eyes..." he poked my cheek, which immediately made me feel gross."You're such a good boy..." he started unbuttoning my shirt, so that an icy cold immediately surrounded me. My heart began to race with fear and my breathing became quicker. I hated everything here, even though I didn't even know exactly what it was. All I knew was that it was uncomfortable."Don't worry, I'll be very careful..." he leaned down to me.
Suddenly someone ripped open the door, causing the priest to jump back in fright. I looked at the door anxiously. Papa stormed in with an angry face, grabbed the priest by the collar and slammed his back against the wall."What the hell are you doing?" he almost shouted as his grip on the priest's collar tightened, turning his knuckles white.The priest just looked at Papa in shock. His eyes were wide and his gaze was anxious."Answer, you monster!" Nihil demanded angrily. I'd never seen him so angry before."H-He... He wanted to show me a bruise because he bumped himself!" The priest lied, stuttering, which only made Papa angrier."Stop lying!" he screamed."You wanted to attack the child, pervert!" with that he hit him in the face with his fist, which made me jump. The priest groaned in pain."How many times have you touched that poor child?! How many times have you touched other children?!" he hit him several times."I'm sorry!" the priest whimpered and tried to break free, but to no avail.I watched as Papa hit the priest several times in a row, watching his hand turn red because of the blood and the whimpers getting louder.
Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder, which made me turn around. Primo.He pulled me close to block my view of this scenario. I voluntarily hid my face on his stomach."Please! Please! Stop! Please!" the priest pleaded again and again until Papa finally stopped hitting him, but still held him by the collar."You messed with the wrong family..." he said in a menacing dark voice, looking down at him."W-Wrong family?" The priest asked confused, which made Papa grin."Secondo isn't the only one with a white eye..."The color drained from the priests face and he looked at Papa with wide eyes."E-Emeritus?" He asked, to which Papa nodded with a proud smile before his face turned serious again."Don't ever touch my son again..." with that he let go of him, whereupon he collapsed to the ground. His bloodied face was swollen and his eyes filled with tears. Only now did I dare to look back at the two of them. The priest crouched against the wall, whispering something in a trembling voice. It sounded like he was praying."If you tell anyone the truth about who we really are, or don't give up your rank as a priest, I will find you..." Papa threatened. With that he walked over to me and my brother and placed a hand on each of our shoulders.
"Come on, let's go home." his voice was gentle, gentler than it had ever been.We walked out together, where Papa said goodbye to one of the others before leading us back home. Neither of us said anything until we entered the Ministry."Go into the living room, I'll be right there." With that, Nihil ran down the hallway and disappeared behind a corner. Primo and I walked hand in hand into the living room and sat on the sofa."Did you tell Papa?" I asked him, to which Primo nodded sheepishly."I'm sorry... I wanted to protect you." he murmured."I didn't want you to have to do that again, please forgive me."I just nodded as Papa came in with a tray in his hands with three steaming cups on it.He had made hot chocolate. He usually only did this when he wanted to apologize for something, like when he yelled at us again, or when he went on tour with his band without us so we didn't see him for months."I'm already there." He placed the tray on the table before sinking onto the sofa next to us.He placed a green cup with hot chocolate, whipped cream and marshmallows in front of me while Primo got a red cup with hot white chocolate and caramel. He took the white and gold cup for himself.We were silent again for a while before Papa cleared his throat and looked at me.
"Secondo, do you know what that bad man did to you?" He asked, to which I nodded."He touched me." I mumbled with an uneasy feeling in my stomach."It felt strange and scared me." I confessed and took a sip of the chocolate."I know, son. And he should never have done that." Papa pulled me to him. It was a gesture you rarely got from him."You know, Secondo, when you grow up, you start to like other people in a very special way. A way in which you touch other adults and feel a nice feeling. But some people have a disease that makes them... It makes them forget that some people don't want that and, above all, forget that children can't and shouldn't feel this feeling." he continued to look at me."Secondo, if you're scared about it, tell me. I'll help you and be there for you." He put one arm around me and the other around Primo."I love you, my sons." I looked up at him in surprise. He had never said that before.My brother and I hugged him and stayed that way for a while before continuing to drink our hot chocolate
Sweating, I woke up and looked around. I lay in my bed, half uncovered, the nightmare still in my body.There was a young lady lying next to me who was sleeping naked. I met her in a bar and took her to the Ministry for a one-night stand. With a sigh, I got up, put on a dressing gown and walked out. My path led me to the kitchen, where I made myself a hot chocolate, with which I stood at the window and looked out into the dark night. I watched the dark beauty in silence until I was interrupted by a voice."Slept badly, brother?" As I turned around, Primo came inside and gave me his asking but also knowing look."I never sleep badly..." I mumbled, making him giggle."You're my brother, you can't hide anything from me... besides, the hot chocolate tells me everything..." he came towards me and stood next to me so that he could also look out of the window. I knew I didn't have to explain anything to him because he knew me well enough to know what was going on. I only drank hot chocolate when I thought about my childhood, when that priest had scared me so much. It took me forever to process it. But it was also the time when Papa was most affectionate with me before he fell back into his usual cold role."I noticed that you have a young lady visiting again..." my big brother said.
"You know I don't like that."
I rolled my eyes in annoyance. Of course he wanted to talk about that again..."I always take care about these ladies. Everything's fine" I mumbled."I know, but don't you think these ladies are a little... young for you?"Primo's question made me sigh in frustration and even hurt me a little.How could he think that of me?"None of these ladies were a minor or something around that... I also make sure that they are fully conscious when they decide to sleep with me. No alcohol, no drugs, no emotions that influence judgment. I would never commit myself to someone who doesn't explicitly say yes or is totally defenseless!" I replied angrily."Relax Secondo, I just wanted to know why you don't just try to find someone your own age."
There was a brief silence between us before I sighed again."I can't take someone who is the same age or older than me." I started to tell the story."When my partner is younger, It feels like I'm in control. I... I can't give up control during sex because... I start to panic." I looked at the floor, sadly."Is it still because of the priest?" He asked, to which I nodded."I was so young and defenseless... I never want to feel like that again."Primo nodded in understanding and placed a hand on my shoulder."I'm here, brother. You don't have to explain anything to me." I looked at him briefly, but made no move to say "thank you." I just wasn't like that."Enjoy your hot chocolate." Primo smiled before walking towards the door, but paused again."By the way... your new song "Idolatrine" was well received at the Ministry..." with that he left the kitchen and left me alone with my thoughts.Idolatrine... The song with which I wanted to confess to the world what had happened to me without telling them it was about me... It was meant to give courage. Courage to speak up and stop this cruelty in the world. The cruelty that was also existing in the christian church. Because children deserve more...